Do you think children have a duty to help out elderly parents?

[Kendodd]

YANBU = yes they do
YABU = no they don't

Lots of threads on here recently about this and also about asking grandparents to babysit. General view (that I seem to be picking up) is they GP have no reason to help out with GC, even as a one off/emergency but children should help elderly parents.

It depends entirely on the relationship. Aside from a complete lack of interest in my children, I don't think my mother has ever said a kind word to me. I certainly won't be doing much for her in her old age. I feel almost entirely indifferent towards my dad - he was absent growing up, he's absent now.
So no, I don't think children have a duty to care for elderly parents. But if there's a good relationship they would probably want to.

Not a duty, especially if the relationship is dysfunctional. In normal healthy relationships the care and support should be reciprocal because both want to help out the other.

Oh please it’s not only a MN thing at all. Believe it or not there are grandparents that won’t help with their grandkids just because you are lucky enough to not have that experience doesn’t mean it’s made up 🙄

I think of my friend's ds who is 33 years old and thinks it's his mum's duty to look after him - pay 10% deposit on his flat and always help when he asks. I am not that kind of mum. I expect help from them and they can expect help from me. I am not a servant. Adults need to adult. I do not plan on my kids looking after me in old age and they should not plan on expecting a healthy inheritance.

Only on mumsnet do grandparents not babysit and people don't help out their family in general.

I suspect a lot of people on MN, like me, live nowhere near their families so babysitting isn't an option.

YABU

I helped out my elderly parents because I wanted to. I felt no sense of duty or obligation. My parents made provision for when they were unable to care for themselves. They didn’t expect me to bear the burden of their ill health. I wanted to help them because I loved them. No other reason.

It obviously depends on your relationship with your parents. I brought mil to live with us for a short while( due to her having dementia and fil being in hospital). She stayed for around 5 months. I don’t think I could have done it for much longer. But we offered pil lots of support at home and I would absolutely do the same for my dm. But they were so supportive when dc were young and we have a good relationship.
I would really hope that my own dc would offer myself and dh support if we needed it in later life. ( and I know that they would). But I would never want them to do it to the level that it was a burden or it was destroying their own lives/ relationships. I would prefer to go into care than that happened .
There is a happy medium- sometimes family expect so much from the state without taking any responsibility themselves. I would exclude from this argument people who were abused by their parents . But I think if you have had a good upbringing you do owe your parents something

It depends. My parents take an interest in our lives and help out with the kids. My DH's parents barely speak to him/us from one week to the next and don't help us out at all or even want to spend time with us/our kids. Will I help my parents when old? Sure. Will I help my in laws? I'll not rush to.

I hope to remain in my kids' lives when they grow up. If when they turn 18 I think all my responsibilities towards them are done and just leave them to get on with it without even a weekly phonecall I wouldn't expect them to drop everything to help me in my old age.

Relationships are a two way street - under 18s are exempt from this as they have no choice. Raising the kids you chose to have does not mean they have to help you in your old age, but if you treat them well they hopefully will want to.

My mum was the best mum in the world but I won’t care for her and she’s in a residential home. I do live 5 hours away and would have done more if she was nearer but I don’t want to care for her. I also don’t want my kids to wipe my arse-but there will be more inheritance if they do-their choice 🤷‍♀️

i only have my elderly Dad now, he’s had lifelong MH problems and hasn’t been an ideal parent, but he’s not a monster.

I do feel that it’s my “duty” to support him from a humanitarian point of view. He’s a widower in his mid-80’s with multiple health problems, how could I not help him? We don’t all need to wipe bottoms, we can arrange care and support them emotionally, for example.

DH and I are involved with a homelessness charity and some people who need assistance have made unwise decisions and had their children taken into care. If we’re willing to support strangers, it would be illogical not to help our own parents!

I do think it depends on the relationship.

My own Mum and I have an odd relationship. She isn’t maternal and isn’t so good with the grandchildren. Never babysat or offered financial help.
But I understand why she isn’t maternal due to her own upbringing and both my sisters and I can accept those ‘failings’ I know each of us would care for her when the time comes.

BUT I was very sick once and for a while I got to see she could be caring - she helped bath me, wash my hair and I could see the worry in her eyes. For those 6 weeks I knew she did care and for what ever reason she has a hard front on. Which is why I would care for her.

I think people have a duty to help out anyone they know who needs a bit of help. Given that your parents gave up so much for you, I can’t see why people wouldn’t want to help, but get that some can’t

No they don't. We all have to take responsibility for ourselves, as already mentioned.

No, no child asked to be born. They have no duty to do things for the people who chose to have them. If they want to then of course that's fine and lovely but 'duty'? No way. I will support and help my child for his whole life as much as I can - but I feel absolutely no duty towards my parents.

Ultimately, yes, @BeaRF75 but that doesn’t mean that we have to ignore or neglect someone. Regular phone calls, for example, can be a terrific boost for an elderly parent and it’s not a huge deal to have a 10-minute chat, is it?

Totally different if they’re abusive, of course.

I haven't voted. It depends entirely on the individual relationships and the circumstances, I think.

Honestly I think it’s nice if it works both ways but there are a million and one factors as to why it might not be feasible and you can only call it based on your own experience.

My parents have always been practically and financially supportive. My dad was basically my soul mate…we had virtually everything in common and never had a cross word. My mum is great in many ways but emotionally needy and quite challenging. Our relationship is good in that we will always have one another’s backs but there is not the same level of connection or understanding there.

I cared for my dad on end of life for 15 months, I would have done even more for him if I could have done but as mum was next of kin I wasn’t able to do things as I would have wanted to in different circumstances.

I will do as much as I can for my mum for as long as I can, but I will not sacrifice my physical or mental health to do so and if I have to put boundaries in place I will, although I hope we never reach that stage.

Yes I think children should help their elderly parents. What this looks like in practise will depend on a number of factors.

I do not however think parents owe their children childcare.

I'm 38 and don't anticipate needing to help my parents for a while yet. My kids are 17 and 11 so I will likely be working FT by the time they have children.

You don’t feel responsible for helping your parents because I’m guessing they haven’t been particularly supportive to you over the years.

If your parents have been loving good parents then yes I think we owe it to them to look after them.

If you have had a healthy relationship with parents I don’t think you feel like you owe it to them, I think you want to do it because you don’t want them to suffer.

As long as no abuse then I think families should help each other. It seems pretty obvious you don’t like your parents. Whether that’s because they were abusive or a personality clash is your business. I assume you will be fine with your children doing zero for you when you are elderly.

It entirely depends on circumstances, but I do not think that children have an inherent obligation to care for elderly parents. I think that in loving families, it is a question of love rather than obligation. In a less loving family, where parents have been cold and unsupportive, I see no reason why their children should look after them. One shouldn't have children as a de facto retirement home. Parents have an inherent obligation to care for children, as those children did not ask to be born. The same is not true the other way, although a loved child usually wants to look after their parents.

@MintyCedric Your balanced approach sounds very healthy. I have to keep some boundaries with my Dad, he views me as his emotional rock and dumps all his problems on me, which can be hard. He’s elderly and not very well though.

This^ I love my mum (dad too but he passed away from cancer) So just DM left. She’s 82 and would do anything for me/us. Of course occasionally things get on my nerves a bit, but I’d never say it. (I work full time and she needs help with a few things, plus loves a pub lunch once a week- bit samey).
She has babysat, including overnight but I do feel it’s a bit much and don’t put on her. (She says she wants to).

She lives alone, does alot for herself, she’s on the internet! She doesn’t put on me, tries not to. Recently the G.P ran some tests which point toward cancer, I may not have her much longer.

I don’t see it as duty. I help because I love them and don’t want to see them inadequately cared for or at risk of harm.

Babysitting so that two competent adults can work or go on holiday or have nights out, is not comparable, IMO.