I have never really cared whether I die, is this normal?

[T0ASTER]

I can't remember ever thinking that it would be awful to die.
When my kids were small I didn't want to die because I didn't want them not to have a mum, other than that time I don't recall ever not feeling like this.

Several times a week I think it would be convenient to die so I don't have to do certain things

I'm not suicidal, I'm not going to kill myself, just couldn't give a shit if I die

I have an okay life, nice family, well travelled, not wealthy but have enough to do most things although have no savings

Just wondering if this is how other people feel too?

Part of the reason I never had kids was so I could pop off when I want. My parents kept me here for a while but once they and my cats are gone I'm off. I just wish there was an easy method.

I've found life to be a scam. I worked hard and tried my best with all aspects but nothing worked out for me. Work, relationships, money, weight.

I’m a bit like this, life just seems like a treadmill. Tbh all the good fun bits were in my twenties now I trundle through life earning money for dc to have a nice life. It’s just all a bit tedious.

I mean from the outside, I own a home, earn decent money, can pay my bills, have nice children. We’re all healthy, I’m really pretty lucky. However it’s all abit meh.

This is how I feel and I have almost constant suicidal ideation. It's got worse as I've got older. I almost died twice as a child and my biggest regret is that I survived both times. My life has been an utterly shit struggle and the thought of getting old horrifies me. I don't bother going for health screening, have an advance directive and plan on just letting myself get sick enough to kick the bucket at some point. My kids are adults, so they'll be okay as long as they believe I died of an illness as opposed to offing myself.

Death terrifies me. I'm terrified of the process, and I'm terrified of a possible afterlife. (I doubt there IS an afterlife, but I'm not sure.)

But the thought of not existing doesn't bother me. In fact, it cheers me up. I've never liked life much and would have preferred never to have been born. I don't say that with any bitterness or self-pity. My life could have been much worse.

It’s so interesting how we have such different perspectives.

@Hartley99- I think I’m the exact opposite to you- I’d be delighted it if there was an afterlife but I really can’t believe there is. I am terrified at the thought of not existing- which I know is ridiculous.

Yes - I've always felt like this. I think I've just not got much will to live!
Have a great life but really not bothered about getting old. I’d be happy to see my kids into adulthood, but after that, really not worried. Plus, I’ve seen old age up close and it’s not for me thank you!

I think many people feel like this. I'm not in the best of health, nothing terribly serious or terminal but it does impact on my life.
I worry about having to eat into savings that I would like my kids to have. I also worry about my house being sold to pay for care home costs.
I enjoy life but I wouldn't mind if I died tomorrow

Easy to say since you are talking about it in an abstract way. Might be different if you were ill or actually facing a painful death.

Interesting that no one who is actually terminally ill is on here saying they don't care about dying though. I think it's easy to think things when you're not in that situation actually facing death and having no control over it. Not saying for everyone they wouldn't still have the same attitude but in my experience it is ground in us to want to fight and want to live if faced with an early demise. Whether we have children or dependants or whatever.

It's called the survival instinct and is something even suicidal people have to fight against. It doesn't mean that they want to continue living though. My fil developed cancer and refused all treatment. He openly wanted to let nature take its course and he died 18 months later. He made no secret of the fact that he had no desire for life.

Not abnormal to feel that way. DH and I have been trying to start a family for the last two years and all we've ever had are miscarriages. Every single time. We feel like we're not supposed to be happy and downright hate other people who have kids now. We both work full time and we pay more money in tax than what we do on our mortgage that is deliberately overpaid to get it paid off faster. What are taxes even for now? For crumbling roads, failing systems, and all-round diminishing returns. We get up, we work, we live outside of work, we sleep. Then it all starts again the next day. If we die, we die. We have no friends and nobody's going to care.

I'm the same. Just need to outlive the cats as couldn't leave them behind.

@VolvoFan You are very fortunate to have each other

Exactly this. Not suicidal either or depressed.

It must be normal, if this thread is anything to go by, but I must admit I’m really shocked that so many people feel this way.

My life isn’t all champagne and sunbeams but God, I am so scared of death. I suppress the fear every day. I want to be here as long as I can to see my kids have families of their own and be a part of that if I’m lucky enough.

There are too many BBQ sunny evenings, Netflix specials, holidays, family meals, laughs with colleagues, nice new shoes, warm wooden mittens and bright copper kettles to be so indifferent to life!

Really interesting thread.

I'm scared of death. To the extent it keeps me awake at night sometimes, frightened. I wish I weren't so fearful.

I try and tell myself it's because I love life and the people in it, but it's reassuring to know that not everyone is so scared about it. Maybe I can get to equanimity one day too.

No, I don't feel that way, I love my life so much and I don't want to die for a long time! Things aren't always easy, but I'm thankful for everything I have and find lots of pleasure in things. I'm not afraid to die because I truly believe that in Jesus I have life after death, and I look forward to what comes next. But I don't want to go before my time.

I used to feel this way. Then my first DC was born. I could lie awake all night now worrying about dying before they grow up.
The thought of not getting to see what kind of people they will grow to be, or not being there for them through life’s ups and downs as they find their way in the world absolutely destroys me.
I guess DCs gave me a purpose much greater than myself, which I never realised was missing before having them.

Thanks for posting this OP. I feel the same and my DH finds it horrific. I don't. I need to be here right now because my parents are both dying and I need to look after them and my youngest is only just 13. Once they're all sorted though it won't matter so much. I'll try and make the most out of things but I've been so tired for years and years. And I have done so much. Travelled, moved around, all sorts. I just don't mind anymore. I agree with others though, I am scared of pain and illness.

This is interesting though, I wonder if there's any difference between believers and non believers. I'm a non believer myself.

I wonder if people who feel like this could bring themselves to completely change their life into something they love and want to continue?

Hard to explain, but if you’re carefree enough to feel death is not a problem or thing to worry about, would you then happily take more risks? Like life risks, financial, travel more as you aren’t saving for anything much as you don’t kind of have a future plan?

Personally I have so much I want to see and do before dying! But I would also have no regrets. I do try and make the most of life.

Yes, it's strange. I think it comes down to temperament. I had a friend who just couldn't deal with the idea of death as nothingness. In fact, she told me once she'd rather go to hell than not exist. And when death was mentioned she'd literally get up and walk out of the room. For me, however, the idea of nothingness is comforting. To be nothing is to be free of pain.

I can relate to your feelings OP and have felt like that for years and years.DD is still young, so I don't want to die because I don't want her to deal with that as a child, but the feeling of meh is still there. I suppose once she's all grown up it will be even stronger.

That is very true. Thanks for giving my head a wobble just then. I needed that.