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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD has been removed

457 replies

Flojoloco · 06/03/2024 00:24

DD is 15 with additional needs. Things have been getting progressively difficult. Today she told her social worker that I hit her and there is a bruise on her face so they removed her. There’s a strat meeting tomorrow and I’ve no idea if she’s coming home or not either way it’s a mess. I either lose my DD or she’s at home and I’m scared of her lies. She’s 5’8” and 14+ stone, she has massive temper tantrums/meltdowns and puts holes in doors etc. I have no doubt if I ever hit her she would paste me. She lives a charmed life but she’s not very happy at the moment and that’s impacting massively. I would never hit her. I’ve no idea where the bruise came from. If she bumped her head on something or deliberately smacked herself in her face. I haven’t seen her but the photo on SW phone didn’t look like a bruise, she just looked blotchy. Either way we need help.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Ofcourseshecan · 06/03/2024 00:33

I have no advice to give, OP, but I’m holding your hand. You must be so upset. You know the truth, and I hope it quickly becomes clear to the social workers too. Maybe this will lead to you getting some extra help.
Hoping for the best possible outcome for you and DD.

Original poster
Flojoloco · 06/03/2024 00:38

Ofcourseshecan · 06/03/2024 00:33

I have no advice to give, OP, but I’m holding your hand. You must be so upset. You know the truth, and I hope it quickly becomes clear to the social workers too. Maybe this will lead to you getting some extra help.
Hoping for the best possible outcome for you and DD.

Thank you I hope so too. I was open to getting a social worker in the first place when they offered it as I was glad of any extra help but now this.
Its just me and her at home and the house feels so quiet without her.

OP posts:
PaulAnkaTheDoggo · 06/03/2024 00:43

I feel so wrong saying it, but maybe this is the wake-up call she might need? I know you have said she has additional needs, but maybe her actions having a consequence (lying about you, being removed from the house) could help?

Original poster
Flojoloco · 06/03/2024 00:45

That’s the problem. She doesn’t understand consequences. Even at the time she begged to social worker not to go but it was too late, the wheels were in motion. Maybe tomorrow she’ll admit it was a lie but this isn’t the first time she’s said similar but it’s the first time it’s coincided with a bruise.

OP posts:
viques · 06/03/2024 00:48

so sorry to hear this OP, but as a pp said, this might be the wake up call she needs. It could be that she is enjoying all the fuss and attention atm, but the novelty will soon wear off and she will miss home and you. I hope that you ,dd and the social worker will be able to negotiate some boundaries for her behaviour and some support/ possible respite for both of you.

Original poster
Flojoloco · 06/03/2024 00:56

She definitely will be enjoying the fuss. That’s part of reason we have so many professionals involved, she loves it.

OP posts:
rong · 06/03/2024 00:56

Agree with @PaulAnkaTheDoggo
She's safe so try and get some rest

MaloneMeadow · 06/03/2024 01:00

Oh Bless you OP - what an awful situation. In all likelihood when she’s not living a life of luxury with the social workers she’ll begin to realise and admit her mistake

Morcoffee · 06/03/2024 01:11

Oh dear what a difficult situation. I don't know how things work with SS but will you get to see her tomorrow?

KomodoOhno · 06/03/2024 02:25

No advice but a hand hold

lilyfire · 06/03/2024 02:49

Get some advice from a Law Society Children panel solicitor asap. Is your daughter under police protection or have you agreed the removal? SS don’t have the power to remove without a court order or your agreement but the police do but only for 72 hours.

Autumcolors · 06/03/2024 02:56

Exactly what @lilyfire says. Can you get some legal advice ?

ManaFromHeaven · 06/03/2024 04:41

MaloneMeadow · 06/03/2024 01:00

Oh Bless you OP - what an awful situation. In all likelihood when she’s not living a life of luxury with the social workers she’ll begin to realise and admit her mistake

I agree with this.

Unfortunately I think her being removed, even temporarily, is the only way things will change. She's 15, not 5, and she needs to learn that her actions have consequences.

Dibbydoos · 06/03/2024 04:53

I'm so sorry, @Flojoloco

I don't know when the behaviour, lies and frustration violence started but if she's like my son it started at puberty. For us, it then stopped a few years later.

I never had SS or any help tbh we just muddled through patching up doors and holes.

Hoping she admits it was a lie so she come home.

You need support with her - are you getting any help?

Yellowroseblooms · 06/03/2024 05:34

Being blunt, do you want her to come home? She’s 5’8” and 14+ stone and she puts holes in doors. She could kill you next time rather than punching a hole in a door. I wouldn't be admitting you hit her (I know you didn't) but I would say I couldn't cope any more. Your life has value. I see a previous poster says the violence stopped after a few years but I think that is the exception rather than the rule. After 15 years of hell and violence I would be thinking of saving myself. I'm saying this as a person who raised two NNT boys. It was hell and they were nowhere near as bad as your lying violent daughter and my husband was there with me in the trenches.

wherethewildthingis · 06/03/2024 05:46

Not what you asked, but on what grounds has your child been removed if there hasn't even been a strategy meeting yet ? Children can only be removed from home in three circumstances- if the parent agrees, if the court makes an order, or if the police use their powers of protection (for a maximum of 72 hours). Were the police there when this happened?

hattie43 · 06/03/2024 06:02

I wouldn't want her back . She's nearing an adult age and all you're experiencing will get worse . What if she really hurts you or ramps up the lies saying you've historically abused her , you could end up in prison.

Be grateful to have a breather and really think about your future . Do you want one .

ohdamnitjanet · 06/03/2024 06:15

Yellowroseblooms · 06/03/2024 05:34

Being blunt, do you want her to come home? She’s 5’8” and 14+ stone and she puts holes in doors. She could kill you next time rather than punching a hole in a door. I wouldn't be admitting you hit her (I know you didn't) but I would say I couldn't cope any more. Your life has value. I see a previous poster says the violence stopped after a few years but I think that is the exception rather than the rule. After 15 years of hell and violence I would be thinking of saving myself. I'm saying this as a person who raised two NNT boys. It was hell and they were nowhere near as bad as your lying violent daughter and my husband was there with me in the trenches.

Edited

I agree with this and @hattie43. She may have additional needs and be your daughter, and obviously you love her, but if she is lying she could also turn into your abuser. Call her bluff, let her stay away, and enjoy the peace while it lasts.
I worked in a children’s home - she’ll be fine.

Wallywobbles · 06/03/2024 06:17

I think you need to be a bit more cautious about where this is heading. She's not likely to get easier over the next few years so maybe this is the time to transition the situation.

Be honest about your worries and what's been going on. Be clear you didn't hit her, she is much stronger than you, and that she lies and loves attention and that taking her back is risky.

pootlin · 06/03/2024 06:22

ohdamnitjanet · 06/03/2024 06:15

I agree with this and @hattie43. She may have additional needs and be your daughter, and obviously you love her, but if she is lying she could also turn into your abuser. Call her bluff, let her stay away, and enjoy the peace while it lasts.
I worked in a children’s home - she’ll be fine.

Show quote history

A agree.

It sounds like her being removed means you won’t be afraid in your own home.

When she’s 16 SS may not be so keen to help so let them help her and don’t rush to have her back.

pootlin · 06/03/2024 06:23

Yellowroseblooms · 06/03/2024 05:34

Being blunt, do you want her to come home? She’s 5’8” and 14+ stone and she puts holes in doors. She could kill you next time rather than punching a hole in a door. I wouldn't be admitting you hit her (I know you didn't) but I would say I couldn't cope any more. Your life has value. I see a previous poster says the violence stopped after a few years but I think that is the exception rather than the rule. After 15 years of hell and violence I would be thinking of saving myself. I'm saying this as a person who raised two NNT boys. It was hell and they were nowhere near as bad as your lying violent daughter and my husband was there with me in the trenches.

Edited

💯

Myyearmytime · 06/03/2024 06:26

Please let her go . You have done enough. She could kill you and she would have no life .
Let her get help while there is help there . When she is adult there is nothing .

Ariona · 06/03/2024 06:27

Yellowroseblooms · 06/03/2024 05:34

Being blunt, do you want her to come home? She’s 5’8” and 14+ stone and she puts holes in doors. She could kill you next time rather than punching a hole in a door. I wouldn't be admitting you hit her (I know you didn't) but I would say I couldn't cope any more. Your life has value. I see a previous poster says the violence stopped after a few years but I think that is the exception rather than the rule. After 15 years of hell and violence I would be thinking of saving myself. I'm saying this as a person who raised two NNT boys. It was hell and they were nowhere near as bad as your lying violent daughter and my husband was there with me in the trenches.

Edited

Her actions have consequences. Don't push to have her come back. Let her feel the effects of it, let her know that if you decide to take her back and she does anything like this, then she will know where she's going back to. She sounds the physical size of a grown man, a man who is violent towards you. She needs to deal with the consequences.

Beautiful3 · 06/03/2024 06:30

Perhaps this is.a good thing,? You need a break.from her and she could go.somewhere safe with professionals. Her visiting you.might be a better option.

rainydaysandwednesdays · 06/03/2024 06:39

Sorry to hear this.

I've no practical advice but perhaps now she has calmed down and can see the magnitude of her actions she might reconsider her behaviour?

Hoping for a good outcome for you and your daughter, all the best.