Sick of MIL

[Pleasehelpimexhausted]

4 years ago, when our oldest was a baby, we moved an hour away to be closer to MIL. One of the big pulls was that she said she wanted to spend more time with her grandchildren, felt jealous her friends had theirs just down the road and would be very happy to help us out with DD one or two days a week so we could keep childcare costs down.

So we moved and… crickets. She took DD for about an afternoon a week initially, then just stopped replying to texts when we messaged to ask about DD going over.

Since then (2 years later) a pattern has developed which is really pissing me off. I (against my better judgement) have continued to invite them for Sunday dinner every few weeks, which they always seem to be available and well for. They’re also always well and available on special days such as birthdays and Christmases, and make sure they ‘get their photos’ with the kids then. They’ll also randomly drop in, with no notice, every few weeks and grumble if we’re busy WFH (they still don’t seem to understand it doesn’t mean dossing about) or if we are about to go out somewhere. If I let them in they wind the kids up for an hour then leave after a cup of tea.

But whenever I message asking if they can watch one of the kids (we also now have a 1 year old) they either don’t reply at all or say they have a cold.

To pre empt the inevitable questions, no I don’t ask much maybe once every few weeks or so at most, I’ve gone a couple of months at a time not asking. They live a 7 minute drive away. They’re both retired and in good health - still doing sports, nights out, cruises etc. They ask for favours with DIY and lifts which DP usually does. When I ask if they can watch one of the kids it’s ALWAYS because I have something I need to do, I’ve never asked them to watch both kids at once, and by watching I mean literally sitting in the lounge playing with them for 1/2 hours after I’ve fed/changed them.

WIBU to just detach from them at this point and stop messaging, stop the Sunday lunch invitations and basically just go very very LC? We’ve had a really hard few weeks, and as usual my message asking if they could have DS for a couple of hours yesterday went ignored. However they’ve asked for an airport lift next week.

OP I don’t blame you for moaning. Can DH have a conversation about the lack of help?

I’d drop hints about moving back as well

Next time she talks about the selfishness of children who don't become carers, you can tell her

"it's usually children who have received support with their own childcare from GPs who become carers. But I don't have to worry about being a carer because you've had no support with childcare tinkly laugh"

You may not see it now OP, but it is a blessing, because had they given you support, you would have felt guilty when they needed potentially one or two decades of care and support. As it is, they can self-fund it as you self-funded the childcare they offered you (but didn't follow through with) and you get off guilt-free (because it does tend to be the women who feel guilty about it 🤷‍♀️).

yanbu…disengage and also make it very clear that there will be no care forthcoming in the future. Do not be available for them to drop in

Given some pointed remarks she’s made lately about how ‘people are too lazy to care for their old folk and that’s why the hospitals are full’, I suspect the latter.

What you think: Well you've never changed one of my DC's nappies, what makes you think I'll change yours?

What you say: "O I would do anything for my Mum and Dad if anything were to happen to them."

"Do you think they're lazy? Or are people just busy working and bringing up their children?"

"Yes it's so sad how traditional family support networks have crumbled."

You need to be having a serious conversation with DH. You haven't really mentioned him and his response to any of this very much at all. And I would be dropping hints about moving just to be spiteful, even if you have no intention of doing so.

I've been mulling your thread over in my head all morning @Pleasehelpimexhausted . I too now think that she (and to a lesser degree your FiL) has managed to play on your heart strings so that you would move down to live closer to her to be able to care for them in their dotage. Not sure when that would be but the longer you stay there the closer it becomes.

I would recommend having a conversation with your DH about the situation. Say that you're starting to resent his mother and how you remember the conversations going before your move and how things are now.
Yes it is possible for someone to change their mind but it shouldn't come at the financial expense of you having to buy a home somewhere and staying there. You are equally allowed to change your mind about the move to be closer to them.

@Type2whattodo has outlined simple steps that you could do. You mentioned that when you phone the calls go unanswered. Have you tried shielding your number so that it doesn't display on their phone to see if they answer it then? You'll know if they answer it that they don't want to speak with you. That should be an easy thing to check.

I'd also get property brochures from areas that you would like to move to and start leaving them around the place. I wouldn't hid how disappointed you are in how things have transpired nor would I hide that you're even considering moving.

Your eldest must be 5 going on 6 or thereabouts. They will settle a lot quicker than you would imagine. Plenty of people move even during a school year and their kids adapt and make new friends. Moving now will actually be much easier than if you wait until your eldest is in secondary school or later.

Start by having that conversation with your DH though. You both need to be singing from the same hymn sheet when it comes to this.

This is so true. My parents have gone absolutely over and above with our DC and always been there for us. It's really made me think that they need to be my absolute priority when the time comes. They really do deserve the best.

She sounds like a piss taker. What she actually meant when she asked you to move closer was “you’ll be closer to us to do us favours and look after us for nothing as we get old”. She is your typical entitled grandma, wants to do the fun bits on their own terms but not actually help out. Just stop inviting them and refuse the ask for free taxis and favours- “really sorry, we’ve all got colds!”

Also, what happens if you say over the Sunday lunch, in front of DH: "You never replied to my text asking you to watch DC for a couple of hours?"

Would be interesting to see how they respond in front of him.

Stop running round after them for gods sake and certainly stop having them over for Sunday lunch. They got you closer to them to be at their beck and call.

I should advise that the airport lift request must have disappeared into the ether the same way as all your messages to them seem to disappear.

Omg, the hints about wanting care in old age.

How old are they at the moment? If this is 20ish years away I'd be tempted to say "haha, oh I don't think we'll have time for that unfortunately! I imagine we'll be spending our free time looking after our grandkids at that point!"

Imagine if it was the other way around, so the OP had offered to care for an elderly relative if they moved closer. I think it would be outrageous that once the elderly relative had moved that she then backed out of the commitment. So I think MIL behaviour is really unacceptable, and I kind of think she knows that too, and that's why she's not answering your messages.

From a MIL perspective…

It’s all well and good moaning on here (especially if it helps), but do you ever actually sit and have an honest talk with them about how you feel about the whole situation? I read a lot of MIL threads on here which I suspect could be solved if people actually talked to each other properly, instead of making assumptions based on their own take on life.

I have 2 DIL’s who have very different personalities, so I tend not to assume I know what they want from me. However, I don’t expect communication to come solely from the lads. They’re just as unlikely to know what DILs want sometimes when we’re trying to arrange things. 😂

Re: the text messages. Have you asked them why they don’t reply straightaway? My DH is not keen on technology so rarely bothers replying to people and never answers the landline phone. I usually reply pretty instantly assuming I’ve seen it.

Would MIL prefer telephone chats? I still have 1 hr weekly phone chats with my sister and SIL. It’s probably a generation thing as I don’t think either DIL has ever phoned for a chat although I don’t know if they ring their own mums regularly. The lads are not ones for phone chats but will do the occasional FaceTime. 🤔

Must admit the Sunday dinners at yours sound fabulous and I’m very envious. Is MIL a crap cook and too embarrassed to reciprocate? I do think they’re taking the piss a bit there unless they take you out for lunch occasionally.

I don’t blame you for wanting to reduce contact with them on your terms but I think you should at least try to talk to them both about why it’s come to a head. They could well be completely oblivious that you’re feeling so frustrated with them.

it's not too late to move again if you want. Children can handle that.

But. In your shoes I'd stop inviting them for anything other than birthdays and then see what they say. tell them you're busy or have other plans. The airport lift: do it if you want. Actually get DH to do it if he wants and you can decide in future how much you want to help them or not.

If they address your reduced contact just say you're doing what works best for your family life and what do they suggest? You'll see if you can fit it in.

MOVE BEFORE THEY NEED CARE. Fuck them. They sound like selfish cunts, your DH is too much of a coward to have an honest conversation with his own mum and dad, and you WILL absolutely be roped in to care for them. It won't happen overnight, it will creep up with more and more demands and there will be a day when you won't be able to move because they depend on you so much.

You moved to be closer to your PIL, you see them regularly and your only gripe is they won’t watch the kids every few weeks. None of that is a reason to go NC or even LC. Your entitlement is staggering. People are allowed to change their minds on the amount of childcare they provide you and grandparents aren’t automatic babysitters, even if it’s only once every few weeks you ask them.

As a MIL I agree with this.

Also OP, where are your DH and FIL in all this? The men have some responsibility too in making sure messages are responded to etc.

before when they need your help - move away

You need to be clear, it is far better than fannying around and reaching stalemate with everyone unhappy about the situation.

"Can we have a lift to the airport please?"
"I think I will be able to give you a lift next Thursday provided you can have the DC on Wednesday so I can get on top of my admin"

"Is lunch still on for Sunday?"
"We'd love to see you. If it's ok I'll drop the DC in to you at 11 on Saturday on the way to purchase the ingredients. I'll only be a couple of hours"

I think they are self absorbed and probably see you seemingly managing without them. Tell them you need help.

it's usually children who have received support with their own childcare from GPs who become carers. But I don't have to worry about being a carer because you've had no support with childcare tinkly laugh"
Even this ^
It isn't tit for tat, it's caring, sharing and encouraging good relationships.

They offered to do it, before they moved, likely to persuade them to move closer, now they refuse to do it for no other reason than they can’t be bothered. I would say that’s a good reason to be annoyed!

Another one saying move further away again if you can/feel this would improve your lives. Looking ahead, they're only going to get more demanding.
What does your DH say?

This! I’d move away quick sharp, they sound like they just want to lean on you more and more. Your eldest will be fine changing schools this young.

what does your dh say about all tis-does he feel obligated to help tem out or would consider cutting it down

Ah here they come now, not in their single spies but in battalions!

@MorningSunshineSparkles - the OP and her DH and then baby moved to be closer to his parents because his parents informed them that they would be willing to look after their grandchild but then, once they did move closer, that willingness disappeared.
@PinkIcedCream & @Kim0566 - As MiL, I'm guessing you never made a promise to your adult children and/or their spouses and then declined to follow through on those promises? That, and other things are happening to the OP. They played on the heartstrings of the OP and her DH saying that they were jealous that their neighbours had their children & grandchildren nearby and were more involved in those lives. However when the OP and DH moved nearby they weren't interested in being part of those lives. They also offered to look after their grandchild (as it was at the time) in order to help their son and his wife with childcare costs. This wasn't put forward by the OP or her DH as "Hey, if we move closer to you will you help us with childcare?".
They are also available for the "Disney Grandparent" stuff - the birthdays, celebrations but not available for an afternoon or a day to spend actual time with their grandchild??
They are fit and well for Sunday dinner but not for taking their grandchildren out for an hour?

@Pleasehelpimexhausted - pull back. Pull right back. But have that conversation with your DH before making some bigger moves.