Fleeting comments that still sting years later

[HoorayFriday]

I was early 30's and single. Dating, but having zero luck and wondering if I'd die alone at the bottom of the stairs with my cat eating my big toe.

I confided in my best friend at the time, I was feeling low about myself and sad. Fed up of the dating world.

She said, her partner had told her that "if I lost a bit of weight I could have anyone I wanted".

Was it a back handed compliment? Meant to hurt me? Meant to make me feel better? Why would she say that? I had no idea.

Years later, it still pops up in my head like that unexpected morning pimple.

I've always carried a few extra pounds, I love my food! But, I was by no means what you'd describe as "big".

Anyway, it stung. A lot. And certainly didn't make me feel better.

It made me wonder if anyone else had a carefree passing comment, that probably meant nothing to the person who said it, yet hit you to the core and stayed with you years later?

I'm now 40, my mother calling me " thunder thighs" ( I was a size 6/8!!) regularly still plays on my mind every now and again. I haven't seen her since I was 15.
I try and be very careful with my words to my own child.

Oh and my mum! At my DB's wedding, I'd made a really big effort with a nice dress and done my hair and makeup etc (usually I'm a bit of a slob) and just as we were leaving the registry office for photos etc my mum looked me up and down and said "Do you know, I think this is the biggest you've ever been!". Well thanks mother 😅

I wasn't even huge, maybe size 12? Anyway I'm a 14 now and I'm fine with that so meh!

My dad: "Unfortunately, you've inherited the heavy Carter legs" (meaning that I had big thighs like the women on my mum's side)

My well-meaning friend: "Being at your house always makes me feel better about the state of my house." (To be fair, this has really motivated me to tidy up more.)

'Nice arse, shame about the face'

Said about me not to me, but I overheard. Ouch!

I often worry about passing remarks I have made and forgotten in case other people have carried them with them and I have no idea!!

Whilst having a smear the nurse said ‘urgh I can feel your spine , oh your poor husband must find that really uncomfortable’! I was shell shocked !

When I was a kid I remember dancing at a disco and someone said to me that I looked like I was doing aerobics. Since then I don’t enjoy dancing at all, very self conscious. Don’t mind having a dance in the kitchen with my kids, but that’s as far as it goes.

'When I look at you, there's nothing behind your eyes.' By a psychiatrist. To 16 year old me.

Did it do any permanent damage to your teeth though? What a horrible woman - why would a complete stranger think she had the right to comment on other people like this? Ugh!

Oh this one wasn't even aimed at me but I was still shocked at the time and felt so bad for my friend!

Last year of primary school so aged 10 or 11. My friend's mum was a dinner lady with a very LOUD voice. Friend's mum was stood next to us as our class all filed in chatting to a teacher and as her dd walked by, ruffled her hair, turned to the teacher and said in the most booming voice "Well, [dd] will never be pretty but at least she has good hair! Shame the face doesn't match!!! HAHAHA"

The whole year heard and the poor girl looked completely mortified and close to tears ☹️

😲😲 shocking that she said that!

A woman said to me "she is not a pretty baby is she" about DD. FUCK THAT BITCH FOREVER.

DM saying to my young DS “ look here’s Mummy waddling along”

Always been self-conscious about my calves, have always had heavier legs even when at my lowest weight.

Works night out, I was around 18, I put a dress on and it took a lot to do it because of my legs! I usually always wore trousers, jumpsuits etc but decided since it was Christmas I'd go all out with a dress, end of the night and mum came to pick me up and as I was leaving the pub some guy snorted and said "look at her fat legs" to another guy and they started laughing...I was around 9st wearing a size 10, have never worn a dress since and now in my 30s!

Myself and two other women had to pass a group of about 10 men in single file. As the first two walked past one of the men commented loudly they'd like to f**k them, then as I walked past he said "not that" in a really nasty tone, and all his friends burst out laughing. I really shouldn't have cared. What he said about the first two wasn't nice either. But I just felt so humiliated. The fact he called me "that" as if I wasn't even a person. I had to fight back tears and I've never forgotten it.

The one from my childhood that still hurts is me telling my mum I wanted to be an air hostess (as they were called back then) and her bluntly saying "you're not pretty enough". She also used to say my sister got the looks and I got the brains, which was insulting to both of us!

wow! that is terrible!!!

A guy introducing me to his new partner as this is Helleboress she used to be gorgeous! 🤐I had put on quite a bit of weight after my first child and talk about shake my confidence. He was an arse of course, a womaniser type but it still stung.

My mother - Said to me of my partner of 10 years and living together jointly owned property said well no ring on your finger so he not classed as family
Here i am now 20 years together and married - know for a fact she whines about not being included in our lives much

My mum told me I’d never be pretty. She said “you’re ATTRACTIVE, but you’ll never be pretty”.

My mum was talking to another mum and not sure how they got onto it but i remember my mum saying with what I thought of as sadness "yes TorroFerney used to be really slim". I was probably 15/16 and maybe nine and a half stone at 5 ft 2 so not skinny but crikey why would you make comments about weight in front of your child.

I am 51 now and every time I see my mum she is banging on about some facet of her appearance , usually her hair. I reflected last time I saw her that it's something I just don't do with my teenager, it's just boring.

I once was the one who made an awful comment and it still haunts me now. No consolation to anybody here of course but as soon as the words left my mouth I was ‘wtf’ at myself.

Doing outreach work as a youth mentor I seemed to rub another worker up the wrong way. It was my first time at a new community venue and I had never met this woman before or exchanged anything other than pleasantries. She sat back in her chair, looked me up and down and threw back her head in laughter saying ' you're sooooo funny'. Not said in a nice likeable way but clearly taking the piss out of shy, young, polite me. I wonder if she did this to the vulnerable teenagers she was working with. The thing is people like this don't realise the effect they have on others; I was working so hard on my confidence at the time and stepping out of my comfort zone in order to help others but she really knocked me back.

When my baby was around a week old I went to meet up with NCT mum friends for the first time since we'd had our babies. It was a tough and isolating time for me, I had no family nearby and no friends with children, I felt very alone and overwhelmed. I was just so looking forward to spending a couple of hours with these nice women and introducing our little babies.

My DP walked some of the way with me. He kept criticising my appearance, why did I have mud on my boots, why hadn't I done my hair properly, why wasn't I wearing a better jacket. Finally he looks at me with disgust, shakes his head and says "Why do you never keep yourself looking nice?".

In the scheme of things, it's no where near the worse thing he's ever said to me. But it just in that moment shattered me. I think about it every single time I meet up with new people, and it was years ago now.

Aw that’s horrible. And so hurtful. I feel your pain - when I was 14/15 I was friends with a girl who was, and still is, incredibly good looking. I was attractive but my teeth weren’t great while hers were amazing. I also had (and still have) no clue how to dress, while she just knew how to put herself together. I asked my mum once if she thought I was as attractive as my friend and she rolled her eyes and said I need to get over it because “she [my friend] is just spectacularly beautiful and there’s no point trying to compete.”

I know it’s stilly. This girl was better looking than me. But I just wanted my mum to tell me I was the most beautiful girl in the world. I was a teen struggling with self-esteem and just needed someone to tell me I was ok. Like mums need to just lie. (And it would’ve been great if she hadn’t refused me braces as a teen too 🙄).

and then last year, almost 2 decades on, she found out this friend is now doing a distinctly unglamorous job and said to me “oh how did she end up doing that? I thought she’d do something amazing. She could’ve been a movie star. When she walked in a room all eyes were on her - so rare for someone to be just so jaw-dropping my beautiful. Never seen anyone else touch her hem…” and went on and on about it.

it was like being slapped in the face all over again AND she insulted the crap out of this woman’s perfectly respectable job choice to boot.

anyway. Yes. Mothers.

It's hard to think of more toxic behaviour. Surprised she didn't dump him on the spot.

I asked my usually kind and loving dad ( I was about 12) if I was pretty. He paused for a little too long and said ‘ you have an interesting face’. I know he was trying to be honest but geez it destroyed me.