Fleeting comments that still sting years later

[HoorayFriday]

I was early 30's and single. Dating, but having zero luck and wondering if I'd die alone at the bottom of the stairs with my cat eating my big toe.

I confided in my best friend at the time, I was feeling low about myself and sad. Fed up of the dating world.

She said, her partner had told her that "if I lost a bit of weight I could have anyone I wanted".

Was it a back handed compliment? Meant to hurt me? Meant to make me feel better? Why would she say that? I had no idea.

Years later, it still pops up in my head like that unexpected morning pimple.

I've always carried a few extra pounds, I love my food! But, I was by no means what you'd describe as "big".

Anyway, it stung. A lot. And certainly didn't make me feel better.

It made me wonder if anyone else had a carefree passing comment, that probably meant nothing to the person who said it, yet hit you to the core and stayed with you years later?

As a child with straight brown hair my mum used to tell me that Hayley Mills was the perfect girl, with her blonde hair and turned up nose. She then added "you have a roman nose like your father". All through my teens I was paranoid about my nose. It took years to realise my nose was not ugly.

@bravotango I feel your pain. Over 30 years ago I was in a pub and this random bloke came over and just said "you're an ugly bitch" and walked off.
Friends tried to tell me he was drunk, I prob looked like his ex who dumped him etc but I was so upset.
I still think about it now, I've had counselling (not just about that but self esteem in general) but that moment will be with me to the day I die.

I've just remembered another one that I think of occasionally, but at my now old age, actually makes me laugh as it was so blatantly rude. Years ago my SIL was visiting and was telling me that her sister had put on a lot of weight and couldn't fit into her clothes. She didn't want to spend a lot of money as she was hoping to lose weight and wondered where she could buy non fancy, cheap clothes for fat people, so "d" SIL had said she'd ask me where I bought my clothes from!

My ex FIL at my first baby’s christening, 6 weeks old, he said quite loudly to my ex MIL, I told you she’d end up fat once she’d had a baby, everyone heard the comment.

Spending my childhood/teens being fat shamed by family.....and yes I'm still fat in my adulthood and struggle with binge eating.

I had my best friend from when I was 3 (we went to different primary schools but ended up in the same secondary school and our mums were best friends) say to me when I was 14, "you've got nice eyebrows but that's it". I was actually a very pretty, but very shy girl. She was more obviously pretty, had lots of boyfriends. It was a huge shock to her when I ended up dating the boy who worked on the flower stall in the town where she worked, he was about 1-2 years older than us and really good looking and I only spoke to him (after loads of looks at him when we drove past in our family car) and he asked me out, when DM and I went there to get flowers for a special birthday for my nana.

She then wondered why, when I was transferred into her class in the school, after a few months of trying and failing to be accepted in her friendship group that I went off with another friend for the rest of the year and said "why are you friends with E?" Well, because E is fun, improves my confidence (we used to go shopping and she'd pick out really nice clothes for me), and there's no trying to make me feel bad/small like you and your friends do. E was stunning in her own way, a tall, natural flaxen blonde beauty who loved her parents sun bed and posing!

I’ve had loads. One that particularly sticks in my mind was from a work colleague, that was just plain nasty.
I’m naturally quite shy, but try to be friendly and chat to people ( not excessively ) this has helped me build up my confidence.
Twat of a work colleague, loud and extrovert says ‘ look at you going round talking to people, thinking they actually like you’. It was more a projection of his own thoughts on himself, but it really set me back. Such horrible toxic work place.

I think it's so sad that so many of these replies are about weight and that society still thinks it's ok to make unsolicited comments about a woman's weight.

I was quite big as a kid and my biology teacher described me as a 'big Frisian cow' whilst holding out her arms at her sides to mimic my supposed size. 3 years later I was diagnosed with anorexia, obviously that one comment didn't push me into it but it was playing on repeat in my head for years

A teacher pulled me to one side and told me that I smelled. I was so ashamed and embarrassed. I have never forgot that and have been obsessive over my personal hygiene ever since.

My mum always told me that I was pretty but my sister was really beautiful

Your work colleague - I think it can stem from a toxic workplace.

Where I worked, it doesn't matter now, but it was the membership dept of PRS - so for music. My line manager, her DM worked there and several other people employed sons or daughters there too. After I'd joined (I'd been placed by an agency who wanted to get someone 'in there') I realised it was a bit toxic by a few comments but thought, no, don't worry - just see how you go and my main team and department were quite nice. I then found out from a male colleague that my LM wasn't nice at all, and also a school friend and local friend who worked there for a year and was leaving said the same thing. It just turned out it was a particularly toxic environment and you either sank or swam. I recall when I did hand my notice after 3 months, everyone including the LM was shocked. I don't think and I should've done (mentioned the LM nasty comments) but bullying wasn't really a thing back then.

My bestie, who really does have a heart of gold, once said to me 'you have a beautiful house and you ruin it' because I'm not particularly tidy but if she was in it I would have had it to a least a 'guest' standard (as opposed to 'don't let anyone in on pain of death', or 'MIL coming so clean til you can eat off the floor') - so that stung. Her house can get pretty wrecked too! But her kitchen is always pristine I do admit. She also said I had a pretty face but... yea I know, that's why we are using a PT together! They really weren't meant as anything and I'm sure she wouldn't remember thinking it let alone say it out loud.
I also had an old uni roommate visit and she took a photo of me and I said 'ugh I look a mess' and she said 'well the camera doesn't lie'. Cow.

At age 9 my mum told me I didn't have the right body shape to do gymnastics like my friends. I wasn't overweight at all and looking back it was probably because she couldn't be bothered to drive me to the club, but 30 years later I still feel like the dumpy unathletic one and it caused years of disengaging from sport and fitness because these things were not for me, a lost cause genetically.

My mother came out with loads of the years (the word narcissist is thrown out a lot these days but she genuinely hit all the narc bingo). The one that always stuck with me was the time she said in foul anger - ‘you will always be the sort of person who’s at the bottom of the pile, holding everyone else up as they succeed’.

Hurts even more these days as I watch people who I went to school with lead amazing lives whilst I’ve had to become a full time carer on benefits. I think the fact she was right in the end is the biggest fuckover of my life.

My friend once made a joke about fattening stripes - he was definitely joking. He's lovely. We were 17, having school break banter and I was thin (and about 4 sizes smaller than his girlfriend) but decades on I'm still wary of horizontal stripes and look fondly in vertical ones.

Horrible boy at school called me ‘big and foul’ at 16.

I was a model at 19. 🖕🏼

I have had so many shitty comments about my appearance since I was a child. I had glasses, a deviated jaw and large teeth and parents who did not bother to get me the right medical care to correct this.

My experience:

• being bullied at school and told I had a 'weird face'
• a random guy in the tube shouted at me that I was ugly really loudly and kept repeating it...people were literally turning around and staring at us
• I had to take pictures when I was a kid for something and the photographer said 'try smiling, it might help' (implying I was so ugly and that smiling might not make much a difference in this case...)
• Being told by my mother that my eyebrows ''made me look stupid' (I have had hair loss since I was a teen...) that I should not eat bread because I was getting fat and openly calling me an 'old maid' when I was in my 20s. I also remembered trying to get someone to see me at my local housing association office to discuss a maintenance issue and my mother saying that they would have been more reactive if 'someone pretty' had been making the query...

Thankfully I am at a point in my life where I am happy in myself and don't care anymore about what people think of me and my appearance and I no longer have any contact with my mother...

You did WHAT?!!

@Gibs0nGirl I was watching telly when my ex said to me 'you look really ugly when you concentrate' - I still think about that most days, nearly 30 years on 🙁

The woman, who tried to tell me basically to F off and stop visiting her family, she added me as a contact on Linked In a few years ago and apologised for her comment she'd made when I was younger, saying to me that she still had close friends who lived in the area where my parents live and which isn't far from where I live too, and she often saw them, about once a year, and should she maybe see us too, call in or meet us in a local coffee shop. I told her straight off, I really don't think that's a good idea, sorry. Maybe that was harsh, but I thought, you've been out of our lives for what the past 30 years so what's the point getting in touch now? She'd helped me though as a younger teenager, about 13, I was anxious, depressed and had bad PMT which culminated in mini nervous breakdowns and she saw me and helped me and told me her DF (father) had ended his life when she was 13/14. Maybe this had an effect on her and her life going forwards, who knows?

Some awful comments on here

I don't know what the solution is. Perhaps to support our children's self esteem in the hope that they are resilient enough not to be shaken by cruel and unwarranted comments? (in addition to the obvious, teach our children to be kind and considerate adults)

My orthodontist told me at 15 “not to worry, you can get your jawline fixed with cosmetic surgery when you’re older”.

Bumped into an old school teacher a couple of years ago. I went to private school but only because I was given an assisted place where 85% of my fees were paid by the government- parents couldn't have afforded to send me otherwise. It was difficult because I was teased a lot by the "rich kids".
Chatting to the teacher and she said "ooh you've done well for yourself haven't you. You did have a VERY different background to all the others didn't you." In a very sneery way as if nobody ever expected me to make anything of myself because I didn't come from a wealthy family. It really stung because my mum worked all the hours god sent to afford that 15% of the fees and sacrificed so much. Made me think that all the teachers probably all thought the same.

Pure misogyny