Fleeting comments that still sting years later

[HoorayFriday]

I was early 30's and single. Dating, but having zero luck and wondering if I'd die alone at the bottom of the stairs with my cat eating my big toe.

I confided in my best friend at the time, I was feeling low about myself and sad. Fed up of the dating world.

She said, her partner had told her that "if I lost a bit of weight I could have anyone I wanted".

Was it a back handed compliment? Meant to hurt me? Meant to make me feel better? Why would she say that? I had no idea.

Years later, it still pops up in my head like that unexpected morning pimple.

I've always carried a few extra pounds, I love my food! But, I was by no means what you'd describe as "big".

Anyway, it stung. A lot. And certainly didn't make me feel better.

It made me wonder if anyone else had a carefree passing comment, that probably meant nothing to the person who said it, yet hit you to the core and stayed with you years later?

My exh told me I was good looking but not beautiful, then proceeded to tell me who he thought was beautiful.

Dad, when I was about 14, told me I was "very overweight." I was 5"11 and a size 12. He seemed angry and disappointed with me.
This and other comments/putdowns has led to a lifetime of disordered eating. Same for my siblings. He was equally disappointed and pissed off when I lost the weight.

what is the “AIBU” dilemna? I don’t get this post

Maybe I've posted in the wrong section 🤔
No worries though hey!

When I was 20 I was at a house party and was trying to leave through the front door, but there was a guy stood in the way smoking. I said 'excuse me' and sort of tried to squeeze past and he squared up to me and said 'you fat, ugly cunt' and I was absolutely mortified and terrified and totally overwhelmed. It's been years and years since it happened but I vividly remember it and noone has ever been so vicious to me since

A friend had a picture taken in a restaurant while I was in the back of the shot sitting opposite, when he looked at the phone to see the picture he loudly exclaimed ‘Urgh! Who’s that minger in the back?’

I thought I looked quite nice that day! But I’m not photogenic at all, particularly whilst unaware and chatting.

I had a manager pull me aside once, I thought it was to let me know it was to go to a different branch which I had been hopeful and excited for. But no, he told me he’d had reports of me not ‘pulling my weight’ by my colleagues. I was about 21 years old and had undiagnosed ADHD (only diagnosed at 36). I hadn’t fully been able to know quite what I was meant to be doing, and had thought I was doing fine. That phrase still haunts me regularly. It’s horrible.

@JacquesHarlow ffs the op posts about an emotionally traumatic experience and that’s your response? Leave her alone and stop being a thread police bore

My late MIL to me -

You'd be a lot better without all that make-up (I was very self-conscious about my Rosacea)
You're barrel-shaped
You care about that cat more than you do your kids
You're like your dad - broad and short
You could be attractive if you tried

To be fair, she was a twat about most people, but I was always the main target

That's terrible.

My best friend said my bottom teeth were crowded as a passing comment and asked if it was because of wisdom teeth. It had never bothered me before but I then went on to have £3700 worth of Invisalign treatment.

He would be so upset if he knew it was because of his comment!

I was very insecure in a past relationship due to his behaviour and if I ever brought up something that bothered me he would call me a joke, an embarrassment, pathetic - you get the jist

still haunts me today whenever I have to speak up about something that bothers me, even if it’s to a work colleague or a stranger in a shop

Let it go, really just do.

Your friend may have been trying to be helpful or maybe even cruel. You will never know but just leave it in the past.

What don't you get? It's extremely clear.

Would you be happier if she had a posted the typical "AIBU to ask if you have ever....."?

Aged about 13 my grandmother told me that "men don't make passes at girls who wear glasses." I was desperately insecure about how I looked anyway. Not a coincidence that I didn't have my first serious boyfriend until I was 20.

Getting told by my Ex whole family that i wasn't good enough for their son..they then preceded to call my family saying i was violent, vile ect.

I think my family laughed because i was so shy and meek. So trying to imagine me hurling tea at at a room of people was most amusing. 😂😂

(I couldn't even do public speaking back then)

I wouldn't have said that was a 'carefree passing comment', though -- it was a manager letting you know your work needed improvement. I can imagine you were upset by it if you thought you were doing fine, but presumably that's why you needed to be warned, especially if, as you say, you didn't know exactly what you were supposed to be doing, regardless of the reason.

A few years ago went to GP for smear test while I was there she weighed me and told me I was obese (I’m small and size 12 and very muscular) I felt so humiliated that I didn’t go back for another smear test for several years and have refused to be weighed by anyone other than myself ever since

When I was 12 we were getting a professional photo shoot done at a local studio.

The photographer asked if he could take some indvidual shots of me. My Mum seemed unsure (probably worried about money).

When we were viewing the pictures back, he stopped on one of me.

He said something like,

"Now, look at this...the thing about your daughter is, she's not pretty. I think we can all agree she can't be described as pretty..."

And my mother replied, very honestly,
"No, she's not pretty."

Before he finished,

"She's BEAUTIFUL. Absolutely stunning..."

And went on to give this ridiculous effusive praise of my apparent "looks". Which I can't remember, because all I can remember is my mum saying, in a really truthful manner, "No. She's not pretty." and how humiliated and embarassed the whole situation made me feel. I remember my face going red and burning and feeling so ashamed.

The man was a neggy, creepy arsehole and I was already mortified by his initial comments (and I didn't believe his final comments anyway).

But my MUM, man?

She should have whacked him over the head with her handbag the minute he started, or yanked me out of there and said "I'm not subjecting my daughter to your stupid comments, you nasty man!" or even just "How dare you! She's TWELVE!"

but no...

she just said, "No. She's NOT pretty."

And it hurt like hell. Because at 12, as a girl in the 90s, "pretty" was EVERYTHING.

"I know you gran tells you that you're pretty but you're not"
My mum.

SoOuting Who Cares
Same Mum?
I was really little and my mum had her hands on my shoulders, faced me towards her and kindly explained that gran was lying!

I’m embarrassed to be seen with you, when we go out walk a few steps behind me with the pram so people don’t know we’re together. My ex, a few weeks after I had given birth.

A really nasty manager when I was about 23 said to me in an unpleasant tone of voice 'we can't all be oil paintings, can we Gonna?'. I'd never thought I was an oil painting (attractive). She said other nasty sniped comments and after I didn't do well (didn't fail it) at my 3 month probation I decided to leave. Evil woman.

My mother thinks that being complimented gives you 'notions', AND that men should always be deferred to and agreed with, so regardless of whether she thought I was a raving beauty or not, she would have agreed with the photographer that I was Quasimodo.

(I realise this does not make it any the less stinging. My own grandmother was a prolific body shamer, and my mother is extremely critical of women who don't 'make the effort' and wear 'flattering' clothes.)