Sick of MIL

[Pleasehelpimexhausted]

4 years ago, when our oldest was a baby, we moved an hour away to be closer to MIL. One of the big pulls was that she said she wanted to spend more time with her grandchildren, felt jealous her friends had theirs just down the road and would be very happy to help us out with DD one or two days a week so we could keep childcare costs down.

So we moved and… crickets. She took DD for about an afternoon a week initially, then just stopped replying to texts when we messaged to ask about DD going over.

Since then (2 years later) a pattern has developed which is really pissing me off. I (against my better judgement) have continued to invite them for Sunday dinner every few weeks, which they always seem to be available and well for. They’re also always well and available on special days such as birthdays and Christmases, and make sure they ‘get their photos’ with the kids then. They’ll also randomly drop in, with no notice, every few weeks and grumble if we’re busy WFH (they still don’t seem to understand it doesn’t mean dossing about) or if we are about to go out somewhere. If I let them in they wind the kids up for an hour then leave after a cup of tea.

But whenever I message asking if they can watch one of the kids (we also now have a 1 year old) they either don’t reply at all or say they have a cold.

To pre empt the inevitable questions, no I don’t ask much maybe once every few weeks or so at most, I’ve gone a couple of months at a time not asking. They live a 7 minute drive away. They’re both retired and in good health - still doing sports, nights out, cruises etc. They ask for favours with DIY and lifts which DP usually does. When I ask if they can watch one of the kids it’s ALWAYS because I have something I need to do, I’ve never asked them to watch both kids at once, and by watching I mean literally sitting in the lounge playing with them for 1/2 hours after I’ve fed/changed them.

WIBU to just detach from them at this point and stop messaging, stop the Sunday lunch invitations and basically just go very very LC? We’ve had a really hard few weeks, and as usual my message asking if they could have DS for a couple of hours yesterday went ignored. However they’ve asked for an airport lift next week.

Say that you're busy and you'd recommend that they get a taxi (i.e. pay someone to bring them) to/from the airport.

I'd also get DH to do all of the communications going forwards. If MiL or FiL contact you directly, just pass the phone/forward the email to your DH and say "Your parents have been in touch" and nothing more.
This is what some people call FAFO (fuck around and find out). Well they fucked around by promising the sun, moon and stars and being available and they got their son and his wife and their children to move closer to them. However they have reneged on their end of the deal, so you should be under no obligation to hold up your end of the bargain.

It would be possible to move, but disruptive and it's whether you would all agree to that disruption or not (I think it would be worthwhile asking your DD who has settled in school if this would be something she would be interested and open to doing).

The key thing here would be for you to begin the withdrawal of you being the de facto liaison between the in-laws and your family. That's what your DH is for.

As a gp I think they’re being mean. Absolutely don’t do the airport lift and stop the Sunday lunch invites.

I'd be annoyed with this. As a pp said have a conversation with them about it feeling one sided. If they still won't help stop agreeing to help them, mirror their lack of response to your messages. As you say it's not that you will only help them if they help you, it's about feeling like someone cares enough to want to help. It's hurtful if they don't, particularly if they've said they would. Have you asked before about why MIL won't have DD any more and said you were relying on the help?

"promising to have DD 1 day a week if we moved closer to them?"
"They didn’t though because we had a clear understanding that part of the reason we were moving was because she offered 1 day a week"

IT'S WHAT YOU SAID, going by the narrative YOU provided

But your narrative is I went ‘Yay MIL we are going to move down the road from you so you can take our kids and save us some cash! How great is that! And as their Nana, you have to do it! Happy days’

Rather than how it was, which was MIL actually suggesting it, saying she wanted to do it then simply not bothering once she had got us down here.

Unless you’re the sort of person who thinks promises mean nothing and you never have to keep any commitments?

Hey it was you that had the clear understanding that you moved as she said she'd have DC once a week, sorry she reneged on that but as said, people can change their minds and are perfectly entitled to. When given suggestions as to why that might have happened you dismissed them saying that your DC are NT so struggling to look after them would be impossible and they're fit and healthy so it shouldn't be an issue. That and the fact that the thread is literally about you being annoyed they won't babysit shows that that does seem to be the attitude you have

They’re entitled to but that wasn’t my question was it? I’m entitled to cheat on my DP, but is it kind or fair? 90% of the votes seem to see things from my point of view so your opinion seems to be very much the minority.

No, to be fair I haven’t directly asked. I have asked how she is in general because I wondered if she was feeling more tired, but she said she’s fine and they’re out and about more than ever so I believe her. They’ve also just started a house renovation.

I think it’s one of 2 things; either she’s just realised sitting and playing with small children is quite dull sometimes and she simply can’t be bothered. Or actually she never really intended to see her promise through and wanted to get us down here knowing they would need care at some stage and they would have us close by for that. Given some pointed remarks she’s made lately about how ‘people are too lazy to care for their old folk and that’s why the hospitals are full’, I suspect the latter. It didn’t actually occur to me until I started writing this thread actually.

They sound like selfish users, but just one thing ... you say that if you message for help they don't answer. How about phoning them? With an alternative day if they can't make the day you're asking for?

Think that way you will have a very, very clear idea whether they have any willingness to help. Also, do they ever invite you all over as a family? Just wondered!

I do phone as well sometimes but it always, always goes unanswered. I could suggest an alternative day but I have a strong inkling she’ll say about checking the calendar then never get back to me, or say she has something on. The thing is I only usually ask when something happens (ie one of the kids has an appointment) so an alternate day wouldn’t really work if you see what I mean.

They invite us over very very very rarely, perhaps once or twice a year at most.

Next time you need something ask dh to message instead to see if anything different happens.

If they do end up babysitting then repay them with a lovely Sunday lunch that weekend.

If it's crickets from them then repay their energy. I wish I'd learned years ago that it's ok to match someone's energy.

Keep the door locked, answer over a ring doorbell 'oh sorry I wish you'd messaged, we're off to the park in a minute. Or sorry we're actually working'

Stop communicating with them op. If they need anything they can ask dh. Any nurse maid duties in the future can be at his descretion..

Things change. Personally, I wouldn’t have moved.

Yes, upon reflection it was the wrong decision.

@Pleasehelpimexhausted , have you tried talking to them about this?
You clearly moved with the expectation of regular free childcare and if they led you to believe that you could expect this and then changed their minds that would be super frustrating. Was the free childcare the only reason you moved to where you are, were there other considerations?
My husband and I are recently retired and loving our new life free of the responsibilities we once had, we adore our grandchildren and are delighted to look after them on an ad hoc basis but wouldn’t want to commit to a regular arrangement. It sounds like your P’sIL are making the most of their retirement too, one becomes very aware of the ticking clock at our age and that at any time some illness could befall either one of you and that would be the end of your blissful new found freedom.
I’m guessing but perhaps they are concerned about getting involved in commitments that would negatively impact their retirement plans.
If you and importantly your husband could talk to them and ask what level of help they would be happy to provide and be accepting of their response, you may find they become more willing to help.
It could just be that they are utterly ghastly and promised childcare to lure you close to them so they had people to call upon to help them….
Please remember they’ve raised their family, they’ve potentially sacrificed what they wanted to do and now feel they have a small window of freedom before ill health or old age gets them.
I feel very strongly that families should be there for each other but it should definitely be a give and take transaction. Try talking and understanding their perspective, I hope you can sort this out amicably; family fracture is so sad. Good luck!

My ils never had my mobile number. Honestly it made life so simple... She used the house phone. Gave it to dh every time. Or the dc!! She came every Monday (big groan).. 8.20 am. If she came other times I kept to my schedules even if that meant I took the dc out and she was stuck with dh... Your dc honestly won't miss out... The ils will.

Just leave it, don't contact them for a while let your DH do it if he needs them.

They'll either wake up and see what they're missing, or not.

So your oldest is about 5?

I'd move away to somewhere else before you're too settled in schools and friendship groups etc, you're sailing right into a big red trap labelled 'skivvy for elderly parents who couldn't be arsed helping you out when they were perfectly able'.

I can see why regular childcare might have fallen through, this can be much harder than people imagine with rosy-glow memories of what babies and toddler are like.

However, an hour with GC now and then shouldn't be too much, my PIL are not especially active or physically able but come and take GC for an afternoon, they bring lego sets and colouring books etc that they can do together without the need to be on the floor or jumping around.

I'd also make DH the main point of contact for them. They're taking the piss with airport lifts and DIY etc when they're perfectly able. A friend's ILs were like this, they became incredibly dependent and getting friend's DH to do things they could easily do themselves, eg to do online shopping they'd ring him, read out their shopping list and he'd have to choose the items for them. Or if a very simple job needed doing they could have called someone for, they'd call him instead and make him do it.

Yep absolutely go low contact. Stop Sunday lunches. Do visits at us on your time.
I'd even look to move away really.
Gosh I couldn't stand them carrying on like this.

I completely understand if they don't want to make a regular commitment to childcare. We look after our grandchildren a lot but it's on an ad hoc basis as we didn't want to commit to regular days each week. However not replying to your messages is just rude. Do they message you when they need things such as lifts to the airport? If so, I wouldn't reply.

I absolutely do not expect free childcare as a right, before this when we lived back ‘home’ I would invite them to stay for the weekend every couple of months, I would cook and clean and host just because I enjoy seeing family and it was lovely watching them spend time with DD.

She was very much the one to suggest regular childcare. She never really worked full time and has been in effect semi retired since her 20s when her kids were born! The gap between her youngest leaving home and us moving down was 18 years. She actually suggested 2 days a week initially but we said let’s do one and see how you find it, as we didn’t want to tire her out and she has a LOT of hobbies. We also thought DD would be an only at that point and thought it would be lovely for her to build up a relationship with family outside of us in this way. I spent a lot of time with grandparents growing up and adored it and am very close to my remaining grandparent now.

Things really did rapidly change when we actually got down here. MIL has many positives but she is quite a shrewd person - I’ve noticed this on several occasions and I think it’s dawning on me that even if having us here for care wasn’t the absolute aim, there may have been an element of ‘well it will suit me because I’ll have family around when I’m very old and need help’.

Just to add when the 1 day a week thing never happened I was of course deflated and a bit disappointed but just put her in nursery an extra day a week. It’s the fact that even 2 hours once a month is too much to ask, despite the lunches and invitations I extend and the fact we are expected to do things for them. When FIL had an op I cooked 3 days of meals and took them over, when DS was born they turned up empty handed for a photo with him then left. After I had made them a cup of tea, of course. Oh and one of them brought a cold.

Sorry now I’ve started moaning I can’t seem to stop!

Children can resettle in a new school.
Dont rule it out
You will have many many years of this to go and looking after them in there old age :(

I think it's pretty shitty of them not to help out when you really needed help. If they can't do that much then it shows how they really feel about family values so, yes, I'd back off too.

OP you moved near them, huge mistake.
Your DH (and you) will be expected to care for them in their dotage as their needs increase.
I would move!