To ask adult child to go out as we've made plans?

[yourekiddingme]

We have decided to look for a bigger house with a view to maybe trying for another baby, it's early days and we've only just put the house on the market.
We have an adult ds living at home and haven't mentioned anything to him as it's early days and we don't know if it'll happen yet, the move or baby.
Someone is coming to view on Saturday and ds works Saturdays which is why we arranged for Saturday, unfortunately we did have to let this lady down last week as a work issue came up so she's coming this Saturday instead.
Ds has just announced that he's booked this Saturday off throwing a spanner in the works.

I can't mess this woman around again and I particularly don't want to explain our maybe plans to ds at this stage which would be awkward if she comes to view and he's home.
AIBU to tell him we've made plans around him being at work and it's inconvenient that he's now home and ask that if he's not working on Saturday he's not home?
I think I know I'm being unreasonable but I'm just so annoyed.

Incredibly strange of you to go about this the way that you are choosing to. Incredibly strange. And the reasons you've given as to why, such as

"It's none of his business, he doesn't tell us anything about his plans."

You're the adult, try to remember that.

Secondly, you failed to mention originally that you do not own your house nor is it 'on the market' - again, strange that you're wording things the way you are.

Your house is council/Housing association so, why would you not just say
that you're looking at an option of a mutual exchange and not sure if you want your eldest child to know yet, incase of the possibility that it doesn't happen.

We used to be HA some years ago, before we gave it up and bought a house. But during that time, we viewed multiple places for a mutual exchange and they never worked out. Every time I communicated the possibility of it with my son who was then between the ages of 5-7. It's just healthy discussion.
When he was 7 he was well aware that we were looking at buying a property 3 hours north of where we lived at the time.
We explained the reasons, pros and process of the move, viewing, buying stages and kept him in the loop.

Again, you seem to lack something with communication. By changing the details of the story, you've come across far worse.
A mutual exchange viewing is far less intense in the process than that of selling a house and starting the viewing process with a house 'on the market.'

Sit your son down and say, there's a small chance that a lady with a house state where may want to do a mutual exchange with your home and hers and you're considering it as it's bigger. List other pros. And that you're having her over to view on Saturday. Could he take himself off out for a couple of hours between x time and x time while she's over.

Explain that she's viewing yours first and if she's interested, you'll all be viewing hers to see if you like the house and area and explain things will potentially move forward with paperwork from there. But thats only if both households agree and dont back out.

Sharing that info with him is no biggie.
You shouldn't be keeping this information from him, just be honest and communicate clearly. Have that respect for him and teach him to communicate.

Not directed at you just quoting for context, what is wrong with having a baby over 40? I was 41 when I had my first!

All adults living at the property must sign the sale contract to confirm that they will leave the property before completion. If they do not sign they may have a right to continue living at the property after completion.

@Rosscameasdoody This is a bit beside the point now as the OP doesn't own her house- it's social housing.

However, I'm still taking issue with your comment!

The 'adults living at the property' doesn't surely apply to a girlfriend or boyfriend who's moved in. IF that was the case, can you see how it could pan out?
Anyone shacking up with someone else, even for a few months, could say they had to consent to that person's right to sell their house!

Can you imagine how that might work out?!!!

Some new partner moves in and after 3 months the other partner wants to sell up- and they won't agree as they want to live there!

It's not quite as simple as you think.

And don't criticise google. I looked at proper legal websites.

Cases where there is a dispute go to the civil court and it costs a LOT of money to push cases like this through. Most people can't afford that.

The courts also regards adults as being able to find their own homes, even if they currently live with their parents.

You're taking your own personal experience and somehow thinking it applies to anyone. It doesn't. Sharing a home with a boyfriend or girlfriend (without a formal tenancy agreement) doesn't give anyone rights to stop a sale.

For goodness sake just stop pussyfooting around, be up front, he's adult and it's your home..

This!
Why on earth would you not tell him about the move?

He may not get a say in whether you move , personally I don't think he should at 23 have an influence on your decision but he has a right to know.

OP you've been given a very hard time on here. Completely understand why you would rather keep this low key at the moment and avoid starting hares running. But there you are - it's not worked out and best tell him you're considering a swap and so someone coming to look at yours.He may not be happy but it's your house, not his. He gets to make decisions about his house when he gets one. End of.

Would he be your step son by any chance?

Well why dont you ask him?
This is a perfect chance to bring it up.
It sounds like communciation is failing massively within the family.

I just dont understand. He is your son. You're still his mother no matter how old he is. I know at that age children do want to do their own independent thing.
But what? Does he just walk out whilst your asking him a question? Is his attitude really bad. Im honestly trying to understand why this whole thing would not just come up in everyday conversation if hes been living with you all his life. He knows you, you know him best. I just dont understand the lack of general communication.

My son was a nightmare. Bad attitude. Wrong choice of friends. Gang life he qould bring back to the house. Police trouble at our door. He moved out at 18 and got his only place. Flat shares through homeless companies. He was happier on his own. But when we were thinking of moving even when he was there and did not live here anymore we still told him. He still comes around very often. We all communicate very well. When he needs help we are there for him no matter the past issues and our differences. He doesn't tell us everything he's been up too but he tell us the basics and we tell him our plans whether they directly affect him or not. He's still our child no matter the age. Still apart of the family and will hence still be included in our lives in every way. Even if he does not live with us. We didnt move in the end. But we were just THINKING of it. Same thing through house swap. We put up our house on the website. And that was whilst he was here still. But he knew every step. And he didnt want to move then we still went on with it. Whilst he knew. Even if he would be a bit more difficult

That's absolutely the case. Any adult resident must consent to the sale of a property. That's the law.

The law must be different in N.I. then as I genuinely have never seen or heard of anything like this. We have a very good solicitor (also knows DD very well due to a previous custody battle) who would certainly have been on top of it should it have been a requirement. DH also had 3 adult sons living with him who never had to sign anything either

For some reason the Gods are working against you.
Let the lady come.
Dont put her off again.
Chances are DS will be out when she arrives.
Or: just give a viewing fleetingly upstairs and dont go in his room.
Say : "someones asleep in there"
Dont make a big deal of it when she arrives ( about the non viewed room)
Selling houses is not a exact Science. Sometimes its hit -and -miss. Sometimes you have to get a feel of the market by going around getting viewings , speaking to agents to see how much , in reality, you can sell for.

She isn't selling. The OP in a subsequent post said it is a council house swap.

I think you need to be honest with your adult son.
Good luck with everything.

I think you need to be honest with your 23yr son

If he doesn't want /like the new house you are swapping to them he can find his own place

You are 40 ish ? So yes possibly to get preg equally may be too late. Maybe have some fsh and amr tests done

Why are you going to such trouble to take issue with this poster ? She posted from her own experience and there have been several other posts supporting the fact that it is indeed a legal requirement to ensure all residents will vacate on completion of the sale.

I had a quick google myself and it seems that in England this applies to all non-owning occupiers of the property and goes towards the obligation to ensure vacant possession for the buyer. You are correct in that non owning occupiers don’t have the right to stop a sale, but in practice they can make it very difficult as anything causing a delay in the signing and exchanging of contracts has a trickle down effect on the chain and it can make the participants very nervous.

At the time she posted it wasn’t known that this was a house swap, so you are the only one perpetuating the argument and derailing the thread. Maybe time to stop now and go check your blood pressure.

You’ve quoted me in bold at the start of your post. Can l just point out that what you’ve quoted and described as my ‘comment’ was actually copied and pasted from a legal conveyancing website and is the wording used in the law applying to properly sales in England. You can ‘take issue’ with it all you want but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s the law. Applying to all occupiers resident at the point of sale. I can google too. The only difference is that I have actual experience of how the law translates into real life. Not engaging with this nitpicking any more. It’s stupid and pointless.

Fucking hell I can't believe what I'm reading.
If he doesn't want to move area he can put his hand in his pocket and pay his own way

Because you're the grown up and model good and appropriate behavioir.

Also you are pretty far down the process if someone is viewing the house.

This is a 101 in how to make your kid feel unwanted. BTW we are moving and having a new baby... see ya!

It's only the law in terms of house sales

Op has updated to say that it's a housing association house, and she's looking to exchange, not sell. So while the information is correct, it's not relevant to this specific situation.

Yabvu to spin a completely false narrative in the OP leading people to give advice/comment on a completely different situation.

Are you sure that the reason for not wanting to tell your son too soon about the possibility of a house swap, is because you know that he might move out by himself and then you wouldn't qualify for a swap to anything other than a property with less bedrooms. You need him to still be living with you at the time of signing so you don't want to rock the boat until it's a done deal?

None of his business? Wow! You're considering selling his home (yeah, yeah you pay the mortgage, blah, blah) and not even having a discussion first?Unless son is ND or otherwise impaired, you could at least do him the courtesy of talking to him and treating him like an adult. However, if your aim is to get him to move out and go no contact then carry on as you are.

Yep. I know that. I posted before OP updated to say it was HA swap. From that point on, this poster has been determined to take issue with every post I’ve made, and it was beginning to derail the thread.

It was quite a drip feed @Rosscameasdoody

@yourekiddingme

Did the viewing take place ?
if so, did the lady like it
did she get to see the entire property
or did you keep her out of your adult son's room
did you son go out
does your son now know that you are thinking of moving ?
if so, how did he take it !