To ask adult child to go out as we've made plans?

[yourekiddingme]

We have decided to look for a bigger house with a view to maybe trying for another baby, it's early days and we've only just put the house on the market.
We have an adult ds living at home and haven't mentioned anything to him as it's early days and we don't know if it'll happen yet, the move or baby.
Someone is coming to view on Saturday and ds works Saturdays which is why we arranged for Saturday, unfortunately we did have to let this lady down last week as a work issue came up so she's coming this Saturday instead.
Ds has just announced that he's booked this Saturday off throwing a spanner in the works.

I can't mess this woman around again and I particularly don't want to explain our maybe plans to ds at this stage which would be awkward if she comes to view and he's home.
AIBU to tell him we've made plans around him being at work and it's inconvenient that he's now home and ask that if he's not working on Saturday he's not home?
I think I know I'm being unreasonable but I'm just so annoyed.

OP have you got the order wrong?

Why don't you get pregnant first and then move?

Why up sticks and create a lot of extra work.

You might not fall pregnant as you say due to your age.

But try that first.

Otherwise a lot of bother without any potential outcome.

A lot of ripples for nothing

Safety in numbers.
The first couple of posts decide the direction of a thread and then the mumsnet sheople all chant the same.
Reminds me of a Monty python clip.

Her DS isn’t ‘the public’, he is close family for goodness sake and therefore considering it’s his home too deserves to know

Usually there's a sudden swing in the opposite direction at some point. Wait for it... it's probably coming now!

Whatever afe you talking about. How can you possibly classify her son as rhe public, he lives there for goodness sake, and he’s her child. And she’s past the thinking it through, she’s listed her home for a swap and has a woman viewing and she’s going to go view hers if the woman likes it

Wow. This is the epitome of out with the old, in with the new that so many women end up doing. Got the shiny new family so the old one can do one eh?

It sounds like you don't like your son very much.

I'm guessing you don't like him all that much

Can I just say: hats off to you starting the whole baby thing for the third time!! You'd have a 23yo, a 13yo and a baby. I know I couldn't!

Nah, got my own mind thanks. In what world is it ok to decide to move without telling your DS, who still lives at home? Anyone not thinking the OP is selfish I would love to know what their relationships with their adult DC are like non existent is my guess.

Actually, in my experience, the sort of people who have to open their mouth and narrate aloud/discuss every single possibility that enters their head are usually quite thick.

Like, that's something I've genuinely observed over years.

I don't believe in hiding away to do 100% of the research on your own of course, but if you're not capable of doing any preliminary research or legwork by yourself first, and you need a big group discussion to even start any decision making/brainstorming process, hmm...

To me it's fine to toy/play with/verify options, before floating it as a joint discussion, especially if it's a big or emotional topic. If it's ultimately not even likely to happen, you don't need to stir everyone up for no reason.

I do agree OP is being a bit too cloak and dagger here. As I said earlier, she could simply tell her son they're playing with the idea of moving simply for "change of scenery" or some other vague reason, but equally nothing wrong with not wanting to admit they're TTC before anything actually happens.

Are you talking about your actual child or is he your step and you don’t want to say so?!

So, now we have some more detail, and if I understand you, the issue is that you and DH are exploring getting a bigger house via a house swap and if this happens DS would be very welcome to come with you and would have a room in new property?

So, why not simply say this - and that it might not happen, that he is not being pushed out but obviously should the move happen and he decide not to come with you, you and DH will help him get settled somewhere else? And maybe DH and he could go to the pub on Saturday while the woman visits and they can chat about it some more then?

But surely anyone with more than 1 brain cell can tell the difference between having a casual viewer over and seriously making moving preparations?

It's very common to have viewers over and then decide not to sell, for many reasons (cold feet, offer too low, were never that keen on selling, etc).

It sounds like a very dramatic and emotional leap to me. If the DS is going to be as irrational and emotional as most Mumsnet people, I can understand why OP would want to save the headache, for something that's not even likely to happen.

Just tell him you've put the house on the market. He will be completely blindsided if you just suddenly announce you've sold the house which would be really unfair.

It has nothing to do with how many brain cells her DS has (what a very strange view you have basing everything on how intelligent anyone is) it has to do with the relationship between her DS and her. She will be having a lady round viewing the house and entering his room, and even possibly swapping their houses! In what bloody world is that ok not to tell him? At what point do you think she should tell him, moving day?

I wonder why.

I think I just thought that it was none of his business, he doesn't tell us anything about his plans

Do his plans involve the possibility of you having to move house without any prior knowledge that it was even on the cards, though?

He lives in the house !!! of course you should tell him. I don’t understand why you would keep something so important from him.

this. It is not unreasonable for you to sell your house with a view to buying a new one. It is not unreasonable for your adult child to not have a personal permanent bedroom in this new house. It is not unreasonable to ask an adult you live with to vacate the premises for an afternoon. It is not unreasonable to ask him to make sure his room is clean and tidy before he goes out.

It is however unreasonable to lie, deceive and exclude him from the plans. It is unreasonable to show strangers into his bedroom without warning him that you plan to do so.

If you are at the point of showing someone round your home, then surely you are at the point of telling your adult child that this is a consideration.

You should be honest with your adult child that you are thinking about getting a larger house. You don't need to mention the idea of having another baby, they don't need to know that unless you actually get pg.

However if you do sell you need to be aware that it's possible for an adult family member who isn't the owner to claim a beneficial interest in a property if they have lived there as an adult. When you come to sell, such a family member can refuse to leave the property and may not be legally removable so if the buyers solicitors are any good at all they will require your son to sign a document disclaiming any such beneficial interest, as part of the process before contracts are exchanged.

The 'us' and 'him' vibes are so off here.

Keep up to speed - some recent posters.

The OP doesn't OWN her house.

It's HA and she's looking to exchange.