Do you think children have a duty to help out elderly parents?

[Kendodd]

YANBU = yes they do
YABU = no they don't

Lots of threads on here recently about this and also about asking grandparents to babysit. General view (that I seem to be picking up) is they GP have no reason to help out with GC, even as a one off/emergency but children should help elderly parents.

I was asked if I was going to be a carer for my mother. My answer was a resounding fuck no!
a) because she wasn't a wonderful parent
b) because my mental health was already shit, so being with her everyday would have fucked me up completely.
c) because she never asked me and asked a friend of a family member who had caring experience.
I would never expect my kids to look after me in my old age. Would it be nice? Of course, but I will not be a burden.

The "duty" is like respect. It has to be earned. Giving birth to someone does not indebt that someone to the ones who birthed them. Parents who were loving, affectionate, nurturing and protective will naturally engender that filial duty. The ones who werent... will spend their old age whinging and complaining that they never see their children.

Well, my dad helped out loads when kids were wee, now I'm paying it back....

P.s
I will help out with my grandkids, and look forward to doing so!

Its not cut and dry to me but I find the idea 'oh I want a baby so I get pregant so I can have the baby then the baby grows and then has to look after me when I am old' (or the male version) weird

isnt it up to us as parents to do our best to minimise our needs and ensure we are to care for ourselves as much as possible? for when we are older ourselves

I will help my parents if convenient to me.
They have been unreliable when needing urgent help periodically with DC - ie forgetting to take Kids to school when passing my house to collect other older GC to give lifts to work.
They have groomed older GC by way of encouraging them to buy homes near them I suspect with the view to help them when needed. I detect an underlying narcissistic PD which has come to light in my adult years.

I think that it depends on the relationship. It shouldn't be a given.

I cut my narc Mum out of my life in my late teens. I feel absolutely no obligation to get whatsoever. Whenever there was contact, it was always challenging and she was always trouble.

My Dad on the other hand would do anything for us. Still pick us up from the pub at age 30 if we asked him to. Did my washing for me when I was at uni. Would come running if there was a problem with my car or at my flat. There is nothing I wouldn't do for him. Now that he has dementia, I am fiercely protective of him and do what I can to keep an eye and look after him. He used to say to us 'If I go doollally, drive me miles away and dump me on the side of the road'. There is no way we would ever do that but it shows his selfless nature.

My Stepmum can be lovely but has always puts herself first. When I wanted to meet up with my two babies because I was feeling lonely she'd usually be too busy even though she was retired.

So, I do what I can for her in the sense that I'm good at paperwork so made sure she has everything she is entitled to plus will give her lifts to appointments if I'm free. However, I feel no obligation and only do what suits me.

Sometimes I avoid her because she tends to scapegoat one of us amongst our siblings for months at a time and is very paranoid. It's part of her dementia but she was always a little bit odd like that so part of her personality. She could never understand why my Dad went out of his way to help us. So, I will help to a certain extent but not always drop everything, if you see what I mean.

So, what goes around, comes around imo.

It's not a duty but, as others have said, my privilege. I had the most wonderful parents growing up.
I tell my dc's not to interrupt their lives for me when the time comes though!

This is not as one sided as you are suggesting, although women in such societies tend to be the carers, the men are the ones typically financially supporting the parents.

Ultimately, if family are not supposed to care for their elders, who is? SOmeone has to do it. People have no obligation to do it for pay, if that is even an option. SO, I guess it's no one?

What is interesting to me about these discussions is that in plenty of cases the people that make this kind of argument, that we owe family nothing, have no duty, consider themselves politically progressive, and believe that there is a high duty of support to others in political contexts. It's as if it's ok if it's abstract, but not where the rubber hits the road.

My parents would have done anything for me and I would have done anything for them.
If nobody owes anybody anything, parents owe nothing to children, children owe nothing to parents then we may as well all be strangers.
There is little point in procreating if family ties dont exist

If my DF was alive I’d do it out of love, possibly duty, I don’t know I’m full of catholic guilt and baggage as a favourite victim of a narcissistic mother and although I know my DF was no Angel and didn’t stop it, if he was my remaining parent I’d be there like a shot to help him. My mother absofuckinglutly NOT. I don’t want to know or care about her.

Im saying this as someone who would absolutely care for other elderly relatives if I needed to. I’m not needed, I have lots of cousins who take care of their parents when needed though.

it’s more whether they were good parents to you that matters

Yep. I'm not sure why it's a secondary and later stage of the relationship that dictates many mumsnetters response to caring for their parents.

For the record I don't think that children should feel obliged to carry out care for parents when/if they reach the stage where they should be in a care home. But there's often an early stage where patients aren't quite as able to do things for themselves, particularly if they're widowed at that stage. And if you live within a reasonable distance and the parent was half way decent, surely you should step up of you can?

My mum was abusive. Fortunately for my brother and me, she went directly from active and independent to care home (following a catastrophic stroke). We still do duty visits and manage her finances and the more minor needs that she has. But I couldn't have cared for her.

Here in the UK, my government (in the form of Norman Tebbit) told me and my generation, when there were no jobs, that I should 'get on my bike' and move area to find work. So I did. And that's where I made my life, just like many others.

But following that instruction meant that I moved away from my parents, and wasn't easily available to then when they were old.

It was recognised within a couple of decades that we were the first generation to move away from family in great numbers, and that at some point it was going to come back to bite society when the parents got old. So no surprises now.

@saraclara Good point! Thanks to technology, my generation do have it easier in terms of helping out (not physical caring) as we can do so much online. Phone calls are much cheaper nowadays too so we can stay in touch and of course we’ve got texts, WhatsApp, Zoom, etc.

But yes, many of us were willing and encouraged to move away from our parents. None of my sixth form friends live in my home town. 🤷

Ideally if everyone gets on, does their bit and wants to then families help each other as needed if that's GC or GP. That's how my DHs family works. I would gladly take MIL in or help care, and it's how I hope my family will pan out.

My parents are the total opposite of this and so no I don't expect any help with GC and I won't physically care for them either though I'll make sure they're ok.

No but yet here I am 'managing my mum ' even though I don't want to and don't like the person she has become ..

It's a sad and shit situation 😫

First post nails it.

Its not just a question of parents and children, it’s the whole community network of which family is probably the centre.

There are individuals within that group who it will be difficult or impossible to help, sadly.