Is being well-presented as a child important

[JulesLl]

For context I have 2 boys, 3 and 5, SIL has 3 girls 2, 4 and 6.

Today MIL, SIL and I went out for lunch. SIL lives in a village, her husband is deputy head of a private school in the village and they get 75% discount on each of the children's fees, she doesn't work.
A lady came over to chat to us while we were eating and keep complimenting her on how "well turned out" her girls are everyday, how it is rare to see and speaks volumes about her parenting.
Her girls go to the type of school where they have wool coats, felt hats and tartan pinafores. She also does her older twos hair in 2 perfect French plaits everyday with ribbons on the end! Her girls will be frequently seen in lovely smock dresses and Mary Jane shoes like something from call the midwife!
They do get dirty but she seems to do a remarkable job of making sure they are perfectly presented. Including perfectly white tennis clothes for their lessons!!
On the other hand, my boys go to state school, polo and sweatshirt type place. Their clothes are always clean at the start of the day but I don't think they look particularly smart, DS1 finds a way to look scruffy no matter what. I don't really care, they are kids. Weekends are joggers and tees.
Whenever MIL has them she puts them in smart clothes, especially if it's a day out with the cousins. They will all go to national trust houses with the girls in dresses and she will put the boys in chinos and polos.
MIL continued the conversation after the lady moved on, saying she agrees and she loves how pretty they always look and her dream was always to have little blonde granddaughters in lovely dresses. She then joked my boys could do with taking a leaf out of their book.
It got me thinking, is it important for kids to be well presented? Especially just for everyday things like school? Are your kids like this or more like mine and scruffy?
AIBU to wonder if I'm letting my kids down not putting more effort into their appearance?

It's about being appropriate for the occasion (and the weather) and being generally clean. Joggers have their place, as do shiny shoes. You don't wear your gym clothes to a wedding or your party shoes hill walking. It's surprising how many adults don't really get that. I don't think it's negative to start in childhood.
That said, a friend's child was the most be-bowed and French-plaited little girl. At 16, she now has a 'wolf cut' and dresses herself in black sacks whatever the occasion. 🤣

Mine are scruffy. 2 sons, 7 and 8. We live rurally and spend a lot of time outdoors. Bikes, walks, ponies, trees, puddles....they get filthy playing outside. They dress practically - comfort, warmth. They usually have a pair of chinos or cords and a shirt or 2 for "occasions". They dont like jeans so the rest of the time it's joggers

If we are going out I've always dressed my DC up in good clothes as opposed to their everyday clothes. I must admit my DD kept her clothes perfectly clean whereas my 2 DS's did not.

My sister does this for her DGC and she has kept it up and they are late teens now. If she's taking them out they just change into chinos and polo shirts with collars and a dress for granddaughters.

I have 4 DC and they were always absolutely immaculate according to everyone else when younger. DS’s in chino trousers and shorts with polos or proper shirts too. A lot of white tops. DD in smocked and linen dresses, linen trousers, flowery skirts, little bolero cardigans etc. DD’s hair always done perfectly (DH did it most of the time as he was amazing at plaiting and ponytails in lots of different styles). DSs got a short back and sides every 6 weeks. DD was never put in leggings and DSs only wore joggers if we were going on a weekend walk.

They were bathed and hair washed every night. Always used conditioner on their hair so it was glossy, clean clothes every day. Nails done on a Sunday night.

It was always mentioned how ‘shiny’ my DC were. I was really proud of them and really enjoyed taking care of them so didn’t find it particularly hard. Of course they climbed trees, rolled in mud, dropped found and drink down themselves. I just changed them before we went out again. They weren’t stopped from doing anything.

Now they’re grown up, older DSs generally look like they live on the streets and have been dragged through a hedge backwards, DD lives in leggings when not at work, but I always look back on how they were turned out when they were little with pride. It was for my enjoyment of them not to try and impress other people.

As long as the kids aren't obviously neglected then no, it doesn't matter.

Parents who insist on treating their kids like dolls and dressing them up are a bit weird, imo.

Mine too.

The hyacinth bucket MIL has clearly misjudged the appropriate dress for middle class child at NT site. IME it’s this. That particular image is taken from the John Lewis website. Of course it is.

Both of mine - DD7 and DS4 - live in joggers or leggings and hoodies. They have a wealth of clothes, but always manage to pick out the ones that clash. They both wore joggers, jumpers and wellies on a recent NT trip, because the aim was to spend more time in the outdoors than the house. None of the volunteers care what kids are wearing -in my experience, most are just happy children are visiting at all. Mine know how to wipe their boots off at the door, and ask a lot of questions, both of which usually goes down well.

They don't look neat as a pin, but they look like they happily dressed themselves. That's more important to me than being immaculately turned out. Also means I'm less bothered when they get filthy.

I love the old fashioned style of girls' clothes which my DD has been rejecting since she was 3yo in favour of Paw Patrol top and leggings. I am envious of mothers whose kids let them dress then haha

Mine start off clean, but they are dirt magnets. Both dyslexic, one dyspraxic so it doesn't take much for spills and slops to happen. Practical and comfortable are priorities They're also sensory and have strong preferences about what they favour and refuse and have from a young age.

They have a smart outfit each for the odd special occasion, although recently for funerals, DS's secondary uniform is pretty much a black suit anyway so that's an easy tick and something he is accustomed to wearing.

The last time we went to the NT, we were in sports wear which was handy for the woodland obstacle course. It was me that belly-flopped off a balance beam into the mud.

I like scrubbing up for special occasions, but day to day, I'm as comfortable and practical as possible. This was very handy last week in a situation which involved a few minutes of max-pace sprinting and a 999 call. It's a good job that I hadn't prioritised random notions of aesthetics that day.

DM liked fancy outfits and I had a disproportion of clothes for special occasions compared to every day wear. I really noticed when I went into non-uniform 6th form and struggled with enough sensible casual wear to get through the week .

There's no virtue in splurging on designer labels and recreating the Famous Five or mini middle-aged classic styles.

I dress DD exclusively in leggings and t-shirts, she can’t sit still so she may as well be comfortable, plus she always manages to put holes in them within a few weeks, hair usually in disarray by the time she gets home from pre-school covered in bruises etc.

She basically likes rolling around in dirt (likes coming home with her pockets stuffed full of stones and twigs). So no to me it doesn’t really matter if she’s well turned out, it matters more that she can do the things she wants to do in the clothes she’s wearing. She dresses for the lifestyle she leads 🙄.

A basic minimum of cleanliness, and tidiness as relevant to what you are doing, is all you need concern yourself with. It's very old fashioned to come and praise how well turned out someone's children are, and to link that to parenting achievements. And it's best not to give children, and I'd say even moreso girls, hang-ups about their worth having anything to do with the quality of their appearance.

My youngest left home looking like an angel in her uniform each morning.

A bedraggled swamp beast generally fell out of the classroom door come 3.15pm, dragging at least one item of clothing behind her. She was by far the most dramatic transformation in the course of a day out of the kids in her class - I think some of the parents found it quite amusing compared to their still pristine/the same as when they walked in children. On the bright side, it made it easy to see whether she'd at least had some of her yoghurt, done any art or had been playing on the field at lunchtime, I suppose.

Any random person could compliment me on her presentation within the first ten minutes of anything, but by 10 minutes and 30 seconds? All bets were off.

I never enjoyed being the scruffy kid going into school with too tight, greying socks, stained and creased clothes and things that never fitted properly, so I at least tried to give her a start of feeling comfortable.

her dream was always to have little blonde granddaughters in lovely dresses

Oh dear, lucky they weren't born with dark or red hair so

It used to be more important than it is now.

I personally feel it's still important but amongst my circle it appears to be almost a race to the bottom in terms of how unkempt and scruffy looking the kids are sent out.

I'm talking very wealthy people sending their privately educated kids out in stained, bobbled clothes full of holes...one acquaintance who'll happily spend £1k+ on a new dress or handbag for herself, chops the feet or arms off her baby girl's stained, bobbled, faded sleepsuits or leggings when they get too small rather than buy her a new pack from a supermarket or something. Her older daughter is sent out in the exact same baggy, faded and stained sweater and holed leggings with her hair unbrushed, falling in her eyes, snot and food crusted on her face from the day before. We often meet in "naice" restaurants/hotels and I'm worried people think they are my kids and I'm neglecting them. They honestly look like orphans you used to see on the TV in Romania when I was a child. Meanwhile Mum is sat there, immaculate in a cashmere coat, Louboutins and an Armani dress.

I used to work in the care industry. CQC would have had a field day if we'd let our clients out with old badly fitting, stained clothes with holes all over and food etc crusted on their faces. We'd be seen as neglecting them and depriving them of dignity. Rightly.

You can raise a child to have values, be kind and have fun AND take a bit of pride in keeping them well cared for looking too. People act like you can't do both.

I think if your dad is head of a private school it probably is important to look smart because you’re a walking advert for the school.

I always like my kids to wear nice clothes, but then they’re not the type of kids to get themselves covered in mud or roll around on the floor, if they were I probably wouldn’t put them in ‘smart’ clothes except on special occasions.

Rude of your MIL and if she really felt she had to say something then she should be directing that at her son. Not bullying you. I wouldn't want to go for lunch with her again.

Lets be honest, the way your children are dressed is an indication of social class. What you MIL is really saying is that your children look (and probably act and speak, I'd guess) more working class than the girls.

As others have said, the upper classes have that intangible 'something' that means they can get away with sending their children out looking like street urchins. Most people don't have that, and therefore the way children are dressed, together with the way they speak and behave, are seen by your MIL and many others, rightly or wrongly, as a direct reflection of social class. That reflects on her also when she is in their company. She can't control how they speak and behave in the short term but she can have a good attempt at controlling the way they dress/look.

DT’s went to an international school - they dressed in jeans and hoodies on days out same as the majority of other children.

Haha I’ve got girls and not all girls are easy to make presentable!! I used to send my youngest out in clean uniform and lovely hair tied in whatever request she made that day b it she always came home looking like she had been dragged through a hedge backwards. Being left handed meant she permanently had whiteboard marker and later handwriting one all up the side of her hand. She always had food down her too and her legs where she wiped her hands. She has curly hair and it never looks tidy. It starts off tidy but fairly soon isn’t. At home she likes to wear joggers and T-shirts but has also recently started to dress a bit nicer since starting high school so nice trouser/jogging type bottoms, effort with her hair, nice top etc. But she still comes home covered in mud!!

My eldest lives in Jeans and a hoody. She makes no effort with her hair and never wears makeup. She does have some nicer clothes for going out to nice dinners etc with family but still doesn’t bother with her hair and make up. She’s a teen and autistic.

My DM recently commented when our one day for lunch and asked the when they were going to start to dress up in love pretty dresses like girls should. 😬 Erm never I suspect. But they can look pretty in other nice clothes. Neither are girly girls. My DM does comment though that standards these days have slipped. She says this to me as a woman who lives in jeans and a hoody myself and DM Boots. I’ve always dressed for comfort but do know my audience and will dress up in the occasions requires such.

I have two sons (4&6) for the past year or so, they have been allowed to choose their own clothes. DS4 loves pink, rainbow colours, animals and princesses so has a mixture of clothes from both the boys and girls sections, some dresses, some pink tracksuits, he rocks it. I could persuade him into a shirt for a short period of time, as long as he could choose it.
DS(6) loves Minecraft and Pokémon teeshirts, but won't wear jeans so is always in joggers outside of school, all labels cut out and Asda (thank god!) do a sensory range so he wears their trousers! Again, he understands the need to dress for an occasion so would tolerate a soft shirt for an occasion.
Both boys are showered with hair washes on a Wednesday and a Sunday. Face, hands, bum and willy hot cloth wash all other days before bed. Face and hands every morning. Teeth twice a day, hair kept short so no brushing required. I try never to have a snotty, crusty nose on either of them.
I don't think they're "well turned out" but definitely not "scruffy" either.

My 7yr old daughter is very outdoorsy -we have horses and so she is normally covered in mud, Straw and other things probably best not mentioned. She has no interest in wearing dresses or how she looks and her hair could be beautifully blonde with a natural wave but is always knotty and looks like she has been dragged through a hedge backwards dispite my best efforts (and the fact it probably was genuinely dragged through a hedge backwards) 🙄 it's who she is 🤷‍♀️. Her headteacher made a comment in class about it though which has made her a bit self conscious. They have years of worrying about their appearance I'd much rather she was outside enjoying herself than looking pristine.

I got compliments like this when my DC were young- probably not as well turned out as your DN - my DC also went to state school , cant do a french plait to save my life and definitely no tennis whites! But at weekends they did have " smart casual" / mini boden ish style clothes - usually with elasticated waist so comfy!
I have both DDs and DS they didn't live in joggers and trainers-.
But of course its not essential - it's up to you what you dress them in.

It's more about being dressed appropriately for the occasion. So school uniform was always clean and smart. Going out for a birthday lunch would mean a nice dress, tights and polished shoes. Relaxing at home would mean soft joggers and sweatshirts. Being out and about in cold weather would mean warm coat, gloves and boots.

A nightly bath and clean underwear every day was just a given.

You sound dismissive and slightly judgmental of the fact that she dresses the girls nicely, have the privilege of going to a private school, and she is a SAHM. Shes made a choice to dress them in a certain way, and if the girls are happy, then why shouldn't they? Also nothing wrong with you dressing your boys more casually.