DD has been removed

[Flojoloco]

DD is 15 with additional needs. Things have been getting progressively difficult. Today she told her social worker that I hit her and there is a bruise on her face so they removed her. There’s a strat meeting tomorrow and I’ve no idea if she’s coming home or not either way it’s a mess. I either lose my DD or she’s at home and I’m scared of her lies. She’s 5’8” and 14+ stone, she has massive temper tantrums/meltdowns and puts holes in doors etc. I have no doubt if I ever hit her she would paste me. She lives a charmed life but she’s not very happy at the moment and that’s impacting massively. I would never hit her. I’ve no idea where the bruise came from. If she bumped her head on something or deliberately smacked herself in her face. I haven’t seen her but the photo on SW phone didn’t look like a bruise, she just looked blotchy. Either way we need help.

Many, many children with learning disabilities have social workers despite not having been traumatised. You have no idea what you are talking about.

I know you are hurting but I think it's better you are away from here. She's aggressive, lies and is physically intimidating.

You appear to be very judgemental - not sure if this is entirely towards other posters or to the OP herself. No one is ‘wiping their hands’ of the child. The OP is trying her best to cope with what a lot of posters will recognise from their own experiences, as a ND condition, rendering her DD difficult and violent, and potentially capable of having her mother labelled as an abuser.

OP already knows there is a problem and it is with the child herself - if it was a simple matter of identifying the problems behind the behaviour and resolving them do you not think she would have done that by now ? OP has already said there is an assessment process ongoing for ADHD and ASD, but you seem to be ignoring that and blaming the OP for the ‘situation’ which, if her child is ND, is beyond her control. She’s only too aware of the problem. She’s seeking the professional help her child needs, and she’s posted here for advice. She doesn’t need posters putting the boot in and stating the obvious.

I don’t think the OP will be allowed into the strategy meeting - think that’s for the professionals dealing with the case. Hopefully there will be the opportunity for the OP to have some input when she’s advised of the outcome of the meeting.

OP also says her DD has no understanding of consequences, therefore she is not capable of linking her past actions to present attention. And if she can’t link her past actions to present attention, then there is no possibility of pandering or tough love because she will never understand that her actions cause attention.

The DD is then enjoying attention in all innocence. As there is no mental capacity to realise this action causes that attention, you can be certain she is not deliberately doing certain actions to get certain types of attention.

It can be demotivating and frustrating as a parent but once you understand that their disability means they cannot connect the dots, it turns more to pity. Pity because without being able to learn certain actions cause certain reactions & attention, then they will go through life inadvertently causing harm and then being completely baffled and hurt at any backlash or negative consequences.

This was aired on Radio 4 last night, Some children are violent towards their parents. What’s the solution for families? Please give it a listen.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m001wxqb

Once the child reaches adulthood all support disappears. The notion that the social worker will be involved long term is laughable. They don’t have the resources. And from experience, respite is patchy at best - in our area it’s non existent.

Exactly, talk about victim blaming from that poster, it's shocking ignorant.

DD1 is an adult and has a SW. She is currently under the Independent Futures service until her plan is stable, then she'll transfer to the Adult Learning Disability team.

Well, there is more than one victim here- the OP and the DD are both victims of a nonexistent support system for disabled children.

The same is true for other metal health conditions and some personality disorders, none of which get a free pass.
If she enjoys the attention these situations cause then there is a good chance that she provokes them on purpose. I hope that this is a wake up call for her and that the OP puts herself first for now so that her daughter experiences some real consequences.

No-one is forgetting this but throwing the blame around like a muck spreader is unhelpful the child has additional needs the chances are it's because of their additional needs

Fwiw my son has a named social worker because he has an EHCP he doesn't need one but because he has a piece of paper he has one named just in case he should ever need it

My eldest has no EHCP and I really could use the additional (disability social worker) support however he has no EHCP therefore no "need" for one a normal social worker is useless for him and yes I live in an area where this is a thing

You need to be making a life for yourself, the house may seem quiet but thats because its a change and we all handle change differently.

You can take this time to think about shaping your own life when dd is not living with you, your own pastimes and hobbies

Absolutely this. We were crying out for help with our school refusing then 6yo dd a year ago. I was covered in bruises, scratches and bites at one stage and had a mental breakdown myself so was off work sick for around two months. Support is so slow and insufficient, our family was in crisis and it was affecting my older son too.

Op, I live in fear of dd turning into a much bigger teenager and feel for you, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's a travesty that it has reached this point for you, but to try to be positive, the truth about the enormity of your situation is now visible to all and it may just lead to the support you truly need and perhaps some much needed respite for you. I truly hope this is the case.

I’m sure there are many reasons for it, but right now it doesn’t sound like your dd is a nice person. It sounds like she will need a lot of guidance if she is to become a decent person. Grab this opportunity of help with both hands. You won’t get it again. Nothing will change if you let her back easily, without consequences or understanding of what she has done.

I'm sorry for the position you're in. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom in order to build back up.

This might be a blessing in disguise. Hopefully you'll get the support you both require.

Sending hugs.

That must be area dependent
My Son is at a special school and obviously has an EHCP
We have had social services involved for " respite" but he was discharged .

Let her go.

It sounds like the daughter is already an abuser. Time for her to face the consequences of her actions.

This is from the OP She’s 5’8” and 14+ stone, she has massive temper tantrums/meltdowns and puts holes in doors etc. I have no doubt if I ever hit her she would paste me.

The OP has said herself she’s at risk but you and the poster you’ve answered (who clearly doesn’t have any understanding of what a ND condition is) don’t think the child poses any risk to the OP at all ?

@SummerFeverVenice *And if she can’t link her past actions to present attention, then there is no possibility of pandering or tough love because she will never understand that her actions cause attention.

The DD is then enjoying attention in all innocence. As there is no mental capacity to realise this action causes that attention, you can be certain she is not deliberately doing certain actions to get certain types of attention.*

Deliberately doing actions, no, but repeating actions that get a desired consequence (or not repeating them when they don't get it any more) is something that any organism can do (you don't need higher powers of thinking).

I can only hope your daughter comes to senses very soon. Hope it all works out for youFloJo i can't imagine what you are going through x

There is NO chance she purposely does actions to provoke responses if she has no concept of consequences as the OP has stated and illustrated with behavioural examples in her posts about her DD.

A learning disabled person will enjoy attention if it is positive attention.
This isn’t proof that they can suddenly understand consequences.

Her DD constantly experiences consequences, but her distress comes from the fact that she cannot understand that what she is experiencing is a consequence of her actions. So to her, any negative consequence is out of the blue, unexplained persecution or anger directed at her.

It is traumatising to a LD child or person when they have no idea if a person will be nice or angry towards them. They can’t connect their actions or words to how that person acts towards them. So anything positive, they see as a pleasant surprise and enjoy, anything negative and they are bewildered and traumatised.

OP has been let down by her DD’s disabilities not being identified, diagnosed and no support being given to her or her DD.

I think this offers a really important opportunity for you to have your voice heard. You are living in a situation that poses a significant risk to your own safety and your DD is not getting the professional support she needs. Rather than focus on the short term gain of getting her back home, clearing your name and going back to getting by (which stretched services will be all to happy to go along with) try to focus on getting them to take this seriously and support you to improve things longer term. Are there any advocacy services in your area? You could Google or contact Citizens advice to find out, or take a look at the Family Lives website.

If this is a ND condition or a learning disability the child will have no understanding of consequences, so coming at it from that point of view is pointless. You don’t punish a child for having a disability. There is an assessment process underway according to the OP so a potential diagnosis may be possible. Only then will they know what they’re dealing with and a possible way forward. And what’s with the ‘decent person’ shite ? It’s not a question of ‘nice’ or ‘decent’. It’s about getting the help that this child needs.