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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask adult child to go out as we've made plans?

475 replies

yourekiddingme · 07/03/2024 23:29

We have decided to look for a bigger house with a view to maybe trying for another baby, it's early days and we've only just put the house on the market.
We have an adult ds living at home and haven't mentioned anything to him as it's early days and we don't know if it'll happen yet, the move or baby.
Someone is coming to view on Saturday and ds works Saturdays which is why we arranged for Saturday, unfortunately we did have to let this lady down last week as a work issue came up so she's coming this Saturday instead.
Ds has just announced that he's booked this Saturday off throwing a spanner in the works.

I can't mess this woman around again and I particularly don't want to explain our maybe plans to ds at this stage which would be awkward if she comes to view and he's home.
AIBU to tell him we've made plans around him being at work and it's inconvenient that he's now home and ask that if he's not working on Saturday he's not home?
I think I know I'm being unreasonable but I'm just so annoyed.

OP posts:
DodgyDynamics · 08/03/2024 06:38

You have a very weird relationship with your son. Just tell him. I would have told my kids from the very start, whatever their age.

Trulyme · 08/03/2024 06:42

I wouldn’t tell him about your plans TTC yet but I absolutely would tell him about the move.

I assume there are others reasons of wanting to move other than just having another baby, so why not just explain these.
As you may not be able to conceive and by the time the baby comes your son will be older and either moved out or planning to soon, so it seems odd if you are moving for solely this reason.

When were you thinking of telling him?
When the removal vans were outside?

If you know he’s not going to be happy about it then it’s better to tell him sooner rather than later so he can process the information.

It’s really weird how you and your DH are being so shady about this and I feel really sorry for your son.

TwylaSands · 08/03/2024 06:42

How far are you planning on moving? How ling have you been with your partner?

id have no issue telling him he need to be out of the house

autumn1610 · 08/03/2024 06:42

@yourekiddingme is someone viewing it to buy or viewing it to value it? If it’s EA coming to value it just tell him you want to know how much house is worth or something like that to do with mortgage. Personally I would just tell him it is something you are looking to do but aren’t sure yet

Ilikewinter · 08/03/2024 06:44

What a bizarre situation.

jeaux90 · 08/03/2024 06:44

OP this is batshit.
I've told my Dd14 who has ADHD and ASD we are selling and moving this year, position the positives, she is on board. I don't understand why you wouldn't tell him.

Beautiful3 · 08/03/2024 06:45

Just tell him you're getting the house valued, as you want to know what it's worth now.

clpsmum · 08/03/2024 06:47

Mumoftwo1312 · 07/03/2024 23:31

I think you need to tell him you've put the house on the market, if he lives there.

This I find it odd you're being so secretive tbh. Doesn't make any difference if he's there or not

Serenityandsmiles · 08/03/2024 06:47

That is a horribly selfish way to treat your son. You sound incredibly resentful of your poor son

MonopolyTrading · 08/03/2024 06:49

I agree, you clearly don't like the kid you've got. So why on earth would you have another?

fluffi · 08/03/2024 06:50

YABU x 2 … YABU 1 because you’ve not told your son you are marketing and trying to sell his home. YABU 2 because you are annoyed he is going to be home on Saturday.

So no you can’t tell him to go out, you are going to have to let him know what is going on and then he can still chose to stay in Saturday if he wants because he’s made plans to
stay in (sounds like he probably needs a rest if normally works Sat and chosen day off at random) and had the courtesy to tell you about his plans in advance.

As everyone says TTC none of his business but if you sell you can’t exchange he has signed a document stating he will move out on completion … so you will need him onboard if you sell!

ButterflyTable · 08/03/2024 06:51

Instead of asking him not to be home, discuss the situation openly. Explain the importance of the house viewing. Collaborate on finding a solution that works for everyone involved. It’s important to be honest, he’s your son after all.

Unless there is some huge back story where he can’t be trusted? He is an adult, he doesn’t need to tell you all about his life, if it bothers you that he makes plans without telling you, then talk to him and say if the plans impact you, you’d like to know.

There seems to be a huge lack of communication and maturity here.

WonderingWanda · 08/03/2024 06:51

How on earth would it be better to keepnet quiet until its all finalised? 'Oh, hey ds, I forgot to mention but we've sold the house and we're moving next Friday, can you pack your stuff'.

Where are you planning to move, is it a long way and not convenient for ds's job? Are you actually hoping your adult ds will move out so you can play happy families with your new baby? I don't get it at all.

MagnoliaBrown · 08/03/2024 06:58

The whole situation is crazy.

He doesn't tell you what is going on in his life so it's normal behaviour to put your house up for sale - where he lives without telling him? Are the things he doesn't tell you about the same sort of stuff? Has he got married when you were out at work for example,

And I agree that you are being a dick showing people the house if when you havent decided to sell it.

Trulyme · 08/03/2024 07:01

MonopolyTrading · 08/03/2024 06:49

I agree, you clearly don't like the kid you've got. So why on earth would you have another?

I have heard of this situation before, where the mum gets a new partner and they want to have their own little family and the previous kids become unwanted.

It would be interesting to know how long OP has been with her DH.

If it’s not been that long, then she’s mad for wanting to TTC and change her whole life for him.
But if they’ve been together a while then it’s odd that it’s happening now.

The house is already on the market and so they’re obviously serious about moving, yet they’ve not told the adult son, it’s so unfair isn’t it.

I also find it odd that she’s not even TTC yet and don’t know if she even can, yet it sounds like she’s moving for this reason.
Surely you’d TTC first.

Most women wouldn’t want a 23yo+ age gap between their kids.

Something definitely isn’t right and I feel so sorry for the son.

Poppyzo · 08/03/2024 07:04

Instead of surprising him discuss it with him. How do you know how he will react. Plus you don’t all have to be there. One of you could go out with your son when the viewing is happening.

MabelMoo23 · 08/03/2024 07:08

Christ you sound absolutely vile! Your poor son.

but if you think you can sneakily sell the house without him know, you are very must mistaken. As he is an adult who lives in the house, he would need to sign documents to say he’s got no legal claim on the property.

what a disgraceful way to treat your son. It’s his home!!!!

HomeIsHardToFind · 08/03/2024 07:10

Something else I forgot to mention, my 17 year old will have to sign to say he will be vacating the property once it is sold. I believe anyone over 16 has to sign.
He may well just scupper your plans if you treat him like dirt.

Rainallnight · 08/03/2024 07:10

yourekiddingme · 07/03/2024 23:45

I think I just thought that it was none of his business, he doesn't tell us anything about his plans and I don't personally see why he should know yet if we are only considering.

But if you’re at the point of actually having viewings, you’re not just considering. You’re making it happen.

And there’s a difference between him not telling you, say, that he’s off this weekend, and you not telling him that you’re SELLING HIS HOME

Trulyme · 08/03/2024 07:15

Rainallnight · 08/03/2024 07:10

But if you’re at the point of actually having viewings, you’re not just considering. You’re making it happen.

And there’s a difference between him not telling you, say, that he’s off this weekend, and you not telling him that you’re SELLING HIS HOME

Show quote history

Exactly!!

The house is on the market and they’re having viewings!

Sounds like they see him as an inconvenience and now he’s not working that day he’s inconveniencing them even more.

TwylaSands · 08/03/2024 07:15

Serenityandsmiles · 08/03/2024 06:47

That is a horribly selfish way to treat your son. You sound incredibly resentful of your poor son

He is 23 not 5! And has a habit of cancelling work shifts.

tara66 · 08/03/2024 07:24

Do you always cut your DS out of knowing important decisions that affect him? Does he pay you for living there?

Humanswarm · 08/03/2024 07:25

'Considering'putting the house on the market is not putting the house on the market. I totally get not saying anything until you have decided, but, it sounds to me like the decision has been made. You do need to talk to him OP. My DD is 20, she would be mortified if she thought I was putting the house on the market without engaging with her. In fact, we moved two years ago and all the children were consulted. Even my then ds6.
What are you worrying about? This is actually a great life lesson too, selling/buying property can be complex, and drawn out. That experience can help him when he comes to purchase his first home?

Ophy83 · 08/03/2024 07:29

As an adult living there he'll have to confirm that he has no interest in the house in any event

Moonfishstar · 08/03/2024 07:29

If you’re so unsure about moving that you’re not ready to tell your son, your house shouldn’t be on the market, and you shouldn’t be having viewings!

I wonder if there’s an extra dynamic here that hasn’t been mentioned yet…. You seem very uncertain about actually wanting to move, and it would be very strange to put your house on the market in such circumstances… so I’m surmising that your DH is a lot keener, and that he has pushed to get the house on the market despite your misgivings? Am I right? If so, you need to get things straightened out with your DH first and foremost!

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