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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

There's always a fight!!! Spending Mothers Day with my mum and my children

621 replies

Asher09 · 06/03/2024 05:26

I've been a mum for 3 years now and my husband and I have a fight every year where he makes a big deal about the kids not seeing his mum on Mothers Day.

When we were married (without kids) we would work with each others siblings and split the day or alternate days. Now that I've become a mum I believe the day should be about me but every year its overshadowed by his expectations and feelings.

I have ALWAYS suggested seeing his mum TOGETHER the day before mothers day but he always wants to coordinate that with his sister who doesnt make it easy for us (shes a single parent so doesnt have a MIL to deal with btw). I have even suggested us taking MIL out separately if his sister cant come - but he doesnt like that.

My first mothers day, we did the day before lunch with his mum and then the day of breakfast with my mum. The second mothers day i suggested we do the similar thing but he left it too late to plan with his family then asked me if I can split my mothers day between his mum and mine - i respectfully declined as i had already made pland and encouraged him to spend time with his mum. He kicked off about the kids not seeing his mum that year.

This year I want to spend mothers day with the kids (not see anyone else, not even my mum) and so I politely asked him if we could split the day before between our mums. My mum works and so I suggested the breakfast with his and dinner with mine. No plan was set in stone btw, it was just a request which I was happy to change.

Despite not having spoken to his mum and sister he made loads of passive aggressive comments in our conversation 'oh so my mum will never see the kids on mothers day then?' 'Oh so I should just manage my mums expectations that she will never see the kids then' 'its pretty normal for grandparents to see their kids on mothers day' 'why do the kids see your mum on mothers day' '
Its left me feeling really annoyed as I wouldn't have minded changing plans and doing Saturday with his mum and Sunday with mine again but I feel like he has a deeper issue there with his expectations and this will be an issue every year. I have explained to him that I'm the mum and MIL hasnt given birth to them and has also had 30 years of undivided attention from him. The guilt he feels shouldn't be projected onto me. If I decide to spend mothers day with my mum and my kids that shouldn't be an issue, and if I decide to spend it alone with the kids that shouldn't be an issue either. He is free to do whatever he wants.

I find that each conversation about Mothers Day gets railroaded by his feelings. Its never about me, nor do I expect him to make it about me but its also never simple. He refuses to take his mum out without his sister so it limits what we can do, hes hell bent on his mum seeing the kids on Mothers day and he can't understand why the kids would always come with me - aparently to him its not logical.

When its Fathers Day, I dont even mention my dad, the day is solely about him. I've always said he decides how he spends the day and I will go along with what he wants. I've NEVER stopped him from seeing his mum, I've never forced him to spend time with mine and I have a good relationship with my MIL. My main point is that I havent been a mum for long and feel like i'm not being unreasonable in what I plan for what I believe is my day.

OP posts:
PatchworkElmer · 06/03/2024 07:14

I think the real problem here is that you’re both massively ‘dug in’ to your positions and unwilling to give an inch… over something that doesn’t really matter?

I can see where your DH is getting frustrated in the sense that it’s been 2 years of you and the children not seeing MIL, but now it suits you that can change. I think he’s being equally daft though!!

It sounds like your MIL is helping you out a lot with childcare, is an involved grandmother, and taking the children to see her on Mother’s Day shouldn’t be a huge deal. Personally I’d just have lunch with everyone (this isn’t too many people even with your SIL and her child). However if they really can’t get along for 1 lunch then do breakfast with 1 and lunch with another as you have suggested. Job done.

olympicsrock · 06/03/2024 07:14

OP technically YANBU and DH is being a bit dim about the purpose of Mother’s Day.

However many people don’t see their Mum at all for example mine is 6 hours away. We don’t make it all about one day. I’m not sure this is a hill to die on.

Ihearditfrommyradio · 06/03/2024 07:15

It's an absolute non event of a day, I cannot believe how people get worked up about this.

Do none of you have special days with mothers or with your kids on any other day?

Absolute performative nonsense.

NellyNilly · 06/03/2024 07:16

There seems to be a bit of a weird thing on MN that mothers day is about the grandparent generation of mothers and not their DILs or Daughters who are also...mothers?

I could never once imagine my MIL wanting to make mothers day all about her and not acknowledging that now I am a mother myself, the day should also ne about what I want. Her child is their dad, your husband. He can see her. You are your children's mother so why should they not be with you?

Original poster
Asher09 · 06/03/2024 07:16

Cherrysoup · 06/03/2024 07:10

So start taking them! Make it all about the grandfather, same as he made it all about the grandmother. Why wouldn’t you do the same?

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I think I just see the whole thing really differently. On Fathers Day its about my husband being a father to my kids. I appreciate him and want to show him that, especially these early years. If he wants to spend the day with the kids or even his family i go a long with his plans because i treat it as his day... i dont have it in me to take that away from him or shit all over it. My dad is happy with a call/card and another day.

OP posts:
NellyNilly · 06/03/2024 07:18

I also can't ever imagine expecting my husband to go and see my dad to the point of falling out over it, on father's day. He's my father not DHs?

pickledandpuzzled · 06/03/2024 07:20

@Asher09 does he ever see his mum without the kids? Does he go on his own?

Is this about using them as to oil the relationship with his mum? He seems to want to go to see her mob handed, sister, nephew and kids. Does he take them without you?

Cherrysoup · 06/03/2024 07:20

Asher09 · 06/03/2024 07:16

I think I just see the whole thing really differently. On Fathers Day its about my husband being a father to my kids. I appreciate him and want to show him that, especially these early years. If he wants to spend the day with the kids or even his family i go a long with his plans because i treat it as his day... i dont have it in me to take that away from him or shit all over it. My dad is happy with a call/card and another day.

Show quote history

Then remind him of this and ask why you aren’t accorded similar courtesy, given how he’d be if the day weren’t all about him. Sauce for the goose and all that.

LiveLaughCryalot · 06/03/2024 07:22

So your DH gets to spend fathers day doing exactly as he wishes and wants you to spend mother's day exactly how he wishes?
It's very simple in this house, OH takes the kids to his mums in the morning, I might go or I might stay in bed. Then I spend the rest of the day with the kids and take them to see my mum, we go out for lunch etc. Its mother's day, I am a mum and I want to see my mum. Everyone is where they should be. MIL has dd's who do similar.
I work a lot so I do tend to use these 'special' days and birthdays etc as a chance to see family and spoil them.

TealSapphire · 06/03/2024 07:23

I can't imagine not acknowledging your own mother, grandmothers and MIL on mothers day, they've been mothers a lot longer and supported the younger generations. And doing it as a FAMILY because everything they do for you they do for your partner as well ( eg childcare).

maddening · 06/03/2024 07:24

Ask him if he is prepared to share father's day with your dad.

Original poster
Asher09 · 06/03/2024 07:25

pickledandpuzzled · 06/03/2024 07:20

@Asher09 does he ever see his mum without the kids? Does he go on his own?

Is this about using them as to oil the relationship with his mum? He seems to want to go to see her mob handed, sister, nephew and kids. Does he take them without you?

Yes he does, sometimes - the odd weekend here and there. Since we've had kids he spends his version of mothers day with everyone (his mum, dad, sister, nephew, me and our kids) then on actual mothers day will go see her again just them 2.

OP posts:
DappledThings · 06/03/2024 07:27

Asher09 · 06/03/2024 07:25

Yes he does, sometimes - the odd weekend here and there. Since we've had kids he spends his version of mothers day with everyone (his mum, dad, sister, nephew, me and our kids) then on actual mothers day will go see her again just them 2.

Show quote history

You're saying he celebrates mother's day with his mother on two separate days every year?

SgtJuneAckland · 06/03/2024 07:28

My mum said once I was a mother mother's day should be for me to spend with my children, her view is she's had plenty of years of hand made cards and breakfast in bed, and then plenty of nice lunches out etc when we were adults without children, so DH and I make sure to see our own mums around the same time, I'm going for lunch with mine the Monday after because I happen to be off work and DH DS are at work and school, we're not seeing MIL until next weekend because we have plans that involve her then and she lives an hour and 40 minutes away so said to just wait until then. DH will video call her over this weekend.

I think the problem here has been that until now you've seen your mum with the children on mother's day, but he hasn't seen his mum on mother's day (like you do) because he's making the day about you.

NeedToChangeName · 06/03/2024 07:28

I feel for your children, caught up in petty and unnecessary conflict

FishAreAsleep · 06/03/2024 07:28

Ihearditfrommyradio · 06/03/2024 07:15

It's an absolute non event of a day, I cannot believe how people get worked up about this.

Do none of you have special days with mothers or with your kids on any other day?

Absolute performative nonsense.

That’s really dismissive. I’m not bothered about Mother’s Day but OP is.

Her husband is a hypocrite because he wouldn’t like it if she took the kids to see her dad on Father’s Day.

MIL isn’t bothered anyway. And if it’s such a non event of a day, there’s no issue with OP doing what she likes is there?

Upallnight2 · 06/03/2024 07:30

duckcalledbill · 06/03/2024 05:46

Do people really care this much about Mother’s Day?

No.. I'm working 😆

FishAreAsleep · 06/03/2024 07:31

SgtJuneAckland · 06/03/2024 07:28

My mum said once I was a mother mother's day should be for me to spend with my children, her view is she's had plenty of years of hand made cards and breakfast in bed, and then plenty of nice lunches out etc when we were adults without children, so DH and I make sure to see our own mums around the same time, I'm going for lunch with mine the Monday after because I happen to be off work and DH DS are at work and school, we're not seeing MIL until next weekend because we have plans that involve her then and she lives an hour and 40 minutes away so said to just wait until then. DH will video call her over this weekend.

I think the problem here has been that until now you've seen your mum with the children on mother's day, but he hasn't seen his mum on mother's day (like you do) because he's making the day about you.

OP is happy for her husband to see his mum on Mother’s Day.

spidermonkeys · 06/03/2024 07:31

Tandora · 06/03/2024 05:45

I swear there was exactly this post last year.

I honestly think you could share a little bit 🤷🏼‍♀️

There is a similar thread EVERY year 😂

Original poster
Asher09 · 06/03/2024 07:31

PatchworkElmer · 06/03/2024 07:14

I think the real problem here is that you’re both massively ‘dug in’ to your positions and unwilling to give an inch… over something that doesn’t really matter?

I can see where your DH is getting frustrated in the sense that it’s been 2 years of you and the children not seeing MIL, but now it suits you that can change. I think he’s being equally daft though!!

It sounds like your MIL is helping you out a lot with childcare, is an involved grandmother, and taking the children to see her on Mother’s Day shouldn’t be a huge deal. Personally I’d just have lunch with everyone (this isn’t too many people even with your SIL and her child). However if they really can’t get along for 1 lunch then do breakfast with 1 and lunch with another as you have suggested. Job done.

Im not sure if it was clear in my original post but its not because its suits me I can change everything. I simply just asked if that would work this year and for him to consider my request in the planning of Mothers Day with his mum. My request wasnt set in stone and 100% if his mum said she cant do the Saturday then I would have suggested seeing her for a few hours Mothers Day morning.... the problem is 1) this would then have to be run past SIL, 2) he hadnt even spoken to his mum before he started being passive aggressive with me ans 3) his whole approach and attitude to Mothers Day and me is upsetting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Asher09 · 06/03/2024 07:33

DappledThings · 06/03/2024 07:27

You're saying he celebrates mother's day with his mother on two separate days every year?

Show quote history

Yes!

OP posts:
skippy67 · 06/03/2024 07:33

I dont ever stop my husband from seeing his mum on mothers day.
Very big of you OP.

WeAreWarriorsWeAreWarriors · 06/03/2024 07:35

Hercisback · 06/03/2024 06:14

But why does your mum get to see the grandchildren? Can you not see the unfairness?

Because the kids are with their mother. It's not unfair because on Father's Day the OP's kid's go with her husband to see FIL not OP's dad. Your husband is being unfair on the basis of his attitude to Father's Day che can't have it both ways. Though honestly I think you're all taking both days too seriously.

NoTouch · 06/03/2024 07:36

Now that I've become a mum I believe the day should be about me

It’s not, for you it is about your mum and for your dh, his mum. Or at least it should be.

When your dc are old enough it will be about you for them. Until then a token card from your dh is nice, or a card from school, but the day is not about you it is still about your mum.

My mind boggles with this entitled generation that even want to rip Mother’s Day from their own mums and make it all about me me me.

BoyMamma2 · 06/03/2024 07:36

So many people haven’t read their properly . It’s not about her mum getting preferential treatment. The kids are with her, as their mother, and she is with her mum.
there is no need for his mum to see the kids on Mother’s Day.