Sick of MIL

[Pleasehelpimexhausted]

4 years ago, when our oldest was a baby, we moved an hour away to be closer to MIL. One of the big pulls was that she said she wanted to spend more time with her grandchildren, felt jealous her friends had theirs just down the road and would be very happy to help us out with DD one or two days a week so we could keep childcare costs down.

So we moved and… crickets. She took DD for about an afternoon a week initially, then just stopped replying to texts when we messaged to ask about DD going over.

Since then (2 years later) a pattern has developed which is really pissing me off. I (against my better judgement) have continued to invite them for Sunday dinner every few weeks, which they always seem to be available and well for. They’re also always well and available on special days such as birthdays and Christmases, and make sure they ‘get their photos’ with the kids then. They’ll also randomly drop in, with no notice, every few weeks and grumble if we’re busy WFH (they still don’t seem to understand it doesn’t mean dossing about) or if we are about to go out somewhere. If I let them in they wind the kids up for an hour then leave after a cup of tea.

But whenever I message asking if they can watch one of the kids (we also now have a 1 year old) they either don’t reply at all or say they have a cold.

To pre empt the inevitable questions, no I don’t ask much maybe once every few weeks or so at most, I’ve gone a couple of months at a time not asking. They live a 7 minute drive away. They’re both retired and in good health - still doing sports, nights out, cruises etc. They ask for favours with DIY and lifts which DP usually does. When I ask if they can watch one of the kids it’s ALWAYS because I have something I need to do, I’ve never asked them to watch both kids at once, and by watching I mean literally sitting in the lounge playing with them for 1/2 hours after I’ve fed/changed them.

WIBU to just detach from them at this point and stop messaging, stop the Sunday lunch invitations and basically just go very very LC? We’ve had a really hard few weeks, and as usual my message asking if they could have DS for a couple of hours yesterday went ignored. However they’ve asked for an airport lift next week.

I'd seriously condider moving away.

They basically lied to you to ensure their needs would be met. Turning up out of the blue and expecting to be fussed over is not on. Just say that they can't stop. Not easy but it gets easier. WFH is working anywhere. DC will find new friends, especially at the start of her school life. You say that the childcare would be about the same, so what will be eorse? If nothing, you have your answer as you'll have your lives back

I don't ask a lot...every few weeks 🤣🤣
That's a lot of palming off you're trying to do.

I was promised the world when it was pregnant, I echo crickets too. I have only gone back to work at weekends as a result

You can’t go back in time.

You and your husband both need to be on board with treating them as they treat you. Don’t be available for lifts, or DIY. Say you’ll check the calendar, or you’re too busy with the children.

Stop the dinner invites.

And knock any suggestions of caring for them on the head- they can pay for care. They’ll doubtless try and dangle an inheritance carrot over you , then go back on their word again.

Assuming there are no health issues or problems that didn't exist at the time they made their promise, they have been unfair and quite selfish. It sounds like they are fine though, from all the activities they do (apart from the frequent 'colds' of course!).

I do hope they didn't deliberate set this situation up for their benefit, and to mislead you, although it does seem quite suspicious.

They are very selfish, I would never mess my adult DD around like this and let her down. If they found looking after your DCs harder than they thought they could at least have been honest about it. Their views on people being 'too lazy to care for old folks' are interesting too.

In your shoes I would have stepped back a lot with the favours and Sunday invitations. Just mirror their own behaviour back to them.

How does your DH feel about it all? Have you tried getting him to phone them to ask? Or even pop round there. If they say they need to check the calender then he can call back to follow up. Then if he gets no help a few times he could ask them why?

These people ignore your calls and texts and only invite you to their home once a year. Take the hint, believe them- they’re not interested. Stop serving them weekly meals and doing them favours

This. With bells on. For the life of me I cannot understand why you are running around doing so much for them like cooking them lunch when they are treating you like utter shit.

STOP doing all of this for them! Stop the Sunday meals, stop them popping round expecting tea and definitely, absolutely make it crystal clear you won't be looking after them in their old age. Oh, and no airport lift either- they can get a bloody taxi.

People treat you how you allow them to and you are allowing yourself to be walked all over here. You really don't need to put up with this crap. Start treating them with the same manner that they treat you. If you don't, they will continue to take advantage and you'll end up exploding in resentment.

Take your power back and tell them no more.

I don't blame you for feeling let down @Pleasehelpimexhausted. It's quite clear you wouldn't have made the move without your MIL dangling the free childcare carrot. Her comments about being looked after in old age are also telling. What I would do is start making fake noises about moving closer to your family, just to see how she reacts. If her agenda is that she wants you around to dote on her in old age, she'll give herself away. Then you can go LC to make sure that never happens.

She’s been dropping hints about us caring for them in old age and I actually think that may have been the reason to entice us here all along
It was, they are 'working' you.

Yep … I’d start saying you reap what you sow… oh and we’re thinking of moving to x at least you haven’t promised anything.

for all the people who say gp’s don’t owe you childcare , I agree they brought their children up. But by the same reasoning then I don’t owe gps care either, because it was their choice to have kids. By this reasoning no fecker owes anyone anything and family means nothing.

What’s your DH’s role here? These are HIS parents. Why are you doing all the cooking and inviting and why is he not asking for childcare favours?
if I were you, I would take a step back, no more cooking and hosting. Your DH can make teas, arrange contact and host. They are treating you like this because you let them. Just imagjne the other way round- I would never expect my DH to arrange childcare with my DPs.

Yes yes yes
they have been rude and are taking advantage of you!

Shame DH doesn't have the sense to ignore their lift request then claim he has a cold.

Do you have a whatsapp group with the 4 of you? That’s how it works better for DH and I, if we need occasional support we ask on there. But it’s literally if we are in a pickle cos they’re super busy enjoying their retirement which is good! They worked bloody hard!

One way street selfishness! They should get themselves to the bloody airport, preferably via Shank's Pony.

Yes grandparents don't owe babysitting/ childcare but you moved in good faith that she was offering. It's really shit to not only back out of that deal but not to tell you straight. It's also pretty crappy to never help you out by looking after them occasionally. What's the point of being part of a family if you don't support and help each other. They certainly seem to think it works the other way round. It's so hard having young kids. You read posts on here all the time about how impossible it is without help. So to not give even a little bit of help when it's easy to do and you're fit and well enough seemed unbelievable selfish to me. I bet your DH spent time with his grandparents. I'd cut down the favours to them as well as make it clear that you won't be carers in the future. I'd also suggest alternative Sundays round each others houses so you aren't always hosting. Why should you with so little time and capacity be making their lives easier without anything in return.

I think most questions shouldn't be asked here... if you're looking for some sympathy and abit of support you're better off asking a brick wall, and this is one of the better threads...

They're retired. Inevitably getting older. One will eventually be left alone.
You've been sucked in. I suspect they're playing the long game for their own benefit.
Move.

My parents are in their 80s, my youngest dc is 16 ( my other 3dc range from 20 to 32) and though I love them to bits they were not very available for babysitting even the total emergency kind!
But they did always take them away for a week every summer, cooked an amazing Christmas Dinner every year (I did New Year) and all my dc adore them. Even last weekend when exdh car had no mot (hadn't checked the date) gd took dd to her dance lesson 20 miles away - he was not impressed with the 0730 start on a Sunday- and took her to school on Monday. A couple of weeks ago they drove 200 miles to see ds at university and stay with dd1 for a night. They are much more involved gps to gc now they're older ( the gc).

I would stop inviting them every Sunday for a start. As a PP said your in laws are entitled to change their minds but then so are you.

It does sound like you're being lined up for future care duties. I would get your husband to tell his parents that he's disappointed that they're more involved as you moved because they asked you to and your MIL said she wanted to be involved, so she can step up or you can step back.

And as she's likely to be insulted, gives you space to decide if you want to move. Your eldest will cope with a move, and you'd get to live somewhere you positively chose to, with the huge bonus of not having to see too much of your inlaws.

I don’t know why people are twisting your words. Your in laws tricked you into moving for their benefit. Old people don’t get a pass because they’re old, not when they’re healthy as horses. They have some nerve, ignoring you but always asking for favors. I know your daughter is ensconced in school but she’s young and resilient. You may want to relocate so you can avoid the stress and disappointment. Good luck to you!

OP I’m enraged for you. You have been completely misled. I would actually up the asking. Ask on a weekly basis and say if that doesn’t work for you, let me know what will. Flush them out. They can’t pretend to be unwell or not read your message every week. Also, it means you can see them less because they’ll be avoiding you. Can’t come to Sunday lunch if they’ve got a cold… I would then reduce contact. Definitely do not care for them in their old age

Basically you have possibly been had in the old fashioned sense by your in-laws. You either challenge both or you let it go, accept or, try to find a situation that suits all. What would be interesting is to find out which one is the leader in this and for what motive. Is all acceptable health wise with your in-laws or, is one partner having health problems that is going to necessitate care in the future? Your MIL sounds like a manipulator. If your husband can't or won't support you in this then that is a different matter which needs to be resolved between you and not on here. My answer is a bit all over the place - re-read one of it if you don't have your partner's support going forward relating to the future.

I wouldn't go so far as to say they were lying or manipulating when they suggested the move.

MIL probably just excitedly overestimated how much she wanted to be tied down, and let the early teething issues of spending time with grandkids set in her mind as more difficult than a strong relationship.

My ILs half heartedly suggested we move near them to provide childcare. Except that MIL doesn't like to start the day before 10! FIL doesn't want to do childcare so much as gardening. They have frequent holidays that we'd have to work around.

It's very selfish not to help when you promised to and when you expect help later, but then they probably went in with starry eyed expectations of their own will to help.