Do you think children have a duty to help out elderly parents?

[Kendodd]

YANBU = yes they do
YABU = no they don't

Lots of threads on here recently about this and also about asking grandparents to babysit. General view (that I seem to be picking up) is they GP have no reason to help out with GC, even as a one off/emergency but children should help elderly parents.

Yes, generally speaking, although it depends on need and feasibility, and doesn't apply in cases of abusive parents.

I agree with @Precipice

My view - children owe their parents nothing. The children didn't ask to be born, parents didn't have to have them, they chose to bring more human beings into the world just because they wanted to. But parents do have a duty to their children and this doesn't just end at 18. This isn't to say GP should give up work to be full time carers for GC either, just that things are much harder for young people now so we should help them were we can.

My age, for context, mid 50s, young adult/late teen children, elderly parents. I never recieved a single day of help with my children from my parents (nor would I have left my children with them though if they had offered). I don't/won't help my parents. They live other end of country anyway.

No they don't. If you want to and are able to then fine but there should be no obligation.

Yes to what?
Grandparents should help with grandchildren or children should help elderly parents?

I think it’s more whether they were good parents to you that matters. Thats what would motivate me, not whether they babysat for me.

I don’t see it as a ‘duty’. If parents built a strong healthy relationship with their children I believe the children would willingly be helping and not out of duty. If parents think just because ‘blood’ they are entitled to help, they are BU.
my mother was a very immature and selfish mother to me; we have a very superficial relationship.she helps my grandparent only when and if convenient (so not a great example either). I wouldn’t be putting my life on hold to help her.

Depends on so many things.

Nobody should do things because of duty in my opinion.

I cared for my mum up to her death alongside my siblings, because she was our amazing mum. She always did what she could for us, while respecting us as adults. It was a privilege to look after her.

Depends on the relationship and logistics. I will help mine and the in-laws on a fairly superficial basis (they don’t live nearby) but a care home would be better than any one of them coming to live with us. That definitely isn’t happening.

No I don’t think there is a blanket obligation.

i find it odd when posters say no one has the right to expect grandparents to help out but then those adult children must care for their elderly parents.

i think the only obligation is that a parent cares for their dependent children.

as the parent choose to have the child and so took on the obligation.

once everyone is an adult it’s free choice.

so no obligation on grandparents to do childcare if they don’t want to.

But likewise no obligation on children to care for aging parents.

adults have the responsibility to plan for their own old age. Saving, facing up to the need to move / downsize at the right moment.

im continually shocked by posters on here that are so head in the sand about this when it’s obvious State care is hard to get and awful and failing to plan can leave you isolated and vulnerable (eg in a large house no longer manageable living far from adult children).

if you do that it’s a problem of your own making. Why should your adult children sort it out?

Not at all. They are adults and should have made provision for themselves

No

It totally depends on the family dynamic surely?
My DM looked after mine when they were little while I worked FT, I’ll be eternally grateful to her for it and will drop anything and everything if she needs me to.
My late DF was ill for a while before he passed, I’ve done stupid o’clock in the morning rushes to their house when he’s hypo’d and my mum panicked. I’ve spent all night with him in A&E and then gone straight to work. During lockdown I took him for cancer treatment every day for 5 weeks.
My DM doesn’t even need to ask, if she needs to go somewhere I’ll take her.It’s just what we do in our family but I appreciate not every family is the same.

No I don’t think it’s a duty, nor do I think grandparents are obligated to help with grandchildren either. Your logic doesn’t make sense OP - you say nobody asks to be born (which is true) so grandchildren didn’t ask to be born either, and having them certainly wasn’t the grandparents decision!

This honestly depends only on the personal lives of all involved. If you always felt loved and supported by them you will help somehow. If you are NC , I cannot see how you will help unless of course some inheritance is looming large, so everybody appears at the correct timing

I think they do.

My parents did everything for me. Now my dad is older I do for him what I can. He is my father. I only have one.

No I won’t be

I was the same with both my parents. I won the parent lottery and I felt it was a privilege too.

No, I don't think children should automatically support their elderly parents, it completely depends on the individual relationship but my mum has been a brilliant mum so I help her when I can despite living about 300 miles away.

Me and DH are saving for our possible future care so that our DD doesn't have the dilemma.

Another parent lottery winner here!
My DM and late DF are/were the most amazing parents and grandparents.

Only on mumsnet do grandparents not babysit and people don't help out their family in general. It's actually pretty depressing if this is really the case for some people and I would have to ask them what the fuck is the point of having a family it this is your attitude?

I'd do absolutely anything for my parents, as they would for me. They're not in a position to do much to help with the kids these days, as they're older and not 100% well, but I don't view this as some kind of transaction. Just because they can't do much for me childcare wise, I'll do all I can for them. They've always been incredibly supportive and, despite the odd mini ruction, still very much my parents in the sense that they care enormously about us and our lives, and are kind and thoughtful.

As others have said, I suspect it possibly depends on the relationship you have with them though. There's probably no right or wrong answer.

I expect to help my own parents a bit.

they did not do childcare for us.

but they are planners. They’ve downsized already and thought fit and active have done all the power of attorney stuff and are taking with me about what they want.

one is telling which home they like if they need it. Though I will also suggest looking at ones closer to me and I’m considering the right time to do this.

i would not do care myself or have them live with me, though I know I’ll have to help organise and supervise third party care and run their finances etc down the line.

PIL have downsized but are in denial about the need to plan for care. They have funds but seem to think it’s only other people that need care or to live into a home.

But they live in another country so not my problem. DH has some tricky moments in the future

My mum has supported throughout my whole life. Financially as well as emotionally and by providing childcare. When she needs me as she ages I will support her as much as I can.