Fleeting comments that still sting years later

[HoorayFriday]

I was early 30's and single. Dating, but having zero luck and wondering if I'd die alone at the bottom of the stairs with my cat eating my big toe.

I confided in my best friend at the time, I was feeling low about myself and sad. Fed up of the dating world.

She said, her partner had told her that "if I lost a bit of weight I could have anyone I wanted".

Was it a back handed compliment? Meant to hurt me? Meant to make me feel better? Why would she say that? I had no idea.

Years later, it still pops up in my head like that unexpected morning pimple.

I've always carried a few extra pounds, I love my food! But, I was by no means what you'd describe as "big".

Anyway, it stung. A lot. And certainly didn't make me feel better.

It made me wonder if anyone else had a carefree passing comment, that probably meant nothing to the person who said it, yet hit you to the core and stayed with you years later?

When I was 14 a school friend told me that sometimes I looked very pretty and other times I looked masculine. I have a very asymmetric face and its always haunted me.

At a funeral with family we rarely saw, my aunt commenter on how similar I looked to my cousin. My mum replied "yes, DCousin is the pretty one".

I was 14 and it's stuck with me - more my mum undermining me than the factually correct comment.

I have dyspraxia that went undiagnosed until I was in college and as a child I really struggled with writing. I couldn’t hold a pen properly and it took me ages to write one sentence so I never finished my work in class. After parents evening and being told I wasn’t getting my work done, my dad said to me “If you were stupid I wouldn’t blame you but you’re lazy and that’s unacceptable.” I think in his own way he was trying to be kind, saying he knew I wasn’t stupid and I just needed to do the work. But this had me believing for years that my difficulties in school were my fault and me being “lazy”. That if I could just try harder I could be like the other children and accomplish the things that they could. It really messed up my self esteem. I needed support, not shaming.

My ex once thought it would be a good idea to compare me to his ex and he said he prefers my body but her face 😵‍💫 fucking wanker 🤮 I hardly remember what he looked like but I will always remember her prettier face 😐😅

Thoughtless and rude.
I completely understand how things stay in your head even when you don’t want them too.
I was told I would be so beautiful if I lost weight many years ago. I was a size 12/14 at the time.
I am much bigger than that these days and if somebody commented on my appearance I hope I would tell them where to shove their unasked for comments but sometimes things just leave you so gobsmacked that you say nothing then seethe later.
People can be attractive at any size and if somebody else has a narrow idea of beauty that is their issue.

In my mid 20s, I went ski-ing and the teacher was an Englishman in his late 50s/early 60s, who went out to Courcheval every season. He asked a few of us if we wanted to try cross-country one day and off we went. When we stopped for lunch, he said to me ,' You've done really well this morning. You've got great stamina and you're actually very fit for someone who is overweight. You've got a beautiful face. If you just lost that weight you'd be stunning.'

I was 5ft 7 and a size 14 at the time. I'd split up with my boyfriend and I weighed 10st 6. I was blonde, tanned and I knew I looked good, but I immediately felt like a huge walrus. This came from a man who had no hair apart from a straggly grey bit at the back, and a huge beaky nose, was about 5ft 5 and he must have weighed 10st wet through- none of which I would have dreamt of mentioning as a retort. I think he actually thought he was complimenting me. I have photos from that holiday and DH thinks I look amazing, I just see a blob.

Another incident that sticks in my mind, was when I saw my Aunty at her Birthday party. We hadn't seen one another since my wedding 3 years prior and she said 'oh! I didn't recognise you, your face looks much bigger'. I was mortified. Everyone laughed, DH and I joined in on the laughter. I didn't want to make a deal of it. DH always points out Fat Face clothing shops when we're out and about now and it does make me laugh - I just have no idea why some people don't think before they speak because clearly its hurtful and is going to embarrass the person on the receiving end.

A man at a party wanted to get past me and as he put his hands on my hips from behind to move me, which I hate anyway, he smirked at me saying ‘scuse me slim’. I was a size 10.

I described it badly...I filed most of my front teeth right down with a nail file so they wouldn't be as long/big.

I'd had braces as a kid and the dentists do use a little file of sorts to create space for teeth to move so it while it sounds utterly batshit, there was a method to my madness.

in my late teens my mum said I would “never be pretty”, but I was “very striking”. I’m sure there was a compliment in there somewhere but as a shy girl who had been bullied/found it hard to fit in, it cut deep!

When I was in my early teens, my grandad said to me something along the lines of: "your sister has a talent, she's as a great artist. You, however, don't have any talent"...with the meaning that I wouldn't "make it" in life because I had no talent.

It was a really mean thing to say, but I recall it now, 30 years later, and in a way I wonder if it spurred me on to work hard and do well, just so I could show him!

I've got another one! At a funeral (I think my step grandad's one) my auntie (older DSis of DM) asked me why I wasn't married yet? I was 21 and had just broken up with my fiance so broken off the engagement and cancelled the wedding which was being planned in Canada (he was Canadian, I'm English) which she full well knew. She asked me this in the funeral car. Her DH (my uncle) quite rightly laid into her about this afterwards, so I heard. My auntie now I think just turned 90 is absolutely lovely now.

I'd have shoved him! No word of a lie!

My grandad also made comments about 'pretty' and me 'not being as pretty as... or you've got prettier etc'. His other DD was a model (fairly famous in her own sphere) in 70s. When I mentioned this to DM recently she was quite surprised that he said this but I knew what he said. As a very shy teen who used to blush bright red when walking past boys playing football in the local park I didn't need put downs by my grandad (who was good-looking when younger but by 30/mid 30s this had waned a bit, he still thought he was hot stuff though, as continental).

This is the time when a swift kick to the balls or twist of the balls is justified. He probably had a small penis or ED difficulties, poor love!

I opened the door to the postman one perfectly normal morning and he looked at me and went 'Awwwww - have you been on nights?' I've never worked nights in my life but it was good to know that some random man thought I looked like shit 🙁

Thankfully, I don’t give others permission to feel bad about myself.

He did you a favour. Crowded teeth lead to dental and gum problems if not resolved

My Mam telling me it’s a good job I couldn’t have children.
“. “. “. “. I have no real friends.

other things could be mentioned.

Mine is weight too. I was about 15 and at school. I walked past two boys and we said hello. As I walked away one said to the other "She'd be better if she wasn't that big". I was 5.3 and 8.7 stone so hardly fat. When I was 18 I went to WW and weighed 8.13 - I was told I needed to be 8 stone. Never happened. I am now in my 50s and have struggled with weight ever since.

Grandmother: You won’t get a boyfriend if you eat too much
Father: you’ve put on the beef
Mother: she overreacts to everything/oh don’t worry she’s very thick skinned
Friend’s mother: your nose could do with being a bit longer
sister: you’ll end up with no friends, no kids and no job
other sister: you could be a model if you lost weight
aunt: she’s very big - do you think she’ll be up for a walk?
colleague : you look lovely today, why don’t you make an effort every day?

all of these comments from 20-40 years ago and I can still hear them clear as day.

My ex, first real partner, were together nearly a decade and he ended up becoming physically abusive (and in hindsight was emotionally abusive from the start).

A few years into our relationship, pre-physical abuse and when I was still convinced we were in love, I was feeling shit about myself (chronic low self esteem). So I asked him what he loved about me. Hoping I suppose for something about my personality, intelligence, looks etc etc.

His answer - "Umm... I love that you love and care for me so much. Oh and you make good money".

That was obviously just one example of his overall shittiness but those words cut deep. Even now I struggle to believe that I'm actually worth anything in my own right other than as a provider of love, care and financial support to others.

Dick.

I'd ignore that poster. I don't think they understand the spirit of the thread, nor how crushing it can be when you are trying so, so hard to do well but your ADHD symptoms let you down. The manager might not have thought it was a big deal what he was saying, but to someone who is really trying hard but has a hidden disability, it can be a real and memorable blow to your morale.

Ex-Boyf (from many years ago) once asked me to move myself out of the direct light that was coming though a window, as it ‘made me look really unattractive’. Erm, what he want me to do? Live like a vampire? Amazingly we were together for a few years and it was only after getting out of the relationship that I truly realised what an unpleasant gaslighting prick he was (but that’s another story..)

1983: first few weeks of working post-university. Worked in an office in the Covent Garden area. Nipped out to get a sandwich at lunchtime and on the way back a young man who was walking with his girlfriend stopped me. I assumed they were tourists asking for directions but no.

He grabbed my arm and pointed at me, then turned to his girlfriend and said: 'If you ever get as fat and ugly as her I'll leave you.' Then let go of me and they both walked off swiftly.

I was a fit, sporty size 14 (in those days when sizing was smaller) and although I'm no great beauty I'm relatively standard-looking. I let it knock my confidence for years.

I do hope she dumped him. What a sadistic bastard he must have been.