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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask adult child to go out as we've made plans?

475 replies

yourekiddingme · 07/03/2024 23:29

We have decided to look for a bigger house with a view to maybe trying for another baby, it's early days and we've only just put the house on the market.
We have an adult ds living at home and haven't mentioned anything to him as it's early days and we don't know if it'll happen yet, the move or baby.
Someone is coming to view on Saturday and ds works Saturdays which is why we arranged for Saturday, unfortunately we did have to let this lady down last week as a work issue came up so she's coming this Saturday instead.
Ds has just announced that he's booked this Saturday off throwing a spanner in the works.

I can't mess this woman around again and I particularly don't want to explain our maybe plans to ds at this stage which would be awkward if she comes to view and he's home.
AIBU to tell him we've made plans around him being at work and it's inconvenient that he's now home and ask that if he's not working on Saturday he's not home?
I think I know I'm being unreasonable but I'm just so annoyed.

OP posts:
Precipice · 07/03/2024 23:47

yourekiddingme · 07/03/2024 23:45

I think I just thought that it was none of his business, he doesn't tell us anything about his plans and I don't personally see why he should know yet if we are only considering.

HE LIVES THERE. HE IS YOUR SON.

pizzaHeart · 07/03/2024 23:47

How old is he? Is he not your partner’s son?
You can’t keep it secret at this stage when you are having viewings. It’s ridiculous. Your buyer might go and ask neighbours about something and they might mention it to your son. You can t even imagine how quickly it might escalate.

Spencer0220 · 07/03/2024 23:49

yourekiddingme · 07/03/2024 23:45

I think I just thought that it was none of his business, he doesn't tell us anything about his plans and I don't personally see why he should know yet if we are only considering.

You are being incredibly selfish. No wonder he doesn't want to tell you!!!

You should tell him because a stranger will be looking in his personal space.

I'd be absolutely livid if my DH agreed to a viewing without telling me, and I hadn't tidied my stuff away.

Itslegitimatesalvage · 07/03/2024 23:49

What sort of family is this? You serialist haven’t chatted to your adult son who lives with you about your plans to move? How far afield will you be moving? Will it affect his travel for work so he’ll need to find his own place? Will it affect how much rent you expect from him?

How can you be a family if you don’t talk about this stuff? And you want another kid. Do better.

JanglingJack · 07/03/2024 23:50

Precipice · 07/03/2024 23:47

HE LIVES THERE. HE IS YOUR SON.

Show quote history

This.

I can't even begin to understand your thinking. I have an adult son, if he was still living here of course I'd give a heads up.
You sound like you don't even like him.

Mikkismum · 07/03/2024 23:51

Is it an estate agent coming on Saturday or a potential purchaser? If the former, then you could rearrange, if the latter then it would seem you are past the 'considering selling' stage and you need to let your son know.

Screamingabdabz · 07/03/2024 23:51

Wow! I can’t imagine treating my adult child like this. Why wouldn’t you talk to them about something that affects them quite significantly? Sounds like you don’t like them very much.

LittleGreenDragons · 07/03/2024 23:51

If you sell the house will he be moving with you? If not, then he needs to start looking for alternative accommodation.

I'm baffled as to why you have his home on the market, and yes it is his home, and not even told him...

maudelovesharold · 07/03/2024 23:52

You’re going to ruin your relationship with your ds if you:

a) try to get rid of him on Saturday with lies, because he’s had the temerity to book a day off and it’s inconvenient for whatever silly game you’re playing.

b) conceal the possibility that you might be moving in the near future.

What’s he done to deserve being sidelined like this? Is one of you his step parent?

Cantrushart · 07/03/2024 23:52

Unbelievable. Is he a stepson whose getting in the way of your plans for a fresh start?

JanglingJack · 07/03/2024 23:53

He just sounds like an inconvenience to you, now that you are considering a new house and a new baby.
Too weird for me to comprehend.

Mothership4two · 07/03/2024 23:54

yourekiddingme · 07/03/2024 23:45

I think I just thought that it was none of his business, he doesn't tell us anything about his plans and I don't personally see why he should know yet if we are only considering.

But why don't you think he should know? What difference will it make to you one way or another? Other than not feeling guilty that you are lying to your own child.

Of course it's his business, it's his home and it will effect his life.

We have adult DS at home. Think this post is weird possible wind up

InWalksBarberalla · 07/03/2024 23:54

What a strange way to talk about and treat a son. Do you not like him?

Kitkat1523 · 07/03/2024 23:54

You should tell him your plans…..he’s not 8 ……you don’t sound as if you like him much

Original poster
yourekiddingme · 07/03/2024 23:55

Cantrushart · 07/03/2024 23:52

Unbelievable. Is he a stepson whose getting in the way of your plans for a fresh start?

He is my son but not dh. It just wasn't time to tell him yet and now he's going to be home after all. He will have a lot to say about it and we don't know ourselves yet.

OP posts:
Kitkat1523 · 07/03/2024 23:56

Sounds like it’s the stepson….not the son….no mother would treat her own son this badly surely

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 07/03/2024 23:57

Ah...the OP's son, but not dh's son

makes sense now

along with thinking about having a baby

Original poster
yourekiddingme · 07/03/2024 23:58

Of course I like him.
Deep down I think the move is very unlikely and at my age so is a baby so I'd rather not have brought it up because it might not happen so he wouldn't have needed to ever know.
If I was more serious and invested in definitely moving it would be different.

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 08/03/2024 00:02

Tricky.
If he is likely to behave poorly in front of the viewer then I would think of an excuse for your DH and son to be out while you are in to greet the viewer.

If DS is likely to take the news okay and agree to be out while the viewing is in progress (knowing his bedroom door will not be opened during the viewing) then I would tell him.

Ideally I would tell him. he might wish to purchase the home from you.

Luckycloverz · 08/03/2024 00:04

Pretty strange and unfair not to have had a conversation with him about possibly moving before going ahead with putting it on the market, annoying for buyers too why list it if you're not serious.
As for the baby conversation you don't need to bring that up.

easilydistracted1 · 08/03/2024 00:05

I think you just need to tell him that you are getting the house checked out. If it's on the market then he will find out it's all online and someone might find it looking for something else. If it's just a valuation I would say were finding out the price of the house or something

EmmaEmerald · 08/03/2024 00:07

You don’t know if you want to move but you have people viewing your house?!

BubziOwl · 08/03/2024 00:09

This all sounds a bit odd tbh. Are you not worried he will come across the listing online? Or a friend of his might?

How old is he? Why is he living at home?

Mothership4two · 08/03/2024 00:11

Deep down I think the move is very unlikely

So tell him that. We're exploring the possiblity, but it might never happen.

Instead of just saying something you are considering subterfuge to get him out of the house?!

MaloneMeadow · 08/03/2024 00:11

He‘s an adult for goodness sake - give your head a wobble and treat him like one. What’s the point in being so bizarrely secretive? I think he might notice his own home up for sale somehow!

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