There's always a fight!!! Spending Mothers Day with my mum and my children

[Asher09]

I've been a mum for 3 years now and my husband and I have a fight every year where he makes a big deal about the kids not seeing his mum on Mothers Day.

When we were married (without kids) we would work with each others siblings and split the day or alternate days. Now that I've become a mum I believe the day should be about me but every year its overshadowed by his expectations and feelings.

I have ALWAYS suggested seeing his mum TOGETHER the day before mothers day but he always wants to coordinate that with his sister who doesnt make it easy for us (shes a single parent so doesnt have a MIL to deal with btw). I have even suggested us taking MIL out separately if his sister cant come - but he doesnt like that.

My first mothers day, we did the day before lunch with his mum and then the day of breakfast with my mum. The second mothers day i suggested we do the similar thing but he left it too late to plan with his family then asked me if I can split my mothers day between his mum and mine - i respectfully declined as i had already made pland and encouraged him to spend time with his mum. He kicked off about the kids not seeing his mum that year.

This year I want to spend mothers day with the kids (not see anyone else, not even my mum) and so I politely asked him if we could split the day before between our mums. My mum works and so I suggested the breakfast with his and dinner with mine. No plan was set in stone btw, it was just a request which I was happy to change.

Despite not having spoken to his mum and sister he made loads of passive aggressive comments in our conversation 'oh so my mum will never see the kids on mothers day then?' 'Oh so I should just manage my mums expectations that she will never see the kids then' 'its pretty normal for grandparents to see their kids on mothers day' 'why do the kids see your mum on mothers day' '
Its left me feeling really annoyed as I wouldn't have minded changing plans and doing Saturday with his mum and Sunday with mine again but I feel like he has a deeper issue there with his expectations and this will be an issue every year. I have explained to him that I'm the mum and MIL hasnt given birth to them and has also had 30 years of undivided attention from him. The guilt he feels shouldn't be projected onto me. If I decide to spend mothers day with my mum and my kids that shouldn't be an issue, and if I decide to spend it alone with the kids that shouldn't be an issue either. He is free to do whatever he wants.

I find that each conversation about Mothers Day gets railroaded by his feelings. Its never about me, nor do I expect him to make it about me but its also never simple. He refuses to take his mum out without his sister so it limits what we can do, hes hell bent on his mum seeing the kids on Mothers day and he can't understand why the kids would always come with me - aparently to him its not logical.

When its Fathers Day, I dont even mention my dad, the day is solely about him. I've always said he decides how he spends the day and I will go along with what he wants. I've NEVER stopped him from seeing his mum, I've never forced him to spend time with mine and I have a good relationship with my MIL. My main point is that I havent been a mum for long and feel like i'm not being unreasonable in what I plan for what I believe is my day.

If I wanted to do that I would. I just dont want to do that this year.

It is really just the lack of understanding and negativity that comes with the planning.

If I took the kids on Fathers Day (which ive never done) he wouldnt be happy about it. He has made that clear. I have never made plans with my family on Fathers Day until he's made his, and hes always had MIL AND SIL there too with FIL.

I'm sorry YABU. You are basically saying that his mother can never see her child and grandchildren on mother's day ever again? You could see her for a couple of hours or at least every 3rd year alternating between your DM, just your kids, and DMIL. If you have to have a sole day dedicated to you then on every 3rd year, make 'your' mother's day the Saturday.

Other people's feelings matter too. Two years getting to do exactly what you want and then compromising on the third year is not a huge ask. And likewise you should want to see your father on father's day at least some years.

So because your mum is your mum she gets to see your children on mother's day but because MIL is DH mum then she doesn't? That really doesn't seem fair to me.

I totally get the frustration with him planning things around SIL and fot that you have a totally valid point but the fact that you are not willing to compromise with him about DC seeing MIL is really sad.

Your children will be these adults one day. How would you feel if your DC had a wife who disregarded you in mother's day and you didn't get to see your DGC? Yes, both your Mum and MIL have enjoyed many more mother's days than you but you never stop being a Mum and then once the GC come along it's another lovely thing to celebrate.

Fortunately, we celebrate all together. I wouldn't dream of doing something with my mum and not MIL but luckily they get along and it's something we have always done. Mother's day isn't really about me as such but I get to spend the day with my kids and our mum's which is more than enough for me.

So your real issue is the lack of planning.

Its a bit of both to be honest.

My birthday, Yes he does!
Christmas, no he doesnt. His sister is a single parent and shares custody of her son with her ex. They alternate christmas every year which means we have to alternate Christmas every year (my husband prefers to go by his nephew schedule, so I end up only seeing my family ony Christmas the years my husband doesnt have his nephew, oh and my husband refuses to go away for Christmas because he wants to see his family).

He can see his mum on Mother’s Day. OP just doesn’t think he gets to take her own children with him as she wants Mother’s Day with them...she is their mother after all.

There’s a massive lack of reading comprehension on this thread. OP hasn’t said she doesn’t want her DH to see his DM, just that she wants to have her DC to herself for the day.
I also don’t get this “it’s just a made up day” nonsense. It’s clearly important to OP and to her MIL.

That seems reasonable. Lots of people alternate Christmas. And it's normal not to go away so you can see your family

I get it but I also don’t see why after 3 years of seeing your DM he couldn’t take the kids to MIL for an hour or two. You could have a nice child free lunch with your mum?
compromise is needed I think.

I have a son yes, and as a mother, I would like to see my son on mothers day, i wouldnt care if my grandchildren were with their mum on that day.

I dont ever stop my husband from seeing his mum on mothers day.

Can you work on a compromise together?

I try to look to the future, I have a son and would hope to see him and his children on Mother's Day in the future rather than it always be the childrens mums family who they are with.

Maybe have both mums together for breakfast on Sunday? Cooked by him :) Then the rest of the day for you and the kids? Or he does lunch/dinner for his mum and you all every other year? You could still see your mum part of the day, and on the alternating year you just do what you would like to?

Talk through options together and find something that fits

But why does your mum get to see the grandchildren? Can you not see the unfairness?

If I took the kids on Fathers Day (which ive never done) he wouldnt be happy about it. He has made that clear.

So he’s a massive hypocrite. Highlight this double standard to him and tell him your children will be staying with you. I wouldn’t even talk about it further.

This doesn't sound real its that pathetic. Its a made up day. Would it really kill for you to have a nice shower/bath and let him take the kids for half hour or an hour to his mums? Or even all pop round for a brew. This is just entitlement, 'it's MY day, I'll do what I want' rather than a bit of consideration to others. It's probably a row every year as he's thinking you might finally be reasonable this year!

Both my MIL and mum look after the kids while I work, we're talking once or twice a week EACH

Because she is OPs mum and OP is her children’s mum...where she goes on Mother’s Day, they go.

OP doesn’t plan on seeing her own mum this year, so she won’t see the grandchildren either. HTH.

I think birthdays are different - twins aside, it’s unlikely that two people in a family share a birthday.

But there are lots of mothers! there will always need to be some compromise. No mum wins.

YANBU. The knob has double double standards for Mother’sDay and Father’s Day.

Stand firm.

He sees his mum on MD.

You see your kids and your mum on MD.

Neither MIL or SIL are your mum or your kids’ mum, there’s no need to see them.

What does the knob do for you on MD?

What? Did you read my post properly? He can see his mum on Mothers Day, I have even encouraged him to do so 3 years in a row. Its the kids, he wants her to see the kids on Mothers Day.

@FamilyTreeAndMe But why is that fair?

I wouldn't expect my kids to not see MIL yet see my mum on mothers day. Fair enough seeing neither, but OP said she has seen her mum the last 2 years.

Sounds like having one celebration with everyone is the way forward.

LOL so you didnt read my original post properly? He can go see his mum - he should go see her and pamper her and spend the day with her - i encourage him to do that every year. His issue is not being able to take the kids because I, the actual mother of the children want to spend the day with them

I absolutely hate all this fuss about Mothers Day. I can accept it with an elderly mom who needs fussing over as we may not have many left or school going children who need to learn to do kind little things for their Mom. But with two little ones who have no idea what's going on it's unnecessary drama to be insisting on seeing them all day. At that stage my idea of a nice Mother's day would be dh taking them to his Mums for two hours so l could sit with my feet up and read a book.
My dc are grown now and it's a long way through all the teen years etc having high expectations for Mother's Day..just let it go. My dd was messaging me today making plans for Sunday and to be honest l had totally forgotten, appreciate the gesture but l am delighted to see her any Sunday/ any day. Life is much easier if you don't build these things into a big deal.

Because some years I want to spend time with my mum as its mothers day and want my kids to spend time with me because its mothers day?

He has Fathers Day with his father, mother and sister.

From this thread it's pretty clear that different people have different expectations of mothers day. Clearly you and DH are coming from different points of view. Time for a conversation about mothers and fathers day with a agreed compromise that is fair to everyone.

Your Christmas plans sound entirely normal tbh, not sure why you're making a deal out of them.

Surely if it was important to mil she would plan for dh and sil visiting?yet no plans get made... By her. Dh is a pita..