Do you think children have a duty to help out elderly parents?

[Kendodd]

YANBU = yes they do
YABU = no they don't

Lots of threads on here recently about this and also about asking grandparents to babysit. General view (that I seem to be picking up) is they GP have no reason to help out with GC, even as a one off/emergency but children should help elderly parents.

This very much depends on culture & tradition too.

We helped a bit with DM like got her shopping, went to the tip, bit of DIY, stuff like that, she looked after DS a lot when he was young. PIL always had an excuse not to see DS so we never helped them at all. I wouldn't expect DS to help us as he doesn't live near and we never have any reason to help him

My lovely MIL cared for her mother for over twenty years, the old dear didn’t die until she was almost 100, a year before MIL’s 80th. MIL is now too old/ill to enjoy any of the nice things she had planned when she retired in her late 50s. So sad as once upon a time she had so many dreams and now she’s basically a shell.

@BruFord tbh I learned it the hard way.

My dad was put on the end of life pathway two weeks into the first lockdown and passed away 15 month later of ‘frailty of old age’.

It was the darkest time of my life, not because of my dad but because of my mums complete inability to cope and denial of the reality of the situation, and an incredibly unsupportive employer. I’d have taken Dad and had him living with me in a heartbeat if I could have.

Equally I’m pretty certain that doing the same for my mum would actually kill me.

I was forced into took a 9 month unpaid sabbatical from work, went back for a month and started having panic attacks, spent two further years as Mum’s carer and doing a bit of freelance work. Last spring I was diagnosed with PTSD, GAD and Panic Disorder.

I had counselling and am finally back at work full time in a job I love…I’m not sacrificing that again.

All our parents are dead now so we don't have to help at all

I haven't read the thread but I'd hate to be a burden on my children. I'd much rather go in to a nursing home or off myself than ruin their lives or impinge on their freedoms.

My parents have been so kind and supportive of me and my brother for our whole lives, we all live within 30 mins of each other. In my opinion I would be an absolute disgrace of a human if I didn't do my best to help them in their old age.

Would I quit my job to care for them 24/7? No. Neither me nor them would want that. But I will happily help them evenings/weekends, do shopping, take them appointments, help them with admin, make sure they are receiving good care, help pay towards their care etc.

I think it depends on the relationship whether you should feel obligated to help (And if you are able) also comes into it.

My mum was very much of the mind that families should look after their own until her MIL moved in for 5 years after falling and breaking her hip. It was hard going and after that she did change her tune a bit, and her own mother did spend some time in a care home before she died.

To be fair, I think it was the right choice. Both grannies were, shall we say, quite stubborn and opinionated, and not the easiest people to live with. Not living with her meant all her kids kept a good natured relationship with their mum, and between them and the grandkids she had someone from the family visit every day till she died. She loved showing off her great grandkids to the other ladies!

I will happily help support my parents to stay at home for as long as I can, but there will be limits, and at that point I will help them find somewhere that can give them the 24/7 care they need - as one person I can't provide that. FIL has recently moved into a lovely care home and is enjoying the good food and the company immensely, having lived alone for 20 years or so til now. But you do need money to be able to find somewhere like that, the ones the NHS put him in for rehab after hospital stays were grim.

Fair enough.

ive read a few threads recently though where an elderly parent is becoming unsafe in a too big house.

adult daughter that lives a few hours journey away and has a jobs an children of her own posts here asking for support.

and many replies tell her it’s cruel and heartless to try to get the parent to move nearer or into a care home.

yet the burden on her to give them what the parent wants- her support to live and die in their long term home - could only be given if she turns her own life upside down.

maybe leave / loose her job. Put pressure on her relationship, not support her children as well as she wants / they need. Or ruin her own health and well being trying to do all the above.

its selfish to put your adult children in that position.

I agree that children owe parents nothing. Yabu.

Gosh you sound delightful and not a bit entitled

I’ll be doing precisely zero elder care.

Neither side has helped one iota with our DC. We’ve managed everything between DH and me and hiring a nanny and babysitters etc.

I can’t wait to look after any future grandchildren!! Grandparents can look after themselves.

No, and neither are parents obligated to look after their grandchildren. My parents have never babysat and I won't be caring for them either.

Yes. Absolutely. We live in a mutually dependant and supportive society. We should help those that need it. Starting with our elderly relatives and neighbours and hope the welfare state can help those with no family. If we have family though, yes I think it is our duty to help them.

This❤️

MIL has never helped with our DC. even when I was in hospital she CBA to come and help.

Fair enough, but I'm buggered if I'm going to help her out now.

Children owe the parents nothing true but when the child has children the child thinks the parents owe them free child care when they ask.

I agree with this, it’s how your parents brought you up, nothing to do with childcare. My mum was always clear that she had done her childcare and didn’t want to be childcare for grandchildren. That didn’t mean that she didn’t enjoy being a gran and having a lovely relationship with them. When she was ill, I took care of her and it was a privilege to do so. I really don’t understand the entitlement of some people, particularly on mumsnet, believing that GP owe them childcare.

I won’t be, my Mum wasn’t interested in us as children and showed zero interest in us as adults. Often wonder why she had 3 children, she wonders now why no one bothers with her, quite sad really. I do my duty visit every few months but that’s it, sounds harsh I know but yju can’t write off 50 years of being a ru bush parent

If they were good to you then be good to them .. only you know where that line lays

No, I absolutely do not expect my DC to look after me in my old age. They're free to live their lives. I will not be a burden.

I will help my parents if they need me. Not because I have to or because they want me to, but because I want to.

This. This thread is really depressing

Families should help each other
But not when there is abuse

For example my mother and step dad were excellent in all ways .. so providing help in their older age was an honour .. if they were nasty abusive arsed then ..no

You reap what you sow..

Exactly how I feel. I dropped everything to help my Mum because she was the most selfless lady ever !