Fleeting comments that still sting years later

[HoorayFriday]

I was early 30's and single. Dating, but having zero luck and wondering if I'd die alone at the bottom of the stairs with my cat eating my big toe.

I confided in my best friend at the time, I was feeling low about myself and sad. Fed up of the dating world.

She said, her partner had told her that "if I lost a bit of weight I could have anyone I wanted".

Was it a back handed compliment? Meant to hurt me? Meant to make me feel better? Why would she say that? I had no idea.

Years later, it still pops up in my head like that unexpected morning pimple.

I've always carried a few extra pounds, I love my food! But, I was by no means what you'd describe as "big".

Anyway, it stung. A lot. And certainly didn't make me feel better.

It made me wonder if anyone else had a carefree passing comment, that probably meant nothing to the person who said it, yet hit you to the core and stayed with you years later?

From my auntie, I’m dark haired and short, my sister tall and a natural blond. Your sister is so beautiful you’re alright I suppose. My mum oh look at my Louise* she’s like an angel - nothing like you

Years ago, a couple of guys were chatting to me and my friend and one of them asked what age I was. I told him I was 22 and he said he thought I was younger because I looked underdeveloped for someone that age. I was already very self conscious about my small breasts and he made me feel terrible. Cheeky bastard. I can think of plenty of things I should have said now.

Another time when out with a different friend, we were chatting to some guys and one of them commented that my friend was naturally beautiful, whereas I needed loads of makeup to achieve the same effect.

What is it with some bloody men? Arseholes.

No. I watched a video of how to do it on YouTube.

Not long afterwards I started getting compliments on my teeth and my dentist used me in an ad campaign (as an example of good teeth!) so I must have done a good job.

It took me weeks of filing them down to get them perfectly even though. Definitely wouldn't advise diying it but I was young, stupid, very upset by the woman and afraid to smile anymore which is what drove me to it.

About 20 years ago, my mum introduced (a rather plump me) to her elderly male friend - not a boyfriend I hasten to add, just a man she served at work. First words out of his mouth to my mother "How come you're so slim and SHE'S like that?" I was mortified at the time, I mean what do you say?

At 19 I interviewed for cabin crew.
Told my mother I didn't think I was the right fit for it.
She said "no, you're dull, heavy and boring".

Another of her gems "you are dead to me" (more than once)

"Foxtrot was always beige."

Sent me a size 16 blouse as a birthday present. I'm 5'8 and never been more than a 12.

Picked out size 12 trousers to try on : "they'll never fit you".

On a night out with friends when I was about 29 - I've always been very self concious and never been very good at makeup. Anyway this night out I was really chuffed at how I did my makeup and thought for once I looked ok.
Only to be standing at a bar and a man turned round, glanced at me and said "oh my god you're so ugly it's like you've been hit by a train." I was honestly flabbergasted and was trying not to cry on my way back to my friends. My sister in law noticed something was up straight away and so I told her - she went up to the guy for me and got him told.
I still think of that at least once a month and that guy probably forgot about it by the next day.

I went for a midwife appointment for my second pregnancy, the midwife asked me if I would 'hold your (my) flab up' so she could find the baby's heartbeat. I was a size 14 and 23 weeks pregnant. I was mortified and just did as she said.

That is an amazing story (which came out of a horrible comment). It could have so easily been disastrous though, so I'm glad it wasn't.

”I think you’re really hot but my mates don’t” said by a boy at university. I kept thinking every time I saw his friends around after that, why don’t you think I’m hot?!

Cut to three years later I’m in a random club in London, this guy keeps hitting on me but I’m not really interested but give him my Instagram. Turns out he’s an old school mate of the same guy who said this years ago in a different city and they laugh about how they hit on the same girl. Turns out your mates do think I’m hot

Some of these are just brutal 😢

I hadn’t been in my job long when a few of us were talking about when the various birthdays in the team were coming up. I said I had a big birthday coming up this year. My snarky bitch of a boss piped up and said in sneery tone, “Will you be 30?”, then laughed sarcastically.

Well no, I wasn’t going to be 30 - but did she have to make such a snide comment, as if the very idea was laughable? I didn’t expect her to shower me with compliments about how someone as youthful looking as me couldn’t possibly be approaching 40, but why say anything at all? Or she could have just said something “Have you got anything special planned?” But no - she deliberately tried to make me feel shit about myself. And this was someone who was supposed to be supporting my career?!

Anyway, a lovely colleague cheered me up later by telling me she genuinely had thought it was my 30th birthday, and that witch-faced boss looked old enough to be my mother. She was probably just being kind with the first part, but the second part left me giggling all day 🤭

More stinging ones would be people directly comparing me with my twin in front of us at school and declaring “she’s the prettier one” (not me)

A friend as a teenager, when I was crying in the school toilets about my looks. She said 'you aren't ugly, you're...average'.
Another friend overheard saying 'I don't think User94 ever brushes her hair, she just puts it up in a pony tail.' I hear that whenever I'm putting my hair up and looking in a mirror.
An ex - 'you're not exactly a supermodel' and 'you aren't conventionally attractive'.
The following from different beauticians - 'wow, you have a lot of spots' (I don't) and 'your breasts are big, which makes you look fatter than you are.'

Oh my, that's bloody awful. Is your mum jealous of you ? Believe your Gran not her.

Fuck me, some people are horrible! I’m so sorry for these experiences.

Mine have been about my looks. First boyfriend ‘ you might not have the looks, but you’ve got the personality’. Jeez, thanks.
First husband ‘I like the fact that you’re quite plain’. Again, cheers.

Reader, I was extremely pretty. In fact despite being fairly fat, my second wedding pics featured in a national magazine.

I’m no longer pretty, but equally, I don’t give a stuff. Age helps!

Mother and aunties thought it was funny that I had buck teeth and glasses but yet I was the one with a fiancee. Not overhead they said this to my face in front of my cousins too. And her hair is wild they added.

I’m sorry your orthodontist made you feel bad about yourself. My daughter’s orthodontist has twice intimated that my daughter has teeth that she may find unattractive. (Both times, my daughter been like, yeah, I’m good, I don’t have a problem with how they look.) And I’ve said to my daughter that he is an orthodontist so he sees things with orthodontist eyes that only orthodontists see.

I remember talking about global warming with my son, who was about 7. He said 'its not my fault, I just got here'. It made me quite tearful and really made me think about my carbon footprint.

I was painfully thin as a child and teenager even though I ate like a horse. It wasn’t fashionable in those days to be so skinny and I got teased a lot. But I still remember one day when I walked down the road and a teenage boy-about 17- stopped me and said ‘You’re lucky!’ I stared at him puzzled. ‘Lucky your legs don’t snap!’and off he cackled. I’m now 60 and have been happy with my body for many years but have still never forgot it.

Thanks, it’s been 20 years - I hadn’t noticed that I had a ‘bad’ jawline until then. My mum did her best to limit the damage too, it sounds like you’ve done the same for your daughter.

I was bullied at school. A boy in my tutor group who was usually nice enough to me came up to me and said "(name), you're ugly". At the time he was showing a new boy around, who was someone I knew since primary school and liked as a friend. He looked at me with pity and pretty much never spoke to me again.

Loads.

"OMG I have to asl, are you pregnant again?!?!!" No. No, I am just bloated and peri-menopausal and I'd like another baby but after three years of trying it's unlikely to happen. Thanks for asking.

"You're a split personality"

"Look at that anorexic girl" (I wasn't anorexic).

"I'm very fond of you" - in a Valentine's Day card. From my fiancé. Fond?! You are only fond of me?! Reader, I did not marry him.

Not something they said, but something they did - I was walking home and fighting back tears, with depression over the breakdown of my engagement and an awful day at work, when some yobs threw a water balloon at me from a moving car. Hit me full in the face, it really hurt and drenched me. Totally kicked me when I was down and they drove away laughing. Nobs.

"I'd sleep with her if she had X's face".

❤️

Back at school a friend asked me to go with her to meet a boy she’d met on the internet (MySpace in the early noughties!!) because he would fancy any of our other friends if she bought them along. Bless my heart I said I would go. Still cuts deep and I still think of it frequently.

This one happened last week, but I'm sure I'll still think about it in a decade's time. We were out at dinner, and this happened:

Me: "DH got a promotion at work"
DM: Looks at DH "Is it because you're a man?"
Quite stunned, DH explains why he got promoted.
DM: Looks at me "Did you get a promotion?"
Me: "No, they have severely limited the number of promos this year. Ordinarily I would have done with the rating I was given"
DM: "Is it because you take too many holiday days to do DIY?"
Me: "No. Everyone takes holiday at work. If you don't voluntarily take it, you are forced to"
DM: Looks at DH again "So you got promoted because you're a man."
DH and me, getting annoyed, explain that it's down to hard work. Further conversation about promos happens.
DM: "Oh well, I suppose I'd better say congratulations"

DM would never, ever, ever say that to any of my BILs or SILs as they are teachers and doctors, but for some reason, as we both work in tech, she assumes my DH gets promo'd only because he's a man.