There's always a fight!!! Spending Mothers Day with my mum and my children

[Asher09]

I've been a mum for 3 years now and my husband and I have a fight every year where he makes a big deal about the kids not seeing his mum on Mothers Day.

When we were married (without kids) we would work with each others siblings and split the day or alternate days. Now that I've become a mum I believe the day should be about me but every year its overshadowed by his expectations and feelings.

I have ALWAYS suggested seeing his mum TOGETHER the day before mothers day but he always wants to coordinate that with his sister who doesnt make it easy for us (shes a single parent so doesnt have a MIL to deal with btw). I have even suggested us taking MIL out separately if his sister cant come - but he doesnt like that.

My first mothers day, we did the day before lunch with his mum and then the day of breakfast with my mum. The second mothers day i suggested we do the similar thing but he left it too late to plan with his family then asked me if I can split my mothers day between his mum and mine - i respectfully declined as i had already made pland and encouraged him to spend time with his mum. He kicked off about the kids not seeing his mum that year.

This year I want to spend mothers day with the kids (not see anyone else, not even my mum) and so I politely asked him if we could split the day before between our mums. My mum works and so I suggested the breakfast with his and dinner with mine. No plan was set in stone btw, it was just a request which I was happy to change.

Despite not having spoken to his mum and sister he made loads of passive aggressive comments in our conversation 'oh so my mum will never see the kids on mothers day then?' 'Oh so I should just manage my mums expectations that she will never see the kids then' 'its pretty normal for grandparents to see their kids on mothers day' 'why do the kids see your mum on mothers day' '
Its left me feeling really annoyed as I wouldn't have minded changing plans and doing Saturday with his mum and Sunday with mine again but I feel like he has a deeper issue there with his expectations and this will be an issue every year. I have explained to him that I'm the mum and MIL hasnt given birth to them and has also had 30 years of undivided attention from him. The guilt he feels shouldn't be projected onto me. If I decide to spend mothers day with my mum and my kids that shouldn't be an issue, and if I decide to spend it alone with the kids that shouldn't be an issue either. He is free to do whatever he wants.

I find that each conversation about Mothers Day gets railroaded by his feelings. Its never about me, nor do I expect him to make it about me but its also never simple. He refuses to take his mum out without his sister so it limits what we can do, hes hell bent on his mum seeing the kids on Mothers day and he can't understand why the kids would always come with me - aparently to him its not logical.

When its Fathers Day, I dont even mention my dad, the day is solely about him. I've always said he decides how he spends the day and I will go along with what he wants. I've NEVER stopped him from seeing his mum, I've never forced him to spend time with mine and I have a good relationship with my MIL. My main point is that I havent been a mum for long and feel like i'm not being unreasonable in what I plan for what I believe is my day.

ORRRRR I could make Saturday about MIL and my mum and spend the actual mothers day with my kids.... while also having my hisband see his mum both days..... like i always have suggested

Is this really how some people live their lives? Don't you all see each other on a fairly regular basis anyway?

If Mother's Day is to you and your husband like Christmas Day is to the rest of the population, can't you just figure it out?

See one in the morning and one in the afternoon. There's enough time in the day. Or alternate which years the kids go to which gran with their parent.

Honestly, what a lot of nonsense between grown adults.

The more you post the more self centred you seem!

It’s fair because it’s Mother’s Day and everyone gets to spend it with their mother. OPs mum sees her grandchildren if OP sees her mother, simply because the children will be with her. She’s not seeing her mum on Mother’s Day this year so therefore OPs mum won’t see the kids. It’s not difficult.

Having one celebration isn’t the way forward if OP isn’t happy with that. She gets to choose what she does with her young children as she’s the mother. OPs partner gets to choose what he does with his young children on Father’s Day because he’s the father.

OP has said that her partner wouldn’t be happy with her taking the kids to see her dad on Father’s Day. That alone would mean that I wouldn’t be discussing it further if I was the OP. He’s a hypocrite.

Yes. Its his mothers day with his mum and he can spend the day how he chooses.

You need to compromise. One year see your mum on MD and one year see his. Or if you see both as you live close then one year you do breakfast with his mum (consolation prize) and one year lunch /dinner (much better).

Don't set the example to your dc that they can ignore you on MD when you are older. You will want to see DGC so let his mum see her DGC.

Or she could do the reverse of that which she’s happy to do. Saturday split between her own mum and MIL and Sunday with her own children.

He’s the one being awkward.

I’m sure you posted this last year. Honestly you should try and share the day out. My mil passed away two years ago. We all miss her. If I had done what you’ve done I would have serious regrets. This is very self centred behaviour. You wouldn’t even have your children if it wasn’t for this woman.

It sounds like he thinks his own mum's wishes for Mothers Day should trump yours. Could he compromise by cooking a delicious lunch for you, MIL and SIL to show you all how much he cares?

Not sure why you're getting a hard time, OP, either all the posters replying saying YABU can't read properly or are nightmare MILS to be in waiting. Especially in light of the fact that your husband takes the kids to see his father on Father's Day and you have to see your father alone. That's exactly what you are proposing he does but on Mother's Day in reverse so it's massively hypocritical of him to be annoyed. Let him have his way this Mothers Day, then come Fathers Day you know what to do.

Her husband wouldn’t like it if the shoe was on the other foot, and gets to decide exactly what he wants to do on Father’s Day so not sure why so many posters are giving him so much sympathy when he is annoyed that OP wants to spend Mother’s Day the way she wants. She’s not stopping him seeing his mum on Mother’s Day or the day before. She expressed that she wanted to split the day before with both mothers so not sure why that is such a problem when his mum will see the children the day before just not on Mother’s Day and he can see his mum on both days if he chose to.

This.
When did Mothers Day become this huge stressful day for some? Glad I ignore it.

I didnt post last year. I have a good relationship with my MIL which is why every year I have planned to see her for Mothers Day just not on Mothers Day, theres nothing malicious on my part for me to regret. She's never even complained - its coming from my husband.

Personally I’d love it if DH took the kids to his mums on Mother’s Day whilst I had a hot bath/relax in peace 😆He did this last year and great!

This.

It's nice to have a day to mark mothers, and mother figures. But the utter drama of all these posts.

I've never done anything in particular on Mother's Day (my own mum doesn't care about it much, I send a card & call but even that she's disinterested in).

For me, as a single parent, if I can have a peaceful day with the DC & no rows, that's absolutely perfect. I appreciate the cards they make & small gifts if their pocket money rises to it, but that's it.

All the 'making Mother's Day about me' threads are baffling. Celebrate your mums but don't get into arguments about times and events.

Yeah my idea of a good mother's day is at least a couple of hours peace from the kids, while they visit their grandparents with their dad. Even now we've split up I'm ok with him taking them there for lunch or dinner no matter whose 'day' it is.

I don't like a fuss on mothers day for me but do like to visit my mum and grandmother. My Grandma is in her 90's and she definitely deserves the most recognition having been there all these years for her kids and now grandkids and great grandchildren.

So start taking them! Make it all about the grandfather, same as he made it all about the grandmother. Why wouldn’t you do the same?

Yes this sounds great and I know loads of mums who do this, i'm sure i'll get to this stage of motherhood eventually lol

That’s great, but OP wants something different.

Why not let him take the kids to his mum and you spend that time relaxing and doing something you enjoy ! Mother's day doesn't have to be "spend the day with kids" day ... it can (and IMHO should) be "get a break from all the drudgery there is being a mother"

It's obviously totally up to you what you do. I don't really see mother's Day in quite the same way. I think when you are a mother of young children, it is about home made cards, cuddles and a limp bunch of daffodils because that is what they can do for you. But the really good mother's days should happen when your kids are grown up. By that point you've put in decades of parenting effort!

Your mother in law looks after your children while you work, so did mine (they are at school now). This is an absolutely gargantuan huge favor. I very much appreciate my wonderful mother in law and because of this I always make sure we see ALL see her on mother's Day. It seems a little unfair that your mother in law is good enough to care for them for free, but not good enough to see on special days.

So this mother's Day, I will probably be awoken at 6am with homemade cards and pound shop toblerone (they have all decided I love it, still have some left from my birthday.... But this will not deter them). Then will have all of husbands family over to see mother in law and give her presents and then later in the day I'm taking my mum out with my sisters. I will have a lovely day, but it won't be relaxing. I think this is what the 'sandwich' mothers days should be like..... When I'm the top layer of mum though, I will expect to have a more relaxing day!

I have three boys and I always make sure I appreciate my mother in law because she is an amazing person, but I also hope they are absorbing that for later.

You all need to chill out and stop being so rigid about it. All of you need to be less wound up about where the children are. Does it really matter if your children go to their grandmother's for a bit and you get some time with your mum? And he needs to stop obsessing about it too.

If Mother's Day means doing something like a meal or whatever for all of you then you all need to compromise on who is where each year.

All this angst over one day never fails to amaze me. I just send a card, DH sends a card, DC make cards at school. Job done and no drama.

And why don't you even mention your dad on father's day? He's a father and grandfather and would probably love to see his grandkids and be spoiled.

All of this.

MIL isn’t even bothered, this is OPs husband being an arse.

I can’t understand why this sort of thing causes so much angst. It’s a day set up for commercial reasons. Yes it’s nice to get a card and maybe a treat but so many other days in the year when you can celebrate and cherish your respective mothers instead of fetishised rituals. I’d tell your dh he’s being a bit of a dick.