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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask adult child to go out as we've made plans?

475 replies

yourekiddingme · 07/03/2024 23:29

We have decided to look for a bigger house with a view to maybe trying for another baby, it's early days and we've only just put the house on the market.
We have an adult ds living at home and haven't mentioned anything to him as it's early days and we don't know if it'll happen yet, the move or baby.
Someone is coming to view on Saturday and ds works Saturdays which is why we arranged for Saturday, unfortunately we did have to let this lady down last week as a work issue came up so she's coming this Saturday instead.
Ds has just announced that he's booked this Saturday off throwing a spanner in the works.

I can't mess this woman around again and I particularly don't want to explain our maybe plans to ds at this stage which would be awkward if she comes to view and he's home.
AIBU to tell him we've made plans around him being at work and it's inconvenient that he's now home and ask that if he's not working on Saturday he's not home?
I think I know I'm being unreasonable but I'm just so annoyed.

OP posts:
Mumoftwo1312 · 07/03/2024 23:31

I think you need to tell him you've put the house on the market, if he lives there.

TheUsualChaos · 07/03/2024 23:31

I think you're all adults and you just need to be honest with him. It is his home too atm after all.

Spencer0220 · 07/03/2024 23:31

Tell your son. He's an adult.

Don't treat him like a baby

Limbo2 · 07/03/2024 23:32

Why not just tell him the truth about the house, you don't have to mention considering trying for a baby.

Lampan · 07/03/2024 23:33

It’s absolutely not reasonable to be annoyed that he’s booked the day off work when he has no idea that you are secretly plotting something. It’s his home too so if he wants a day off it’s reasonable that he might want to spend it in the house. Why not just tell him? You’ll have to tell him at some point if the sale goes ahead.

Original poster
yourekiddingme · 07/03/2024 23:35

I know he won't want to move, that's why I don't want to tell him in case it doesn't happen anyway, it was just something we wanted to keep to ourselves for now until we knew what we were doing.

OP posts:
xyzandabc · 07/03/2024 23:35

Better he finds out about his home being on the market from you than someone else. Surely it's going to be marketed by the estate agent. If he doesn't see the advert, someone he knows might. What happens when they then ask him if he's moving. That would cause all sorts of awkwardness and embarrassment for him if he didn't know.

GreenRaven · 07/03/2024 23:36

Just tell him the house is on the market

Mothership4two · 07/03/2024 23:36

I don't understand why you would keep your plans a secret from him? House move not baby obviously

Isittimeformynapyet · 07/03/2024 23:37

"I think I know I'm being unreasonable but I'm just so annoyed."

Well, now you know you know.

Starlightstarbright3 · 07/03/2024 23:39

Yabu ….. He is a grown up . Treat him like one.

Mumoftwo1312 · 07/03/2024 23:39

yourekiddingme · 07/03/2024 23:35

I know he won't want to move, that's why I don't want to tell him in case it doesn't happen anyway, it was just something we wanted to keep to ourselves for now until we knew what we were doing.

In most families I know, adult kids have an input on decisions like moving house (and indeed non-adult kids). I think you're being really unfair on him.

If you can afford to upsize, I don't see why he wouldn't be able to see this as a positive if you have a proper conversation about it

Precipice · 07/03/2024 23:39

YABVU to tell your son he can't stay at home when he's living there and YABVU to put the house on the market without telling him. This is insane.

Changingplace · 07/03/2024 23:39

yourekiddingme · 07/03/2024 23:35

I know he won't want to move, that's why I don't want to tell him in case it doesn't happen anyway, it was just something we wanted to keep to ourselves for now until we knew what we were doing.

So are you not expecting him to move with you? You’re selling up and expecting him to go where exactly?

You need to talk to him about the potential move, I don’t understand why it’s a secret, you’re making this possibly worse!

ThinWomansBrain · 07/03/2024 23:41

he's an adult - if you sell the house he should be intelligent enough to work out that he will either have to move with you to your new home, of fend for himself.

CuteCillian · 07/03/2024 23:41

He is an adult, treat him as such!

trippily · 07/03/2024 23:42

Is there a drip feed that he is nd? Why wouldn't you tell him?

WhateverMate · 07/03/2024 23:43

YABU to sell what is after all his home out from under him, without being honest.

WTF? Why?

SneakySnakeEx · 07/03/2024 23:43

Why are you treating him like a child. He's an adult. Have an adult discussion.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/03/2024 23:44

You hoping to do a midnight flit without him? Suprise him with a for sale sign? Surely if you tell him you're moving and he doesn't want to, the more time he has to find his own place the better. And if he moves out, you might not even need the bigger house for your new child

HoHoHoliday · 07/03/2024 23:45

If you are planning to sell the house your son lives in it's common decency to tell him. You can explain to him that you aren't sure and are looking at options, but still, tell him.

Original poster
yourekiddingme · 07/03/2024 23:45

I think I just thought that it was none of his business, he doesn't tell us anything about his plans and I don't personally see why he should know yet if we are only considering.

OP posts:
MississippiAF · 07/03/2024 23:45

It’s not his choice? Why are you treating him like a child? Tell him the house is on the market so he needs to be out of the house for a viewing. What he thinks of it is neither here nor there.

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/03/2024 23:46

Would you want him to move with you or not? How old is he?

JanglingJack · 07/03/2024 23:46

How strange to be so annoyed with your adult child for being caught up in something he knows nothing about.
Is it because he's not the baby you want any more?
He deserves to know the plans regarding a move, maybe he'll start looking for his own place. You're being very unfair on him.