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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask adult child to go out as we've made plans?

475 replies

yourekiddingme · 07/03/2024 23:29

We have decided to look for a bigger house with a view to maybe trying for another baby, it's early days and we've only just put the house on the market.
We have an adult ds living at home and haven't mentioned anything to him as it's early days and we don't know if it'll happen yet, the move or baby.
Someone is coming to view on Saturday and ds works Saturdays which is why we arranged for Saturday, unfortunately we did have to let this lady down last week as a work issue came up so she's coming this Saturday instead.
Ds has just announced that he's booked this Saturday off throwing a spanner in the works.

I can't mess this woman around again and I particularly don't want to explain our maybe plans to ds at this stage which would be awkward if she comes to view and he's home.
AIBU to tell him we've made plans around him being at work and it's inconvenient that he's now home and ask that if he's not working on Saturday he's not home?
I think I know I'm being unreasonable but I'm just so annoyed.

OP posts:
UncreativeUsername24 · 08/03/2024 19:55

As previous posters have said, if he's an adult you should tell him. If he's going to be very against moving, that's almost all the more reason to tell him. If he really doesn't want to move with you he might be wanting to move out on his own, and then he's going to need plenty of notice so he can start going to viewings himself and making sure he has enough money put aside for rent, deposit etc! And if he just doesn't like change/like the idea of the move, more notice might give him chance to come around to the idea

Rosscameasdoody · 08/03/2024 20:07

PostItInABook · 08/03/2024 14:55

Wow. This is the epitome of out with the old, in with the new that so many women end up doing. Got the shiny new family so the old one can do one eh?

What shiny new family ? DS is her son by a previous relationship, she and DH have another child together and she wants to get pregnant again, so thinking of upsizing. How on earth do you conclude this is out with the old and in with the new ?

HumanRightsAreHumanRights · 08/03/2024 20:12

You don't get to upsize just in case in social housing though, so I don't understand how you can be doing that unless you are over occupied at the moment.

At the point that 2 people agree they want to take a house swap it can take 'up to 42 days' which really isn't long when you consider the person who is coming to look on the weekend might want to do the swap.

Were you planning to pack up when he's at work and tell him on your way out the door?

Nanaof1 · 08/03/2024 22:13

yourekiddingme · 07/03/2024 23:45

I think I just thought that it was none of his business, he doesn't tell us anything about his plans and I don't personally see why he should know yet if we are only considering.

Sorry, but that sounds massively immature. It's like, "he doesn't tell us stuff so we aren't going to tell him!".

Instead of one-upmanship, it's like one-downmanship, a.k.a. who can go lower.

Tell him you are looking into it, and he can either cope or he can seethe. FFS

Clairet1976 · 08/03/2024 22:52

CottonCandyLand · 08/03/2024 02:10

What legal documents?

Show quote history

To state he has no financial interest in the house

AuntMarch · 08/03/2024 23:10

My mum and step dad bought a house and moved while I was still living at home at about 21. I didn't love it, but I sucked it up because it wasn't my decision. I would have been way more bothered if they didn't tell me until it was a definite though.

Mothership4two · 09/03/2024 00:25

@lilystargazer

Safety in numbers.
The first couple of posts decide the direction of a thread and then the mumsnet sheople all chant the same.

🙄

Or many posters have the same point of view and agree that a mother contemplating a significant life event that could seriously impact her son's life and deliberately not giving him a heads up to the point that she is lying and contemplating tricking him is very odd and quite mean? And discussing him in a childish way.

This cloak and dagger behaviour seems to be creating more drama than is necessary IMO

Safety in numbers - from who or what? This is an anonymous forum where everyone can safely give an honest opinion. This is MN, posters disagree all the time. Has to be a contender for silliest comment of the day

mumsnet sheople AKA posters you happen to disagree with.

MaloneMeadow · 09/03/2024 00:46

Mothership4two · 09/03/2024 00:25

@lilystargazer

Safety in numbers.
The first couple of posts decide the direction of a thread and then the mumsnet sheople all chant the same.

🙄

Or many posters have the same point of view and agree that a mother contemplating a significant life event that could seriously impact her son's life and deliberately not giving him a heads up to the point that she is lying and contemplating tricking him is very odd and quite mean? And discussing him in a childish way.

This cloak and dagger behaviour seems to be creating more drama than is necessary IMO

Safety in numbers - from who or what? This is an anonymous forum where everyone can safely give an honest opinion. This is MN, posters disagree all the time. Has to be a contender for silliest comment of the day

mumsnet sheople AKA posters you happen to disagree with.

👏

Sootyb · 09/03/2024 06:38

I don't understand why you wouldn't tell him, that your thinking on selling 🤔 seems strange to me

Waterbaby41 · 09/03/2024 06:51

As he is an adult living in the house when you do sell he has to sign a document saying he will vacate the property - you will make this process much easier for all of you if you are honest with him now about your plans.

BadlyDrawnRoy · 09/03/2024 07:03

YABVU. And, you can't actually sell your house without the consent of everyone living in it. Tell him.

cansu · 09/03/2024 07:10

You are being very odd. Tell him.

Dinkydo12 · 09/03/2024 07:11

LOL what you are going to sell move and not tell him? Stop being stupid tell him you are selling. Baby talk seems a way off so bit pointless discussing something that hasn't happened yet. Think you are being a bit ridiculous Tbh.

MaloneMeadow · 09/03/2024 07:20

Waterbaby41 · 09/03/2024 06:51

As he is an adult living in the house when you do sell he has to sign a document saying he will vacate the property - you will make this process much easier for all of you if you are honest with him now about your plans.

I sold a house with DD living with me (aged 18 at the time) last year and have never heard or seen of anything like this

LimeAnkles · 09/03/2024 07:29

yourekiddingme · 07/03/2024 23:45

I think I just thought that it was none of his business, he doesn't tell us anything about his plans and I don't personally see why he should know yet if we are only considering.

FFS are you 12 years old?! He doesn't tell us anything, so we're not telling him our plans. Grow up!

He's your child for crying out loud. This move will affect him or are planning on dumping him to start a new family that he won't be a part of?!

Jack80 · 09/03/2024 07:44

Its your house, you are all adults. Tell him your plans.

Hyppogriff · 09/03/2024 07:45

This sounds like a very strange situation. Straight away I had assumed that one of you was not his bio parent - are you sure your partner has not ‘suggested’ this course of action including not to tell your son? I still don’t understand why you don’t just talk to him.

ThisDearDreamer · 09/03/2024 07:51

My parents did something similar when they sold my childhood home 2 years ago and I was devastated, I couldn't come to terms with it and felt like I didn't matter because I didn't know until they had a buyer. I didn't speak to them for months, I was heartbroken.
It might be just a house to you but you don't know what it might mean to your son.

mamajong · 09/03/2024 08:01

This is odd. You are clearly doing more than just think about it if you are accepting viewings, just tell him the truth and let him air his concerns if he has them. It's better to have a disagreement as a family, out in the open, than to keep secrets, especially about something relatively minor.

JollyZebra · 09/03/2024 08:01

Tell him. Secrets in a family are insidious.

RampantIvy · 09/03/2024 08:10

This is a council house swap the OP is contemplating. She isn't selling.

However, not telling her DS is not on.

pam290358 · 09/03/2024 08:23

MaloneMeadow · 09/03/2024 07:20

I sold a house with DD living with me (aged 18 at the time) last year and have never heard or seen of anything like this

Show quote history

If you were selling with vacant possession to your buyer this is a legal requirement. The TA6 property information form asks for confirmation that the property is being sold with vacant possession and if so, asks for details of anyone over the age of 17 resident at the property, other than the buyer. The sale contract should contain a signed declaration from each such occupier that they will vacate the property on completion of the sale. Your solicitor should have ensured that your DD signed this declaration prior to exchange and completion.

NorthernSturdyGirl · 09/03/2024 08:30

You say you haven't made a decision yet, you can get away with that when you just get your house valued, not when you are actively having viewings. Also he is an adult and you will be taking strangers into his room, thats a real invasion of privacy. If I was him and I found out, I would be devastated and feel lied to ...because you lying to him and quite frankly your excuses do not wash!

Stop being cowards and tell him the truth, a new baby and a house move is a big change, one you are entitled to make but you risk losing your sons trust, security in their home and quite frankly you are treating him like he is a child. As parents you have already overstepped the mark and he will quite justifiably be devastated at your treatment of him. Backtrack now and come clean with your son before its too late.

Jilky · 09/03/2024 08:40

What kind of parents are you? Yes you are being unreasonable. A child is for life. Please don't have another one

changergranger · 09/03/2024 08:50

How on earth is "potentially swapping a HA house" anymore outing than "selling a house"?

Your attitude towards your son is really odd. He might not want to move but that's life. Is this how it's always been? Hiding as much as possible from him to avoid him having negative emotions? You're doing him a disservice.

Just be honest. You're potentially looking to swap for somewhere bigger. It might not happen. If you do decide to move, he is very welcome to join you. That you aren't sure if it's actually happening but that someone is coming to have a look.

If he's upset then just validate and be empathetic. It's fair enough for him to be disappointed about potentially moving if he doesn't want to. It's fine to express that as long as he isn't being rude to you both and as long as he knows it doesn't change anything.

It's fine for him to feel those things - it's an important part of life, one which I hazard a guess you've overly "protected" him from. Or perhaps protected yourself from having to deal with his negative emotions.

I am a bit confused though. Are you planning on waiting until you're pregnant before moving? Because if so this house swap lady could be waiting a while. Is she ok with waiting months and perhaps upwards of a year? Or is she expecting that if you both like each others houses you'll be starting the moving process right away?

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