Do you think children have a duty to help out elderly parents?

[Kendodd]

YANBU = yes they do
YABU = no they don't

Lots of threads on here recently about this and also about asking grandparents to babysit. General view (that I seem to be picking up) is they GP have no reason to help out with GC, even as a one off/emergency but children should help elderly parents.

Looking after my Dad while he was dying wasn't a duty. It was a privilege. He wasn't perfect by any stretch but he was my Dad and I loved him unconditionally.

I think it's about you as a person, not what someone has done for you.

As usual, the first reply nailed it.

There’s different kinds of helping.
I would like to think my DC is a person who helps others by nature but I don’t think they are

my parents never wanted to ask for help, they never expected it. I wouldn’t expect it either

So YABU no, they don’t

I do not believe in giving up your life to look after parents, but I would keep an eye out for their interests once vulnerable and would expect the same of my children. Parents should put aside funds for care and security but if they cannot manage their arrangements or lose marbles, I would want to make sure that the practicalities are covered.

So if you've been born into an abusive family and suffered because of that, and that means you don't want to help say the father who sexually abused you - that says something about you? I don't understand, the inference usually when someone says that is that the "you" they are referring to is wrong/lacking but you can't mean that? But that can't be what you mean ?

My parents live 200 miles away so I've never had help although my mum would have helped if we lived close by. Maybe it's not just on mumsnet, but certainly on here there are a lot of people who just come across as selfish, inflexible and plain weird. I can understand if someone has a bad relationship with their parents obviously, but most people I know would put themselves put for their loved ones.

My dad is an abuser so he will get nothing.
I personally think my DM two golden children should take care of her in her old age, because she's done so much for them over the years.
They won't though, it will fall to my other sister. She's already planning a granny flat in her garden for DM and her MIL. DM did fuck all for her growing up as well.
I've told my MIL we will care for her because she was an excellent and doting mother.

So the obligation of parents to their children never ends? I can’t agree with that, once they are independent adults I have no responsibility for them. Love, care and concern absolutely and I’d want to help them out of love rather than duty and I hope they’ll feel the same way about me if I need help.

I cared for and supported both my parents ,together with my brother ,as their health and abilities declined until they died.It was our way of showing our love for them. We were lucky that we had wonderful parents and happiest upbringing and lived close by.BUT had they been terrible parents no way would I have cared for them. In my opinion you reap what you sow.

I had an abusive mother. I am still just sorting through my emotional responses to her and im 58.
When she was very ill and then in hospital I had to do caring and it was very hard. I couldn't leave things to my cousins and aunts. But I tell you what when I had news she was dead I felt happiness. Parents and children have different relationships depending on how the adults parented.
I would never tell anyone they had to look after a parent. You don't know how that person treated their children when they were dependent and vulnerable.

Depends where people live too op. 24/ 7 care is alot different to calling in. We help our mam but have our own lives too...

I'd be very interested to hear the relationship dynamics for the people who said an emphatic no?

I can't imagine people who have a loving, healthy relationship with their parents not wanting to help them as the age. Obviously logistics play a part (you can to be expected to relocate if you live a distance away for example) and once care needs reach a certain level then professional help needs to be put in place but the outright no's on this thread are surprising.

I only have my dad but I'll happily help with any care needs that arise and the same for my FIL and MIL. They've been such supportive and positive influences in my life, I couldn't imagine not being around to help.

Caveat to say I live close and both myself and DP have big families so I know any caring responsibilities in the future won't fall 100% to me.

They don't have a duty to. Some do and if that works for that individual that's great.

Grandparents are not obliged to provide babysitting, some do and some don't.

I'll be happy to go round with a toolkit and do odd diy jobs about the home if my dad gets too frail to do it but I think he'd rather pay a professional.

When needs get more difficult, I think both my parents would prefer to keep the undignified aspects of personal care (eg bottom wiping and dealing with other unpleasantness) done by someone whose job it is to deal with those things and is paid appropriately, and not have those grim moments be part of the parent-child interaction. Much nicer for us to spend what time we have together unshadowed by such things.

God, that's harsh.

As long as your parents were loving and good parents then why on earth wouldn't you want to help them when they're old and frail?
Of course you don't have to but it's not about doing it out of duty. It's about wanting to do it out of love.
A loving family help each other out in their hours of need.
Of course I didn't ask to be born but that doesn't mean I don't love my parents and appreciate all they've done for me. I simply couldn't ignore them when they need me because of love. Nothing to do with obligation or duty.

Yes - In our culture we are expected to look after our elderly when they are old. However, Grandparents will help out as much as they can with their Grandkids too.

No.

Kids don't ask to be born, you don't choose your parents and there is no duty to care for them.

I completely understand though that some people choose to help as much as they can especially if they have a loving relationship with their parents.

But it should be a personal choice, not something that you are guilt tripped into doing or something that society automatically expects, especially of women.

I am no contact with my mother, never had any love for her due to her controlling and abusive behaviour and her failure to protect me from my father's violence. No intention of caring for her or to ever see her again.

There's no 'duty'. Ideally, families can help each other out, in ways that will look different for each family.

My parents were in some ways enormously supportive of me. In other way, much less so.

In my immediate family, I was always the one checking in & being there for my siblings; they have been shockingly absent & unaware & disinterested in my life, including a torturous 10 year divorce after an abusive marriage, ongoing challenges as I try to bring up my 3 DC. I've pulled back a lot, no falling out in a direct sense, but I feel the loss of close relationships hugely.

My mum won't expect care; I would happily do if if I can but live at the other end of the country. She cared for my DF & DGM at the same time, and it was very very hard & took a huge toll on her that she's never really recovered from.

No. I don’t. Most people I know live no where near their parents so couldn’t help even if they wanted to.
and as a pp said, children don’t ask to be born and don’t owe parents anything.

Assuming your adult children will turn their lives upside down to accommodate your lack of planning for the likely / inevitable need for help near the end of life is harsh.

i also think there is a difference between ‘help’ and ‘care’.

ill help my parents.

help - to move house, into a home, to arrange social care, manage finances: yes.

And if you read the elderly parents boards you find out that can be A LOT.

have already discussed that my helping will gradually come with a stake in the decisions made. Eg when it’s time for a care home.

care - cook, clean, wash them: no.

visit and stay in touch - yes as we do all the time.

Assuming your adult children will turn their lives upside down to accommodate your lack of planning for the likely / inevitable need for help near the end of life is harsh.

Who said that though?

I commented on a PP's point that parents should simply plan better.

I agree with your comments, and the differentiation between help & care

As a previous poster said - the golden children (sil and bil) did nothing to help dmil when she was ill and needed care. They didn't even come to visit. Funnily enough their interest was there when the will was read

I don’t think they should have a duty to, but I think a lot of adult children would if they have a good relationship with their parents. I see it around me in others and the devastation they feel when their parents eventually die.
I cared for my Grandparents and helped them a lot because I adored them. It didn’t feel like a duty, I 100% wanted to. On the other hand I will be doing zero care for my parents as they were cruel to me and terrible parents and ruined my childhood. I don’t love them and they have never loved me. I feel no sense of duty to them.

I never want any of my kids to give up jobs / lifestyle to look after me. I reckon I’d be happy enough in a home, plenty of people to chat to!! But I do feel that I’d have to play my part looking after my mum if she didn’t want to go into a home and needed care. I live 250 miles away at the minute and my mums just turned 70. In 2.5yrs once youngest is 18 I’m heading back up that way, for cheaper living but also so I’m about should my mum need help. Friend of mine is so stressed over helping her mum who got a lot of health issues quite young and raising a young family, tough being part of the sandwich generation.

I suppose it depends one what kind of relationship you have with them, what kind of person you are and what you are capable of doing for them. I think if you love someone you want to help them.

I don't have kids yet but if I did I think my parents are too old now to be expected to do a lot of childcare, if any it wouldn't be fair to ask them. I am sure they'd still be loving grandparents though. However the fact they couldn't do childcare for me doesn't mean I wouldn't want to help them, after all they cared for and supported me. Its that I would be reciprocating but for me it wouldn't be transactional but out of love, the love makes me want to do the care.