Sick of MIL

[Pleasehelpimexhausted]

4 years ago, when our oldest was a baby, we moved an hour away to be closer to MIL. One of the big pulls was that she said she wanted to spend more time with her grandchildren, felt jealous her friends had theirs just down the road and would be very happy to help us out with DD one or two days a week so we could keep childcare costs down.

So we moved and… crickets. She took DD for about an afternoon a week initially, then just stopped replying to texts when we messaged to ask about DD going over.

Since then (2 years later) a pattern has developed which is really pissing me off. I (against my better judgement) have continued to invite them for Sunday dinner every few weeks, which they always seem to be available and well for. They’re also always well and available on special days such as birthdays and Christmases, and make sure they ‘get their photos’ with the kids then. They’ll also randomly drop in, with no notice, every few weeks and grumble if we’re busy WFH (they still don’t seem to understand it doesn’t mean dossing about) or if we are about to go out somewhere. If I let them in they wind the kids up for an hour then leave after a cup of tea.

But whenever I message asking if they can watch one of the kids (we also now have a 1 year old) they either don’t reply at all or say they have a cold.

To pre empt the inevitable questions, no I don’t ask much maybe once every few weeks or so at most, I’ve gone a couple of months at a time not asking. They live a 7 minute drive away. They’re both retired and in good health - still doing sports, nights out, cruises etc. They ask for favours with DIY and lifts which DP usually does. When I ask if they can watch one of the kids it’s ALWAYS because I have something I need to do, I’ve never asked them to watch both kids at once, and by watching I mean literally sitting in the lounge playing with them for 1/2 hours after I’ve fed/changed them.

WIBU to just detach from them at this point and stop messaging, stop the Sunday lunch invitations and basically just go very very LC? We’ve had a really hard few weeks, and as usual my message asking if they could have DS for a couple of hours yesterday went ignored. However they’ve asked for an airport lift next week.

@LookItsMeAgain I was agreeing with PinkIceCream that it might be best to clear the air by talking.

They ignore your messages, you ignore theirs, easy. It can't always be on their terms only.

If DH wants to give them a lift to the airport, he can crack on if it suits. I'd put a stop to the Sunday lunches pronto.

Gosh, sounds so much easier than our 4 year old grandchild wants to play vets/doctors/zoos! Constantly! But we'll miss our day a week with them when they start school

Caveat emptor applies here.

My ILs talk a big game about helping with our son for childcare, but we know that really they would only want to do things on their own terms. (This is already evident whilst he's a baby - they say they want to fit in with us, but then when we say what works, they have other plans or don't want to meet so "early" - aka 11am!) Which is fine, but it doesn't suit us.

We'd much rather stick to paid childcare and a social grandparent relationship than be trapped in a cycle of resentment.

OP, why is this all on MIL? Why does FIL get a free pass?

It was an extraordinarily clear from the OP that the MIL had offered to provide childcare. So why do some posters deliberately pretend they haven’t seen that so they can lay into the OP for ‘expecting’ an ‘elderly’ woman to provide childcare. It’s so irritating.

Because he never offered. Which is fair enough.

Maybe you should wait till they make a request for help and counter with your own? Or ask for help and offer Sunday lunch as thanks? Not quite tit for tat but reinforce that all one way is not acceptable.

The flip side of this is I'm totally jealous of the amount of time your DCs grandparents spend with their DGC!

My own Dad (no Mum) lives minutes away from his grandchildren but barely sees them or speaks to them.

He's ill now but even when fit and healthy he made little or no effort.

Can you look at this positively about the good things for your DC while making some boundaries and also making sure the no care in future message is heard?

Sounds like a very good idea:
“Oh you want X?
I’m totally tied up at the moment but if you could help with Y that would free up some time and I could do X for you”

What does dh say to this?

Question: when you do ask for the occasional childcare, how much in advance do you ask?
To take it to extremes: if you ask just a few hours beforehand, they might indeed not be checking their phones.

If you ask weeks in advance and they respond to other things but not this, thats a whole different story.

And then there’s several intermediate shades in between.

Kindly OP, I think you need to stop explaining yourself on this thread. It's clear that you were misled into a move with false promises and you've every right to be angry.

But I can guarantee you that up until this thread hits page 40, you're going to be plagued by arseholes throwing stones at you about "feeling entitled" who have either not read your posts, or have read it and are just miserable. Don't waste any more of your time repeating the same answers.

In the meantime, just ignore the airport text. Bonus points if you come up with an excuse linked to yesterday - e.g. The airport run clashes with the now rearranged appointment that you couldn't make yesterday.

By way of contrast, my grandmother was pushing 100 when she died. Right up to the end, she'd want to contribute what she was able to the family - she obviously got too old to do childcare but would knit cardies, save coupons for little toys, bake cakes for family gatherings etc.

Not because anyone demanded it but because the principle of giving as well as getting is important. In return, she got a stream of calls, visits, letters etc from grown up GC who she'd bothered to build a proper relationship with. And to see great GC as well.

Just ignore the message asking for an airport lift, as she ignores your messages asking for help.

How bloody annoying. I would be pissed off too. You took them at their word and they haven't followed through.
Although I presuming you did your homework that it would make sense financially to move nearer dPil everything else being equal.
Don't cut off your nose etc. Your kids will learn how to treat their own elderly parents from how you treat yours...
I would cut down the free sunday dinner invites and call them out on the lack of help forthcoming from them.
DPIL
I am confused why our infrequent requests for your help are not responded to in a timely manner.
You seem competent enough in technology when we invite you over for dinner or you need a favour, but you are very slow to respond or ignore us completely when we need you to do something for us...
This doesn't seem well balanced especially as you initially enthusiastically offered to help out with the children etc and that was a big factor in our decision to move here.
I thought it best to air this in the open because it's been on my mind and thought you should give your side of the situation...
Good luck.
If nothing changes then
definitely cut down the invites and don't rush round to help so quickly.
Obviously you have less spare time to help them as you are so busy sorting out arrangements in your own life and have no reliable backup...

Yes, time to step back. This is a very one sided relationship. When your PILs want to see your family for their own entertainment or help they’re keen to come over, but as soon as you’d like a bit of help they have another cold.
We did something similar, moved a long way mainly to be near DH’s family. It meant we could go to see his parents more often, and I hoped they’d occasionally look after our kids as they had done with their other grandchildren. They didn’t, not one single time. I found that disappointing.
If you do nothing else, don’t let them in when they turn up without notice while you’re WFH. That would be a clear boundary for me. You’re at work, just the same as when you’re in the office.

I’d be ignoring the request for a lift to the airport tbh.

Invite them over for tea

let em in, take their coats, hand them a tray and tell them you’ll be back in a couple of hours

🤣

Step back, stop inviting them for Sunday lunch and even if it has been arranged to do the airport run I would cancel it. Surely you are both just too busy with your family. It is a one way street with them taking and taking. I don't believe for one minute they were going to babysit your child every week, I think they wanted you close to do exactly what they ask of you now, favours.

Go low contact, honestly it is better not to be in touch with people who just let you down all the time. Any visits, you have a cold, DIY needed, you have a cold. Use it back.

Your Mil is in the wrong, but I wouldn’t play mind games, who has the energy, I would just have a chat.

”You asked us to move here, kindly promised support, but it hasn’t happened, can I ask why?” See what they say, be direct, we’ll actually I would get your husband to do it…

I would still help them out, but only if it isn’t a massive PITA. So, sure I will pick up some shopping for you, no I won’t drive 2 hours to take you to the airport, sorry I don’t have the time.

Lower your expectations of them, but show them they need to lower theirs too. Just make them less of a priority, be their if it’s urgent, but otherwise no. You work and have young children.

Yanbu.

Beyond cheeky to routinley say no to help then ask for a lift to airport!!

I would dial back the lunches/invites to what suits you and nothing more.

I like the bonus points.

Also, when you invite them for Sunday lunch, you can just set the table, serve the food and leave them to it and run off 😂.

Nobody said its Sunday lunch with you.

I agree it’s important that the kids have a relationship with GP.

I’m not sure if I could pull this off but it would definitely be funny to randomise whether or not you are going to be there for said lunch.

I’d just make it more clear how to budget with your time.

I don’t have any time left this week to squeeze in driving you to the airport but if you could take the kids for two hours (some day before the airport) then I could do my stuff and drop you off at the airport later this week.

LC sounds a bit extreme but I'd certainly stop making so much of an effort. Sunday lunches and asking them for help with the dc would stop. When they pop in, if it's convenient I'd stop for a quick cuppa, but I'd not put myself out. The same for Xmas and special days, if it's convenient for you then yes, if not I'd simply say it's not convenient and ask them to reschedule