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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask adult child to go out as we've made plans?

475 replies

yourekiddingme · 07/03/2024 23:29

We have decided to look for a bigger house with a view to maybe trying for another baby, it's early days and we've only just put the house on the market.
We have an adult ds living at home and haven't mentioned anything to him as it's early days and we don't know if it'll happen yet, the move or baby.
Someone is coming to view on Saturday and ds works Saturdays which is why we arranged for Saturday, unfortunately we did have to let this lady down last week as a work issue came up so she's coming this Saturday instead.
Ds has just announced that he's booked this Saturday off throwing a spanner in the works.

I can't mess this woman around again and I particularly don't want to explain our maybe plans to ds at this stage which would be awkward if she comes to view and he's home.
AIBU to tell him we've made plans around him being at work and it's inconvenient that he's now home and ask that if he's not working on Saturday he's not home?
I think I know I'm being unreasonable but I'm just so annoyed.

OP posts:
Contraryjane · 08/03/2024 04:21

yourekiddingme · 07/03/2024 23:45

I think I just thought that it was none of his business, he doesn't tell us anything about his plans and I don't personally see why he should know yet if we are only considering.

None of his business? How bizarre.
If you are only considering, why are you stringing along viewers?
As it is on the market, you’ll need to start thinking about solicitors etc, and getting an energy rating.
Have you made an effort for the viewings? Thoroughly cleaned and decluttered? Won’t your son notice?

Nonewclothes2024 · 08/03/2024 04:34

yourekiddingme · 07/03/2024 23:45

I think I just thought that it was none of his business, he doesn't tell us anything about his plans and I don't personally see why he should know yet if we are only considering.

It is his business, it's his home Confused

Nonewclothes2024 · 08/03/2024 04:36

yourekiddingme · 07/03/2024 23:58

Of course I like him.
Deep down I think the move is very unlikely and at my age so is a baby so I'd rather not have brought it up because it might not happen so he wouldn't have needed to ever know.
If I was more serious and invested in definitely moving it would be different.

Why are you letting people look round if you're not serious about selling?
What a waste of people's time.

veryangrymot · 08/03/2024 04:37

Is he a dSs by any chance to you?

Nazzywish · 08/03/2024 05:05

yourekiddingme · 07/03/2024 23:45

I think I just thought that it was none of his business, he doesn't tell us anything about his plans and I don't personally see why he should know yet if we are only considering.

Really OP?! Whose the one behaving like a child here you or him, because from your posts it's you. Grow up and stop lieing for weird reasons. You sound batshit crazy in your approach to him.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 08/03/2024 05:08

Is this the former family home and you're looking to start all afresh, new partner, baby life with out the encumbrance of your ds from your previous life?

PicaK · 08/03/2024 05:13

You can't exchange unless your son signs the legal documents. You need to treat him with respect right now to get him on board.
He doesn't need to know baby plans etc - just that you want to upgrade. That's a pretty normal wish.
You sound like you want to get back at him for not telling you stuff. This is your actual problem.

Scorchio84 · 08/03/2024 05:20

As someone who was not an adult when my mam sold our family home from under me when I was 14, with 6 weeks notice to a very different place from the city I grew up in, I think you're being an asshole to be honest

EasternEcho · 08/03/2024 05:21

OP does your adult son contribute to the monthly costs? Is that why you don't think he needs to move out? You want to keep him for financial help towards the bigger house but don't want him to actually have any say in it, and going about it in this sneaky, underhand manner? I can't make sense of any rationale you may have to treat your son like this.

Zanatdy · 08/03/2024 05:23

yourekiddingme · 08/03/2024 00:25

How old is he? Why is he living at home?

23, he's not in a position to move out, nor does he need to.

what is he going to do then? If he can’t afford it? I feel for him, at least be upfront with him

Devilshands · 08/03/2024 05:31

BubziOwl · 08/03/2024 00:09

This all sounds a bit odd tbh. Are you not worried he will come across the listing online? Or a friend of his might?

How old is he? Why is he living at home?

Why can’t adult children live at home?

you sound a tad judgmental…

Gumbo · 08/03/2024 05:40

Stickyricepudding · 08/03/2024 04:15

How is the parenting gig going for you OP? Your animosity towards your first child is coming out very strongly in this thread. How long did it take for your dh to turn you against your existing child? Now you want to replace him with another child and potentially make him homeless. Nice.

How are you going to manage the massive age gap between your kids. One is almost independent and now you want to go backwards and be stuck with a baby? The things some women do for men is just unbelievable.

He is your child op, don't forget this. Men and relationships come and go but your child must always come first.

I agree with her animosity towards her poor son, but I'm not sure why her DH is getting the blame? My neighbour did something very similar to this to her son (after having an affair), chucking her lovely husband out, moving new boyfriend in then sold the house soon after with her son having nowhere to go - it was so sad 🙁

Some people really shouldn't be parents....

Noicant · 08/03/2024 05:43

I don’t understand this at all, this sneaky dishonesty towards your own kid. It’s so toxic.

HomeIsHardToFind · 08/03/2024 05:57

We are moving (not just considering it and tit arsing viewers around 🙄)
We told my 17 and 13 year old kids the day we made the decision, it's their home too.
They both have access to rightmove and have sent me links to properties to view. When we viewed the house we are hopefully moving to we viewed it first and then had a second viewing to take the kids to see if they liked it too.
I can't believe you are trying to sell your house out from under your adult sons feet, just tell him.

MississippiAF · 08/03/2024 06:03

Is it to avoid the awkward conversation of why you’re looking for a bigger place? i.e babies?

just tell him.

Shoxfordian · 08/03/2024 06:07

If you're not seriously interested in moving then you're just wasting everyone's time including the poor woman coming to view the house. You're also really unreasonable towards your son, how can it not be his business when he lives there?

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/03/2024 06:10

Could you put it to him that you are just checking the market, to see whether people are interested and to see what you'd get for it?

A 24 year gap between children! You are very brave!

PansyOatZebra · 08/03/2024 06:11

yourekiddingme · 07/03/2024 23:45

I think I just thought that it was none of his business, he doesn't tell us anything about his plans and I don't personally see why he should know yet if we are only considering.

Well he lives in the house and it’s his home. It’s very much his business.

I can’t imagine my parents planning on moving and not telling me and I don’t even live with them. I’d just be sad they didn’t share a big life event with me.

MiddleagedBeachbum · 08/03/2024 06:15

Wow poor boy the way you speak about his is disgraceful.
Id never dream of doing this to my son, you’ll ruin your relationship forever when he finds out you’re lying to him like this.

Hawdyerwheesht · 08/03/2024 06:16

Yabu

Londonrach1 · 08/03/2024 06:22

Your poor ds
You need to tell him like any other parent would.

DrySherry · 08/03/2024 06:24

It does seem really odd that you would have got to the advanced stage of marketing the property, and hosting viewings, yet he still hasn't been told, let alone involved in the planning.
I think this needs to be discussed fully with him before it (quite rightly) blows in to a storm. Very odd behaviour.

Zonder · 08/03/2024 06:24

Trying for a baby is nobody's business but yours.

Selling your home is the business of all the people living there.

Just tell him.

DurhamDurham · 08/03/2024 06:31

Considering selling a house is when you're thinking about it, the cost, the upheaval etc.

You're got viewings arranged so it's definitely more than you just considering it.

If he's likely to be upset about moving, imagine how upset he'll be that you did it all behind his back.

You need to have a conversation with him.

SpringLobelia · 08/03/2024 06:35

This is quite crackers OP.

Just be honest and straightforward about the house. Otherwise you will get yourself into a ridiculous state with lies and more lies and he will find out anyway.