Sick of MIL

[Pleasehelpimexhausted]

4 years ago, when our oldest was a baby, we moved an hour away to be closer to MIL. One of the big pulls was that she said she wanted to spend more time with her grandchildren, felt jealous her friends had theirs just down the road and would be very happy to help us out with DD one or two days a week so we could keep childcare costs down.

So we moved and… crickets. She took DD for about an afternoon a week initially, then just stopped replying to texts when we messaged to ask about DD going over.

Since then (2 years later) a pattern has developed which is really pissing me off. I (against my better judgement) have continued to invite them for Sunday dinner every few weeks, which they always seem to be available and well for. They’re also always well and available on special days such as birthdays and Christmases, and make sure they ‘get their photos’ with the kids then. They’ll also randomly drop in, with no notice, every few weeks and grumble if we’re busy WFH (they still don’t seem to understand it doesn’t mean dossing about) or if we are about to go out somewhere. If I let them in they wind the kids up for an hour then leave after a cup of tea.

But whenever I message asking if they can watch one of the kids (we also now have a 1 year old) they either don’t reply at all or say they have a cold.

To pre empt the inevitable questions, no I don’t ask much maybe once every few weeks or so at most, I’ve gone a couple of months at a time not asking. They live a 7 minute drive away. They’re both retired and in good health - still doing sports, nights out, cruises etc. They ask for favours with DIY and lifts which DP usually does. When I ask if they can watch one of the kids it’s ALWAYS because I have something I need to do, I’ve never asked them to watch both kids at once, and by watching I mean literally sitting in the lounge playing with them for 1/2 hours after I’ve fed/changed them.

WIBU to just detach from them at this point and stop messaging, stop the Sunday lunch invitations and basically just go very very LC? We’ve had a really hard few weeks, and as usual my message asking if they could have DS for a couple of hours yesterday went ignored. However they’ve asked for an airport lift next week.

yeah, i’d be annoyed.

not sure what else to say other than asking ur DH to have a word? at the moment it seems like a one way street.

I certainly wouldn’t be as quick to reply to their messages, if they can’t reply to yours.

Does your DH not ask them? I don't ask my MIL even though I get on amazingly with her, my DH would ask her. And every few weeks seems a lot?

But yeah I'd go LC here as they are picking and choosing the good parts and not making themselves available to help at all, when wanting favours back from you. So yeah, absolutely no inviting for meals if it was me.

I would have been done a long time ago. If they can't be bothered with you, don't bother with them.

Personally moving for other people's benefit was nuts...
Back away and no lift....

They obviously had a different idea of spending time with the kids than you did. There is spending time and then there is providing childcare. Not quite the same thing. I guess your MIL found it harder than she imagined since the weekly arrangement petered off.

I'd not go no/low contact over this, but I'd not be so quick to do them so many favours if you get none in return.

I've voted YABU as the lack of provision of childcare isn't a reason to not facilitate a relationship with your kids GPs. How old are they?

I’ve learned my lesson! Our oldest is settled into school now so moving back isn’t something we can do easily.

I'd just have a talk with them and explain that as a family you want to support each other and help each other out, but at the moment it feels very one-sided. Explain you moved specifically for MIL, that you need a bit more help, and reference the help you've given to her.

If nothing changes, it's up to you whether you start withdrawing from Sunday lunches and other ad hoc help, but I don't think it's fair to expect e.g. lifts, DIY help with nothing in return. I'm not saying you need to keep a tally and go tit for tat, but it's fairly obvious when one person isn't really acting in the spirit of fairness.

Move back?

They didn’t though because we had a clear understanding that part of the reason we were moving was because she offered 1 day a week (tried to offer more actually but we said let’s see how you find it), and said she wanted to do this. We didn’t ask, it she offered, saying she was sad she didn’t see more of her grandchild.

This is it exactly. I’m not tit for tat, there will always be times one needs a little more help than the other, but we get absolutely nothing. We’re going through a really difficult time at the moment and they couldn’t be less interested. She’s been dropping hints about us caring for them in old age and I actually think that may have been the reason to entice us here all along (sorry that didn’t seem relevant in the OP and don’t want to drip feed)

So odd that they just ignore messages instead of replying to say no. I'd find that really awkward.

I'm going to go LC with my inlaws because they won't babysit for me, lovely

If you moved back to where you were originally, would that improve your childcare situation? If so, would outlining this to MIL help? "We moved because you said you could help us, but that arrangement isn't working for either of us now, so we need to consider our options. Is there a way we can make it work if we stay here?" for example.

Have you read my post? The part about them
promising to have DD 1 day a week if we moved closer to them? I suspect if you moved in part because somebody promised something then rescinded it you would be very upset too. All very well being detached and objective on here.

It wouldn’t because we would be in the same position as we are here. That’s why we moved basically (as well as houses here being slightly cheaper although not much!)

Honestly I'm not someone who believes that grandparents should be on hand to babysit, mind kids at drop of hat. But this relationship seems to be all one way traffic. They only contact ye when they want something or to accept dinner. I'd still do thr occasional dinner invite but less often for your husbands sake but every time she dropped a hint about old age , I'd be dropping equal hits that it won't be happening .

My in laws are similar and I get your frustration. Although in our case we didn’t move but get a lot of sly digs about us living sooo far away (about 45 minutes!). We live near my parents as they are very proactive in helping with the kids and are happy to do it. In laws couldn’t be less interested in helping, we get maybe one evening of babysitting a year and that feels like they don’t really want to do it. But lots of comments about us looking after them in old age….

I’ve backed off on making much effort with them and no I won’t be going out of my way to care for them in old age because they never go out of their way to help us now. I don’t expect regular childcare, just a willingness to help out a bit in the holidays or actually wanting to spend some time with their grandchildren, offer to babysit a few times a year so we can have an evening out, that’s all.

My mum is a bit like this. I think she thinks the greater ill is saying anything remotely disagreeable or confrontational, so would prefer to be really rude and yes it is rather awkward.

People have a right to change their minds. Maybe they had them and realised it was too much for them to handle? Grandparents aren't automatically free babysitters

She probably found it hard work or decided that she didn't want to commit anymore, for whatever reason. Weekly childcare is a big ask for anyone, and I guess now you have seen how she found it. It is a great pity you can't call on them in an emergency though. Still I don't think it's good enough reason to cut them out.

I invite family over and I don't get much in return, apart from the pleasure of their company and a relationship between them and my kids, which I find really important.

How does DH feel about it all?

I think you've 2 options. 1) you accept the situation & review your input/support of them. On the very next occasion care in their later years is mentioned, be clear you won't be taking that on.
2) chat to her & let her know you feel let down. Sometimes there's glaringly obvious reasons that have been missed. Say you welcome them popping in but if you're heading out, they need to accept it. If DC are getting wound up, then tell them all to calm things down.

You have a say in everything that's going on 😊

I doubt it, DD is NT, easy and the kind of kid who just wants to sit and colour. MIL hikes 1 day a week and FIL still does his sports so if sitting on a sofa with a cup of tea and occasionally saying ‘yes, very good, brilliant octopus’ is too much to handle I would be surprised.

When did I say they were automatically free babysitters out of interest?

A child doesn't have to be neurodivergent for someone to find them hard work to care for. You said you moved so she could have them once a week to save on childcare... So free babysitting

No, I moved because she asked us. Saying she was sad that she didn’t see enough of her granddaughter and was jealous of friends who saw and looked after theirs regularly. Big difference. You’re trying to spin a narrative that doesn’t exist.