Fleeting comments that still sting years later

[HoorayFriday]

I was early 30's and single. Dating, but having zero luck and wondering if I'd die alone at the bottom of the stairs with my cat eating my big toe.

I confided in my best friend at the time, I was feeling low about myself and sad. Fed up of the dating world.

She said, her partner had told her that "if I lost a bit of weight I could have anyone I wanted".

Was it a back handed compliment? Meant to hurt me? Meant to make me feel better? Why would she say that? I had no idea.

Years later, it still pops up in my head like that unexpected morning pimple.

I've always carried a few extra pounds, I love my food! But, I was by no means what you'd describe as "big".

Anyway, it stung. A lot. And certainly didn't make me feel better.

It made me wonder if anyone else had a carefree passing comment, that probably meant nothing to the person who said it, yet hit you to the core and stayed with you years later?

I was a fat child. I was a ladies size 16 at 10 so I knew I was fat. But a boy in my class called me a heffalump. And that started a lifetime of eating disorders. I've been every size from a 10 to a 24. Just now I'm a size 16 but slowly losing weight again but I feel disgusting again.

However I have 2 daughters and I am determined not to put my weight issues onto them. I tell them every day that they are beautiful and i love them.

I was bullied throughout primary school. I remember being upset one day and crying that I didn't have anyone to play with and that nobody liked me. My mum said (exasperatedly), "well no wonder".

God, that still hurts 40 years later.

I was a fat child. I was a ladies size 16 at 10 so I knew I was fat. But a boy in my class called me a heffalump. And that started a lifetime of eating disorders. I've been every size from a 10 to a 24. Just now I'm a size 16 but slowly losing weight again but I feel disgusting again.
I feel your pain, GrandTheftWalrus. I was fat as a child, and every time we went clothes shopping, l remember my mother huffing and sighing "Last resort...." when we went into clothes shops. It stays with you. x

I was 10 years old and trying to cut slices off a hard block of cheese with a blunt knife for a sandwich.

I couldn't cut thinly very well so with 1) rubbish skills and 2) rubbish knife so the slices were on the thicker side.

My father saw and said "look how much you've taken, greedy pig."

He wasn't a very nice person.

It's stuck with me.

Also I was abused by a pedophile who remarked what a 'tummy' I had. That remark is the one lasting triggering thing from the abuse.

Funnily enough I border on anorexic with a fear of gaining fat or looking greedy.

I get how you feel, I had similar. However I'll bet your friend's dad (and anyone else who noticed) only thought you loved that outfit so much you wanted to wear it all the time, not that it was the only one you had. I bet if he really knew it was your only outfit (and how would/could he have known that? He couldn't have a clue what other clothes you had) he wouldn't have said anything like what he said.

I often felt shamed for various reasons growing up, but it's important to remember that not everyone else could see inside your world or your thoughts, but when you are shamed or conditioned to feel ashamed, you assume everyone can see everything about you, but they honestly can't x

I was 11 and told by a teacher at High school I needed to take more pride in my appearance as I was making myself a target for others to bully. I literally had one uniform that I would wash in a sink and wear when it was still sometimes wet as I came from a really awful background and I actually ended up in care the following year. Still now makes me fell dirty when I think about it.

I got married at 18 to my childhood sweetheart and we worked our socks off to get my DB out of care and living with us. At 18 I was married and looking after an 11 year old. I was neurotic ( still am) and he always had the most smartest uniform even if it meant us going without. I became a school teacher and that probably stems from that comment made to me. I have over the years identified quite a few neglected children and supported them. That comment still haunts me

Walking past a homeless guy who said "Can you give me some of your fat? You've got plenty to spare. I'm skin and bones". I later found out he'd said the same thing to my friend. Neither of us were overweight.
At the family planning clinic. The nurse told me it was shocking that I weighed nearly 10 stone and I really needed to "control myself" and eat less. I'm 5ft 8 and my BMI was 21 at the time.

I wonder if he was really homeless? I would surprised if someone genuinely reliant on the charity of strangers would insult them as they passed. Shocking ignorance from the nurse!

A gay friend of mine was called a “fag*t” by a beggar when he wouldn’t give him any money. He replied quick as a flash, “A fag*t with a house”.

Doh - the stars buggered that up 🙄

I have two..

The day I picked up my degree results (20 years ago), I was disappointed because I’d got firsts for all the units but just tipped in to a 2:1 because my dissertation wasn’t as good. He said “some people just aren’t very academic”. More qualifications and a masters later, it still makes me question everything I do when I have to write things.

A counsellor I was seeing after a terrible relationship breakdown. “Have you thought about losing weight? You’d be so pretty if you lost weight.” From an actual, qualified counsellor. 🫣

Most people have something they “ fake “ a bit because it doesn’t come naturally to them. I’d rather have your issue than faking kindness, which is where many people have to pull out the acting.

An ex of mine 25+ years ago was always having a dig at me about my weight. Always trying to get me to join gym classes. I was about 9 and a half stone and a size 12. He very kindly packed his stuff and left me a note and left 2 weeks before our wedding! Fast forward to now I’m a size 22 but look much younger than my 53 years. I’ve been married to a lovely man for 25 years who loves me for who I am.
Ex married a very slim and stunning woman who bled him dry and left him in a mess financially. He’s bald, looks much older than his 53 years and is single!
I like to think karma played a part!

This is really sad.

There are so many cruel people out there. I don't really believe all of these things are 'thoughless' or 'harmless'. They were deliberately amusing themselves.

My father knew I was sensitive about my crooked nose. When I was about 16 he did two things. When he was cross with me about something he told me my nose was "like a potato". Also, when I expressed admiration for the prettiness of a woman who had won a beauty contest and wished that i could, he said "haha you would have to put a bag over your head".

I never quite recovered from either although I have never said anything to him in adulthood. I am old now and it doesn't matter much any more but the comments very much coloured my self-image as a young woman and, I am sure, contributed to my becoming a chronically anxious and also very promiscuous woman for years. I had to prove that I was attractive.

I have never mentioned this to him and never will (he is in his 80s now and I am sure he will say he doesn't remember either incident), but they have never left me and it still hurts even to just write them down.

Mine isn't about looks. I had an absolute load of unsuccessful job interviews. About eight. I was really down about it and wondering about a complete job change to become a celebrant. It was a total wildcard, although I am good with people and getting their stories from them. Anyway, my step mum said "You are good with people but I don't think you have the authority." All those failed interviews had been for more senior management jobs and that comment really stung. Like all the interviewers would have been able to see that I had no authority.

loads from my spiteful mother one stands out when telling her that her boyfriend had made a pass at me (I was 16) she replied he is just trying to make me (meaning her) jealous

yes she did stay with him

I was 12 and had my first big crush on a boy in my class. We were sat on the same table in maths one day and he said, will you go out with me? I was ecstatic and replied, yes! To which he quickly responded, JOKE! I was so embarrassed and upset. I struggle with not feeling good enough for anyone and do think this silly comment all those years ago played a part.

These are from my late mother

"Poor baby, deprived of the comfort of her Mother's breast" when my DD was 10 days old and I had raging MRSA breast abscess and had been told not to breastfeed on the antibiotics they were giving me (just for context, Myself and my brother were bottle fed).

"Well, you didn't think that through educationally speaking did you?" When I told her I was pregnant with my DS, due in late May. She was a teacher. No congratulations or excitement at another grandchild!

"Aren't you lucky, having a husband who will babysit" No explanation required given they were HIS children too!

And lots of "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me" as a bullied child

My mum said, after I had cooked and served a nice meal, and in front of other family members, "of course, your sister is the cook in this family". I know she didn't mean it in a bad way and wouldn't ever have said that I was a bad cook, but it still stings.
I was known as 'the clever one'. My sister (the cook) was known as 'the practical one' (to be fair she is an excellent cook, good seamstress, etc. etc.). My other sister was known as 'the musical one'.

I was a bit older when this happened to me. Sunk any self esteem I had and I think led me to become promiscuous and desperate for a time.

Over it now, hope you are too xx

I’d stepped off a train to London and within 10 minutes of arrival had been sworn at by a homeless man who’d asked for change. I didn’t have any on me. He looked affronted and said ‘you look nice, but really you’re a cunt’. Nice. Can’t say it really bothered me at the time but it has stuck with me.

Re: “sticks and stones may break my bones” - from the song Sticks and Stones by The Divine Comedy:

Broken bones fuse together,
Bruises never last for long,
But once they're said, words stay spoken
And hearts stay broken
From that moment on…

Please try and not give this non person anymore power. He was wrong. He was rude. He can be irrelevant if you can allow yourself to believe it.

Tomorrow go and buy yourself a lovely new lipstick.