Is being well-presented as a child important

[JulesLl]

For context I have 2 boys, 3 and 5, SIL has 3 girls 2, 4 and 6.

Today MIL, SIL and I went out for lunch. SIL lives in a village, her husband is deputy head of a private school in the village and they get 75% discount on each of the children's fees, she doesn't work.
A lady came over to chat to us while we were eating and keep complimenting her on how "well turned out" her girls are everyday, how it is rare to see and speaks volumes about her parenting.
Her girls go to the type of school where they have wool coats, felt hats and tartan pinafores. She also does her older twos hair in 2 perfect French plaits everyday with ribbons on the end! Her girls will be frequently seen in lovely smock dresses and Mary Jane shoes like something from call the midwife!
They do get dirty but she seems to do a remarkable job of making sure they are perfectly presented. Including perfectly white tennis clothes for their lessons!!
On the other hand, my boys go to state school, polo and sweatshirt type place. Their clothes are always clean at the start of the day but I don't think they look particularly smart, DS1 finds a way to look scruffy no matter what. I don't really care, they are kids. Weekends are joggers and tees.
Whenever MIL has them she puts them in smart clothes, especially if it's a day out with the cousins. They will all go to national trust houses with the girls in dresses and she will put the boys in chinos and polos.
MIL continued the conversation after the lady moved on, saying she agrees and she loves how pretty they always look and her dream was always to have little blonde granddaughters in lovely dresses. She then joked my boys could do with taking a leaf out of their book.
It got me thinking, is it important for kids to be well presented? Especially just for everyday things like school? Are your kids like this or more like mine and scruffy?
AIBU to wonder if I'm letting my kids down not putting more effort into their appearance?

I think it matters that they’re suitably dressed for the occasion. As a child my mum never seemed to dress us in anything appropriate - we had 1 coat year round, so if it was raining in warmer weather, we would have to boil alive in our thick winter coats or just get drenched. Ditto shoes - we only had 1 pair of trainers which became tatty very quickly from wearing in situations when wellies would’ve been more appropriate. It’s like she just didn’t see clothes as items worth spending money on, and couldn’t be bothered with the faff.

Aside from that clothes should just be clean and nails/hair tidy, no need for frilly frocks and matching ribbons (unless they want to wear that kind of thing). MIL wants me to dress DD like she’s in an American child beauty pageant but DD is happiest in leggings and t shirts, so that’s what she wears.

• I meant some of the most neglected but well dressed, ' well turned out' children I've met were immaculate looking and typically middle class.

It’s a good part of what the MIL is praising though. And the ribbons and mary Jane’s and such like that bring the same aesthetic to non-school time.

and the OP is being criticised for falling short of it.

Personally, I would actively be put off a school by a stupid sepia toned England in the 1950s style uniform.

The problem here is the MIL, obviously. If the SIL wants to be typing ribbons in hair, she can knock herself out. It’s the hyacinth bucket MIL that is rubbish here.

Each to their own. I know one kid who isn't allowed to cut her hair or wear trousers (13yo) and was always put in Victoriana clothes as a small child. She cried to my DC one day in primary that it takes hours to do her hair and she dreaded bath time with all the brushing. She just wanted to climb trees but wasn't allowed to. Image meant a lot to their family and still does.

It's more about what's appropriate. DS7 goes to an independent school and while I tried to get him to wear the polo shirts in Reception, he prefers the school t-shirts and wears them with jeans and waterproof trainers. (Our uniform policy permits quite a range of items, including school hoodies.) He needs to be comfortable.
Most of the girls wear the same, although some opt for the dresses instead. They aren't frilly ones, either, though. Our school is keen on school clothes being practical.
Outside of school, he usually wears jeans or normal trousers and t-shirts/hoodies. I'm not a fan of joggers outside of sports sessions so he only has some for PE.

I don't tend to insist on formal clothes unless there is a special occasion. For my nan's 90th birthday, he wore a shirt and blazer but it's not something he'd usually wear.

It's probably easier to dress girls in cutesy clothes. I once taught a little girl, whose mum used to send her to school in some really amazing designer outfits. Luckily, she wasn't bothered about those getting messy since her daughter loved to play in the mud, climb trees and would get into fights quite frequently.

Surely of your children are going out for the day you make sure they are dressed well? Playing in the park is very different to visiting a Stately home.

It's interesting, they are perfectly allowed to play, I've seen them up trees and they have a massive garden with trampoline, swings, sand pit you name it.
They just never really wear hoodies or joggers. Lots of dungarees, denim shorts with tights and Ralph Lauren jumpers layered over collared tops.
Then an equal amount of smocked dresses and similar.
Their play is never disrupted by the clothes.

There are 4 private schools near us and all have some variant of felt hat and tartan pinafore.

I know their school has lots of extra kit though, sports kits, ballet kit, forest school kit.

I was with you until you said joggers. No one looks decent in them, and children should be able to do up a pair of jeans or other trousers.

Is it? Visiting a stately home usually means a National Trust place so outdoor play will be a big part of the day too. Mine would be dressed exactly the same for that as they would to go to the park

I'm always amazed at the willingness of these children. My youngest from about 18 months old flatly refused to wear dresses, insisting on wearing trousers especially one particular pair of leggings. Being 'presentable' was just never going to happen.

At that age my boys wore shorts or jeans with a t shirt trainers or wellies . They had one shirt each for special occasions . Joggers or cargos with zip pockets took over as soon as they hit the tween stage and started going out on their own . We are a longtime grown up - kids should be kids.

Would I be wrong to assume SIL is MIL's daughter? If she is, then it's not hard to figure out why she prioritises the dressing up. I'd wonder if SIL was lacking somewhat in self-esteem and whether MIL was a rather controlling mother. Her pointed remark about well-dressed children would suggest that's the case.

You’d stand out at most national trust places if you dressed your kids like it was an Enid Blyton cosplay event.

The cafe is generally full of dog walkers, families in wellies and such like.

Exactly. So mine would be in jeans/joggers/leggings etc. I don't understand why you'd be dressed differently for a visit to a stately home than a park but the PP did.

I don't care about posh clothes so much but make sure I keep my child looking clean. He's 7 and I cut his nails regularly, take him for regular haircuts, wash his school jumper and leave it to dry overnight if it's gotten covered in lunch at school. But he does wear joggers and t shirts.
I don't want anyone thinking he's scruffy or dirty or noticing long fingernails. But I don't care if people don't like his clothes.

Appropriate dress isn't always "dressed well".

Clean clothes and children, decent manners, and ability to match demeanour to the surroundings matter more imo.

I wouldn't have focused my attention on how my DCs' were dressed if visiting a stately home or museum or any other similar environment. I wouldn't have wanted them to think their own normal clothing or self presentation wasn't good enough or needed an upgrade. I would have tried to avoid the suggestion that their normal wasn't good enough.

Yes. With a side order of social aspirationalism from the way the OP describes it. Hasn’t anyone yet said that UMC children, according to Mn, are invariably artistically grubby, wearing mismatched sequinned top and wellies, or ballet tutus and holey jumpers, with long, unbrushed hair on both sexes? Just as dukes are always dressed in moth-eaten tweeds accessorised with black labs and a bone rattling estate car?

To be brutally frank, I'd say they were a pair of Hyacinth Buckets.

I think it’s important- kids can be well presented And comfortable. My kid always has a neat haircut, clean clothes, although they’re comfy they are also quite nice looking. He often gets compliments.

My cousin was always the perfect little rosy cheeked, bonnet wearing, privately educated little girl. Completely rebelled in her teen years, huge fallings out with her dad about make up etc.. 52 now, tattoos and heavy metal clothing. Give it a few years, OP!

I always think just dress for the occasion. I never felt the desire to kit my boys out in chinos and polo shirts for an everyday trip to the park (nor would they have wanted to dress that way).

Your SIL probably feels that she has to present them that way as her DH works in the school.

I have two girls - I’ve never been able to do the hair - wish I could do a decent ponytail! But I can’t. I also prefer practicable clothes over dresses and tights. They’ve grown into two well rounded now 14 & 20 year olds - thankfully can do their own hair now! And confident in dressing up or down.

My friends daughter was always expected to be clean and well presented, dresses, tights, never a hair out of place. At around 14 she rebelled against her mother’s expectations. And very much has her own identity and is confident in how she dresses - her Mum not so much but accepts it.

As my FiL often said about my girls growing up - they are happy, always smiling and a joy to be around - would rather be exploring than sat at a table being prim and proper.

MIL may see it as an "aesthetic" but to the girls (and the parents) it's probably just normal. I was privately educated and you are expected to be smart, neatly turned out and presentable every day. Smart hairstyles again is normal and many schools won't even allow you to wear your hair down if it's below a certain length.

Private school can be like a whole different world sometimes, especially when it come to appearances.

I agree that OP shouldn't be being criticised though.

Not a parent but started a post like this to suggest this seems ok to me but this is worded better.. The child is obviously clean and well looked after at the beginning of the day but if they get mud, paint or bean juice on their clothes or their tie or hair becomes untidy well that’s part and parcel of being a child.

If I see ‘overdressed’ children dressed like little Victorians it’s not middle/upper class that comes to mind.

Kids have their own tastes from a young age, within reason I prefer letting them have the space to express that, especially since they wear uniform at school.

I think totally to each their own. Saw a lady the other day in a long camel coat and trousers, and a cream polo neck, heels, hair straightened and when her kids came out they are as immaculate as if they’d just been got ready for hours. Some people look like this, some don’t. I think it’s important not to aim to be something that’s totally not you, it just gets you and the kids too stressed.