There's always a fight!!! Spending Mothers Day with my mum and my children

[Asher09]

I've been a mum for 3 years now and my husband and I have a fight every year where he makes a big deal about the kids not seeing his mum on Mothers Day.

When we were married (without kids) we would work with each others siblings and split the day or alternate days. Now that I've become a mum I believe the day should be about me but every year its overshadowed by his expectations and feelings.

I have ALWAYS suggested seeing his mum TOGETHER the day before mothers day but he always wants to coordinate that with his sister who doesnt make it easy for us (shes a single parent so doesnt have a MIL to deal with btw). I have even suggested us taking MIL out separately if his sister cant come - but he doesnt like that.

My first mothers day, we did the day before lunch with his mum and then the day of breakfast with my mum. The second mothers day i suggested we do the similar thing but he left it too late to plan with his family then asked me if I can split my mothers day between his mum and mine - i respectfully declined as i had already made pland and encouraged him to spend time with his mum. He kicked off about the kids not seeing his mum that year.

This year I want to spend mothers day with the kids (not see anyone else, not even my mum) and so I politely asked him if we could split the day before between our mums. My mum works and so I suggested the breakfast with his and dinner with mine. No plan was set in stone btw, it was just a request which I was happy to change.

Despite not having spoken to his mum and sister he made loads of passive aggressive comments in our conversation 'oh so my mum will never see the kids on mothers day then?' 'Oh so I should just manage my mums expectations that she will never see the kids then' 'its pretty normal for grandparents to see their kids on mothers day' 'why do the kids see your mum on mothers day' '
Its left me feeling really annoyed as I wouldn't have minded changing plans and doing Saturday with his mum and Sunday with mine again but I feel like he has a deeper issue there with his expectations and this will be an issue every year. I have explained to him that I'm the mum and MIL hasnt given birth to them and has also had 30 years of undivided attention from him. The guilt he feels shouldn't be projected onto me. If I decide to spend mothers day with my mum and my kids that shouldn't be an issue, and if I decide to spend it alone with the kids that shouldn't be an issue either. He is free to do whatever he wants.

I find that each conversation about Mothers Day gets railroaded by his feelings. Its never about me, nor do I expect him to make it about me but its also never simple. He refuses to take his mum out without his sister so it limits what we can do, hes hell bent on his mum seeing the kids on Mothers day and he can't understand why the kids would always come with me - aparently to him its not logical.

When its Fathers Day, I dont even mention my dad, the day is solely about him. I've always said he decides how he spends the day and I will go along with what he wants. I've NEVER stopped him from seeing his mum, I've never forced him to spend time with mine and I have a good relationship with my MIL. My main point is that I havent been a mum for long and feel like i'm not being unreasonable in what I plan for what I believe is my day.

Why? She's not stopping him seeing his mum?

So you don't see your dad with the kids on father's day?

This

Tell him that if that’s what he wants then he’ll have to share the dc on Father’s Day.

It's mother's day, your mil and mum are mums too. Just because you have kids doesn't stop them being mums. Visiting and doing something the day before isn't the same! We normally have lunch with both together (as my sil believes mothers day is all about her so won't see her mum on that day) This year the kids are busy with stuff in the afternoon so having them round for breakfast (which I will cook as dh will pick them up)
The both help you out with childcare so you can work bloody celebrate them!
When mine are older am sure they will treat me to lunch (either cooking or out) and hope they invite their grand/mils too!

OP I'm a single mum and the kids spend every mother's day with me regardless of contact arrangements because it's mother's day. I also spend it with my mum. My kids will never spend mother's day with MIL as she can still see her child.

Fathers day the kids will spend the day with their dad regardless of contact and never see my dad. I don't get the 'its only a day's - it's special to me and that's that. YANBU.

No I dont - not with the kids.

Did people actually read the op? Nowhere has she said her DH can't see his Mum it's about her getting to see her grandchildren - which is not a thing on Mother's Day. I mean the clue is very much there in the title. It's absolutely normal that a person not see their GC on mother's day. (And ime actually quite normal a mother not even see her own children the first couple of years when the children themselves have just become parents).
Of course yanbu

So reply that you're seeing your dad with the kids in father's day. Then take the conversation from there....

So your mum can see her grandkids on mother's day but his can't? I don't think you're being fair OP. No wonder he is annoyed.you have a double standard. Not very nice

This is great for you but 1) not all families get a long and 2) it is sometimes impossible to coordinate a day like this. My husband refuses to spend mothers day without his sister there... so where does it end? We have my mum, his mum, his sister, my sister - her mil... and I have to manage this?

Crikey. As a PP said, it's a made up day! You can choose to do 'Mother's Day' whenever suits you. This year, for various reasons, our Mother's Day will be a week after the one Hallmark has designated. I'm perfectly happy with this.

Some people just like drama it seems.

You're getting some really odd replies here op.
The hypocrisy of your DH to hold mothers day for his mum so important that no compromise is possible while simultaneously not caring what you want for your mother's day and happy to upset you over it is astounding

OP said that DH is free to go and visit his mum but he doesn't want to without his sister and children. OP said they could all visit Mil with the children the day before Mother's Day but he doesn't want this. OP's DH wants father's day all about him so OP doesn't visit her own dad.

One day you’re going to be the grandma and mil. Just saying.

Sorry, I think you're being unreasonable. Consider your MIL's feelings, not only your own.

I feel for you. I don't see my Mother or MIL on Mother's Day as we don't live close by (1/5 hours drive to both) and to be honest I'm glad as now I'm a mum myself I want to spend it with my own family.

We always send lovely card and gifts and take them out another time though when we're able to get across.

I can understand you wanting the day for yourself, I don't think it's unreasonable to split the visits over a different day.

I’m a granny and usually see my kids and grandkids on Mothers Day. However, that is their choice and I don’t expect it although of course it is lovely to see them.
I usually buy the mothers a gift for being great mums to my grandchildren.
If you have small children it is entirely reasonable to want to spend the day with them. We grannies have had our Mothers Days

He sounds like a nightmare to be honest, won't plan anything then gets in a huff when he can't do what he wants last minute, and isn't really considering your feelings as a mother!

It's hard because you could compromise, but you need him to as well, and it doesn't sound like he is ready to, and isn't really listening to you or what you want.

I would try to sit down and discuss it calmly, without the passive aggression, ask him to explain to you how he feels about it all and why (what is he afraid of? Letting his mum down? Getting told off?) and then crucially he also needs to listen to how you feel and really try to understand, acknowledge perhaps that it's your day too and that your feelings count.

Whatever happens I hope you do get to have a nice Mother's Day x

Yes I am going to be a grandma and MIL and I would love nothing more than to have my DIL and grandkids spend the day together however they choose.

We don't make a big deal of Mother's day so maybe I don't understand but there must be room for compromise here. The entire day doesn't need to be around you or your MIL. If you all live within a reasonable distance there should be time to pop in to both?

You’re being very awkward and making it stressful, your poor husband! Why don’t you make the Saturday your Mother’s Day and Mothering Sunday for your mum and MIL if you’re so desperate to do everything separate?

I get that some people do make a massive deal about M Day. Fair enough, can't see the fuss myself but not everyone is me. But just to clarify, you'd be fine if your husband decided he was going to take his mum out from 8am til 10pm, not seeing you at all, so long as you were with your kids?

I think a little unreasonable on both parts tbh - neither of you seem much willing to compromise. There’s really no need for it to be an argument each year.

I know it’s important to my mum to see her GC on Mother’s Day so I assume the same for MIL & always try to split the day. Although neither would kick up a fuss if we celebrated the day before instead!

If you can’t/won’t agree to split the day it surely makes sense to prioritise one mum on the day itself & the other on the Saturday, and then swap the following year 🤷🏼‍♀️ your husband needs to understand that you can’t always make all your plans fit with other people though….

Are you sure you’re ok? When mine were 2 years and 7 months the last thing I’d have wanted was to spend extra time with them on Mother’s Day! Nightmare stage 😂 I’d happily send them off to the in laws and enjoy the rest!