To ask adult child to go out as we've made plans?

[yourekiddingme]

We have decided to look for a bigger house with a view to maybe trying for another baby, it's early days and we've only just put the house on the market.
We have an adult ds living at home and haven't mentioned anything to him as it's early days and we don't know if it'll happen yet, the move or baby.
Someone is coming to view on Saturday and ds works Saturdays which is why we arranged for Saturday, unfortunately we did have to let this lady down last week as a work issue came up so she's coming this Saturday instead.
Ds has just announced that he's booked this Saturday off throwing a spanner in the works.

I can't mess this woman around again and I particularly don't want to explain our maybe plans to ds at this stage which would be awkward if she comes to view and he's home.
AIBU to tell him we've made plans around him being at work and it's inconvenient that he's now home and ask that if he's not working on Saturday he's not home?
I think I know I'm being unreasonable but I'm just so annoyed.

Crazy. if your still in your fertile years this 'adult' is probably under 25. No?

Selling a house theyre living in with their family without any infomation or discussion because they don't tell you about what ? They're nights out/job/friendship group ?

Your going to have another baby & move away without a word beforehand... seriously, crazy!

Fingers crossed you get it right/one you like on the next go children wise

Do you understand that as the parent you are supposed to lead by example not resort to an incredibly childish well he doesn’t us so I don’t think it’s his business.

ok so you’re looking to swap council houses. Lead by example and have a conversation. And stop with all the us stuff. You are an individual. His parent. Not an extension of your husband.

Strange take. He doesn't tell you if he's planning on seeing a film with friends or taking an extra shift so that's totally the same as selling the house he lives in without even telling him in case he needs to look at other arrangements.

See my post earlier today!
Of course kids should be involved in a move. They obviously don't get the final say but my 17 and 13 year old are more than capable of finding houses they like the look of on Rightmove. I gave them the budget and location and they sent me links to houses they like.
I couldn't imagine them not being involved.

Which part of

we have someone coming to view tomorrow with a view to swapping

is none of your DS's business? If you both like each other's houses you are going to swap. That's not just toying with an idea. Or at least, I hope you are not toying with the other resident.

Time to tell your DS and face the music.

Do you ever ask him? Have proper conversations with him about how he sees his future planning out?

Tell your son about the potential house move and that you want to have another baby. He lives with you and has a right to know - maybe he'll want to move out (most adults don't want to live with a baby that isn't theirs) but at least he'll know to save up for a rental deposit etc.

It's none of his business if you move house? It's his home!

YABU to be annoyed at his shift patterns changing so you can't sell the house without him knowing, yes. It is also unreasonable to expect him to go out so you can sell his home without having to have an awkward conversation with him.

Other people's family dynamics are weird af.

I vote tell him. But make clear it’s not up for debate if the move goes ahead. If he doesn’t want to move then he can live independently. Your house = your rules

He’s an adult, tell him the truth. You can’t just ask him to make himself scarce because he’s got the day off! You talk about him as if he’s an inconvenient lodger and not your son.
Is he an adult as in a 25 year old mature man earning a wage? Or an adult as in a 19 year old student still partially dependent on you? Because I suppose that, and whether he would be coming with you if you move or finding his own place, would affect how you approach wanting to move.

If course you should tell him if you are thinking of moving. It is his home. He is your son.

As for telling him he can’t be in his own home on Saturday because it isn’t convenient? Just no.

Great way to make him feel pushed out OP.

Tell him for goodness sake. Frame it as just testing the water if you like. It will make him far less anxious in the long run.

Keeping something like this quiet is quite an unsettling thing to do to a teenage or adult child. While you're at it, try to talk about his long term plans too. A bit more openness will make change feel a lot less traumatic or disturbing. It is his business too if he shares your home. You could really damage the relationship if you continue to be underhand and secretive.

I don’t understand your reason for not reason for not telling Him. You might not move, but you might move…so surely if moving is a possibility it is sensible to put it on the table as soon as possible so he can consider his options, prepare? Telling after the house is sold would surely be upsetting for him?

I was just frustrated because ds is suddenly going to be home and I know he doesn't want to move and I don't want him to think we are planning on moving which might make him uneasy and then this doesn't happen because we will happily stay here and forget all about it.

But you are planning on moving (potentially). What a stupid thing to say. You need to tell your son what's going on. I can't work out if you're a bit thick, or if you don't like your DS very much. Possibly a bit of both by the sounds of it.

Just a thought, are you hoping to move from a 3 bed to a 4 bed ?
have you asked / got permission from your Social Housing provider for this ?

as you may not be ' allowed ' to occupy a property that is larger than your needs as your adult son may not count in your current needs

or you may be informed that your adult son can indeed have his own room but if you have a new baby s/he will share with your youngest child until one of them reaches the age of 10 - if they are of a different sex.

OP, are you usually this selfish? Life can’t always be arranged just to make things easy for you. My parents did exactly what you’re proposing (without the late baby, thank god) and it took me years to get over it. Have some respect for your adult son eh?

He lives with you so it's his HOME. It may not belong to him, in the sense of ownership, but it's the only home he has (presumably). How you think it's ok to consider selling it without telling him is beyond me. He's almost an adult, your planning might be about right if he was 5, but he's not. Start treating your kid appropriately.

YABVU. Just tell him. No need for cloak and dagger.

He’s 23, he is an adult

This comes across as rather selfish and tit for tat, he doesn't tell us his plans? He's 23 not a young teen. It's his home too so, yes, he needs to be told a potential move is being considered.

You say he doesn't share his plans OP, but he's shared his planned day off, rather than springing it on you. You can't really say "go out, we've made plans". The natural response would be to ask what they are. Or, he'll assume you're planning on shagging all day, and definitely stay in.

Its not his choice to make.

Its your house. He either decides to stick by your choices or make his own different decisions.

He's an adult. He can move out.

The end. There is no issue here apart from infantilising an adult.

I understand not wanting to upset DS while you test the water and consider your options. I'm not sure why everyone's piling in on you as you've made it clear you will be discussing it once there is something to discuss, both potential house move and possibility of a new baby half-sibling.

Do other posters calling OP selfish never want to think things through before putting it out in public?

So have a baby so that baby can continue to contribute taxes to HMRC and you can have a good old age and get a state pension?

Nice!

Records are being broken around the world in terms of heating https://twitter.com/extremetemps?ref_src=twsrc%5Egoogle%7Ctwcamp%5Eserp%7Ctwgr%5Eauthor

Elon Musk trots out this line every so often because he wants the status quo to continue and to sell more Teslas!

Don't be hoodwinked by a billionaire who has absolutely zero interest in helping you. He's in it for himself but like the rest of them.

Well, yes, the OP says her DS never shares plans but he’s told her his work schedule!… That’s more than I used to tell my parents when I was in my 20s and living at home…. And they would definitely have told me if they were planning on moving!