Fleeting comments that still sting years later

[HoorayFriday]

I was early 30's and single. Dating, but having zero luck and wondering if I'd die alone at the bottom of the stairs with my cat eating my big toe.

I confided in my best friend at the time, I was feeling low about myself and sad. Fed up of the dating world.

She said, her partner had told her that "if I lost a bit of weight I could have anyone I wanted".

Was it a back handed compliment? Meant to hurt me? Meant to make me feel better? Why would she say that? I had no idea.

Years later, it still pops up in my head like that unexpected morning pimple.

I've always carried a few extra pounds, I love my food! But, I was by no means what you'd describe as "big".

Anyway, it stung. A lot. And certainly didn't make me feel better.

It made me wonder if anyone else had a carefree passing comment, that probably meant nothing to the person who said it, yet hit you to the core and stayed with you years later?

Thanks @NotestoSelf for making me feel even shitter about something that’s haunted me for the last 17 years, that’s great.

I'm guessing a lot of people just don't realise the impact their comments have on others. I've probably mentioned things to others unknowingly. Just the slightest comments can really jar and manifest.

This has reminded me...

A nasty elderly woman in a cafe...she'd already said something nasty about my looks ("you look awful! Baby kept you up all night?!"...I was 20 and didn't have a baby) when she piped up to a girl nearby, "haven't you got BEAUTIFUL teeth!!! They are lovely and small and white...not like HER (me)." Turned to me with absolute venom in her eyes and said "yours are BIG. Like HORSE teeth." then cackled like a witch for what seemed like ages.

When I got home, I took a nail file to my teeth and filed loads of them off 😥

There are a few that stick in my mind.

One was my cousin's wife, we were at a restaurant and I had just lost my Dad, I was 13 and a bit overweight, a big size 12. I reached for a second piece of bread as the food hadn't arrived yet, and she leaned over and snapped my hand away from it and said, "don't be so greedy'.
She was naturally slim and tall, and 12 years older so I looked up to her.

The other was my uncle, again round the same sort of time, he told me, unprovoked, that his wife weighed 7.5 stone, and that's what I should be weighing? That one led me to go to the edge of hell with bulimia for 20 years.

I don't blame them for my (ongoing) ED, but those comments still stick in my head as if they were yesterday.

But sometimes the really stinging comments do stay with you. And a lot of times people just don't think.

Many years ago, not quite along this line, we had family friends who lived near us and would take me and my DB out and invite us round (they had dogs) and also a friend of theirs who was an antiques dealer took us out too. Later on they moved and had children. I used to sometimes visit them when they moved because they'd y moved near my grandad which was a 30 minute bus ride away and he was tutoring me in French (he was dual national French/German). One day they both suggested I shouldn't call round again as it was eating into their family time. It was the way this was said, quite aggressive and in the street. I was about 16 and a bit shy. So I came back to my parents and suggested we cut off this friendship, which we did. There's no need to speak to a 16 year old that way. The woman tried to be friendly years afterwards, when she was divorced and I ignored her. Her DH was always much nicer than she was, more friendly and tactful. The other friend, the antiques dealer, was still friends with them but then they limited contact with her too, for some reason, we still stayed friends with the antiques dealer who was/is lovely.

A lot of these are really sad and upsetting. The words were designed to sting.
I remember after my school formal, the pictures from the night were printed in the paper. I was in one of the pictures. A few days later a woman told me she had seen my picture and I "looked really well". I was pleased with the comment till she added "you must've had a lot of make up on." I'm fairly sure that comment was meant to be cruel

Here's one that I think was an innocent comment that meant no harm but still stung.
I sent a greetings card to woman I knew for a big milestone birthday. A few weeks later I bumped into her in town. She said to thank my dd (8 years old) for writing her such a lovely card. "It was so nice that she had written it herself."That was my hand writing. Something I've always been self conscious of but no mater how hard I try my hand writing never looks good.

I can honestly say I don't think of it on purpose, nor dwell. When I'm feeling a bit down though it pops automatically to the front of my mind, like self sabotage to reinforce my negative thoughts.
I don't doubt that she probably has no clue her comment had a lasting impact on my self esteem. I don't remember it daily and am generally an upbeat person, but we all have our bad days, and that's when negative comments from the past seem to re-emerge. I wish they didn't!

Honestly, @Excited101 -- I'm sure it's happened to large numbers of people at some point, especially those who were working comparatively young and had undiagnosed conditions!

I can imagine you were taken aback and upset at the time, but having your performance commented on negatively on by your manager aged 21 isn't something that should have 'haunted' you for the best part of two decades, unless he/she was spectacularly cruel and tactless about it. We've probably all under-performed at some point.

My HoD in my first job tried to get me fired out of the blue at the end of my probation period, after professing satisfaction with my work all along -- he just came out with something he had literally never mentioned as an issue at an extremely formal meeting that usually operated as a mechanism for confirming someone in post. It was pure spite, as I discovered later he hadn't wanted me, he'd had another candidate in mind. It was publicly humiliating and upsetting at the time, but it hasn't 'haunted'me.

When I was 12 one of my 'best friends' told me 'your nose is wonky, your face is weird and you have bushy eyebrows - but your hair is ok.' (My eyebrows were not made for the 90s but have come into their own now 🤣

For 20 years I remembered that, and if I'm having a bad hair day or get a bad hair cut I felt devastated, linked to years of feeling like my hair was the only part of me that was ok. In the last few years I have realised this was nonsense and I'm starting to feel better about myself - not gorgeous but not allowing others to dictate my value.

I always hammer into my children how they must not make unkind remarks even jokingly because you don't know how it will impact someone.

This is awful. I can only imagine how that made you feel. How rude and vulgar of anyone to think it's OK to openly discuss in front of you, your level of attractiveness according to them!
Maybe your Mum just agreed as felt awkward?
Still, I feel for you.

Bully for you. Why are you telling @Excited101 how she should feel?

My MIL asked me if I felt less of a woman because I could not have children.

I so wish I had come back with a great comment.

During a trip back home to a European country, we were visiting family friends. The mother commented that my sister and I were pretty. My mother said ‘ people say that but I don’t think they are anything special’.

We were primary aged and I have never believed a compliment since.

I was at dinner with my exH and I passed comment on how another woman in the room looked (nothing horrible, more like she has clearly spent a lot of time getting herself done up) and he said “well, you’re no oil painting yourself”. I was so crushed. My husband! The one person who’s supposed to always think you’re at least ok! That was when I realised he didn’t even like me very much and certainly wasn’t attracted to me.

When I was at high school another girl walked up to me and announced in a loud voice "You know you'd be quite pretty if you lost weight". I was absolutely mortified. What gave her the right to give her uninvited opinion on my looks? I wouldn't mind but I was 5ft 10" and a size 12/14 but she was tiny so, looking back, I probably looked like a giant to her. I developed an eating disorder in my late teens and I'm not blaming her entirely but her comments have always stuck with me. Years later I've heard she runs a ladies clothing shop and I just hope she doesn't still come out with her judgy remarks on other people's appearance, or rather, I hope she does and gets rightly told where to go!

My MIL, has said a few over the years but the one that really sticks with me was 'oh so it's your fault then'. In relation to my son having being diagnosed with asthma, as my sister has asthma and I've always had skin issues.

Totally forgetting that her son, DH had similar symptoms as a child but she never let them treat him. It still annoys me everytime.

A friend said something like 'It's OK for you, you earn your living on your back'.

Context - this friend had seen me lose everything at the end of a bad marriage. Literally ended up bankrupt and sofa surfing. Was there when I did an OU degree, clawed my way back, got a good job, decent house and got my life back on track. Always being good supporting friends to each other. My life changed a few years back when I met my wealthy partner and eventually stopped working to be with him. I am very lucky. I've taken my friend on holidays and treated them to various things in the past. This comment came when they fancied a change of job and wanted us to sack a member of staff so that they could have the job. Suddenly I saw the jealousy behind this comment.

I turned on my heel, went into my house and ignored the doorbell. Eventually they drove off. If said friend is reading I couldn't give a monkeys.

Some of the posts on here are so sad.

Some passing comments seem to be made with no malice, yet somehow hurt - others are very clearly intended to hurt/humiliate. It makes me wonder if those people are bitter and unhappy themselves and release their vitriol as a way of making themselves feel better. There has to be some psychological reason why people get glee from putting others down and shaming them. I bet if we dug deep, those very people have inward deep unhappiness, maybe by something that was said to them in the past. It's almost a case of the abused become the abuser.
Now I think back, my 'friend' had always been the single one, desperately seeking a partner. But, here we were, years later, roles reversed. She was coupled up and happy and I was the 'single one'. Maybe she felt empowered to be the smug coupled up person now. Maybe she wanted me to feel crap and unworthy as she had felt for years. Or maybe she had no clue and no malice was intended 🤷‍♀️
I certainly wouldn't purposely ever want to say something to make someone feel bad about themselves. It makes me sad that some do though.

My best friend told me I was always a fun sponge (when I was trying to stop her drunkenly destroying the house we were renting (in my name) for her hen night). It hurt.

While these are awful comments - what is wrong with people - and I too have a long list of them - please remember NO ONE, absolutely NO ONE has the right to dictate how you feel about your body or appearance. Comments say EVERYTHING about the person saying them - their insecurities, experiences, culture, and nothing about you.

I was shy, quiet and did well academically as a child.

One day, as an adult, I plucked up all my courage and said to her "you never say anything positive about my childhood".

Her response: "there's nothing positive to say".

They are people who haven't done the work on making themselves a better person yet, hopefully one day they will.

My ex said he really loved my fun personality and because of that "he'd be less likely to go off with someone good looking"

😫

I stayed with him for about another 8 years 😱

My husband one said in passing that my face 'has a natural sneer' and that's never really left me.

Neither of us can remember why he said it or the context, but I'm so conscious of my damn face now.