Do you think children have a duty to help out elderly parents?

[Kendodd]

YANBU = yes they do
YABU = no they don't

Lots of threads on here recently about this and also about asking grandparents to babysit. General view (that I seem to be picking up) is they GP have no reason to help out with GC, even as a one off/emergency but children should help elderly parents.

Yes children should take some responsibility for elderly parents if they can but other responsibilities such as children may take precedence and if a parent didn't responsibly parent then no they shouldn't expect the child to care for them in their old age.

No my dad has always been shit. I will be around when he's old but not a lot

No, I've gone NC with my whole family in the past few years and it's so liberating not to feel duty-bound for anything.

Depends really.

If parent has been kind, loving, supportive etc - then yes.

If parent has been selfish, nasty, abusive or not supportive/not given a shit - then no.

The children didn't ask to be born,

I can hear my 10 year old self saying that, such a high standard of debate!

No, not at all, it's nice if they can. I also think though that elderly parents can't expect help if they haven't helped their own children.

My kids are late/early teens and I can't imagine not helping, but I also wouldn't do regular childcare (so instead of nursery). I would maybe expect the same help back - ad hoc (when they are free) rather than regular

I had wonderful parents and any care I gave them was out of love. Any care they gave to my children was also out of love for them and love for me - wanting to make my life easier. I hope my children will feel the same about me. That they will want to help and support me if I am old and vulnerable because they love me.

I have a friend in a situation now where her mother is in her 80s and has had a health issue. Other family members are supporting -organising the nursing home/going to A&E for the night, organising what needs to happen for this woman to get back to her own home. My friend has no issues with her mother - mother babysat extensively for her when needed - as in regular babysitting and minding children for 2 weeks at a time while she went away. But she hasn't even visited her mother once because it isn't really convenient for her. I can't get my head around that tbh. I think it is very cold.

No one owes anything to abusive or bad or absent parents.

I guess they don't have any inheritance to leave you?

No but equally once a child is an adult and working they should expect there parents for handouts or childcare.

Everyone needs to provision for their old age and giving money away for house deposits whilst is nice to do if it means u then can't fund care u are absolutely screwed if ur kids then also decide not to help or do bare minimum.

Same eith having kids do so having worked out if u can afford childcare cos u can't predict GP help or they might be healthy and well enough too.

Everyone needs to really prioritise ensuring they are in the best position they cna be to not have to depend on a family member as must as possible

I'll be a much better daughter to my parents when they need care if I'm not having to provide full time hands-on nursing including things like bathing and toileting, which would be a miserable, undignified, and probably unsafe experience for everyone concerned. I've told them that I'd expect them to spend what they refer to as "our grandchildren's inheritance" on professional care if necessary. Likewise, I don't expect any of my own children to take responsibility for me if I'm no longer able to look after myself.

I don’t see it as a ‘duty’. If parents built a strong healthy relationship with their children I believe the children would willingly be helping and not out of duty. If parents think just because ‘blood’ they are entitled to help, they are BU.

This.
If you and your parents have a strong and loving relationship then you want to do what you can to support them when they need it, just as they wanted to support you when you needed it.
That - for me - means "within reasonable limits" and where the 'reasonable line' is will be different for different people. Logistically it is more difficult for some than others. Getting the balance right is key.

I think if you want to or able to take on that role then do so if you choose to.

I don't feel that children are obligated to look after elderly parents.

My husband and I have done funeral plans, we've told our children not to look after us and to move us into care homes when the time comes. We will be looking to downsize in the future.

It's not an obligation by any means, but it really depends on the bond.

We lived next door to my parents. They both sadly passed away in 2022, but we had a great reciprocal relationship before then.

They really helped out physically and financially once we'd had DCs, and we were ever present as they became very old and more dependent on us.

I couldn't have asked for more, and still miss them every day.

How do you know this? How do you know who has and hadn't provided care on this thread? Many people do every day.

Yes, I do think that generally speaking there are obligations. What those are will depend somewhat on the situation, but this applies both to grandparents helping the younger generation and kids helping parents. And actually I would include extended family as well. I have an aunt and uncle with only one daughter and I and my siblings are very conscious that she may need help supporting them as they age. My elderly disabled aunt now is largely supported by her siblings, not financially directly, but administratively, even though she is deeply disagreeable.

I don't see these kinds of obligations about being just about a good relationship. They are the obligations we have to others in society which make it functionable - if family doesn't step in, who will? Taxpayers? A random neighbour? These people have even less connection than family. Many of the things that need to happen to take care of elders, or young kids, can't just be provided through the market. Someone has to pay attention.

I'd also add that the idea that everyone will just be able to manage things if they plan correctly financially is incredibly middle class, but even naive in that instance. Even fairly well off people will need help from a friends or family at times.

Of course, if someone has the kinds of parents who seem to have no interest in supporting their grandkids and family themselves, it's going to be unlikely that the kids will go out of their way to do more than the bare minimum.

I must admit I'm curious about the cultural background of most posters.

I think culturally beyond the UK/West people help each other more. The West doesn't really care about family in the same way as is engrained in many other cultures, at least not anymore.

I find this attitude pretty sad. It’s no surprise that lonliness and other issues are more common for older people in the west to experience. And even the anxiety that now comes with motherhood. We don’t have a culture where we look out for eachother anymore.

Nobody is entitled to do anything at all. I don’t feel like I have to look after my parents and the truth is you don’t have to look after your children either if you don’t want to. But there is something in me that values family enough to see it as a lifetime of give and take. Strong families in my opinion build strong societies.

Personally if I have the capacity, I will do everything I can to take care of my daughter, family and when the time comes grandchildren. Of course it depends on circumstance. But I think we should all have the heart to at least want to help out.

In many places people aren't wealthy enough to pay for all elder care even if they wanted to, and also the state isn't going to do it. There is much more dependence on family and people take that obligation seriously.

It's interesting in the west that we see it as an obligation to pay taxes to the state so the state can become the carer, including for those they are unrelated to, but don't see any personal obligation help family directly and in fact think it's a bit crazy.

I’m an only child with both parents who have needed help and care with different types of dementia. It’s more than 18 years worth now so more than a childhood’s worth. Both are now in care homes but I’m still doing all the admin/financial/healthcare planning and visiting. I don’t believe it’s an automatic duty to care for your elderly parents and I do not expect this of my children. It’s lovely that some of you use words like an honour and a privilege but honestly it’s never felt like that for me, mainly isolating and demoralising. I’ve aged way more than my peers who aren’t looking after their parents and I’m financially worse off, nearly 20 years of being on standby prepared to drop everything for the next crisis whilst simultaneously being called a thief. It’s also meant my own kids and DH have had to take a back seat on occasion. They were good enough parents and fun but they were also very young when they had me and I generally had to fit in around them and their priorities so really not much has changed. Neither of them provided any help or care to their own parents, who definitely needed it.

I think it's a choice in either direction. There is no obligation as such.

But I think in any functional family, it is natural for people to want to help their family members as much as they possibly can, and I do think it's sad when people don't have the type of relationships in which this is taken for granted.

My parents did what they could when dd was younger, and I was grateful for it. I do what I can for them now, and they are also grateful. It isn't transactional though...I am not paying them back for the help they gave me previously. It's just how our family operates. I also help another elderly relative who wasn't ever in a position to help me with childcare etc.

Personally, I do see it as a kind of duty, but it is a duty that I have imposed on myself because of the way I think about family. I wouldn't judge others for feeling differently because every family has its own unique relationships and ways of operating.

Well it's my reality in real life not on mumsnet and yes it's bloody upsetting that not only do my IL'S seem to want nothing to do.with there grandchildren but also they aren't even supportive of their own son. And I do wonder often why they ever bothered to have children if this is how they feel about them.

And no I've already told DH that we won't be providing support for them in their old age as they have burned their bridges.

My dad on the other hand does actually try he just happens to be the other end of the country, unfortunately helping him will probably fall to my sister as she is local. Bit I think he expects to go into a home rather then have physical care from us.

Totally agree

No I absolutely don't think anyone has a 'duty' to help out elderly parents but I'm coming from a situation where my parents didn't feel like they had a 'duty' to care for me as a child.

Dad left when I was a kid, never to be seen again and my mother obviously wished that he'd taken me with him. I have kids and we're close but there's no way I'd want them to feel any obligation to take me in or make any sacrifices for me.

I don't have much of a relationship with my mother and she's very close to my other siblings and their children but I'm the eldest so I'm absolutely hoping that I'd don't have POA etc

Sorry for the rant

I think culturally beyond the UK/West people help each other more. The West doesn't really care about family in the same way as is engrained in many other cultures, at least not anymore

Maybe because U.K/Western women are more likely to rebel against the misogynistic expectation that they, and not the men in the family, will be unpaid family carers whether that’s for children or the elderly.

It’s not necessarily a bad thing that women are saying “hang on a minute, why’s this my job?”

That said, there is no way I wouldn’t be involved in the support of my parents, just not doing it all by myself to the detriment of my own health, career etc.

Don't worry, you won't have PoA without agreeing to it first... you have to sign the forms before it is put in place.

I'm sorry that your parents failed you.