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Original poster

There's always a fight!!! Spending Mothers Day with my mum and my children

621 replies

Asher09 · 06/03/2024 05:26

I've been a mum for 3 years now and my husband and I have a fight every year where he makes a big deal about the kids not seeing his mum on Mothers Day.

When we were married (without kids) we would work with each others siblings and split the day or alternate days. Now that I've become a mum I believe the day should be about me but every year its overshadowed by his expectations and feelings.

I have ALWAYS suggested seeing his mum TOGETHER the day before mothers day but he always wants to coordinate that with his sister who doesnt make it easy for us (shes a single parent so doesnt have a MIL to deal with btw). I have even suggested us taking MIL out separately if his sister cant come - but he doesnt like that.

My first mothers day, we did the day before lunch with his mum and then the day of breakfast with my mum. The second mothers day i suggested we do the similar thing but he left it too late to plan with his family then asked me if I can split my mothers day between his mum and mine - i respectfully declined as i had already made pland and encouraged him to spend time with his mum. He kicked off about the kids not seeing his mum that year.

This year I want to spend mothers day with the kids (not see anyone else, not even my mum) and so I politely asked him if we could split the day before between our mums. My mum works and so I suggested the breakfast with his and dinner with mine. No plan was set in stone btw, it was just a request which I was happy to change.

Despite not having spoken to his mum and sister he made loads of passive aggressive comments in our conversation 'oh so my mum will never see the kids on mothers day then?' 'Oh so I should just manage my mums expectations that she will never see the kids then' 'its pretty normal for grandparents to see their kids on mothers day' 'why do the kids see your mum on mothers day' '
Its left me feeling really annoyed as I wouldn't have minded changing plans and doing Saturday with his mum and Sunday with mine again but I feel like he has a deeper issue there with his expectations and this will be an issue every year. I have explained to him that I'm the mum and MIL hasnt given birth to them and has also had 30 years of undivided attention from him. The guilt he feels shouldn't be projected onto me. If I decide to spend mothers day with my mum and my kids that shouldn't be an issue, and if I decide to spend it alone with the kids that shouldn't be an issue either. He is free to do whatever he wants.

I find that each conversation about Mothers Day gets railroaded by his feelings. Its never about me, nor do I expect him to make it about me but its also never simple. He refuses to take his mum out without his sister so it limits what we can do, hes hell bent on his mum seeing the kids on Mothers day and he can't understand why the kids would always come with me - aparently to him its not logical.

When its Fathers Day, I dont even mention my dad, the day is solely about him. I've always said he decides how he spends the day and I will go along with what he wants. I've NEVER stopped him from seeing his mum, I've never forced him to spend time with mine and I have a good relationship with my MIL. My main point is that I havent been a mum for long and feel like i'm not being unreasonable in what I plan for what I believe is my day.

OP posts:
Hercisback · 06/03/2024 05:30

The double standards here are something else.

MinnieMountain · 06/03/2024 05:30

It’s Mother’s Day, not Grandmother’s Day.
DH is seeing MIL whilst I take DS to hockey on Sunday.

nappyvalley2024 · 06/03/2024 05:32

I do think you are being a bit unfair. It all seems to be about your feelings and wants. Have you thought about how your MIL might feel?

MeinKraft · 06/03/2024 05:33

It's a day of celebration, it's supposed to be enjoyable. Why don't you relax a bit about it instead of making it a fight every year? Why not him take the kids round to his mums on Sunday?

lazyarse123 · 06/03/2024 05:39

Just go visit it doesn't have to be a meal. But you do seem a bit unfair. We always visited both but we nearly always did that every week anyway when we had one child not so often when we had three. Which I know is not the done thing on mn.

araiwa · 06/03/2024 05:42

If you stop being unreasonable, you'll stop having fights

puzzledout · 06/03/2024 05:43

So the past two mothers days you've spent with your mum ? But you don't want to spend any with his mum?

Am I right?

Tandora · 06/03/2024 05:45

I swear there was exactly this post last year.

I honestly think you could share a little bit 🤷🏼‍♀️

Theunamedcat · 06/03/2024 05:46

Just let him go see his mother you spend the day with your kids

MrsMikeHeck · 06/03/2024 05:46

This sounds stressful for you all. It’s a hard one to navigate.

It’s clear that Mother’s Day is really important to you. From reading your post, it seems like it’s important to MIL too, and that part of her hope would be to see her son and dgc.

It also seems like you plan early, but your dh is more last minute, which isn’t helping either.

Ultimately, things aren’t going to get better while you and dh have conflicting expectations of the day. You want the day to be ‘all about you’ while DH would, understandably, like to see his own mum and knows she’d love to see her dgc.

Someone is going to need to compromise. As an outsider reading your post, it doesn’t seem like a compromise should be too hard.

duckcalledbill · 06/03/2024 05:46

Do people really care this much about Mother’s Day?

ilovelamp82 · 06/03/2024 05:51

Why don't you make it a mothers day tradition to go for a massage or something each year. He can take the kids to his Mum's while you do that and then he can take the kids to his Mum's while you do that and then have the rest of the day with your kids.

I understand how you feel. It doesn't seem like a big deal on paper but it feels like what you want on a day when you would like to feel appreciated for what you do is being shrouded in negativity and like your feelings are not valid and you feel like it will be the same every year. I can understand how that would make you feel a little sad.

Out of interest, how are your family dynamics? How would he feel if you took the kids to your Dad's for Father's day?

PoppyFleur · 06/03/2024 05:53

Is this really about Mother’s Day or is it more about the inequality between you and your DH on special occasions?

It sounds as though you prioritise your DH on Father’s Day, whilst his disorganisation leads to you being slotted in around his plans on Mother’s Day (as and when he gets around to making them).

Does he also compromise your needs and wants on your birthday and Christmas?

bridgetreilly · 06/03/2024 05:54

Just let it go? It really isn’t worth fighting about.

Original poster
Asher09 · 06/03/2024 05:56

nappyvalley2024 · 06/03/2024 05:32

I do think you are being a bit unfair. It all seems to be about your feelings and wants. Have you thought about how your MIL might feel?

Urm well, I feel that she would appreciate her son coming to spend time with her on Mothers Day, which has always been the case.

OP posts:
Original poster
Asher09 · 06/03/2024 05:57

MeinKraft · 06/03/2024 05:33

It's a day of celebration, it's supposed to be enjoyable. Why don't you relax a bit about it instead of making it a fight every year? Why not him take the kids round to his mums on Sunday?

I'm making it a fight every year? Because Sunday is Mothers Day and I want to spend the day with my kids. I have a 2 year old and a 7 month old - I also work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Asher09 · 06/03/2024 06:01

puzzledout · 06/03/2024 05:43

So the past two mothers days you've spent with your mum ? But you don't want to spend any with his mum?

Am I right?

Yes the past 2 mothers days i've spent with my mum. I've never said I didnt want to spend mothers day his mil. I simply made a request this year which I was happy to change but was met with passive aggression from his side.

OP posts:
drowninginsick · 06/03/2024 06:02

Are any of your children boys? I'm just saying you're setting them up to think they never ever have to be arsed with you on Mother's Day once they have kids.

He's being passive aggressive about it but his basic point is right does his mother never get a Mother's Day visit till yours turn 18?

MotorwayDiva · 06/03/2024 06:02

It's mother's day so I want to spend it with my child, but also want to spend it with my mum. DH can go and see his mum. On grandparents day split it up between DM and MIL.
But it's one day and wouldn't let it cause arguments either.
How often do you see parents and inlaws generally maybe that the underlying issue?

tearsandtiaras · 06/03/2024 06:03

Its a made up day . Your children are too young to remember it. Spend the whole weekend celebrating and visiting

Yearendjoy · 06/03/2024 06:03

Why is it OK for you to see your mum Mother's Day but not for him to see his Mum?

solarised · 06/03/2024 06:03

I think the whole thing sounds blown up out of proportion. Why is he unable to go and see his mum without his sister?

he always wants to coordinate that with his sister who doesnt make it easy for us (shes a single parent so doesnt have a MIL to deal with btw why should she make it easy for you? He just needs to arrange what he wants to do with his mum. I do think it's a little unfair your mum gets to see the kids just because you're also a mum.

I also hope the kids aren't aware of your arguing over them like they are toys

HotChocWine · 06/03/2024 06:03

You sound incredibly self centered

Yes it's mother day, but he has a mum too, why shouldn't he make time for her?

Give your head a wobble and stop behaving like a diva

LoudSnoringDog · 06/03/2024 06:03

Respectfully, this is ridiculous.

it’s just a day, there is no real justification for getting this wound up about the this.

you both sound like hard work.

FamilyTreeAndMe · 06/03/2024 06:05

MeinKraft · 06/03/2024 05:33

It's a day of celebration, it's supposed to be enjoyable. Why don't you relax a bit about it instead of making it a fight every year? Why not him take the kids round to his mums on Sunday?

Lol. I’m not fussed either Mother’s Day at all, but why doesn’t OPs husband relax a bit instead of fighting about it? Why can’t she choose to be with her kids on Mother’s Day? Why does MIL need to see children that she’s not the mother to on that particular day?

My MIL used to cause a huge fuss despite seeing her own children on mother’s days....for some reason she thought she should have mine too. Thankfully my partner thought she was ridiculous.