There's always a fight!!! Spending Mothers Day with my mum and my children

[Asher09]

I've been a mum for 3 years now and my husband and I have a fight every year where he makes a big deal about the kids not seeing his mum on Mothers Day.

When we were married (without kids) we would work with each others siblings and split the day or alternate days. Now that I've become a mum I believe the day should be about me but every year its overshadowed by his expectations and feelings.

I have ALWAYS suggested seeing his mum TOGETHER the day before mothers day but he always wants to coordinate that with his sister who doesnt make it easy for us (shes a single parent so doesnt have a MIL to deal with btw). I have even suggested us taking MIL out separately if his sister cant come - but he doesnt like that.

My first mothers day, we did the day before lunch with his mum and then the day of breakfast with my mum. The second mothers day i suggested we do the similar thing but he left it too late to plan with his family then asked me if I can split my mothers day between his mum and mine - i respectfully declined as i had already made pland and encouraged him to spend time with his mum. He kicked off about the kids not seeing his mum that year.

This year I want to spend mothers day with the kids (not see anyone else, not even my mum) and so I politely asked him if we could split the day before between our mums. My mum works and so I suggested the breakfast with his and dinner with mine. No plan was set in stone btw, it was just a request which I was happy to change.

Despite not having spoken to his mum and sister he made loads of passive aggressive comments in our conversation 'oh so my mum will never see the kids on mothers day then?' 'Oh so I should just manage my mums expectations that she will never see the kids then' 'its pretty normal for grandparents to see their kids on mothers day' 'why do the kids see your mum on mothers day' '
Its left me feeling really annoyed as I wouldn't have minded changing plans and doing Saturday with his mum and Sunday with mine again but I feel like he has a deeper issue there with his expectations and this will be an issue every year. I have explained to him that I'm the mum and MIL hasnt given birth to them and has also had 30 years of undivided attention from him. The guilt he feels shouldn't be projected onto me. If I decide to spend mothers day with my mum and my kids that shouldn't be an issue, and if I decide to spend it alone with the kids that shouldn't be an issue either. He is free to do whatever he wants.

I find that each conversation about Mothers Day gets railroaded by his feelings. Its never about me, nor do I expect him to make it about me but its also never simple. He refuses to take his mum out without his sister so it limits what we can do, hes hell bent on his mum seeing the kids on Mothers day and he can't understand why the kids would always come with me - aparently to him its not logical.

When its Fathers Day, I dont even mention my dad, the day is solely about him. I've always said he decides how he spends the day and I will go along with what he wants. I've NEVER stopped him from seeing his mum, I've never forced him to spend time with mine and I have a good relationship with my MIL. My main point is that I havent been a mum for long and feel like i'm not being unreasonable in what I plan for what I believe is my day.

So he normally has a random extra day where they have a big family thing, then on Mother's Day you take the children to your mum and he goes on his own to his.

And this year he fancies taking the DC with him on Mother's Day itself? Which still leaves you free to see your mum?

Yeah, I'm sticking with loads of fuss about nothing. On all sides.

MIL is good enough to provide childcare (I assume free but I could he wrong) but not good enough to see on Mother's day?

But leaves her without her own children that she is the mother of.

He also wouldn’t like OP taking the kids to see her dad on Father’s Day.

Are people deliberately not understanding, not reading OPs posts, or just shit at comprehension.

I'd invite his mum and your mum for lunch or dinner.

I thought Mother’s Day was about offspring honouring their mothers, once they are old enough to understand? OPs children are very young, so a cuddle/handprint card from nursery should be all they’re really capable of. Otherwise OP and DH make arrangements to see their own respective mothers?

as an aside - it’s a religiously based day of observance (I’m not a practicing Christian) that has become hideously commercialised. For 32 years, not having a mum of my own, I have always arranged flowers to go to MIL from DH and latterly the kids too. If we happen to be staying over for any reason, it’s a great excuse for a family lunch… but we’d do that anyway. MiL knew that the nature of MD would change once we had kids and is very happy with flowers/a phone call and knowing we love and think of her.

I think this is an instance of MD being completely blown out of proportion over multiple years and expectations/obligations being set to high.

Perhaps you could just go out for a pub lunch - all 3 mums?

Seeing your grandchildren on Mothering Sunday is not a “thing”. From that perspective I would say you are both being unreasonable.

MIL isn’t even bothered, this is all the husband making an issue.

Hilarious that you respond like this and accuse your husband of being passive aggressive.

Yes I agree. Morhers day for me is about my mum and for DH its his mum.... but now that I am a mum it should be about me and how I spend the day. When I say me, its not for my husband to make it about me - he should most certainly make it about his mum and give me shit for how I spend the day.

I honestly had to reread your OP more than once because initially I assumed you were divorced and that was why you were fighting over Mother's Day. It sounds like you all live really close to each other so surely the compromise is to either do something with both families every year or to alternate spending it with your family and his family. But you, DH and DC do everything together.

OPs mother has only seen them on the day in the past because OP has visited her mum and the children are with her, because she’s their mother and it’s Mother’s Day. OP isn’t seeing her mum this year on Mother’s Day so her mother will not see them.

Not lack of comprehension, I just don't get the big deal about where the DC are. And they both need to compromise, I've said they are both being unreasonable about both MD and FD and both need to chill out and do things differently different years.

Or stop thinking it needs to be a thing at all to go somewhere.

This would be SOO ideal and remove so much drama that comes with Mothers Day but sometimes not all families get a long. MIL in the past has eluded to only wanting to have her family around for mothers day (her kids and grandkids basically)

Oh my god..am I alone in thinking that this is a WHOLE load of angst & fuss about nothing!

God I hate these stupid days 😒

I say that as a mother for 18 years with both a mother & mil myself. I'm not seeing either of them on the day- we live a long way away from both of them. Nor do I expect this level of planning or discussion from my own dc.

Another strong believer in "It's mother's day not grandmothers day!" here. However in my house I will be staying in bed while my teenage kids take flowers to my mum. it's their present to me so I don't have to see her as she is not a pleasant person to be a round!

This.

Op wants her children with her on Mother’s Day, that’s hardly unreasonable. MIL isn’t bothered anyway. OPs husband has double standards when it comes to Father’s Day.

When you say you want to spend the day with your 2 year old and 7 month old - what will that actually look like? When my children were that age I spent almost every day with them and it was bloody hard work and a right drudge - nappies, naps, feeding, constant play. Mother’s Day would be a chance to break that routine. Breakfast in bed. Lunch out / visiting the GPs where there were others there who would give me a bloody break.

But this makes no sense. OP is a mum and OP has a mum. Why would the one with little children be less important??

See, it’s not really supposed to about you, either - it’s about the relationship between you and your children, it’s about taking a moment to celebrate your bond. It’s not a second birthday.

You are basically saying that his mother can never see her child and grandchildren on mother's day ever again
Mother day is not about grandchildren and grandparents, is it?
Everybody is free to spend the day with their own mother, MIL can see her grandchildren any other day.
OP, if your DP insists tell him whatever he does he has to agree to do the equivalent on Father’s day, ie visiting your dad.

How enjoyable can it be when the lead up is like this … even if you get your own way?

Well, I suppose when mine were little I would have liked this, but op has already, and specifically, said and told her DH that she wants to spend it with her children.

Op, YANBU. Just tell him you're with the little ones this day, no further discussion.

Thats great and everyone should soend mothers day doing what makes them happy. I work, so i dont spend time with my kids the way you've described, i'm also not fed up of my kids where i need a break from them. Its why the last 2 years ive spent it with my mum. My mothers day with my kids and my mum. Coffee, softplay, park - what I wanted from the day. My husband can join and we can do a family thing just us or he can go see his mum.

You want to see your children on Mother's day because you are their mother. Your husband's mother wants to see her children on Mothers day because she is their mother.