Is being well-presented as a child important

[JulesLl]

For context I have 2 boys, 3 and 5, SIL has 3 girls 2, 4 and 6.

Today MIL, SIL and I went out for lunch. SIL lives in a village, her husband is deputy head of a private school in the village and they get 75% discount on each of the children's fees, she doesn't work.
A lady came over to chat to us while we were eating and keep complimenting her on how "well turned out" her girls are everyday, how it is rare to see and speaks volumes about her parenting.
Her girls go to the type of school where they have wool coats, felt hats and tartan pinafores. She also does her older twos hair in 2 perfect French plaits everyday with ribbons on the end! Her girls will be frequently seen in lovely smock dresses and Mary Jane shoes like something from call the midwife!
They do get dirty but she seems to do a remarkable job of making sure they are perfectly presented. Including perfectly white tennis clothes for their lessons!!
On the other hand, my boys go to state school, polo and sweatshirt type place. Their clothes are always clean at the start of the day but I don't think they look particularly smart, DS1 finds a way to look scruffy no matter what. I don't really care, they are kids. Weekends are joggers and tees.
Whenever MIL has them she puts them in smart clothes, especially if it's a day out with the cousins. They will all go to national trust houses with the girls in dresses and she will put the boys in chinos and polos.
MIL continued the conversation after the lady moved on, saying she agrees and she loves how pretty they always look and her dream was always to have little blonde granddaughters in lovely dresses. She then joked my boys could do with taking a leaf out of their book.
It got me thinking, is it important for kids to be well presented? Especially just for everyday things like school? Are your kids like this or more like mine and scruffy?
AIBU to wonder if I'm letting my kids down not putting more effort into their appearance?

Sounds completely fascist to me, assuming that every time she takes them out it’s not to tea at Claridges, or some mysterious destination where women in trousers are frowned on…

I look awful most days at home. But when I go out, I always make sure I wash, smell good, clean hair, and well dressed.

But I always make sure my kids bathe often, never have greasy hair, well ironed clothes, clean shoes and coats.

When they go to parties, I always dress them well. Nice, thoughtful gifts given.

My kids are junior age and the parents and kids always comment on how beautiful they look, the other kids admire them too.

I do that for them. Firstly, because I love them and look after their hygiene and clothes etc. Secondly, to avoid any risk of bullying that I can prevent. Kids are cruel. I hear my kids come home and say how they heard a child being called smelly etc.

But overall, appearance is important.

I think it gives children a harmful message that their worth is linked to their appearance.

Our message is that clothes should be clean, comfortable and appropriate and that hair is out of the way if needed. My kids are independent and choose their own outfits so sometimes clash horrendously and I occasionally say "ooh you could try the black leggings with that to match the top" and I generally get a "no thanks I like the leopard print with the stripes it looks cool".

I think it matters somewhat.

Grooming is important for everyone as in clean, nice haircut, teeth brushed, clean fingernails, bathing, clothes that fit well and are in good repair, etc.

Do this now while they are young, and then you won't have to beg them to take a shower and use deodorant when they're older.

They'll be treated better in general to so there are no downsides to being well turned out a good part of the time. There's plenty of time for sloppy clothes at home.

I definitely think it's important to an extent but not the be all and end all. My DS6 has a smart short cropped hair cut which is kept neat by being trimmed every 6wks. I iron all of his school uniform which he wears for 2days before it is changed unless really messy. He does not go out in public in joggers unless we are on holiday or going somewhere that dictates it (climbing wall, bike ride). He does however get dirty no matter what I dress him in.

I think it gives children a harmful message that their worth is linked to their appearance.

I totally disagree with this sort of comment that's always floated about as some sort of get out clause.

I think it sends the message to children that they are loved and cared for enough that their parents take an active interest in clothing them nicely and with a sense of respect for the child and their environment.

I think when parents keep their kids shabbily dressed and untidy, it sends them the message that they aren't worthy of their parents care in this area.

And I think that because my own mother gave up on me for a few years, appearance wise, when I was too young to be able to care for myself and obviously couldn't afford my own clothes. It was embarassing to be uncoordinated and a bit scruffy and not be able to do much with my wild hair. It's horrible to look back at pictures of that time and see how downtrodden I looked.

It hurt to see other kids with their nice, matching clothes and hair nicely plaited. I'd wonder why my Mum didn't bother taking any time to make me look nice. And THAT made me feel unworthy.

As soon as I was able, I'd take the pocket money my Dad gave me and buy clothes from the 50p rail at C&A or headbands from the market to try and make me look like someone actually bothered about me.

Please don’t worry about this. I do know how you feel. My little boy is the same. He has a way of looking scruffy at times no matter how I try and have him well turned out. At times I feel a pang of guilt when I see how some other children are turned out. But He hates to wear smart clothes and just wants to be comfortable in cosy clothes and trainers. He will always run through the muck or spill something on his clothes, but they are always clean on him every morning and he will be showered in the morning. by the afternoon he comes home from school looking like he has been dragged through a hedge backwards. He gets changed into clean clothes to go out and bathed before bed again… but still, he somehow looks scruffy! I think that’s just some kids. 😭 so long as we are doing our best that is all we can do.

When I was a child, I had to wear hand me downs. I hated those clothes as choosing my own was important to me well before I ever reached school age. As a tot, I spent a lot of time putting my favourite night dress over the top of my day clothes as that was the thing I loved the most... I was bought some things, but not many so had to wear the hand me downs.

My mum didn’t take much pride in my appearance. The day of school photos when I was wearing whatever that day, my friend and another girl, (whose mums took pride in their appearance) were wearing the school uniform, which at the time was optional. Hair neatly done. And every year my mother would buy the group and individual photo and put them on display. Ugh!

For the group photo at age 5, I was wearing a t shirt I particularly hated. That photo taught me to loathe myself with a passion. Then there was also the individual photo of me 2 years apart wearing the same cardigan. Why do that to your child when you have so much bloody money? My mother’s explanation when I asked her about that photo was that I must have loved that cardigan. In reality I know that I did not. I just had next to nothing else to wear and I was not told to dress nicely that day. At age 10, I prioritised clothes for Christmas/ birthdays and finally, finally was old enough to organise myself, to have the right clothes and hairstyle for the photo. I made damn sure I looked good that day!! My smile was radiant. 😍

When I had my dd I swore I would never do the same to her. As a baby I bought her adorable clothes. She always had plenty of clothes, lots of dresses and party frocks along with jeans, leggings, shorts etc. I wasn’t precious about her appearance either, encouraged her to get dirty and messy as she didn’t like messing up her clothes - neither did I as a little girl. She took an interest in clothes and shoes from a young age and at 15 months, she started to decide what she wanted to wear.

Dd has always thought a lot about what she looks like. That doesn’t mean she was always dressed impeccably because she went through phases, such as to wearing leggings and character t shirts. She also had a favourite dress, which she wore about 4 months straight and it continually went through the washing machine until it was faded and looked awful. My stipulation was that if we were going to a special event, I got to choose the outfit.

As for her hair, this was a major major sticking point. She was an absolute tyrant about it and it had to be perfect. I also wanted to look perfect as a child but barely looked presentable.

All this to say, the preference for the child is very important. It is important to look good for special occasions, to be neat and tidy. If I’d had a boy, I wouldn’t have been dressing them in supermarket joggers every day but equally not chinos and a shirt daily either.

Deffo not important. If I ever have my own kids I presume they will be clean but barefoot, sandy and messy like their parents. As long as they are happy, kind and loved that's all they need.

Our Daughter goes to private school. She is taken to school clean, Hair plaited matching hair ties. Her uniform is shirt, tie, pinafore dress and cardigan. Her shirts are always white etc. I hate seeing jumpers with toothpaste on them! This would be the same which ever school she went to. Although I can’t help but feel lots of school uniforms are not that smart.
My husband and I had similar upbringing where we were always the children in scruffy clothes etc. We both have memories of feeling embarrassed although we were older more secondary school age but some memories of primary. My parents were not organised and this stressed me so I go over the top to make sure she isn’t the child without her swimming costume on swim day. My mum being really laid back and forgetting things has made me want to do it differently.
Our daughter on weekends and holidays wears what she wants. Often layers of random clothes starting with a swimsuit then leggings and Disney dresses. Only if we are going out to eat would I ask her to change. Then she was range of smart clothes to wear and it’s always her choice.

Her clothes are always clean at the start of the day, hair done, teeth brushed and we aim for a clean face. If I had boys I think I would be the same.

I think as long as they’re in clean clothes that fit them, with brushed hair and teeth- that’s fine.

She keeps chinos and polo shirts at her house and actually gets them changed to go to a National Tryst property?! 😂 That says so much about her and appearances.

Are you ok with that @JulesLl ?

I find that very strange.

She’d have a fit at my tween/teen boys. They love a jogger and a T-shirt and some old trainers. Some have rips in as I can’t keep up with the amount of clothing they go through. I don’t care if I’m judged on this. I’m more concerned that they are kind, confident and well adjusted! They also have longish floppy messy hair. (They are clean though!). I think children should be comfortable above all else.

it Is only important to me that my son is in clean clothes each day - not the style of the clothes. He’s in school uniform (polo, sweater and school trousers). Hair cut once every few months. Some days he comes back covered in mud from head to toe. On a weekend I struggle to get him to wear anything other than a T-shirt and joggers! He’s happy, comfortable and clean. If we go out for a nice dinner we may upgrade to jeans and a smart polo shirt. Couldn’t care less what other people think.

I kind of fall into both camps about this tbh, I always make sure my children look smart or presentable when going in to nursery/school but they always come out in a state (which I’m totally fine with as it shows they’ve had a good/engaging day) for parties and things I always make sure they are bathed, look nice and have hair done etc (both sexes)

I let my oldest choose their clothes in general day to day outside of school but always ensure hair is brushed/done properly and they generally look fine, I’m very much in the let kids be kids groups but I absolutely cannot abide the fashion of crop tops and bralets on young children so simply don’t buy them, I’d love my children to be in smock dresses/chinos all the time but in reality we’re more tees & leggings, cosy sweatshirts kind of family

It's a sexism thing, much more "important" for girls to be attractive 🙄

My boys are gorgeous, but get compliments on their personalities, manners and school achievements.
Somebody once did say "ooh your youngest is handsome, he's going to break some hearts when he's older" but generally I find boys are not complimented on looks as much.

I think it gives children a harmful message that their worth is linked to their appearance.

The thing is, whether we like it or not, we are judged on our appearance and there's never going to be any disadvantages to turning up somewhere clean, smart and well-presented.

If we were talking about make-up or body type then I would agree that it's harmful, but making sure your child is clean and looks well taken care of is never ever a bad thing. In fact, I think it can boost their self-esteem to know someone loves them enough to make sure they look smart.

It sounds like they have a more traditional uniform which might be triggering some nostalgia for this lady. I have a ds in state secondary and he goes out of his way to make his uniform look scruffy to fit in. They grow out of it, I don't know many men at work who have their shirt untucked or who would try to wear scruffy white Nikes to a wedding etc.

I wish my DS’ would wear nicer clothes but I’ve given up! I can just about get them into a pair of jeans if we go out for a meal, but otherwise weekends are always joggers and tees like yours. That’s what they want to wear, and after having to wear uniform all week (sweaters and polos like yours) I think it’s fair that they choose what to wear if we are only going to sports clubs/the park etc.

I would love to be able to dress them though! But they’re both too stubborn and refuse. It’s not a battle worth fighting.

It was never important to me. One of my boys was naturally tidy and still is quite fastidious as a teenager. My daughter was a little scruff, she climbed all the trees and jumped in all the puddles.

Thing is, ‘looking smart’ doesn’t necessarily mean the same thing to everyone.

It’s amazing the number of people who insist that the smartness of their sons is determined by their 6 weekly short haircuts, daily hair brushing and such like. But that only tells you about their taste.

Not all little boys must have short hair. And whether hair brushing is going to improve your hair is highly dependent on your hair type. (Brushing DS2’s hair will not make it smarter).

Being clean and smelling clean is different to many of the things that people insist constitute caring about your children’s appearances. There are people on this thread ironing things with collars and chinos and insisting that joggers are unacceptable. But, just as many people probably don’t associate small boys in ‘popping down the golf club’ outfits with ‘smart’ so much as ‘old fashioned’.

People have different taste. It doesn’t mean they care less about their or their children’s appearance than you do just because they choose to dress their preschool child in joggers rather than jeans.

The great thing about having teenagers is you get to experience their particular version of what the ‘right’ kind of appearance is. Turns out that many teenage boys do differentiate between joggers, T-shirts and hoodies and have opinions on what constitutes smart or scruffy within that. Same with trainers. Oh god. The opinions on trainers. 🤦🏻‍♀️

They should start the school day clean and tidy. You have no control over how they look when they come out.
They should look smart if they are going out for lunch with granny in a situation where everyone will have made an effort. I wouldn't wear joggers for lunch and wouldn't have dressed my children in them. I would absolutely have dressed them like that if we were walking in a wood with the dog.
It's important for children to grow up understanding that there are different clothes for different events and to feel comfortable wearing them. There is nothing wrong with looking smart and sometimes it is the only appropriate thing to wear. My BIL only feels comfortable in walking gear ( zip off leg trousers and a fleece). He has avoided attending events that require smarter clothes.

I’m finding the idea of dressing up to go to a National Trust property a bit odd!
I’ve got a boy and a girl. Much older now but when they were little I like to think I chose nice clothes for them but utterly refused to dress them formally.

When my daughter was little a friend of my mothers would always comment on how lovely she looked and what beautiful clothes she had on... but I realised I kind of dressed her up a bit more when I wasn't coping - I guess to hide the fact.
So when she was slobbing about the house in a baby grow with the tail bit flapping and banana all over her face, was when I was at peace with my parenting.
When she was tights, shoes, pinafore frock and prammed round to grannies was when I was unhappy and stressed!

I find this approach quite shocking and thankfully not something I've had to deal with.

lifebeginsaftercoffee
I agree with you.
Obviously some people go too far and are obsessed with image and their children fitting a certain aesthetic, which is wrong, but there's something to be said for being clean, well-presented and dressed appropriately for the situation.