There's always a fight!!! Spending Mothers Day with my mum and my children

[Asher09]

I've been a mum for 3 years now and my husband and I have a fight every year where he makes a big deal about the kids not seeing his mum on Mothers Day.

When we were married (without kids) we would work with each others siblings and split the day or alternate days. Now that I've become a mum I believe the day should be about me but every year its overshadowed by his expectations and feelings.

I have ALWAYS suggested seeing his mum TOGETHER the day before mothers day but he always wants to coordinate that with his sister who doesnt make it easy for us (shes a single parent so doesnt have a MIL to deal with btw). I have even suggested us taking MIL out separately if his sister cant come - but he doesnt like that.

My first mothers day, we did the day before lunch with his mum and then the day of breakfast with my mum. The second mothers day i suggested we do the similar thing but he left it too late to plan with his family then asked me if I can split my mothers day between his mum and mine - i respectfully declined as i had already made pland and encouraged him to spend time with his mum. He kicked off about the kids not seeing his mum that year.

This year I want to spend mothers day with the kids (not see anyone else, not even my mum) and so I politely asked him if we could split the day before between our mums. My mum works and so I suggested the breakfast with his and dinner with mine. No plan was set in stone btw, it was just a request which I was happy to change.

Despite not having spoken to his mum and sister he made loads of passive aggressive comments in our conversation 'oh so my mum will never see the kids on mothers day then?' 'Oh so I should just manage my mums expectations that she will never see the kids then' 'its pretty normal for grandparents to see their kids on mothers day' 'why do the kids see your mum on mothers day' '
Its left me feeling really annoyed as I wouldn't have minded changing plans and doing Saturday with his mum and Sunday with mine again but I feel like he has a deeper issue there with his expectations and this will be an issue every year. I have explained to him that I'm the mum and MIL hasnt given birth to them and has also had 30 years of undivided attention from him. The guilt he feels shouldn't be projected onto me. If I decide to spend mothers day with my mum and my kids that shouldn't be an issue, and if I decide to spend it alone with the kids that shouldn't be an issue either. He is free to do whatever he wants.

I find that each conversation about Mothers Day gets railroaded by his feelings. Its never about me, nor do I expect him to make it about me but its also never simple. He refuses to take his mum out without his sister so it limits what we can do, hes hell bent on his mum seeing the kids on Mothers day and he can't understand why the kids would always come with me - aparently to him its not logical.

When its Fathers Day, I dont even mention my dad, the day is solely about him. I've always said he decides how he spends the day and I will go along with what he wants. I've NEVER stopped him from seeing his mum, I've never forced him to spend time with mine and I have a good relationship with my MIL. My main point is that I havent been a mum for long and feel like i'm not being unreasonable in what I plan for what I believe is my day.

Heh? Her MIL can see and spend time with her son.

OP is a mum, she want to spend time with her mum and her children, who she is the mother of

Why is that so difficult to understand?

If it was Fathers day, OP could spend the day with her father. And OPs DH could spend the day with his Father and his children.

MIL is not the mother of her grandchildren. Her feelings dont count for more than the OPs.

This is lovely. The true meaning of Mother’s Day - (or what it should be!).

I moaned on another thread about hosting DM and mil tomorrow, I take it all back!

So basically

Mothers of daughters- congratulations, you can look forward to seeing your daughters and your GC on Mother’s Day every year that your daughter chooses.

Mothers of sons- yes you’re no less a mother or grandmother but in this scenario you’re basically a second class citizen. You might see your son, if you’re lucky, but since he’s meant to be putting his wife first and she’s putting her own mum first, don’t count on it. Sucks to be you but don’t you dare express any kind of disappointment because that would be selfish.

Another mother's children! Surely this is not hard to understand? Would it be fair for a mother to take her children to see her father on Father's Day? No, it wouldn't, because the children have a father to spend the day with, and said father might want to also spend the day with his father. So this is entirely reasonable both ways. What part of this is confusing? They're all both of their children but the day has different meaning dependant on which parent it is, one is mother and one is father, as per the names of the days. And I absolutely stand firm that when my boy has children of his own, they should spend the day with their mother. And if she, in turn, wants to also spend the day with her mother that would be absolutely understandable and more than ok with me! If my son wants to spend part of the day with me, as his mother, then that would be lovely but I wouldn't be so precious and entitled to expect it

My Dad is dead, but if he weren’t, my husband is a reasonable and decent enough man to appreciate that I might want to carve out just a small chunk of time for him to see his grandchildren on Father’s Day. Doesn’t have to be all day- doesn’t have to be more than an hour- but a little goes a long way to showing that a relationship and a person is valued.

But would you be prioritising seeing your dad with your sibling and children and not listening to your husbands plans? That’s what op is saying, popping down with the kids is ok but he’s having to make a big deal with his sister and not bothering about what op wants

I am also a mum and totally agree with these comments about “ me, me, me” and the entire point being lost. It’s supposed to be an opportunity for a sweet gesture by dcs such as a homemade, heartfelt card - not an entire day of enforced homage according to the preferences as decreed by their mother. It’s nice if DH organises a meal out or similar ; but that’s a couple of hours. There are plenty of other hours in the day that don’t need to be subject to the dictates of all these Queen Bees.

Goodness. All a bit over the top. Why do you have to go.out for food. Can you not see both mums briefly, give card and/or present. Then do something with your DC.

Just disappear to your Dads on Fathers day with the children.

@Calliopespa exactly! Mothers' Day has become way too commercialised for some. It is really about a card from DC to show appreciation. Some (entitled) people expect too much. It's not a second birthday!

Presumably if you see your mum on MD then she sees your kids too? But you don’t want his mum to see them?

I agree. I had a home made card and a mug. It’s like grown adults who insist on people making a massive fuss for their birthday, rigid traditions that must be stuck to every year and high expectations for presents, surprises and visits. It’s just stress for everyone involved.

Considering the kids in the situation are 2 and 7 mo, they obviously can’t do the things described yet without help and may also not want to be without their mum who just wants to spend it at home this year and considering the weather is wet and grey in many parts, not a bad idea.

It’s not that OP has said ‘I would really prefer to keep Mother’s Day just to myself, and not involve grandparents as the day would become too rushed’ which is fair enough. It’s that she has no issue with seeing her own mother (and therefore the kids as well), but doesn’t want her MIL to see her grandchildren as well. It always seems to be this way round - her mum is exempt from the rule for some reason, while his has to stick to them.

So?

OP said this:

*No I dont need the whole day at all and appreciate how much me and the GC are loved... its more about the expectation every year of having my kids see my MIL. I make the day before super special for her, she sees the kids then. I encourage my DH to see her on MD so she doesn't feel neglected. All I ask in return is that my plans and desires be a priority. I ask for a little understanding from my DH when I DO want my kids around.

Every year my wants and needs will change. Some years just me and the kids, some years just us and my mum, some years no kids, and yes some years my MIL - the issue is just a lack of understanding and the crazy expectation.*

She makes the day before special for her MIL where MIL sees the kids. It is not like she is stopping her DH from seeing his mum on the day. She simply wants to be able to choose and decide without her DH who is the only one with the issue in this being irate over it. Even more so when he is allowed to make his own choices over it when it’s Father’s Day. His mother is not being left out and has two children and OP catering to her. She covered for both days instead of by herself.

My family is perfectly normal thank you, we might not be typical but we are normal. It is actually rude to tell people they aren't normal.

another pressurised mothers day post, sigh

I never comment usually, but I read the 1st few comments & strongly disagreed with all the “compromise” advice.
Mother’s Day is your day!!!
Screw what anyone else wants: he should be respectful of you as the mother of his child(ren) and make the day all about showing you how valued you are!! 💖

I have to say this post has literally had me in tears.

Some people have been very cruel and blunt with their words and have called OP an awful daughter in law, vile, self centred etc.

None of us know what someone is going through. Hurtful words can have a huge impact on someone’s mental health.

In a world where we can be anything, we should all remember to be kind.

His mum saw them on the Saturday when they went round to celebrate mother's day with her, and she will go and see her mother on the Sunday with her kids as it is her mother's day too. Both grannies get to see their kids and grand kids one day each. Pretty reasonable. And he can go back and see his mum again on Sunday I'm he so wishes.