To ask adult child to go out as we've made plans?

[yourekiddingme]

We have decided to look for a bigger house with a view to maybe trying for another baby, it's early days and we've only just put the house on the market.
We have an adult ds living at home and haven't mentioned anything to him as it's early days and we don't know if it'll happen yet, the move or baby.
Someone is coming to view on Saturday and ds works Saturdays which is why we arranged for Saturday, unfortunately we did have to let this lady down last week as a work issue came up so she's coming this Saturday instead.
Ds has just announced that he's booked this Saturday off throwing a spanner in the works.

I can't mess this woman around again and I particularly don't want to explain our maybe plans to ds at this stage which would be awkward if she comes to view and he's home.
AIBU to tell him we've made plans around him being at work and it's inconvenient that he's now home and ask that if he's not working on Saturday he's not home?
I think I know I'm being unreasonable but I'm just so annoyed.

@yourekiddingme no thoughts on the replies?

Having done a swap myself, after the viewing tomorrow the viewer will come back and say yes or no, so if she says no what would have been the point in telling him if this time tomorrow they don't like it and that's the end of it?

IF the viewer likes it then after viewing theirs which may be totally unsuitable so that's the end of it or perfect in which case then is the time to tell ds.
Maybe in a few days when you know if it's likely to go ahead, jumping the gun and telling him now makes no sense and is far too premature to be involving anyone at this early stage.
For the sake of a week at most to ascertain whether it's even a possibility, I can absolutely see why he hasn't been told, because it seems there's nothing to tell yet.

At what point do you think she should tell him, moving day? – yes, there's literally no in between in this world, ever.....

Why would you not tell your son about looking for a new house. Seems odd to me.

I can't imagine excluding my adult son from such important plans even if uncertain,far less showing people around the house without him knowing.

Thanks for clarifying it's HA - if it's a preliminary viewing and she won't be entering his room then I would say it's ok to put it off for a week. If it's a no drop it into conversation casually that you might do a house exchange if the right swap came up so he should start making plans to move out so you don't leave him in the lurch.

If it's a yes that's a harder conversation.

YADNBU, but I’d not tell your son either until you know for sure if the exchange is likely to go ahead. He’s 23, not 3, perfectly old enough to move out if he doesn’t like it, but OP is looking for a house big enough for him to not have to move out of the family home. Sorry but no way should they have to stay living somewhere they don’t want to just because a grown adult doesn’t want to move, I don’t think he should get any say it in.

You do really need to have a discussion with him. Clear communicating is key

Read the thread. It’s not what is going on at all.

Would any potential house move come with room for him to come as well?

While it's a bit pathetic for an adult man to follow his parents to a new house (and he'll know that), it might sweeten the deal if he knew there was room for him there as well.

Personally though, just tell him. Although you don't have to mention the bit about a maybe-theoretical baby at this point. You would have to tell him at some point. When were you planning to tell him? When the removal men arrived?

For what it's worth, my parents did something very similar with my (also adult) older sister. The relationship was already breaking down for various reasons. And my parents then announced they were moving away, and she wasn't invited to come with them. The relationship did repair itself, and is fine now, but there was 6 months of fairly low contact on both sides while everyone tended to their egos.

YABVU.
He lives there. It's his home. He should be informed of massive changes like this and none of this nonsense about "it might not happen anyway".
It's a ludicrous scenario of trying to get him to go out so that he doesn't find out you are trying to sell your house or do a HA swap or whatever else you are going to change your story to.
Tell him what's going on. Discuss what his plans are.
Ridiculous situation.

How many threads have I seen where an OP has got pregnant but is overcrowded and everyone piles on saying why did op get pregnant? She knew how big her house was before she opened her legs again....
Here someone sensible starts looking to see if they can secure a bigger house before becoming pregnant and she is wrong.
If pregnant at 16 that would make op about 39 not too old to get pregnant at all and is ensuring there's enough space for ALL children before conception.
If the house being considered is as states "bigger with more space because younger child room is a double bedroom" presumably so younger child would have room to share with a baby then at no point is ds being replaced or not considered if they're looking for a bigger house so ds could keep a room too.

Wow. It was our sellers and I got the sense that it was because they were moving out of the area - work related. It very nearly derailed the sale, but once the DD realised that the choice was to be evicted and find her own accommodation, or go along with it, she signed. Why would you be happy that she was making the sale difficult, whatever the reason ? She was an adult and if she didn’t like it, she had the choice of making her own living arrangements.

You need to start your own thread as posters here are responding to the original poster’s issue. If you scroll to the top of the page and look for the blue button on the right labelled ‘start new thread’ and follow that.

It sounds as if the easiest thing for you to do (if you want to keep your plans from DS) would be to rearrange the woman again.

I personally think it’s quite unethical and immoral to not tell someone who is living there and who would have to move, nothing f at all.

he’s an adult who lives there and should be treated as such. I mean I understand not telling him tomorrow. But I think it’s not particularly fair to not involve them as such in the plans whether they want to or not as they then have a choice.

for example if they don’t want to love then they don’t have to but they do need to start putting things into place.

Don’t really care what you’ve googled - in lots of cases advice on the internet bears no relation to what happens in real life. I posted in good faith to advise, based on what happened to us. Below is the section of the TA6 property information form which explains what is expected of other occupiers of the property on sale:

Question 11.5

The seller should state whether or not the property will be vacant on completion (when the purchase money is paid and the property title passes from the seller to the buyer).

All adults living at the property must sign the sale contract to confirm that they will leave the property before completion. If they do not sign they may have a right to continue living at the property after completion.

If occupiers over the age of 17 have not agreed to sign the contract, the seller should provide evidence to the buyer that the property will be vacant at completion. Where this is the case the buyer should seek advice from their solicitor.

This was the section of the TA6 to which our solicitor drew our attention to. He advised that DD had refused to sign and was refusing to move so the seller was now going down the eviction route. Obviously we didn’t get the intimate details but this was the gist of it. DD clearly wasn’t thrilled about being made homeless so agreed to sign in the end, but not before nearly derailing the sale because our buyers were getting nervous due to the delay and were trying to push us. It looks very simple on Google. When it happens in real life, not so much. But thanks for calling me a liar.

The OP is now contemplating lying and using subterfuge to get her DS out of the house rather than "we'll wait a week to see what happens" which, IMO, is odd.

There may be nothing to tell yet, but it is a possibility (which will have a massive effect on his life) so why not tell him that? I'd want to know in his position. Even if he didn't live there, wouldn't it come up in conversation? I think the major query (that posters are trying to wrap their heads around is why not tell him? We have 2 adult DS at home and they know at some point, although probably won't happen for years, we would like to move back to the county we originally came from. It may not happen, it may or may not directly effect them, but we have all spoken about it, because that's what you do with family (in my world).

I agree. I just don’t see the point in not only not telling him, but actually specifically doing things to make sure he doesn’t find out.

I think he needs do know that your de considering moving dfs. He might not get much input to where you're moving to but yeah a heads up would be nice

Surely he's noticed the estate agent sign out side the house??

You are treating your adult son like he’s an outsider and an inconvenience.

If he finds his house on Rightmove he's going to be fuming. I can't believe you wouldn't tell him

So why on earth are you inviting people to look at your home? Incredibly selfish to let them put in an offer and get excited if you don't even want to sell the bloody thing

Why would there be an estate agent sign when the OP is not selling - she’s in HA property and wanting a swap.

He won’t - it’s HA property, not for sale. Op is after a swap.