Do you think children have a duty to help out elderly parents?

[Kendodd]

YANBU = yes they do
YABU = no they don't

Lots of threads on here recently about this and also about asking grandparents to babysit. General view (that I seem to be picking up) is they GP have no reason to help out with GC, even as a one off/emergency but children should help elderly parents.

No they don't. Nobody owes anyone anything- your parents don't owe you childcare, and you don't owe them end of life support. However you would hope that you have a relationship where to an extent you're both willing to support each other in stages in your life where you need it.

Yes unless there's good reason. I think it's part of being a family. I find there's a real common thing at the minute where older people are insisting they do not have to care for Grandchildren ever despite having often received the help from their parents I know so many people whose parents won't help and yet their parents helped them. My grandparents looked after us regularly and my parents will help me out once in a blue moon. I have to be honest it makes me want to help them in old age less but I will still do it because I think family are meant to help each other. I think the increased idea that families do not care for each other pretty toxic.

And when I say help out I don't mean so everything or he main caregiver. It's unreasonable to expect grandparents to have their grand kids all the time and it's unreasonable to expect a child to become your carer when you are ok but yes I do think we should help where we can.

So I am ethnically Indian. We tend to have stronger support bonds. Culturally we support our elders and there is support for young mothers. Mostly this works well for us and support comes from wider family (so Aunts and Uncles will also be part of the care provision). On occasion it can cause some tension. Lots of relatives in your house at short notice would not suit everyone, but I like it.

It depends. I have raised ds alone. We are very close. I expect him to head off to university soon. I'll retire.

I shall be very hurt if he can't manage a weekly phone call but it will be his decision. I hope he still wants to spend time with me. I don't think I'll have done a very good job at parenting if he can't be bothered with me.

I won't expect him to look after me though. I have made as much provision as I can for old age and would hate him to feel restricted. He might have to be a trustee but hopefully, not too tough.

These threads always make me laugh. All the people saying that of course they’d “care” for a parent as to them care means popping to Tesco, picking up a prescription or running the hoover round. Helping out things which don’t impact at all on their lives. They don’t mean that they are prepared to be 24/7 carers for a parent who has some sort of condition which requires personal care with washing and toileting. They haven’t a clue.

No one asks to be born but if you had good parents who loved and willed you into the world then yes, I think you have responsibility toward them. The relationship might have broken down or one or more parents have become a closet narcissist (a MN favourite) but if you loved your mum or dad then yes, I think you have a duty of care to make sure they are ok.

We don't necessarily have to do the care ourselves but overseeing the care, alongside making sure they're safe is important

I would move heaven and earth when/if my DM needs care. Nothing will be too much trouble, nothing is too much trouble now and would always drop everything to help her. She can live with us, I will advocate for her, administer personal care and all she needs. She was and remains to be an incredible mother and I’m blessed to have her.

DF, couldn’t care less who cares for him or what happens to him. Not my problem.

My Mum has been a complete let down yet l couldn't see her struggle. She hasn't helped me at all, yet l don't have it in me not to help.

I also very much resent the implication that for people who are not prepared to move mum into the spare room or do all the toileting for dad, it’s because their parents were a bit rubbish and they just don’t love them enough.

My parents were/are good parents.

They provided zero childcare due to other commitments.

I would, without doubt, provide them with all the care and support they need as they age. As would my siblings.

I don’t think children who don’t provide care and support signify that their parents weren’t/are good parents.

Some people don’t want too, can’t or just don’t have the skills or the capacity. That too is absolutely ok.

No they don't. You no idea of previous history. Without going into past history my parents were ...ok..it's hard to explain..but even aged 15 I got beaten by a slipper and had things stabbed into me so hard I bleed. I felt I deserved it at the time as I was hungry and eat the last bit of bread it's only later I realized I didn't. If you ever meet my parents you never image it and you think I'm cruel for not visiting them weekly. I visit every month of so for a day. I made peace with what happened but I never want a duty to them. I know others who say the same.

My DM didn’t do any childcare for me, I paid a local person to babysit in the evenings if I went out.

For the past five years I’ve cared for her, she’s in a nursing home now.

I suppose I don't think it's necessarily a duty to help out your parents, but unless there are very exceptional circumstances, I think you would have to be incredibly hard hearted and inhuman not to help a parent when they are old and in need of support, and I really wouldn't want to know anyone who could ignore an elderly relative in their time of need.

My mother in law has done some terrible things over the 50 years that I've known my husband and has been a truly horrible woman for much of her life, but once she began to really need help, particularly once she began to develop dementia, I couldn't have ignored her and left her to fend for herself. She's now bedridden in a nursing home , completely incontinent, can't feed herself, and has very advanced dementia but I couldn't mine myself if I didn't visit her regularly and advocate for her as much as possible.

@Misthios Yes, and to clarify what I said upthread about feeling a duty to support my Dad, I wasn’t talking about moving him into my house and doing day-to-day caring. I did once when he was recovering from an operation, I.e., in an emergency, but I wouldn’t do it for years. I agree with the many posters saying that adult children shouldn’t be expected to upend their lives unless they actually want to.

Adult children can be supportive in small ways that make their elderly parents’ lives easier-regular phone calls and visits; helping them do things online if they’re not confident with computers; arranging help if they need it, such as a cleaner.

You don’t need to be a martyr, just do a bit more than visiting them once a year at Christmas, for example!

I meant to say that my mother in law never helped out with childcare for us and it was never expected. My mum was always willing to help out with looking after my daughter if necessary m, and of course I was happy to support her in whatever way I could when she got older and when she also developed dementia.

People have a duty to each other. Especially families.

Are we reading the same thread? Most people have acknowledged the difference!
The title is about helping. Not caring the way you describe it.
The grandparent equivalent would be providing frequent childcare vs taking the kids once in a while to give their parents a break, or in an emergency. Avoiding the former is OK, but it'd be IMO quite selfish to not do the latter, if able.
I won't be able to provide a high level of personal care should the worst happen but I'm not just going to leave it all to to social services. Visiting them, organising care, interacting with services etc on their behalf all of these are helping too.

I have a French friend who is giving a percentage of her salary for the upkeep of her mother in a retirement home, all her siblings do as well. She explains to me that it is law in France if the person cannot pay for her care, the close family has to foot the bill. They look at your salary to decide what amount you had to pay.

Yes, I believe we do have a duty to care and look after close family members. I also think it is an honour that allows an experience of love that is complicated, difficult but profoundly significant.

I also understand why in some circumstances it is not possible or not appropriate.

It's a duty no one can make you perform. And I wouldn't go around judging other people on it. But for me, yes, I think I have a duty to look after my parents, and I hope I do right by them. They are wonderful people and I want them to feel loved and secure right through to the end.

I won’t be looking after my parents when they’re elderly.

A little while ago DH was admitted to hospital unexpectedly, I was working full time and looking after two toddlers, my parents were coincidentally coming to stay with us the next weekend which would’ve been a great help with the kids while he was in hospital. As soon as they found out he was in hospital they made all manner of excuses not to come, they didn’t want to help me when I needed them.

Selfish doesn’t begin to describe them.

I’ve asked them repeatedly to sort out POAs and they refuse because they don’t want to pay the fee, I think it’s £80, so they’ll have to be at the mercy of the council or whoever steps in when you’ve got no one else, because I won’t be there.

We never had help. Always negative and putting me down. Anyways not always straight forward with elderly. Would def not get run ragged either. It does upset me at times expects loads help now.

Yes, I believe all family members have a loving duty towards one another, and to be honest I think most people believe that. It only seems to be online where people come out and say "my elderly parents should have made provisions for themselves" or "I didn't ask to be born", which suggests some people are picturing a scenario where indifferent elderly parents have squandered everything and are now demanding endless bailouts. I don't think that's most people's experience. Obviously if a family member is taking the piss, then you protect yourself and keep firm boundaries. That's very far from the defensive, dog-eat-dog individualism espoused by some on this thread.

And no, I did not expect my parents to provide regular childcare for my children (they live too far away anyway), but I would be amazed if they ever turned round and said "no I certainly won't ever take them for a day or two in the holidays, I didn't ask for them to be born". I mean... Who acts like that, in real life?

No wonder other cultures think we're nuts and indeed we are collectively losing our marbles - one of the few things we are doing collectively!

I would do whatever I am capable of offering for my parents and step father. And I would help with grandchildren, including step grandchildren, if I am able. I don't want to live in a disconnected society. People should not do something they do not want to do but I believe we've become too insular and inward looking.

My parents weren't perfect. My step father was great.

No, it depends on the family. I'd do anything for mine, but that's because they're not arseholes.

I find it really depressing that people are not willing to help out their family at both ends of life! I think in most families IRL there is some give and take, mostly because there is some genuine affection and good relationships in spite of occasional friction. I did help both my father and MIL quite a bit in the last few years of their lives. It did ramp up towards the end and frankly was really hard going - I couldn’t have managed without help from other family and paid carers, don’t know how folk manage it without support. Both of them had done school runs, overnight stays, hours here and there so I got to Tesco in peace years before. They did it because they wanted to spend time with GC and help out. Both always doled out too many sweeties and let GC away with murder, just had to bite my tongue and tell myself it wasn’t an everyday thing.

It’s true no-one has a duty to provide childcare for grandkids same as no-one should feel compelled to care for infirm relatives. But it is nice to think that if relationships are generally good families would help each other within reason. There are some selfish gits on both sides - unreasonable grandparents who refuse point blank to even take GC to allow parents out for dinner; equally some parents expect free weekly childcare to allow them to work and then complain if granny doesn’t adhere to all their exacting rules. From what is reported on MN by the (mostly) mothers themselves the bulk of the moaning about rules, boundaries and red line crossing is directed at in-laws more their own parents.

Some elderly parents are really demanding and expect instant attention for minor crap - do not see their adult children simply do not have the time to jump to it immediately and hate being guilt tripped constantly.

However, I have always noticed the adult children adamant they cannot/will not help their parents as they are too busy/too important/don’t want to are often those most concerned about their inheritance being preserved!