Sick of MIL

[Pleasehelpimexhausted]

4 years ago, when our oldest was a baby, we moved an hour away to be closer to MIL. One of the big pulls was that she said she wanted to spend more time with her grandchildren, felt jealous her friends had theirs just down the road and would be very happy to help us out with DD one or two days a week so we could keep childcare costs down.

So we moved and… crickets. She took DD for about an afternoon a week initially, then just stopped replying to texts when we messaged to ask about DD going over.

Since then (2 years later) a pattern has developed which is really pissing me off. I (against my better judgement) have continued to invite them for Sunday dinner every few weeks, which they always seem to be available and well for. They’re also always well and available on special days such as birthdays and Christmases, and make sure they ‘get their photos’ with the kids then. They’ll also randomly drop in, with no notice, every few weeks and grumble if we’re busy WFH (they still don’t seem to understand it doesn’t mean dossing about) or if we are about to go out somewhere. If I let them in they wind the kids up for an hour then leave after a cup of tea.

But whenever I message asking if they can watch one of the kids (we also now have a 1 year old) they either don’t reply at all or say they have a cold.

To pre empt the inevitable questions, no I don’t ask much maybe once every few weeks or so at most, I’ve gone a couple of months at a time not asking. They live a 7 minute drive away. They’re both retired and in good health - still doing sports, nights out, cruises etc. They ask for favours with DIY and lifts which DP usually does. When I ask if they can watch one of the kids it’s ALWAYS because I have something I need to do, I’ve never asked them to watch both kids at once, and by watching I mean literally sitting in the lounge playing with them for 1/2 hours after I’ve fed/changed them.

WIBU to just detach from them at this point and stop messaging, stop the Sunday lunch invitations and basically just go very very LC? We’ve had a really hard few weeks, and as usual my message asking if they could have DS for a couple of hours yesterday went ignored. However they’ve asked for an airport lift next week.

I'd make the requests for lifts more 'transactional', so when they ask say yes (you can give them a lift) if they can look after DC on x date in return. Or, you can say 'oh I'm not sure, I'll speak to DH and see what he says as were really busy'. Don't make it so easy for them.

They're either the ones looking for an argument, or their education was woefully lacking in the English language comprehension department.

OP, when a remark is made about people not being willing to look after elderly parents, say that you don't blame them and that your MIL and FIL will be in a care home as soon as possible - and what are they doing next weekend, they could go out to look at a few?

You can’t take them to the airport as you both have come down with colds. Shame.

They don't give a fuck

So give zero fucks about them

Personally, I would be livid and would have constantly bent their ear over the fact that you literally moved house to be near them.

Every time they ask for something, either ignore the text or tell them you have a cold. Hopefully they'll get the hint,

Who would be taking them to the airport? if its your DH let him crack on if he wants to

If its meant to be you, well im sure you have a cold suddenly come on on that week leading up to the date and you couldnt possibly help out

If it isn’t working for you, then move elsewhere. Your children are young enough to settle somewhere new. You need to accept that your ILs don’t have the same idea of “family support” that you do, and find alternatives that work for you.

why does it matter who asks? The question is the same.

You don’t have to go NC but stop doing them favours - ever.

I'd ask them in person over the next Sunday lunch if they'd be happy to help out by having the kids for a couple of hours so you can do xxx, and when would be a time that suits them, or ask them to come for Sunday lunch and if they say yes ask if they'd be happy to stay for an hour or so after with the kids while you do something. Or when they ask you for a hand, say 'Oh I'm glad you asked and we can help out, there was something I've been meaning to ask you for a hand with too....' Would they rather have the kids at their house? Maybe you could drop them there? Then they can do things at home as well as looking after the kids- my kids love pottering at their grandparents, and it means my folks can do stuff around the house- gardening/cooking that the kids do with them, rather than just sitting at our house watching them play. Sounds like your in laws are get out and do stuff sort of people, can you do some visits to places like parks/walks/cafes etc together, then see if they'd be happy to take the kids on their own? Visits to National Trust places and cake in the cafe has been a staple of my kids days out with grandparents in the holidays, spending hours at our house playing wouldn't be top of their list to do but they love taking them out and the kids love it too...

I wouldnt ask my MIL as I'd feel a bit cheeky. And my DH has never asked my Mum, i dont see why he would when i can just pick up the phone to her. Whereas if her son asks, it's a different relationship where he wouldn't be putting her on the spot. Easier to say no to your child that you've known forever. Just my opinion.

Hold fire. MIL offered to help with children 1-2 days a week to help with costs. Perhaps you missed that bit?

Yeah, you lost me at "She never really worked full time and has been in effect semi retired since her 20s when her kids were born"

People that look after their own kids aren't retired - it's really hard looking after your own kids all the time often.

Going LC seems a bit too extreme but I would start not being available for favours seeing as it works both ways!

Wherearethewaves put it really well.

Make it more clearly transactional. Merge the bits they come for with the bits they avoid.

We would be happy to do 'x' for you - would you, in return, be happy to do 'x' for us, we would really appreciate it .

I would ignore the text about the lift to the airport and if she mentions it again I would say ‘oh sorry I didn’t reply I thought your phone was broke because you didn’t reply to me about watching the children for a hour the other week’

Having read all your updates, I’d definitely be minimising what you do for them. No lifts, no Sunday lunches. Bugger all. your DH can do DIY if he wants but nothing from you.

I’d be so annoyed at this. I certainly would stop making the effort with them and let them come to you.

I know people say don’t rely on family for childcare - and yes, it shouldn’t be taken for granted If grandparents don’t want to do it, then fine. But they offered! And you literally moved because of it. And then they basically didn’t follow through with it without any explanation and essentially ghost you when you ask for help with DC. But they see you for all the nice bits when it suits them. I’d be downright p*ssed.

Im looking at this from my situation, which is very similar to yours a few years ago by the sounds of it: we live 2.5-3hrs away from any family, in a city that we absolutely love. However, over the last year all our friends have moved away for various reasons. We have absolutely no one nearby to ask for help in an emergency, not even a local emergency contact to put on the nursery forms who isn’t me or DH (previously had our close friends who lived locally). On top of that, nursery fees are crippling us and it’s becoming a huge problem and worry hanging over us. My parents have always said they would love to help out more if we lived closer. We’ve finally admitted defeat and, very recently, decided to move to my hometown. My parents have said they will have DS 2 days a week - massive savings on nursery fees - and when he starts school will help out with wraparound care. They offered this, we didn’t ask. It was the deciding factor in us agreeing we’ll move later this year. It’ll mean new jobs, selling our house and buying another, big upheaval for DS etc, so if we got there and my parents turned round and said actually they weren’t going to help with childcare, I’d be furious.

Yanbu particularly because you moved closer on the premise she would help out a bit. But now it all sounds very one sided.

I would stop the dinner invites. Until DS was 3, MIL would pop round once every 1-3 months for her 15 minute photo op and then fuck off. Things changed once DS was about 4, but only because most of her friends are either dead or in care, and her daughter moved abroad, which means we are all she has. Personally, I would be happy never to see her again.

Are you in area you love? Is there somewhere else you’d rather live? If so, I’d be moving, it sounds like your eldest is too little to be hugely affected by a move.

Where is DH in all of this, their son. What does he think? Has he spoken with them? Does he support you unilaterally going low contact with his parents and rescinding lunch invitations?

Do nothing. Don't reply, don't initiate anything. Don't answer their phone calls. Leave the ball in their and your DH's court. It's difficult if you are naturally polite and sociable. If you get questioned face to face just be vague. Hmm, not sure, don't know

Seriously don’t ask this question on mumsnet! People LOVE to be martyrs and say you should NEVER expect help from anyone. That is exactly how children used to be raised…it takes a village, and all that. For what it’s worth I’d be really upset in your shoes. You literally moved house because they wanted you close and offered help and now it’s been retracted. You aren’t being unreasonable.