I have never really cared whether I die, is this normal?

[T0ASTER]

I can't remember ever thinking that it would be awful to die.
When my kids were small I didn't want to die because I didn't want them not to have a mum, other than that time I don't recall ever not feeling like this.

Several times a week I think it would be convenient to die so I don't have to do certain things

I'm not suicidal, I'm not going to kill myself, just couldn't give a shit if I die

I have an okay life, nice family, well travelled, not wealthy but have enough to do most things although have no savings

Just wondering if this is how other people feel too?

No, I get you.

When you die, you're gone.

I'm scared of the bit right before death, in case it's painful (accidentally caused)

No, that’s not normal, for me at least (beyond passing and unserious thoughts).

Do you make choices that reflect this eg not caring for your health? Do you have anything you look forward to? Any experience of depression?

I am fit and healthy, I eat well. I'm not depressed. I do sometimes experience anxiety but nothing major

I suppose I have things to look forward to, like a holiday

Me too. Though I am simply waiting for my parents and cats to be no longer here and then I plan to check myself out. If it happens beforehand through no fault of my own though alls well that ends well.

Do you mean that you intend to end your life at that time?

I don’t actively want to die, and when I was younger I used to want to live to achieve things I felt were unfinished.

Actually since having children, I have felt more and more like I have done everything I want to do, and wouldn’t be upset to die. I certainly have no plans to do anything to myself, but I do feel at peace with the idea.

OP we have these threads periodically and I'm always a bit relieved to see them! I get it. Wasn't bothered ever. Just hope it's quick.

I completely understand. I've no idea if it's normal - we don't have the privilege of looking inside other people's minds.

I see a lot of people who fill their time doing things that just gratify their own ego. And if you're not big on that then it leaves you wondering about what else there is. I don't think there is a 'point' to life, but you can find meaning in life, especially connection to other people. Or maybe we're just overthinkers. Existential wonder has existed since we had brains big enough to contemplate such things.

I found Oliver Burkeman's books (Four Thousand Weeks & The Antidote) helpful in thinking about this stuff.

I feel the same way, once I no longer have people who really need me I will be happy to be off. In my case, however, it’s because I don’t believe it is ‘the end’, and I am excited for what I believe comes next (the spiritual world).

I don’t mind either. I’m a bit ambivalent towards the idea. i also am not suicidal but sometimes when my mind is busy I think it would be a good switch off.

I suffered with depression from the age of 13/14, it started when I began helping my mum care for my grandad through cancer. I absolutely adored him (saw him everyday of my life) and it shattered my whole world when he died. I still can’t think about him without crying and he’s been gone over 20 years!

I have always felt the way you do for as long as I can remember, never scared of death and accepting of it whenever it came but never actually seeking it out although I have hoped for it at times. I have not had an easy life which I think is behind me feeling this way.

I would say it has probably been in the past 2-3 years that I have begun to feel the opposite way. One day I just thought ‘I don’t want to die’ and I have never felt that feeling. I mean I have obviously never wanted to leave my children without me but it’s only been this recent time where I have change my view on death, I still do not fear it but I’m more of a view where I think I’d be telling death to bugger off as I certainly am not ready yet. I would say, in my experience, it is linked to me being happier overall.

My depression took many forms over the years, honestly absolutely no one would believe me if they knew the ways I’ve felt over the years. I’d be the person where everyone says ‘but it’s such a shock, I would never have guessed she felt that way’ had I ever hurt myself.

Even while depressed, I’ve had some of the happiest times/moments/events in my life. I’ve just always walked around with a dark cloud above my head. And finally that dark cloud has gone and has been gone for a good while now.

Absolutely not suggesting you have depression OP to feel this way, just wanted to share my view and experience on it.

I'm 77, my wife is terminally ill, and after she dies I have absolutely nothing to look forward to. Nothing to do, really.

But I've always felt this way. I always thought I would die young, but ... I just keep on ticking. I'm not sure why.

I feel the same as you OP.
My two children are grown and flown the nest. I have several disabilities which prevent me doing the activities I used to. But I have had a great life (I am almost 64) and love to remember all the active years and everything I did and all those I have loved and lost.
I am content now to do what I can, travelling and sightseeing as much as possible. But my children are fully independent so don't actually need my now.
Therefore I am not afraid of death.
In fact I have recently made sure all my affairs are in order, done LPA's, downsized my home, paid for a funeral plan and ensured my will is up to date. I feel now that is all done I can relax and enjoy the time I have left.
In the words of my favourite song "what shall we do on that big black night? Shall we take the coast road back through our lives?"

Me too. I’ve felt fairly resentful of the things that tie me here, and the obligation to keep going. That said, I probably choose ties that bind. Maybe I want to matter to someone even if I don’t matter much to me. I certainly matter to my dog, and I have always needed someone or something to nurture.

Is there a link to your mother, do you think? She wasn’t the best. It was never about me, always about appearances and her.

@CranfordScones That is a good point, I am a massive overthinker.

@NewJobNewMeNewLife I absolutely feel this, my brain is never quiet and I totally would love to be able to ‘switch off’ like others do.
I find it astounding that my husband doesn’t have constant imagery/noise/thoughts whizzing around his head as he does equally when I tell him about my brain!

Two of our children are autistic and I have never related to anyone as much as the two of them as we’ve been through their journeys to diagnosis so have often wondered if that has been the reason behind my feelings throughout my life. I’ve sat in so many appointments thinking, ‘wow, this is me and my whole life!’

I'm with you op. I didn't use to be. When my children were young, anytime I was a long way away from them (example for work), the thought of me not making it back would worry me. Their dad was not the most stable of people, and my concern was for my children, not for me.

Now they are capable adults, if I was to go tomorrow it wouldn't bother me. Whenever I go, I just hope it's quick and easy.

I fully relate OP. I would never take any action on it, unless I was living in a lot of pain and with no quality of life, but sometimes I just think everything is far too much faff to be worth it.

I’ve always been like this, but I have also dealt with various periods of low mood so presumed it was linked.

Yeah. I had this conversation with a friend recently. None of us particularly care. I care much more about losing people I love. I'll be so incredibly sad when my lovely Gran passes.

Hmm I can relate to the over thinking. Also have an ASD child but I don't think I am really.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this. I feel less weird about feeling this way now.

I know what you mean . Mu kids are young so I'm paranoid if I die, or worse both me and husband die in a crash and my elderly parents have to look after them. Or i die while theyre young and they get an awful steolp mum. Number of stories i hear about the dad being shit because he only cares about the new woman. I just hope I die when they are fully functioning adults.

You're not bothered about dying, but are you bothered about living?

I understand what you mean. I don't have a long term partner or kids, and my DSis her husband and kids miles away. I sometimes think the same, that I'm just waiting for my mum not to be here because I know it would break her heart and I have no wish to do that.

What makes me ultimately NOT go down that train of thought though is actively spending time in nature. I think generally we as Britons are so disconnected to nature that we have lost the idea that we are part of it. Seeing wild animals going about their business with no conception at all of "the meaning of life" helps me personally think well, so what if there's no ultimate meaning? The world is still a beautiful place, and once I'm gone I'm gone forever. So I'll be part of it while I can.

I'm not scared at all of actual death. Everything dies. It's actually the bit just before that is the unsettling part.

I feel neutral about both