Sick of MIL

[Pleasehelpimexhausted]

4 years ago, when our oldest was a baby, we moved an hour away to be closer to MIL. One of the big pulls was that she said she wanted to spend more time with her grandchildren, felt jealous her friends had theirs just down the road and would be very happy to help us out with DD one or two days a week so we could keep childcare costs down.

So we moved and… crickets. She took DD for about an afternoon a week initially, then just stopped replying to texts when we messaged to ask about DD going over.

Since then (2 years later) a pattern has developed which is really pissing me off. I (against my better judgement) have continued to invite them for Sunday dinner every few weeks, which they always seem to be available and well for. They’re also always well and available on special days such as birthdays and Christmases, and make sure they ‘get their photos’ with the kids then. They’ll also randomly drop in, with no notice, every few weeks and grumble if we’re busy WFH (they still don’t seem to understand it doesn’t mean dossing about) or if we are about to go out somewhere. If I let them in they wind the kids up for an hour then leave after a cup of tea.

But whenever I message asking if they can watch one of the kids (we also now have a 1 year old) they either don’t reply at all or say they have a cold.

To pre empt the inevitable questions, no I don’t ask much maybe once every few weeks or so at most, I’ve gone a couple of months at a time not asking. They live a 7 minute drive away. They’re both retired and in good health - still doing sports, nights out, cruises etc. They ask for favours with DIY and lifts which DP usually does. When I ask if they can watch one of the kids it’s ALWAYS because I have something I need to do, I’ve never asked them to watch both kids at once, and by watching I mean literally sitting in the lounge playing with them for 1/2 hours after I’ve fed/changed them.

WIBU to just detach from them at this point and stop messaging, stop the Sunday lunch invitations and basically just go very very LC? We’ve had a really hard few weeks, and as usual my message asking if they could have DS for a couple of hours yesterday went ignored. However they’ve asked for an airport lift next week.

Think - future.
Unless you move this is not going to end well, you have seen a glimpse into the future, you can't trust what they say, now decide what you want for yourself and your family. It doesn't need to be like this and it may lead to a better relationship all round with distance.

Mmm, it does seem pretty clear that MIL's motivation to encourage you to move was all about her, not you/your kids.

She gets to do all the photos with the GC on special days, the pop in and wind everyone up and the nice Sunday lunchs, she gets DIY and lifts whenever suits...

And you get bugger all really.

I'd pull back, stop inviting, stop being in when they pop round unannounced/uninvited and if she starts making noises about care, be pretty bloody clear that won't be happening, assuming its not what you want!

In fact next time she starts banging on about looking after them/people looking after their older relatives, bring up the idea that you may well have moved by that point...

'Ohhhh... but we may well move away once X finishes primary, so we wouldn't be around...'

See what the response is then!

Jesus they sounds like utter tosspots! No help and expect a lift to the airport?

op you are being a doormat. Be busy. Stop inviting them. Just leave it all to your DH to arrange.

you MIL obv has the hide of a rhino to go hiking once a week and not offer a couple of hours babysitting.

look to move away if it suits.

it’s not you, it’s them.

I second @mrsdineen2 ’s suggestion of The airport run clashes with the now rearranged appointment that you couldn't make yesterday. It explains why it’s not possible so she can’t accuse you of refusing to take her to the airport out of spite.
If you have been daft enough to agree the airport run, do you think you might suddenly “get a cold” the day before? Let them drive themselves to the airport and pay for parking like others have to do.

Move closer to your family? Then you don't have to deal with this petty behaviour that will slowly send you insane

Why don’t you read OP’s post properly!

Bit thinking you want something, and the experience in reality aren't always the same.
It's important for your children to see and respect the GPs so I'd focus on that part of the relationship rather than seeing the in laws as free childcare. And I do understand your disappointment that the arrangement you moved for didn't work out, but you know that's life.

Maybe the in laws are healthy retired but not great at forward planning, hence the unplanned visits. So invite them, when its convenient rather than request help.

Have the chat, hey we moved so you could see the GC more, but seems like you don't want to mind them, did anything worry you?
Then move on.

Your choice if you decide to help them out when they need it, depends what kind of a person you are.

I’d be annoyed but wouldn’t say anything about the childcare. I’d definitely start pulling back though, don’t do the Sunday lunches or let your husband offer/organise them.
Are your parents still living? When MIL brings up care I’d make it very clear you won’t be doing it. I’m a petty cow though so I’d ‘oh yes well when my mum gets older we’ll move closer to her so I could help.’ Even if I had no plans to do so 😂.
Don’t do the airport drop off ‘sorry I’ve got the kids and they’ll be a nightmare in the car- here’s a taxi firm number for airport runs.’ It’s not rude, it’s just managing their expectations. How is your husband’s relationship with them, are they close?

Sorry now I’ve started moaning I can’t seem to stop!
Are you me? 😆

I’m totally with you OP. I vividly remember my friends saying how lucky we were because the in laws were just up the road and me laughing away because actually they might as well have been in another country.

We had the exact relationship you describe until covid and the lockdowns. Then they would call us frequently for help, ask us to pop round all the time, their health deteriorated and they seemed to realise they had no relationship with their grandchildren.

I’ve posted about this on other threads because rather than say fuck you which was incredibly tempting we did everything we could to rebuild the relationship and a couple of years later it’s in a good place. Yes we do far more for them then they have ever done for us or the kids but I feel much more at peace and the resentment has gone over time.

In your shoes I’d absolutely take a step back but I’d leave the door open in case they have a similar realisation.

You’re missing the bit where MIL said she would have the GC once a week, and encouraged OP to move near on that basis. Not really ‘palming off’ when a request every few weeks is put in that context is it?

It's important for your children to see and respect the GPs so I'd focus on that part of the relationship rather than seeing the in laws as free childcare

How do you suggest she does that considering they won't answer their phone, and make it always about them?

Respect and care goes both ways here. Just because they are older doesnt mean they don't have to respect or show love/care to others younger than themselves. Age isnt a measure of an achievement or a noble character just because you haven't died yet.

@Ukrainebaby23

It's important for your children to see and respect the GPs

Is it? Why?

More important your dc don't see you accept being treated like crap.

I don't know why so many people are piling on you here, OP. It's clear that your ILs were more concerned with having you nearby as free future carers than they were with developing a closer relationship with their grandchildren. Next time they ask for airport lifts or DIY favours just don't respond, or say you'll check the calendar and not bother getting back to them. Selfish fuckers.

Personally I think you are now lucky enough to know where you stand. They don't want the relationship you had with your grandkids, they are happy to receive but not to give and they appear to have plenty of expectation as to your role in their dotage.

So I'd move on mentally and not take them into account at all. Stay in your house if it is the forever home, if it's the best location for work and kids, for primary AND secondary school (that will come around fast) and if it's not, I wouldn't be remotely fussed about their feelings and thoughts on the matter.