Do you think children have a duty to help out elderly parents?

[Kendodd]

YANBU = yes they do
YABU = no they don't

Lots of threads on here recently about this and also about asking grandparents to babysit. General view (that I seem to be picking up) is they GP have no reason to help out with GC, even as a one off/emergency but children should help elderly parents.

Parents have children for their benefit, because they want children. If that means they give stuff up for the children, that’s the choice they made.

The only duty care wise is from parents to their children (when they are actually children, not when they are adults themselves)

everything beyond that is based on the relationship and how happy/functional it is- plenty of people don’t want to care for their parents because their parents just aren’t very nice and weren’t good parents.

@SinisterBumFacedCat It’s definitely harder when you’re an only child and you sound as if you’ve had an especially difficult time. 💐

My Mum died decades ago so I’ve only had to deal with my Dad who’s cognitively OK aside from his long term MH problems, so that’s made it easier. I still wish that I could clone myself sometimes. I hope that your DH is supportive.

Here in the UK, people leave the raising of their kids and the care of the elderly to the government. What a lazy society we have become.

My dad has always been good to us, helping with childcare even when he was suddenly bereaved, helping us with a house deposit when we returned to the Uk with nothing, has always been supportive and there when we needed him. Now he is 85, reasonably independent but this won't last. i will do everything I can to support him. I want to leave the area I live in but won't until my dad is no longer here, fortunately we are only a few streets away from him.

You may not have chosen to be born, but they did not choose to be grandparents.
Frankly I had a wonderful relationship with my parents but they were mid 70s when my kids came along a while they did babysit occasionally in the evening I didn't ask them to do daytime or overnight. My in laws were never interested.
But my parents took great care of me and sacrificed a lot for us so I would do whatever to support them as they age. And I certainly do not believe things are 'harder for young people now' - both my parents worked, they had to deal with cloth nappies and much fewer conveniences we have now (not to mention growing up during the war in the case of mine).

I don't think that's fair. Many people have to move out of their area to find work. More and more people can't find work or homes in the area they grew up in and called home. Property prices in cities are ridiculously expensive. Nice towns and villages are being overrun with second home's people

I don't have kids, so expecting my parents to help out with DC wont apply. My sister had kids, and our folks have said that they have done their time with little ones... they wont be baby sitting etc.
TBF, we all live miles away from each other anyway, so it is a moot point.

I know my DM wont want help from us DC. My dad... well, he is an ass, and if my mum goes first, he will rot alone in their house anyway.

I can't look after myself, let alone a parent.

As a poster has previously mentioned it is not black and white and is very much dependent on family dynamic but in my opinion the only people with a 'duty' are parents with dependent children. Adults are responsible for themselves. However. if you have built healthy relationships within the family. It is more likely that people want to put themselves out for you. Therefore, grandparents will baby sit and adult children will support elderly parents.

On the cultural issue we are in a time of redefining the rules. Women are now more likely to be working up to 60+/have children later and are not available to baby-sit or provide elderly care without reducing their working hours. House prices and job availability have forced families to move further away from each other and it is no longer the sole responsibility of the eldest or the women in the family to provide caring responsibilities.

People are now expected to plan for their old age with less family support. In the same way that if you have children you are expected to have thought about who is going to look after your children if you wish/need to return to work.

It can be lonely for those who have not planned appropriately or who have toxic family relationships and incorrectly expected that family would be there for them.

My parents died before I had my child so no free grandparent childcare here.

I did help them out a fair bit and look after them/care for them but I didn't live terribly close to them so it was in fits and bursts rather than daily.

My parents weren't the best parents at all, but they were decent people in their own way.

The first parent was very ill and died before our relationship repaired properly and I regret to the bottom of my heart even many years later I wasn't there for them as much as I could have been.

The second parent (who didn't deserve it!) got the benefit of this regret and my understanding about the finality of death and so got a-lot more help & care from me (& also from my sibling who felt the same regret I did).

I'll be honest, as much as my parents aren't the best I find it very upsetting to hear people (not on this thread I haven't read it, more in RL) slagging off their very reasonable parents and getting annoyed with them for every little thing.

You don't know what you've got until it's gone.

I think that families try to support each other.

But there's an element of "you reap what you sow". I'll support my mam, but wouldn't have supported my dad, because I don't owe him a thing.

I do hope my child will feel they owe me, in that I hope to give them a wonderful life where they are content and secure and have enough that they can be generous to others, including me.
I will feel I've failed as a parent it they didn't want to support me in my frail years, even if that's not physical care but arranging that care and hopefully allowing me some dignity.
Being a parent can be a thankless task for many years, and full of sacrifice. It would be nice if that was recognised in old age when the tables are turned.

Here in the UK, people leave the raising of their kids and the care of the elderly to the government. What a lazy society we have become

Nonsense.

I voted yanbu for your OP, but I disagree with your point of view in this post.

I think people who had loving upbringings should do what they can to support their aged parents, and parents do not have an obligation to their offspring past 18 (although most want to support beyond this out of love).

It's down to individual circumstances.
I was close to my dad but neither of them helped much after becoming an adult - but were kind, and caring. I would have done anything for them. They died when I was in early 30s. I helped my mum and arranged dads funeral.
I do a lot for my adult dc but don't want to be a doormat and need some space after many years of child rearing and a stressful job. I am trying to negotiate a close but more equal relationship with them. Ie not me doing and providing everything.
I don't want or expect them to vent carers, but I do expect them to care and try to help me with some things if they can as I get older.

Totally backwards way of thinking IMO.

If you choose to have children then they are no one else’s responsibility but your own.

Grandparents should not be expected to do anything, YOU chose to have children. And even more outrageous that people then have a hold over their children to expect care of them. If you are having a child for this sort of reason alone then you should not be breeding, it’s outrageous.

@PixieLaLar Well yes, expecting your children to look after you is absurd, but most posters are talking about helping out their parents to make their lives abit easier, not full-time care.

My elderly Dad’s pretty hopeless with technology so me ordering him things online or doing an online shop for him is a way that I can help him. Same with regular phone calls, especially since my step-Mum died.

These types of things aren’t outrageous expectations, are they? It’s just helping them out.

It depends on the parents and what type of relationship you had with them really.
My parents are fabulous. They always put us kids, their grandchildren and great grandchildren first, no matter what.
While I don't feel duty bound to help them, I will help them if I need to.
They always did their best for me and in appreciation of that, I'll always do my best for them.

''@JamSandle

I must admit I'm curious about the cultural background of most posters.

I think culturally beyond the UK/West people help each other more. The West doesn't really care about family in the same way as is engrained in many other cultures, at least not anymore.''

And you are forgetting that in many of these cultures women (because it is always women who are expected to care for everyone...) don't have much of a choice.

Religion and 'culture' see them as second class citizen whose main role is to prioritise caring for their husband, children and then elderly parents.

I wonder how many women resent doing this but feel they are trapped by these expectations.

I don’t understand the posters who suggest that care for the elderly is / can be directly related to care for the grand child.

I don’t have children. But I helped care for my parents when they could not manage - which at times included personal care. Did not think it was up to my siblings with children as a quid pro quo.

I will say I found it harder to do for my MIL , and I don’t really know why.

But to posters who suggest we tend not to care for parents in the UK - nonsense. We tend not to live with them, but head to the elderly parents thread if you want to understand the juggling , stress , and extent that some people do go to , in order to help their parents.

Having poster’s describe raising children as a thankless task, I can only assume that they haven’t had experience caring for an elderly parent.
Most people actively choose to become parents knowing it will completely change their lives, but will also bring lots of positives and joy into their lives. Watching a parent slowly decline is miserable and isolating, with a series of unknown “lasts” rather than “firsts”. And whilst doing all the work the person can be suspicious, or aggressive or even physically violent, and we are talking about full grown adults who can do serious damage to themselves and others. Over 50% of carers are left with PTSD and caring takes 4-5 years off your life expectancy. If the stats where the same for becoming parents people would be seriously rethinking having children.

Oh and any posters championing other cultures who do this better, these are countries where you don’t need two full time wages to cover extortionate mortgages/rents for basic housing, and I bet the men in these families have little or no input in the caring of elderly parents.

I would have been really upset if my parents refused to babysit ever, but I didn't ask them to provide regular childcare as they both still work themselves. They have been very loving grandparents to my son and have him for sleepovers sometimes.

I wouldn't want them struggling in old age so I absolutely feel obliged to always make sure they're OK and well looked after, whatever that looks like.

I think if we’re talking becoming the sole carer then you’re right but if you take it on as a shared responsibility of your whole family then I think it’s quite rewarding.

I like looking after my grandma because she deserves it and I love her.

And these ‘other cultures’ that you speak about, which are they? There are many many other places in the world, it’s not like a collective they
where it’s all sexist and bad and a singular us. I’m sure the level of caring for elderly differs hugely between ‘other cultures.’ Some sexist and some not.

My PILs, yes, absolutely! They gave my DH the best childhood. They are so beautifully kind, I love them! My parents can help themselves, they’ll probably find some other lackeys to help them now that we’ve (my sisters and I) have all gone no contact.

Rather than go back and specifically require other posters who have dismissed the uk as lazy or reliant upon the state and named others countries who do it better I said cultures. In general on this topic on other threads/sites people do reference specific countries where families and multi generational living are the norm. It’s also very reliant on women being lifelong caregivers to elderly and children. I don’t believe it is very fair that women do the majority of unpaid care let alone all of it. And all families even those who work as a team will have some who take the lion’s share and others who will slink off into the background and often availability have little to do with it. The repercussions can be quite significant (in my case one uncle has gone N/c with his brother after being left in the lurch).

I think it depends. I don't think they have any obligation. Just because you brought a child into the world it doesn't make they owe you forever. My mother is a very complicated person with a lot of mental health issues. She probably shouldn't have even had children. I'm the only female offspring (which is usually default for this kind of thing) but I moved as far away from her as humanly possible the first chance I got! It certainly won't be me caring for her in her later years.