Is being well-presented as a child important

[JulesLl]

For context I have 2 boys, 3 and 5, SIL has 3 girls 2, 4 and 6.

Today MIL, SIL and I went out for lunch. SIL lives in a village, her husband is deputy head of a private school in the village and they get 75% discount on each of the children's fees, she doesn't work.
A lady came over to chat to us while we were eating and keep complimenting her on how "well turned out" her girls are everyday, how it is rare to see and speaks volumes about her parenting.
Her girls go to the type of school where they have wool coats, felt hats and tartan pinafores. She also does her older twos hair in 2 perfect French plaits everyday with ribbons on the end! Her girls will be frequently seen in lovely smock dresses and Mary Jane shoes like something from call the midwife!
They do get dirty but she seems to do a remarkable job of making sure they are perfectly presented. Including perfectly white tennis clothes for their lessons!!
On the other hand, my boys go to state school, polo and sweatshirt type place. Their clothes are always clean at the start of the day but I don't think they look particularly smart, DS1 finds a way to look scruffy no matter what. I don't really care, they are kids. Weekends are joggers and tees.
Whenever MIL has them she puts them in smart clothes, especially if it's a day out with the cousins. They will all go to national trust houses with the girls in dresses and she will put the boys in chinos and polos.
MIL continued the conversation after the lady moved on, saying she agrees and she loves how pretty they always look and her dream was always to have little blonde granddaughters in lovely dresses. She then joked my boys could do with taking a leaf out of their book.
It got me thinking, is it important for kids to be well presented? Especially just for everyday things like school? Are your kids like this or more like mine and scruffy?
AIBU to wonder if I'm letting my kids down not putting more effort into their appearance?

No they do have play clothes, but quite often it will be smock dresses, not always.

Even their play clothes are lovely though, always Boden or Joules, even Ralph Lauren jumpers etc. They are allowed to get dirty but even their get dirty clothes are high end!

DS and his friends start the day at school in clean clothes, with clean hand and faces, brushed hair. Boys and girls frequently come out with hands and faces covered in mud, ripped trousers, tops hanging out, hair standing on end, jumper sleeves wet and muddy "from the pond". One of the girls had leaves stuck in her hair today. A couple of girls and boys he doesn't play with much come out as smartly as they went in! I'm glad school give the option of drawing / rambling in bushes to suit all types. It is also an age thing; mucky works for primary age but you would hope at 11 that kids can both dress smartly and stay smart as needed.

It’s important to me because as a DC I was always dressed in DBro’s old hand-me-downs. Clean and respectable, but I HATED wearing navy track suits and t-shirts when my friends were all in pretty clothes.
It does really matter to [some] DC.

😂😂😂😂 This actually made me laugh. You should see the state of mine sometimes 😂

Well exactly !

No, my boys were always in joggers or shorts and tshirts when they were little, except for a party or special occasion. They were clean and tidy at the start of the day and usually a bit scruffy and in need of a wash by the end! 😂 your MIL and SIL sound a bit snobby and superficial to be honest, like it's all for show? Children are not little dolls to dress up!

She then joked my boys could do with taking a leaf out of their book.

That was rude of her. I was one of those kids: perfect French braid etc. I often look a right scruff as an adult.

It does not matter, but it matters to be appropriately dressed.

My kids always get muddy with the best of them but I make sure their trainers are washed and clean straight afterwards.

I also iron their uniforms and polish their shoes.

I won't iron their everyday t shirts but do iron their best clothes.

I find it sad to think some parents are really this concerned about keeping up appearances. As long as children are happy and loved, a bit of mud or a non-matching outfit is completely unimportant. Personally I think it's unhelpful to teach dc that appearances are everything and random peoples' opinions trump their own preferences or comfort.

I think there’s a fine line between being well presented all the time and allowing kids to have fun and get a bit mucky.
I do think it’s important for kids to be well put together, especially if we’re going for lunch, out for the day, seeing family. I think it sets up good habits as they get older and creates a self of self worth. But when you’re sacrificing the kids having a fun childhood for being smart then that’s not good either.

I would be tempted to think the opposite of whatever was said by the person who always dreamed of 'little blonde granddaughters in lovely dresses'.

I find that a very odd and specific thing to dream of and also a bit sexist.

Parenting is teaching children what attire is appropriate for the circumstances.

For example:
School- uniform, smart, clean (on arrival!)
Weddings- no hoodies, trainers
Parties- depends on guest list
Playing out- clean.

Everything is proportionate to the circumstances

I've taught my children to take some care over their appearance as carelessness over clothing etc quickly becomes as a bad habit. A 7 year old for eg, does not need to spill yogurt on their top every day, they can learn to be careful.

I also think its reasonable to teach children that in certain/occasions or locations, its polite and thoughtful to dress appropriately - a smart or culturally appropriate outfit for a wedding in a religious building, something a bit special for a party, tidy school uniform.

To me its about respect. My children have never complained about school uniform or smarter clothing being less comfortable.

I’m not sure French braided pigtails, felt hats and tartan pinafores are necessarily the yard stick for most people’s idea of how children should dress - for any occasion.

I assume that this OP’s MIL is basically hyacinth bucket.

French braided pigtails, felt hats and tartan pinafores
It sounds like a stereotype of 1950s middle class Englishness.

It seems to be the norm for private school uniforms around here!

Well thereis that to it. Children will want to fit in. At 4 DS had lovely flowing blond locks, after 1 term in reception he had a buzz cut. Once you have learnt to do them french plaits don't take that long.

I agree. I thought I made my opinions quite clear- Appropriate clothes for appropriate circumstances.

Would you rather I put a long winded post slating other people’s opinions?

My DD went through a phase when she was about 4 of liking dresses.

She had a short blonde bob, and wearing dresses she got cooed over everywhere.

She wasn't well presented, more white, blond, and wearing a cute dress.

She grew out of that phase and started wearing purple instead and no-one ever cooed over her again,

It's not well presented so much as the "favoured" race and the "favoured" hair colour and a dress.

My grandad always used to buy me dresses, somewhat to my mum's despair as I refused to wear them. I also got a crew cut age 11 as I was bored of dealing with hair.

There are maybe three occasions I could be described as well-presented in my life. It's never held me back. (Although to be fair as a maths graduate and a woman people expect me to be weird)

It’s not important and I’d also be very surprised if their out of uniform way of dressing didn’t change quite soon. Our DC went to an independent school. Once they were in prep, what the girls wore on non uniform days was very crop top and skin tight leggings based, more so than those at the local primary. The boarding girls at the public school look like Love Island cast members when they are not in school. With the boys they dress like wannabe road men

That's their school uniform, though. It's not like they have much choice over it!

OP, if your kids are clean, fed, loved and warm then you're an amazing mum.

My kids, I like to think, are well turned out and I do get compliments on the way that I dress them. But! Kids will be kids and they get dirty, and that's fine by me! For children to stay clean 24/7, unless they are the type of child who just doesn't like being dirty (which is absolutely fine!), is nigh on impossible.

It's important to have clean clothes, and be bathed and well fed. The girls uniforms you describe sound like Anne of Green Gables and the kind of things older people love. It's probably the hair and uniform. Believe me none of these things are a red flag for neglect.

It's likely his job has a lot to do with this "Pillar of the community" type roles can bring their own stressors on he family.

Dressed for the occasion is the must important factor and that the children are allowed to be children whether dress in 'nice'clothes or not.

If your MiL changed the boys out of trackies and into chinos and then spent the whole day telling them off for playing incase they get muddy that's not ok but if they were allowed to just get on with it that's fine.

Reading MNet it seems that there are scruffy stages,

1. scruffy, neglected, uncared for - no money, unemployed, MH, addiction issues
2. tidy, well presented, told off if they mess their clothes if in nice clothes - working class
3. tidy, well presented, allowed to play and get messy in anything - middle/upper class
4. scruffy, cared for, no one to impress - old money,

I don't quite know where this would put me as I'm a (clean) scruff, and teen DD likes to be immaculately turned out and plans her outfits carefully often to be found in a shirt and waist coat at the weekend