I have never really cared whether I die, is this normal?

[T0ASTER]

I can't remember ever thinking that it would be awful to die.
When my kids were small I didn't want to die because I didn't want them not to have a mum, other than that time I don't recall ever not feeling like this.

Several times a week I think it would be convenient to die so I don't have to do certain things

I'm not suicidal, I'm not going to kill myself, just couldn't give a shit if I die

I have an okay life, nice family, well travelled, not wealthy but have enough to do most things although have no savings

Just wondering if this is how other people feel too?

I'd like to see my dd independent and happy, and to travel to a few more places. Maybe own a dog. Other than that, don't give a shit.

Well I'm comforted to know I'm not that strange! I wouldn't say it to people IRL because they'd probably think I'm depressed. Although now I wonder if they feel it too.
This thread has sort of made me feel grateful that I'm not scared of death too which I wasn't expecting.

I'm not scared of much though

I can't change anything. I'm autistic and chronically depressed. Life will never offer anything more than it does now. I'm not even well enough to take a short holiday because I end up physically ill due to stress. It's just hard slog.

I don't feel this way at all OP and no matter how low I have felt I have never felt suicidal or been ambivalent about death. Having said that I think I may be the other way and worry too much about it. I have a young child and hope very much I'm here to see them grow and thrive in life and I'd love to see grandchildren. I have always felt it so strange that we are expected to adapt to important people in our lives just being gone although I realise this may sound unhinged.

This made me think. When I was young I travelled for several years, took lots of risks. Took drugs, lots of risky behaviour. But had loads of fun. Very happy but still didnt care if I died.

Now I think it's more that I know we won't have loads of money and I will have to look out for our mums for the next twenty years. Also feel I can't just go and live somewhere else or travel again because of the kids and the mums. So maybe I'm just bored now

I'm looking forward to it!
I hope it's painless and quick and I don't get any notice.
I pity whoever has to clear out all my belongings though....

I've always thought like this. I don't want to commit suicide or anything like that. But I don't think I'm really suited to living.

I wonder if people who feel like this could bring themselves to completely change their life into something they love and want to continue? I might not be the same as some on here, but I am happy to continue, and I do have things I want to do. I think though that I have lived a very interesting and full and complicated life so far, and if it were to end, it would be a shame but perhaps not a total tragedy- I've had kids (now adults), done lots of exciting things, met a soulmate, lost that soulmate, had wonderful friends. I wouldn't feel cheated, put it that way. Or perhaps I would. If I were really dying, it's hard to tell.

I also thinking 'I wish I weren't here' when confronted with life's minor difficulties, as the OP says, is a habit, it's a comfort almost, rather than any intention. It's a habitual way of thinking which is different than full-on suicidal ideation or planning these things, that's what I think anyway.

The psychology of it is interesting!

Also the people that say they’d like to see their children or whatever grow up and old and be settled. Don’t you think they think the same about you?
They would like you to live a long and fulfilled life.

I really feel for those of you who don’t feel fulfilled. @brytersky sorry you feel like that xx

@ShiningOut - I have a very large family abroad. Two refused cancer treatment after seeing older members of the family die bedridden in mid 90s so just calmly refused treatment in their 60s. One in particular had a lucky thing - he booked a round the world trip after diagnosis, then when he got home, he was ill for a week and then died. I was a bit taken aback that he booked the trip but he figured it would take a while to get a treatment plan sorted and he had better uses for the time and felt perfectly well, so off he went to see the world. The other one got everything done that she wanted to do but was on painkillers a few months before she died.

@JennyfromtheBlok I have a nice life though. I’m a long term depressive but there’s been brilliant things in my life in spite of that. I no longer take meds. It’s all just a bit “not bothered” which was evidenced, I think, by the (wrong) cancer diagnosis I was given. I didn’t for a minute think “I must have treatment!” Some people really will be okay with the end of life. Pain and suffering is something we all dread, I presume. But dying quickly, no.

To get back to your point, if my life was amazing rather than nice and pleasant, might I feel differently? Maybe. But my life is good so I think I’m just not that fussed. I think a lot of people aren’t but it isn’t socially acceptable to say so.

Don't any of you find any joy in life

As a child I used to be scared but as an adult I can see how much hard graft adulting is so no...i'm not arsed!

The point is though it's not "if you die" it's when you die.

It's the one thing we all have in common...and therefore I feel there is something unifying and mystical about it. Death gives meaning to life i guess.

I am just looking forward to some peace and quiet for once!

There is lots of joy in life but also quite a lot of stress...bring human can be quite tough at times.

I am autistic and am similar, sometimes it’s waking up and thinking oh I didn’t die, neither positively or negatively just a statement of fact, I didn’t die in my sleep.

Sometimes I think if I fell down the stairs and died I wouldn’t have to do whatever it is I don’t want to do, again not positively or negatively it just occurs to me that dying would solve the issue.

I am not suicidal, ironically the only reason i have ever thought about suicide is because some people in my life have suggested I am, this has made my autistic brain contemplate various methods of suicide, ranking them in practically, chances of success, pain and possibility of trauma for others, this in turn made me plan what I would consider the only viable way to do it. I wouldn’t ever do it because I’m not bloody suicidal.

I feel like this but for different reasons. I have perhaps a different belief so death doesn't worry me. That's very different I guess to thinking I wouldn't mind being dead. I don't believe we truly do die. Maybe the physical body yes but not the soul. I'm not religious either by the way.

@decionsdecisions62 But belief in a soul at all is surely a religious belief? (I’m not knocking your belief btw, just think that the concept of a soul is in itself a religious concept).

I have found this thread interesting and also really sad. I have had my fair share of ups and downs - from a time of crippling anxiety to illnesses in the family. But except for the odd day, I have an urge to stay alive.

I know that people can be suicidal, but i didn’t realise people had this ennui, for want of a better word. It also doesn’t seem
related to misfortune from what I am readiing

i wonder if some of you have a lack of hormones providing joy. Those moments in the day which are mundane but make you feel happy of content. First cup of tea. Taking my child to school and having a chat. Banter with the postman. A walk in the woods and seeing a snowdrop. That kind of thing.

my SIL is on citalopram which does seem to help her depression but removes the massive highs and loss.

but maybe it makes people calmer?

I'm not sad and I enjoy all these little things.
I love walking in the woods, I love my kids.. I just don't care if I die

I suppose it's good if you don't care as it takes away a lot of fear.

Yes, lots. Still don't care. I'm indifferent about death.

A PP mentioned ego in NT people vs ND people, I'm autistic, this theory makes a lot of sense. It's your ego that's afraid of death.

Hmm, well not strictly terminal yet but given my cancer hasn't responded to chemo and surgery isn't possible I suppose I might have a different view? I don't want to die just now but I'm not scared to go, and there's absolutely nothing I can do to change things. It's those I'll be leaving behind I'm devastated for.

I enjoy my life. I go to the theatre, cinema, music gigs, have holidays, great friends. I have a job that fulfills me and makes me feel like I'm making a difference.

If I didn't wake up tomorrow, that would be fine with me. I've done, what is to me, the important stuff. My children are well adjusted and adult. Everything else is just window dressing.

Hi all

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I completely relate to this.
im mid 60’s, lots of dementia in my family;

no way am I going through that!!

if given a serious diagnosis I would choose palliative care not active treatment.

would then prefer to choose when i go.

I too keep a stash of medication for when the time comes.

Completely agree, I feel like I’m on a hamster wheel
outwardly have a reasonably good life, house, car job etc

but it’s all a bit meh.

ive done most things on my bucket list so now feel I’m just killing time