Sick of MIL

[Pleasehelpimexhausted]

4 years ago, when our oldest was a baby, we moved an hour away to be closer to MIL. One of the big pulls was that she said she wanted to spend more time with her grandchildren, felt jealous her friends had theirs just down the road and would be very happy to help us out with DD one or two days a week so we could keep childcare costs down.

So we moved and… crickets. She took DD for about an afternoon a week initially, then just stopped replying to texts when we messaged to ask about DD going over.

Since then (2 years later) a pattern has developed which is really pissing me off. I (against my better judgement) have continued to invite them for Sunday dinner every few weeks, which they always seem to be available and well for. They’re also always well and available on special days such as birthdays and Christmases, and make sure they ‘get their photos’ with the kids then. They’ll also randomly drop in, with no notice, every few weeks and grumble if we’re busy WFH (they still don’t seem to understand it doesn’t mean dossing about) or if we are about to go out somewhere. If I let them in they wind the kids up for an hour then leave after a cup of tea.

But whenever I message asking if they can watch one of the kids (we also now have a 1 year old) they either don’t reply at all or say they have a cold.

To pre empt the inevitable questions, no I don’t ask much maybe once every few weeks or so at most, I’ve gone a couple of months at a time not asking. They live a 7 minute drive away. They’re both retired and in good health - still doing sports, nights out, cruises etc. They ask for favours with DIY and lifts which DP usually does. When I ask if they can watch one of the kids it’s ALWAYS because I have something I need to do, I’ve never asked them to watch both kids at once, and by watching I mean literally sitting in the lounge playing with them for 1/2 hours after I’ve fed/changed them.

WIBU to just detach from them at this point and stop messaging, stop the Sunday lunch invitations and basically just go very very LC? We’ve had a really hard few weeks, and as usual my message asking if they could have DS for a couple of hours yesterday went ignored. However they’ve asked for an airport lift next week.

Seems clear that your in-laws like the idea of childcare more than the reality. Also of many more photo opportunity to share with to their friends with you being closer. Definitely seems that you both do more for them, which is fine if they were incapable which they clearly aren't. I would back off and reduce the Sunday lunches, maybe don't respond immediately to messages. It's a two way street, especially as you have gone to do much effort to be closer.

This is true!

What an unhelpful comment

Did you read the OPs posts?

The gp’s actively wanted to help and promised to do this, but now are so rude they don’t even reply to texts. @Pleasehelpimexhausted wouldn’t have moved otherwise. How about op and her dh not being free cooks / hosts / taxi drivers etc for two very fit and able people who don’t work?

Right and maybe they don't have the energy to run around after young kids. Ignoring the "they're NY so easy to look after" comment being horrendously insulting, it's also insane to move for free childcare. Things change, people change their minds. Ignoring messages is rude but cutting off family because they won't look after the kids you chose to have is pretty disgusting

I would be withdrawing and when they want to come over at the drop of a hat, don't answer, pretend to not be in. Cut back the invites and get your DH to deal with it all.

@Pleasehelpimexhausted , to be clear I didn’t say and don’t think you are to blame for your expectation of free childcare which as you say was offered.
I hope you do talk candidly to your P’s IL, during that conversation you could perhaps touch on their expectations for their old age in terms of any commitment they might expect from you and be very clear at what level if any you would undertake their care.

Stop the Sunday lunches and be less available to them when they want something. Let your DH pander to them if he wants to. If MIL or FIL makes any further hint about you providing care for them then shut it down straight away. Be clear with your DH that you will not be running around after them or providing care, so he's not to offer your services, ever.

OP that situation is not great, especially as you partly moved due to what grandparents had offered re childcare
Fair enough if they can no longer commit to regular childminding, however, on the face of it it seemsv selfish of them that they appear not able to help out at all. ......but happy to attend Sunday lunch.....expect lift to airport etc

I think, as another poster suggested, your husband needs to have a chat with his parents telling them it's seems a bit one sided .....and ask if there.is anything you guys irthe kids have done to upset them???

Hopefully they might open up

OP said her mother goes hiking one day a week and has a lot of hobbies. It doesn't sound like there's a lack of energy or capability, just that MIL, after knowing that they moved partly due to an offer of childcare, then found that she couldn't be bothered.

Cutting off/reducing contact with family because they can't be bothered with you is perfectly reasonable. It has to be a 2-way street.

All of this, with bells on!
🔔

There's ancient threads on here back when it was just fields with me inexplicably unable to find childcare just to get my haircut.
I'm 50 now, my kids are 19 & 17 the GPs are in their 80s and honestly I can't be arsed with any of them.
We have endless dreadful photos of us entertaining here, trips to National Trust houses. There was a lot of pandering to early retirement diets triggered by the Times.
They all cruised the world or went on bespoke, itinerary tours because they had too much money to merely be a tourist.
What I absolutely don't remember is anyone saying, take a moment or would this make life easier. So I cut down the contact, let DH deal with his side, which he couldn't be arsed with.
Mine have their cruise family who they show the odd, often aged grand child photo too.
Both sides look down on other grand parents who do regular childcare, seems to be a thing in their circles.
I adore my friend's parents who were a big part of our daily life, at the school gate, lifts to classes. I can absolutely imagine driving them to a hospital appointment while mine get a taxi.

Obviously no one is obliged to take on anything ever but it did lay the foundation for my relationship and I'm only sorry I wasted so much time on hospitality for them.

I do think you need to keep an eye on the long game here, OP - what does this look like in 10 years when MIL might not be as able to get around and your kids are teens who need shipping all over the place?

I'm going to disagree with many posters and say I don't think it was mad for OP to move close to GPs. My parents moved close to my GPs when I was little and having more invested adults in my life was amazing. I've done the same for my children. When it works it's wonderful so I think it was a really positive idea but a shame she is being let down, it takes both sides.

I wouldn't let this fester, nor do the childish tit for tat of not answering as it will just mean both sides get more entrenched in their own narratives. The key player is your DP, he should be handling this sensitive conversation.

From what you've said it's not actually about them committing or not to regular childcare but the childish ignoring you, lack of reciprocity and respect. Get DP to take that angle.

'There are many reasons why we choose to move and one of them was to be close to you as we value family and know that you can bring so much to our children. It's also great that we can be available to help you out with things like x,y,z. It makes things much easier and we are glad we are close enough to be able to support.

However, recently we have asked for some babysitting (give firm dates/examples). You don't owe us childcare, we were happy to put DD in nursery am extra day a week but you seem to be refusing to even engage with the requests. If you had plans or were under the weather it's no problem but you simply don't respond. Could you talk to me a bit about that? Are you nervous to say no? Is it the pressure or commitment? We just feel communication has stumbled and we want to do what we can to fix it.'

She may also avoid this, 'that's not true, i love seeing them'. 'Thats good to know that you still want to babysit if you're free, are texts not suitable, how should we communicate?'

Or she may be honest and say she wants to do fun days out but doesn't want to be childcare then at least you know where you stand and aren't stewing.

Its hard, all the best!

I do hope that when I visit my grandkids and take a picture of them that my DIL thinks I am using them as a photo opportunity.

Other than that I agree although disappointing the one day a week didn't materialise the ad hoc hours or so evert now and then and ignoring messaged is what is 100 times worse in that why wouldn't a normal person want to help out for such uncommon occurrences if they could.

Don't reply to the airport message or send a link to a cab firm. Stop or cut down Sunday lunch invites and see if they notice/comment.

If care conversations ever come up simply laugh and say as if!

These people ignore your calls and texts and only invite you to their home once a year. Take the hint, believe them- they’re not interested. Stop serving them weekly meals and doing them favours.
Its your husbands role to contact them and facilitate their relationship with your kids. Does he host and contact your parents? If not, consider why you’re scrabbling to beg for scraps of attention from his parents.

I wouldn’t move, why would you spend all that money if you are otherwise happy and settled? Just because you are in close proximity to in laws doesn’t mean you have to take on any caring duties they may require in the future! When I worked in nursing homes I saw many residents with families who lived very close but weren’t involved. In my book you reap what you sow and I’d be cultivating a long distance mindset. Texts requesting favours? To be routinely ignored. If followed up by phone calls, to be declined. Lunch invitations for special occasions only, probably Easter and Christmas. PIL birthday? They get a card and an interflora bouquet, no cakes made or meals provided. Hospital admission? A get well card, no slaving over a hot stove. This relationship is currently ridiculously one sided and this obviously suits them but not you. Stop doing all the running! Civil but distant and they’ll either come round and miss the grandkids or they won’t. I cannot see how the grandchildren would miss anything with new arrangements as they currently have a very distant and transactional relationship.

I’m with you OP. I’d be very aggrieved with your in-laws. I’m a granny, I have eight grandchildren all but two live near, I have them at the drop of a hat if needed. The two that live further away, I will travel down to look after them or their parents will bring them up to me. I do every I can to help my children out with childcare.

Your in-laws are users. 😡

Totally understand where your coming from. Stop inviting them and be less available when they need something. Would definately go LC. Be interesting to see if they notice and make any comments.

OP move away, whatever it takes and while the children are young enough to settle again.

I'm afraid you're very right with your feelings that the childcare and seeing the DGCs was a cover story for come and do everything for us and look after us when we're older. They won't do half an hour a month or two but will expect you to be at their beck and call 24/7.

I don't claim any psychic abilities but I could see where they were going with this half way through your first post.

Back right off. Let your DP answer requests for help.

Drop the Sunday meals to monthly then 6 weekly then 2 monthly then special occasions.

When she makes snide remarks about people not helping elderly relatives, make your own snide remark back a out reaping what you sow and maybe those elderly people did little to help their relatives when they could have.

Just stop running after them and trying to force a relationship and let your MIL and FiL do the running for a bit.

I don't think the one day a week is the problem here. It's that with them family favours only go one way and that makes you feel like you are been taken for a ride.

We made a conscious decision to not have grandparents for regular child care but we have called on grandparents for the odd day. My in laws extended a weekend visit to cover me working my non working day in November and my mum came over for 2 2-3h periods a couple of weeks ago when my daughter had 4 days off nursery with a bug and I had a couple of meetings to attend.

In return I help my mum out a lot. When she was barely able to stand with a broken back I clean her house and did the ironing so my mum didn't have to teach my dad how the iron worked. We help out both sets of grandparents when needed and the extended family. It's that back and forth of leaning on another person knowing you can be leaned on back.

I think you are within your right to stop going out of your way to help them but if you do do this you have to stop asking for help from them. You have set the relationship based on what is promised and now you need to reset based on the reality.

It sounds like the relationship is one-sided with PIL expecting help when they need it but not being prepared to help out when you need it. Can DH have a chat with them and point this out gently? He could remind his mum that she wanted you nearer so she could look after her grandchildren and that it would be really helpful to you both while you are juggling work and small children. If that doesn't help I'd resign yourself to them not helping out much and I'd be less willing to put myself out for them!

Yes - although I would not want to
move my DC from school I would actually consider it in your situation.

At the very least I’d drop hints about it … it would be fascinating to see her reaction.

YANBU