Is being well-presented as a child important

[JulesLl]

For context I have 2 boys, 3 and 5, SIL has 3 girls 2, 4 and 6.

Today MIL, SIL and I went out for lunch. SIL lives in a village, her husband is deputy head of a private school in the village and they get 75% discount on each of the children's fees, she doesn't work.
A lady came over to chat to us while we were eating and keep complimenting her on how "well turned out" her girls are everyday, how it is rare to see and speaks volumes about her parenting.
Her girls go to the type of school where they have wool coats, felt hats and tartan pinafores. She also does her older twos hair in 2 perfect French plaits everyday with ribbons on the end! Her girls will be frequently seen in lovely smock dresses and Mary Jane shoes like something from call the midwife!
They do get dirty but she seems to do a remarkable job of making sure they are perfectly presented. Including perfectly white tennis clothes for their lessons!!
On the other hand, my boys go to state school, polo and sweatshirt type place. Their clothes are always clean at the start of the day but I don't think they look particularly smart, DS1 finds a way to look scruffy no matter what. I don't really care, they are kids. Weekends are joggers and tees.
Whenever MIL has them she puts them in smart clothes, especially if it's a day out with the cousins. They will all go to national trust houses with the girls in dresses and she will put the boys in chinos and polos.
MIL continued the conversation after the lady moved on, saying she agrees and she loves how pretty they always look and her dream was always to have little blonde granddaughters in lovely dresses. She then joked my boys could do with taking a leaf out of their book.
It got me thinking, is it important for kids to be well presented? Especially just for everyday things like school? Are your kids like this or more like mine and scruffy?
AIBU to wonder if I'm letting my kids down not putting more effort into their appearance?

Not excessively so, her nails are always done and hair nice and she dresses well but certainly doesn't seem to spend an excessive amount of time on it. She's tall and very attractive, most people compliment her looks over all else despite her having a masters degree and being a talented tennis player. I wonder if she's so used to that being what is complimented that she thinks it's more important than it really is.

It feels like the OP has been written in a way it’s hard to disagree with and to invite negative comments about the SIL. Not many people are going to say that having ribbons in your children’s hair is the key to good parenting.

Horses for courses. There’s a line between “happily relaxed scruffiness” and “squalor and neglect” which we’d all put in a slightly different place and not necessarily logically (I don’t care if my kids are muddy from playing outside that day but would hate them to be in yesterday’s unwashed clothes, although those clothes might be cleaner.) Assuming you’re within the normal range it’s fine, same goes for your SIL.

She keeps clothes for all the kids at her house, she doesn't "believe" in joggers or tees, so polos and chinos it is there!

It's the start for training girls and women to accept that the only thing of importance is how they look.

I'd like to see her keep this up as they get older.

This.

There is ‘well presented’ as in fundamentally clean and well cared for, ‘well presented’ as in dressed up.

It’s important for children to be cared for and about- and washing them, brushing their hair, giving them clean clothes that fit is part of that. Children should be ‘well presented’ in that way.

You can tell the difference between a child like this who is covered in picnic food and mud, or has refused to brush their hair that morning, or is wearing a serviceable coat even if it looks a bit worn, and one who is neglected.

Mine wear the set school uniform which always starts off clean, at home they dress themselves but if we are going out they will be in shoes/shirt or dress as appropriate to the event.

Mud always washes out and I don’t buy anything white!

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer, here. Ultimately, it boils down to values and what you personally consider to be important.

Personally, I think appearances are pretty superficial, and as long as a child is clean, comfortable and vaguely presentable, it doesn't really matter. As a parent, I focused far more on other qualities that I considered to be a higher priority, but some people really do care about the image that they present for the rest of the world, and I guess that's their prerogative.

On NT days out my DSs would be in jeans and t shirts/sweatshirts, and I don’t see why they needed to have been in Chinos and polos. I would dress them smartly for pub lunch DGPs birthdays, but not days out.

I always aimed for appropriate for the occasion with my boys - school uniform, always clean and ironed, running around/relaxing at home - joggers, dinner out, family gatherings, etc - jeans/chinos and a casual shirt/more formal shirt. The same with my daughter - she had lots of lovely dresses which she enjoyed wearing and then more casual clothes. I never ever bought my children clothes with a cartoon character theme, sports clothes were doe sports only, etc. Always clean, regular hair-cuts, shoes and runners - clean and not scruffy.

Personally, I think too many children and adults dress dreadfully these days.

My kids are grown up now but when they were growing up we lived in a really mixed, urban area and I found it was lower income families (or rather those where the parents had grown up in lower income families) who did their kids up nicely, so siblings with matching outfits, immaculate hair and everything co-ordinated and ironed, just normal days as well as special days out. The better off families kids always looked a shambles, holes in the clothes, messy unbrushed hair, nothing matching etc.

Children have enough to worry about these days without the added worry of being perfectly dressed. When my boys were very little I used to put them in lovely check shirts, cords , fair isle jumpers. Gorgeous. As soon as they could decide for themselves, I let them wear what they like so standards plummeted. They did not chose to be Ralph Lauren models but chose filthy trackie bottoms and tshirts instead. But if they voluntarily had chosen to wear chinos on a daily basis Id have been seriously worried about them!!! I only made them wear smart things when they are going out to a restaurant or someone's house for a special occasion. Also, private makes no difference. The most untidy, grubbiest kids (out of uniform) often go to the swankiest school.

I don't buy polo's I buy short sleeved shirts from Next.They rarely grey if washed with just whites.I buy new if that happens.

I was always the ‘well turned out child’. I think it wasn’t the best thing for me and contributed to my self image and people pleasing tendencies.

Since my mum died a few years ago I feel like I’ve been liberated from the expectation to look perfect.

It’s important to me.

But ‘well presented’ to me also means suitable for occasion. Ie at the park after it’s been raining, well presented that they have warm clothes on with rain dungerees

I always try and make sure Ds is Co ordinated even if that’s just for nursery so in casual comfy clothing. And even if he comes home scruffy and muddy, I couldn’t send him already in dirty clothing. I brush and style his hair ( but it’s too short for two plaits!)

There’s a difference between looked-after and perfectly turned out; the former is important, the latter isn’t (to me, anyway). We strive to make sure our children have a healthy diet, good sleep habits, a happy home life, and a good standard of personal hygiene, but I don’t really care if their clothes are perfectly coordinated or if their hair is styled immaculately. Those things will no doubt become important to them as teenagers, but I don’t want them to live with that pressure to be perfect in their home environment.

My eldest DC was looking back at pictures of herself as a toddler/young girl and commented on the fact she could tell I made the effort to keep her looking lovely, and she was grateful.

It wasn't expensive wear (George at Asda mainly!) but she did always look nice with a clean face and brushed hair. I don't think that takes too much effort- my boys are definitely more rugged looking in mainly joggers/shorts and Tshirts but always dress up a bit for more important occasions like dinner out or events with trousers and polos etc.

Pretty dresses and mary-janes are teaching girls to be young ladies. Having lived through the generations were such clothes hampered play and often means that girls don't develop the physical confidence that boys do, I think being a girl and woman is good enough, we no longer have to be ladies. Read the advice from nannies of the wealthy and aristocracy and they state that children need play clothes. They need weather appropriate clothes that they can get dirty in. There's a level if insecurity or anxiety going on with your SIL. A better example would be her using her degree and concentrating on sport for them all.

Somewhere in between. They don't need to be immaculate if they're only going to the park but it's not good if they are self conscious about wearing dirty clothes and smelling bad. I think they need to be clean and smart for school.

If I take DS to a NT type place, he’ll be dressed for getting filthy in the woods: wellies, waterproof trousers, etc.

I consider that appropriately dressed. We usually ignore the house entirely because he’s much more interested in muddy puddles and scrambling up rocks than antique furniture. 🤷🏻‍♀️

There are quite a few families in my area that dress like that. I always judge them negatively in my mind, especially, when it comes to girls. It screams dysfunction to me. I also think that Mary Janes on girls this young should be classified as child abuse. I often see the poor girls limping in the evening.

I would be pretty pissed off at my MIL is she kept a stash of appropriately 1950s outfits for my kids and made them change into them so they can go out with her though.

Completely unimportant, and simply a matter of the parent's personal taste. Warm, clean and comfortable - very important. Beautifully turned out - trivial.

Of course you’re not letting them down. They go to school clean and they’re well cared for.
It’s more a matter of personal taste than standards, I think.
I loved my daughter looking smart, fashionable etc but I’m conscious that’s just something I like, not something vitally important.

No it’s not important.

My two girls don’t have two perfect french plaits every day. Because I don’t have time. Because I have a job.

But they don’t need that much pressure to be “neat” and “beautified” every day either. A ponytail, clean (state school, polo and jumper) uniform - at least clean at the start of the day. Ready to learn. Weekends - comfy joggers or jeans, a tshirt. Ready to run around and play.

And my girls always look beautiful anyway

But I stand by the fact it’s literally not important. I have a fairly important job which requires my brain. Looks don’t come into it. If anyone expected me to be “neat” or “beautified” for work I’d tell them to eff off.

If you have very little else going on in your life, then you can fill your boots doing three sets of french plaits in the morning I suppose :)