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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

There's always a fight!!! Spending Mothers Day with my mum and my children

621 replies

Asher09 · 06/03/2024 05:26

I've been a mum for 3 years now and my husband and I have a fight every year where he makes a big deal about the kids not seeing his mum on Mothers Day.

When we were married (without kids) we would work with each others siblings and split the day or alternate days. Now that I've become a mum I believe the day should be about me but every year its overshadowed by his expectations and feelings.

I have ALWAYS suggested seeing his mum TOGETHER the day before mothers day but he always wants to coordinate that with his sister who doesnt make it easy for us (shes a single parent so doesnt have a MIL to deal with btw). I have even suggested us taking MIL out separately if his sister cant come - but he doesnt like that.

My first mothers day, we did the day before lunch with his mum and then the day of breakfast with my mum. The second mothers day i suggested we do the similar thing but he left it too late to plan with his family then asked me if I can split my mothers day between his mum and mine - i respectfully declined as i had already made pland and encouraged him to spend time with his mum. He kicked off about the kids not seeing his mum that year.

This year I want to spend mothers day with the kids (not see anyone else, not even my mum) and so I politely asked him if we could split the day before between our mums. My mum works and so I suggested the breakfast with his and dinner with mine. No plan was set in stone btw, it was just a request which I was happy to change.

Despite not having spoken to his mum and sister he made loads of passive aggressive comments in our conversation 'oh so my mum will never see the kids on mothers day then?' 'Oh so I should just manage my mums expectations that she will never see the kids then' 'its pretty normal for grandparents to see their kids on mothers day' 'why do the kids see your mum on mothers day' '
Its left me feeling really annoyed as I wouldn't have minded changing plans and doing Saturday with his mum and Sunday with mine again but I feel like he has a deeper issue there with his expectations and this will be an issue every year. I have explained to him that I'm the mum and MIL hasnt given birth to them and has also had 30 years of undivided attention from him. The guilt he feels shouldn't be projected onto me. If I decide to spend mothers day with my mum and my kids that shouldn't be an issue, and if I decide to spend it alone with the kids that shouldn't be an issue either. He is free to do whatever he wants.

I find that each conversation about Mothers Day gets railroaded by his feelings. Its never about me, nor do I expect him to make it about me but its also never simple. He refuses to take his mum out without his sister so it limits what we can do, hes hell bent on his mum seeing the kids on Mothers day and he can't understand why the kids would always come with me - aparently to him its not logical.

When its Fathers Day, I dont even mention my dad, the day is solely about him. I've always said he decides how he spends the day and I will go along with what he wants. I've NEVER stopped him from seeing his mum, I've never forced him to spend time with mine and I have a good relationship with my MIL. My main point is that I havent been a mum for long and feel like i'm not being unreasonable in what I plan for what I believe is my day.

OP posts:
Retiredfromearlyyears · 08/03/2024 20:52

Well.! Still think they could compromise and perhaps have some time altogether with the kids. I would have loved my child to have had any grandparents to share Mothers Day or indeed any day with. However to each their own road! Just my opinion.

phoenixrosehere · 08/03/2024 21:16

Lyly86 · 08/03/2024 16:03

What example? That a mother would like to spend Mother's Day with her children? God forbid 😂

Show quote history

Right.

I can’t believe the amount of posters who think OP shouldn’t be able to spend one Mother’s Day with just her children. Good grief, they are 2 yo and 7 months. They can’t do anything like make cards and bring her breakfast in bed or many of the little things without help from an adult.

She shared the last two Mother’s Days so don’t see why she can’t have this one to herself. I do think it’s odd the thought that all mums (mums and grandmothers) want to spend it together every year even if they all get on well.

LadyBird1973 · 09/03/2024 09:29

So what are you going to do tomorrow OP?

Goodgollypasta · 09/03/2024 12:11

I say this as someone that has a fantastic relationship with both my mum and my MIL. It is mothers day and when you have children you have a new family consisting of OP, DH and your DC. That's all. Yes you have your extended family but your new family absolutely takes priority over everyone else. I'm convinced most of the moaners on here that vote YABU are mums and MIL that have nothing better to do than moan. I think the fact you prioritise your DH on fathers day and her gets to pick whatever he does is the way it should be for mothers day for you. I personally prefer to spend mothers day with my own children and spilt the day before (as you are proposing) as its nice to spend the day with my kids, which both my mum and my MIL are happy for us to do because they also believe it is now my day and they've had there mothers days as their kids have grown up. I also personally believe its very toxic to posters to say "you're setting an example that your children don't have to see you when they get older" because the fact is when they have their own families it should be about their family not you anymore. Think your DH needs to grow up abit and get his priorities straight.

Ukrainebaby23 · 09/03/2024 14:02

Like so many of these threads it's about control. I want to decide who I see and when, no one else can make plans for me.

That's why replies are mentioning entitled. In the end, it's one day and not really important. Make others happy and prioritize yourself another time or you will always be in conflict and trust me, its really not worth it

Plus you sound very privileged not to have to deal with the mundane stuff like nappies etc, so one day making others happy might be good for your soul.

FishAreAsleep · 09/03/2024 14:54

Make others happy and prioritize yourself another time or you will always be in conflict and trust me, its really not worth it

Ffs. Why should a mother have to prioritise someone else on Mother’s Day of all days. Why can’t the others prioritise themselves at another time.

OhmygodDont · 09/03/2024 14:55

Yeah use Mother’s Day to again prioritise everyone but you. Showing your children how once again mothers or just women should always prioritise other peoples feelings over their own.

#bekind 😂

CruCru · 09/03/2024 15:46

I think the issue here is more that the DH thinks he’s being a kind to his mum by bringing the children to her … but the OP sees it as him giving something of hers (a nice day with her children) to someone else.

I remember being really cross with my husband (many years ago). We were on holiday with another couple and the wife couldn’t find her coat. “Oh, here’s a coat you can borrow” said my husband. And off they went in their car. When we arrived at the same place, it was raining hard and I said “I don’t have a coat. You’ve given my coat to Caroline”. In the end, her coat was in their car and it wasn’t a massive deal - Hell, I could have taken his. But I was really cross because he’d given something of mine to someone else (to be kind) without checking if I was okay with it and that I had another coat.

Bushgirl · 09/03/2024 16:45

I can't believe you are getting so wound up over a made up day.

Laur81 · 09/03/2024 19:38

With all due respect His mother is not your mother, you should be doing what you want to do and he is being completely unreasonable expecting you to go along with his plans. You are entitled to enjoy one day how you want to, why can’t he take the kids to see his mother and leave you to go spend the day however you want be it with your mother or friends, shopping & lunch. Argument solved..

AngeloMysterioso · 09/03/2024 20:18

Grandkids go with their mum, its very simple.

Every time there is a gender disappointment thread started by someone who wanted daughters, they are absolutely berated by people who insist there is no difference at all in the nature of the relationship.

This is why women want daughters. We’re constantly told mothers of sons don’t matter. Want to see your grandchildren on Mother’s Day every few years? Fuck off, they go with their Mum to her Mum, and if you show the tiniest bit of upset you’re an entitled nightmare MIL.

I have three boys and my DH takes them to see my MIL every year on Mother’s Day, because I appreciate that it’s not JUST ABOUT ME, she’s an incredibly important part of our family life- she helped shape DH into the fantastic Dad he is and is a wonderful grandmother to my sons.

OhmygodDont · 09/03/2024 21:18

AngeloMysterioso · 09/03/2024 20:18

Grandkids go with their mum, its very simple.

Every time there is a gender disappointment thread started by someone who wanted daughters, they are absolutely berated by people who insist there is no difference at all in the nature of the relationship.

This is why women want daughters. We’re constantly told mothers of sons don’t matter. Want to see your grandchildren on Mother’s Day every few years? Fuck off, they go with their Mum to her Mum, and if you show the tiniest bit of upset you’re an entitled nightmare MIL.

I have three boys and my DH takes them to see my MIL every year on Mother’s Day, because I appreciate that it’s not JUST ABOUT ME, she’s an incredibly important part of our family life- she helped shape DH into the fantastic Dad he is and is a wonderful grandmother to my sons.

But that’s because as their mum you’re happy to not have them all day on Mother’s Day. Surely a mothers want to spend the day with her young children is as valid as your not caring if they go off for a bit.

There is no right or wrong in how a mother wants to spend her Mother’s Day with her actual children under 18.

You either respect the mother and her feelings as the parent raising her children or you saying her feelings don’t count and she should give up what she wants for another persons wants.

AngeloMysterioso · 09/03/2024 21:24

Well apparently it’s the husband’s mothers feelings that don’t count…

This thread is just post after post of people saying that Mums of boys just have accept being sidelined and not having the opportunity to spend Mother’s Day with their grandchildren because they weren’t fortunate enough to be Mum’s Mum.

OhmygodDont · 09/03/2024 21:29

But her son is seeing her.

This is about grandchildren. No grandparent has a right to their grandchild be that the grandparent on the mothers or fathers side.

It’s a by product of mothers visiting their own mothers on Mother’s Day while having their own children because tah dah it’s MOTHERS day. Not grannies day.

It’s just selfish viewpoint of wahhh but she gets and I don’t. Toddler foot stamp.

AngeloMysterioso · 09/03/2024 21:44

Wanting to see your grandchildren on a day that is equally as important to you as it is to their other grandmother is selfish now?

Well thank you so much for proving my point.

Mum’s Mum- congratulations, you had a daughter, you get to be relevant.

Dad’s Mum- if you don’t like being irrelevant, you’re a selfish toddler.

Iwasafool · 09/03/2024 21:52

OhmygodDont · 09/03/2024 21:18

But that’s because as their mum you’re happy to not have them all day on Mother’s Day. Surely a mothers want to spend the day with her young children is as valid as your not caring if they go off for a bit.

There is no right or wrong in how a mother wants to spend her Mother’s Day with her actual children under 18.

You either respect the mother and her feelings as the parent raising her children or you saying her feelings don’t count and she should give up what she wants for another persons wants.

Show quote history

You don't stop being a mother when your children hit 18. The other way to look at it is The mother of a say 30 year old has done more mothering than the mother of a toddler so why shouldn't she count?

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 09/03/2024 21:52

This smacks of me, me, me. But I think you’re ok with that.
So your a mum, your DH also has a mum, you have a mum. Why don’t you all go out together for a meal. Jobs a good un-90 mins-2hrs and done and then it’s all about you.

It’s one made up day fgs.

“shes a single parent so doesnt have a MIL to deal with btw” this is nice… doesn’t always mean the sperm providers mother isn’t happy to help/be a nan and friend. Why don’t you invite her too?

OhmygodDont · 09/03/2024 21:55

You’ve missed the point entirely though as a grandmother you are not the important person.

You are important to your child. You are not the important person to the grandchild.

The only reason the daughter’s mother may see the children is because she is spending the day with her children and wishes to visit her mother. It’s not because she’s gone oh my children must see their grandmother but not my evil mil. It’s because she’s spending her Mother’s Day as a mother with her children and she might visit her mother.

Does that mean all maternal Fathers are left out and disregarded on Father’s Day when sons in laws visit their fathers with her children? No because fathers or grandfathers don’t seem to be in this constant battle with the next generation down to prove their importance and how they must be the most important in their feelings.

OhmygodDont · 09/03/2024 21:56

Iwasafool · 09/03/2024 21:52

You don't stop being a mother when your children hit 18. The other way to look at it is The mother of a say 30 year old has done more mothering than the mother of a toddler so why shouldn't she count?

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She’s counts to her child. Not the grandchild smh

Iwasafool · 09/03/2024 22:02

I thought it might be nice to think of something positive so here is my positive mother's day story. My two older children went to a preschool where their teacher was a woman coming up to retirement. She'd been teaching 3 and 4 year olds all her adult life, she never had children of her own. Every year for mothers day she cut out circles of a sort of cardboard with a finish like velvet, not sure what you'd call it. She usually used purple and they stuck a lacey paper doiley on and then she got the children to make tissue flowers and stick them on. She then put them in a brown paperbag with the child's name on and the bag was stapled shut. The children came out on the Friday afternoon proudly holding their bags and telling mum she wasn't to look. On Sunday morning the children would go into mum and recite the poem she had taught them, as follows "Here's a posy bright and gay, just for you on Mother's Day. It brings my dearest love to you on this spring time morning." The first time it happened to me I could have cried, my son was so proud of his posy and that he had kept his brown paper bag hidden for 2 days and he recited his poem so beautifully.

I've been a mum for many years, I'm not a Mother's Day person but I've had many bouquets/cards/chocolates etc but nothing was ever quite so touching as the posy and poem from my little ones.

Iwasafool · 09/03/2024 22:03

OhmygodDont · 09/03/2024 21:56

She’s counts to her child. Not the grandchild smh

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Well if it wasn't for the grandmother being a mother they wouldn't exist so maybe she should count.

Lyly86 · 09/03/2024 22:07

OhmygodDont · 09/03/2024 21:55

You’ve missed the point entirely though as a grandmother you are not the important person.

You are important to your child. You are not the important person to the grandchild.

The only reason the daughter’s mother may see the children is because she is spending the day with her children and wishes to visit her mother. It’s not because she’s gone oh my children must see their grandmother but not my evil mil. It’s because she’s spending her Mother’s Day as a mother with her children and she might visit her mother.

Does that mean all maternal Fathers are left out and disregarded on Father’s Day when sons in laws visit their fathers with her children? No because fathers or grandfathers don’t seem to be in this constant battle with the next generation down to prove their importance and how they must be the most important in their feelings.

I seriously cannot believe the number of people that don't understand this very simple logic! It's not about the grandparents "taking turns" but rather the child will be with the mother, who will in turn be with her mother! Your logic about Father's Day was absolutely spot on. God I'd be so mortified if my son, when he's older, felt any obligation to bring his wife's children to my house on Mother's Day! So weird and bizarre that people don't get this

Iwasafool · 09/03/2024 22:10

OhmygodDont · 09/03/2024 21:55

You’ve missed the point entirely though as a grandmother you are not the important person.

You are important to your child. You are not the important person to the grandchild.

The only reason the daughter’s mother may see the children is because she is spending the day with her children and wishes to visit her mother. It’s not because she’s gone oh my children must see their grandmother but not my evil mil. It’s because she’s spending her Mother’s Day as a mother with her children and she might visit her mother.

Does that mean all maternal Fathers are left out and disregarded on Father’s Day when sons in laws visit their fathers with her children? No because fathers or grandfathers don’t seem to be in this constant battle with the next generation down to prove their importance and how they must be the most important in their feelings.

Well you are wrong about me, my grandson has spent a significant part of his childhood with me and has been living with me fulltime for 3 years so yes I am the important maternal figure in his life and he will spend Mother's Day with me as he did last year and the year before and the year before that. There is more to being a mother than giving birth.

OhmygodDont · 09/03/2024 22:11

Iwasafool · 09/03/2024 22:10

Well you are wrong about me, my grandson has spent a significant part of his childhood with me and has been living with me fulltime for 3 years so yes I am the important maternal figure in his life and he will spend Mother's Day with me as he did last year and the year before and the year before that. There is more to being a mother than giving birth.

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Thats different to a normal family where a child resides with his:her mother and father though so rather irrelevant to the whole argument.

AngeloMysterioso · 09/03/2024 22:17

God I'd be so mortified if my son, when he's older, felt any obligation to bring his wife's children to my house on Mother's Day!

His wife’s children?

Are they not also… his children?

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